LDR Breakup

[JA555]

So last Sunday, my girlfriend broke up with me. I'm not quite sure what to do, and I swear to God I would do anything to get her back, but at the same time I don't know if I want her back after what's happened.

 

The first thing about our relationship that I feel like I should mention is that it was long-distance (UK and USA) and that, at least not explicitly, that didn't contribute to the break up.

 

We started speaking to eachother in August 2015, and we had a bit of a fling. We hit off well, but I was getting over a previous relationship and didn't really want to date. She understood that. We stopped talking for awhile in October 2015 because she had university work to do, which I was fine with at the time. I wasn't massively into her, and so not talking for a bit didn't really bother me that much.

 

After that was over, we started speaking again, and it didn't take me long to be absolutely smitten with her. I was over my previous relationship finally, and felt like I could commit to another one if I wanted to. The more I spoke to her the more I fell for her, and I have to say that the distance wasn't even an issue for me. We spoke every day, Skyped more or less three times a week, and just enjoyed eachother's company. We planned to meet up early next year (2017), and to start seeing eachother way more frequently from then onwards. That was the most realistic, earliest date we could arrange.

 

Everything was fine until about half way through March. I know I haven't been with her for long compared to a lot of other people who go through breakups, but it still hurts. She said that she had school work again, and she promised me that it wouldn't be like last time where we stopped talking. Unlike last time, I didn't really care for it. This time I did. I wanted to spend time with her. But, I trusted her, knew that she had to prioritise university work, and thought she actually would still make an effort to talk to me when she got a bit spare of time. I knew she was committed to work, and I told her not to worry.

 

Despite her guarantee that she wouldn't go quiet again, she did. I sent her a message in late March asking if everything was fine between us. She just said she was busy, forgetful, and that she was sorry for not replying. She told me not to worry about it. I took her word for it, and rolled with it.

 

I messaged her a few times after that, just trying to initiate conversation how I usually would. I didn't make a big fuss over it, but inside I was dying for her to respond to me. I didn't want her to prioritise me over her school work (she becomes pretty much obsessive over school work when it comes to it), but I thought that surely she could spare a minute just to say hello, or tell me how she's doing, once a day or something.

 

A few weeks later, the response I got from her about just being busy with school work was still the last thing I had heard from her. So I sent her another a message, this time asking how she was, saying I loved her, etc. and that I hoped everything was going well. She read it, and I got no response. It's safe to say I was pissed off by this point, but I knew that this had happened before, and that at the end of it everything had turned out fine. I fooled myself into thinking that when her exams were over, it'd be just like how it was before. So I told myself to give her until finals week was over to message her again. I took her word that she was just busy with school work.

 

Then on Sunday, I got a message from her saying that she felt like we had mentally broken up, and that she was sure I felt the same. She said that because I hadn't been messaging her, she thought I was over her, and that she'd lost her feelings for me. It's safe to say I was angry at that. She sent this message directly underneath the message I had sent her about a week and a half beforehand asking how she was, and that I loved her. I thought, what the **** just happened? I gave her space like she asked for, because I knew she wanted to prioritise school, buried my own feelings, and I'm coming out of it with a breakup?

 

She told me that she assumed that I had been losing feelings for her. I don't know why she assumed that. She could have just asked. Then she told me that she had asked to break up with me not only because she had lost feelings for me, but also because she met someone on Friday.

 

Friday. She met someone two days ago. (I later did the math, and because of the timezones -- and the time when she sent her message saying she wants to breakup -- it was really less than 24 hours after meeting this guy.) And she wanted to breakup with me for him. She said that her feelings had been going for awhile because of the lack of talking, and I was devastated. I had always told her to be honest about her feelings. I assumed, because I took her word for it, she was just busy with school, not that she was losing feelings for me during this break.

 

I spoke to her about it for awhile, and it was obvious I wasn't going to convince her there and then. I asked her to just leave me alone after we finished that conversation. She agreed to that, and she said that she was sorry for hurting me. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Yeah, we hadn't been speaking, but that was only because I believed her when I asked her about it. I thought I had been considerate about the situation, knowing how she gets with school work, and decided to take a step back. It's obvious to me now that that was the worst mistake I could have made.

 

I don't know what to do about it all. I don't doubt what she said when we were together that she did love me, but at the same time I can't help but feel that even if I did persuade her to enter back into a relationship with me (by some miraculous turn of events, given the presence of this other guy), something like this might happen again because of how she gets with school work. She had promised me before that she wouldn't start to distance herself when getting ready for exams, but she did.

 

I want to talk to her, and try to get back with her. I want to convince her that she should be with me, not the other guy, but I know better than to actually do that. I know I won't get anywhere, and that if I really wanted to do that, then I'd have to wait until she was over this other guy. I'm holding out hope that it's just a temporary fling with this other guy, but even then, like I said before, I don't know how I feel about it all and whether or not I could trust her again. She's hurt me, and as much as I want to make everything go back to how it was before, I know that that's really ****ing unlikely, especially since I'm sure she doesn't feel the same way -- or if she does, she's really good at hiding it.

 

Any tips for what I should do? I've missed a day of work on Sunday, and now two days of school, over this.

[PegNosePete]

Then she told me that she had asked to break up with me not only because she had lost feelings for me, but also because she met someone on Friday.

Aha, here's the truth, finally.

 

I want to talk to her, and try to get back with her.

Sorry to say, what you want is not really relevant here. She has lost feelings and has fallen for another guy. You simply can't compete with another guy that is there with her physically. It's simply not possible. And even if she goes back to you after this relationship fails (IF it fails), you would be her second choice, backup plan. Very likely the same thing would happen again and again.

 

Any tips for what I should do?

You need to block her and move on with your life.

 

Don't fall for chicks on the internet. Meet them in real life.

[ExpatInItaly]

Aha, here's the truth, finally.

 

 

Sorry to say, what you want is not really relevant here. She has lost feelings and has fallen for another guy. You simply can't compete with another guy that is there with her physically. It's simply not possible. And even if she goes back to you after this relationship fails (IF it fails), you would be her second choice, backup plan. Very likely the same thing would happen again and again.

 

 

You need to block her and move on with your life.

 

Don't fall for chicks on the internet. Meet them in real life.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with the above.

 

OP, you two have never met (if I understand this correctly) An online "boyfriend" simply does not compare to someone in real life. I put boyfriend in quotations because I cannot see how you two considered yourselves to be in real relationship when you've never so much as gone on a date. I get that feelings and attachment developed, but it's just not the same as a in-person, offline relationship. You said you had a little fling in August 2015 - what do you mean by that? As I understand it, a fling involves some casual, physical intimacy.

 

You've learned a tough lesson here, which is never to invest in someone before you meet them. Never. Be friendly, chat once in a while, but don't assume it's the same as dating. As you're seeing, it's not. The prospects for you two weren't very feasible to begin with, given you couldn't have met until next year. Most people are not going to find that type of relationship very satisfying and they simply won't be able to maintain it. Even if she gives up this other guy, then what? You're still on different continents.

 

Unfortunately, I believe her telling you she thought you had lost feelings for her is just an excuse. I don't think she actually believes that. She lost interest but feels guilty so she's trying to turn it on you.

 

The best thing to do, which you won't want to hear right now, is forget about her. Meet local girls who can actually provide you with the attention and affection you deserve. Some young girl living on the other side of the world isn't The One.

[Orion39]

I read from another poster who put the following quote up:

"When people are willing to walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is not tied to the person who leaves."

 

As hard as that is to swallow I do believe it to be truth. Now having been in a long distance relationships before and also being the one dumped, I can relate to the feelings you are experiencing. What can I possible do to win her back?

 

From an outside point of view, perhaps the LD things was just too much for here. The one relationship I spoke of was 4 hours apart (had another that was 13 hours). In that relationship I tried everything I could to fix it and make it better, till one point she just told me to get the **** out of her life. She had chosen to be with another guy and it sucked.

 

Hindsight, it did not prove useful to pine for her or try to make it better, her time with me was over and her mind was made up. It seems she had checked out before breaking up with you. Though University is a legit excuse for being busy, when I was working on my Masters degree, my wife (the 13 hour long distance relationship) said she hardly saw me or felt like she lost me for 2 year because all I did was go to work and focus on school. It was a challenge for me to connect with her and we lived together but was always thinking and living school.

 

All that to say, it's not a bad thing to try and get back together with her, but don't spend too much time on it, give yourself a set amount of time you are willing to invest and if nothing happens know that you gave it your all, but for now it is not meant to be and start to move on. Best of luck, sorry to hear about your situation.