Lulu58 Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 My ex started a long distance relationship (3692 miles to be precise, the girl talks about it enough on fb) with a girl 2 weeks after we broke up, I told him I was giving him space to get his Uni work done because he was stressed and had so many deadlines and I didn't want to add to that, he thought I meant it was over apparently. Last night, after a long 8 hour discussion via fb (the first proper talk we have had in 7 weeks), he told me that if I had told him I loved him it would have changed things for us (he never said it to me either), but I thought it was too soon, especially when we hadn't really discussed where we were going etc. He then went on to say that 'it's complicated' with her, they haven't decided what they are doing and won't until they meet again, pointing out that he was unavailable 'for now' (his words). Does it sound like he is just on a weird rebound, is he just trying to get me to hang around as the 'second option', even though I told him I wasn't going to be that, or do you think he might be trying to get me to admit I have stronger feelings for him before he will break it off with her? He also said he didn't realise he wanted a serious LT relationship but something just changed and now he does, although he didn't say specifically who with... Is he just trying to mess with my head? I should probably mention that he only met this girl through a friend when she was over on a short 5 day break. They spent a day together hiking, I was supposed to go but couldn't last minute, but I did spend time with her while she was here and never saw anything between them, he seemed completely uninterested. I noticed she started flirting over fb when she returned home though. He told me after she went home he mentioned to her I had ended things, which I was obviously unaware of at that point, and that she then admitted she had feelings for him, they talked and decided to give things a go....
hippychick3 Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 Why would you have a serious discussion through Facebook? I don't get that. Why not speak in person or at least on the phone? The fact that you haven't communicated much in 7 weeks is pretty evident that there wasn't much of a relationship there in the first place. Let him go. If he had really cared about you and loved you, there would be no other girl in the picture. 1
PegNosePete Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 Does it sound like he is just on a weird rebound, is he just trying to get me to hang around as the 'second option', even though I told him I wasn't going to be that, or do you think he might be trying to get me to admit I have stronger feelings for him before he will break it off with her? No, it sounds like he's simply explaining his feelings to you, and you're reading all this stuff into it. It sounds like he's done with your relationship and wants to see how it goes with the new girl. Is he just trying to mess with my head? No, you're doing that all on your own. Generally exes (and in fact most people in general) don't do things just to irritate you or mess with your head. They just do what makes them happy. It sounds like you need to butt out of his new relationship. Stalking her on FB and analyzing every little interaction between them is preventing you from moving on. 1
Author Lulu58 Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 Sorry, maybe I didn't make it clear. We still kept in touch since it ended, we just didn't discuss our relationship overly much given the confusion and the fact we were both annoyed and hurt by each other at different points over the last number of weeks. I'm not stalking her, we are all friends on fb and he tags me in a lot of stuff along with her, so I see it in my newsfeed. He asked me to go over to his place while we were talking, but I couldn't because I had my kids, I also didn't feel that was appropriate without him telling her, which he didn't seem willing to do. Now that we have talked everything out properly about our relationship he is in constant communication, so I just wanted a bit of advice, I don't need attacked or anyone being rude or accusatory though, I'm just confused by his actions and what other people are saying to me. It's just the fact it was only two weeks after we split and because she is on another continent I was thinking it may be a rebound, I'm not reading into it, I just wanted someone unbiased to give me their opinion. It's the first relationship I've been in since my divorce so I just am not great at working out what the hell guys mean anymore lol. I'm not butting in on their relationship, I'm not like that, it's just some of my friends have said they think now that he realises that I had feelings for him and he isn't mad at me anymore he is reconsidering what is happening with her. His sister said to me she thought he was only with the other girl to essentially give me the finger because he was mad for a while and he knew it would upset me, but the fact that she lives on another continent meant he was never really 'with' her (in his sisters eyes btw), that was just her opinion though, and no I didn't ask for it lol, she was just checking in with me because we are friends and she brought it up. I have respect for their relationship, after all I was the one who said there was no point in discussing it any further because he had her now and he came back with 'it says complicated for a reason', then continued talking about it and when I responded with you are with her so it's silly to talk about us he answered 'for now'. I'm sorry, but I don't see how I'm reading into those kind of comments? He has been making comments today on how he has seen my morning face and about me being cute on public threads on fb, which I've let him know are a tad inappropriate given he is with her, but it hasn't stopped him. We were just the kind of couple who always communicated by text or fb, it's just the way we worked because I have young kids and talking on the phone can be impossible a lot of the time. As for the comment that there wasn't much of a relationship there in the first place, there was, we spent a lot of time together, we were beginning to integrate our worlds and while he was hurt when he thought I broke it off with him, I was hurt 2 weeks later when he got into something with her without talking to me. Obviously at that stage when I asked him what the hell he was doing he was still mad with me for ending it and we had a short conversation because both of us were annoyed and upset with each other. I said I didn't realise then that he thought I had broken up with him and he was still mad and didn't believe me, however now he says he has had time to calm he realised he misinterpreted what I said. So, for the 7 weeks we have been apart, he was mad for at least 2, then I was upset for a couple, and we have gradually been rebuilding our communication over the last 4, but I kept it short and friendly because I thought that's all it would be, I honestly believed his feelings for this girl were stronger than they were for me. It was only the other night we were both actually at a good enough point to discuss it, and that's the only reason these questions have come up for me.... Sorry if anyone is getting a bad impression of me and feel they need to be rude, I'm not out to steal him back. I'm not that kind of person.
LD1990 Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 He asked me to go over to his place while we were talking, but I couldn't because I had my kids, I also didn't feel that was appropriate without him telling her, which he didn't seem willing to do. If he would do this while he's with her it's likely he'd do the same while he's with you, which is a major red flag. From the sounds of it, he's keeping you around as an option. Saying "it's complicated" is just an excuse. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend again, it wouldn't be complicated, he'd try to rekindle the relationship. I'll echo the other advice regarding moving on. You should block him so you stop getting updates and so he gets the message that you're not gonna be one of his girls.
Author Lulu58 Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 Yep, thats what I've done. I've told him to go away, removed and blocked him. I'm not hanging around for anything. Thank u for being nice with your advice LD1990. 1
DevotedBaker54 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Moving on is hard, especially when you see your ex with another woman. You should be a priority in any relationship that you're in. You don't want to be with someone who has to make time for you, or someone who says they are too busy for you. Hold out for the person who makes time for you. Best of luck
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