WaxMechaniK Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 Hi all, I'm a guy and I've been dating another guy for just a few months now and it's been going really well. We pretty much see each other every single day, we enjoy doing everything the same, and we crave each other's company. It's brilliant. However, recently he has been generally quite down, and when i ask he tries to avoid it, however I eventually find out that he believes he's not good enough for me. He also randomly asks me now and then 'Are you sure I'm good enough for you?'. He is specifically talking about his looks. He doesn't believe he is good looking. However I think he's super attractive, I think he's gorgeous, I adore his looks, face and body, everything. Both outside and inside. And I tell him over and over, but he disagrees. It puzzles me as my friends and family have all commented very positively on his looks! When we have these discussions, he often mentions that I'm a very good looking person and that there are lots of people wanting me, hundreds of other blokes liking my Facebook photos, people commenting on my looks, etc. Honestly, I'm a self conscious person and I don't like my own appearance, but I've always had very positive comments about my looks. I can tell he is comparing us both, which is difficult both being guys. I know he's conscious about his weight a little too, as we have quite different body types. Although I keep telling him how attracted I am to his body, which is genuine! I think he has a great body. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone could please provide me any advice on this and/or some assistance in helping him find image confidence, feel happier, and allow us to have the best, most comfortable relationship possible? Be great to hear from you all on this. Thank you in advance!
PegNosePete Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 In my experience there are 2 reasons this "I'm not good enough" line comes out. 1) He has done something bad and the guilt talking 2) He has low self esteem and depression is talking Unfortunately the solutions to each of these problems are mutually exclusive... If it really is (2), then you'll probably find (as you in fact are finding) that complements don't help. This is essentially a kinder version of the "snap out of it", "it's all in your mind", "just choose to not be depressed" advice that is often given to depressed people. It's well meaning advice but it's simply impossible for the depressed person to follow, and in fact their inability to follow it makes their depression worse. He needs to get his depression treated properly before it tears your relationship apart. 3
Versacehottie Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 (edited) I agree with PNP that he probably has low self esteem (perhaps very low!) and possibly is depressed. Sure seeing someone about it would help. I'm not sure if you could suggest that until he opens up to you more about why he is saying what he is saying though. I think all you can do for now is continue to spend time with him and build trust and hopefully he will become more assured that you caring for him is genuine and that no other guy has a chance to scoop you up and away from him. EDITED TO ADD: Don't go overboard with compliments or reassurance or he won't think you are being sincere. That's all you can do for now IMO and hope it passes. Big caution though: this may start to grate on you as it can be a bottomless pit that no amount of reassurance is ever enough. Also the low self-esteem itself can be something that you start to find unattractive about him in spite of his good looks and personality. Only time will tell. I wouldn't break up with him but keep an eye on things and how it affects you. Good luck Edited April 26, 2016 by Versacehottie 1
smackie9 Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 All he is doing is guilting you out because you are receiving all this attention. Every time he is feeling insecure, he starts in on you telling you how ugly he is, and you give him his temporary fix of reassurance. The cycle repeats itself. What can you do?? stop reassuring him. Believe it or not, reassuring him is enabling his insecure behavior. Tell him you are getting tired of this and will not play into it anymore. If he says he can't help himself, then maybe it's time for him to get some counseling because it's unhealthy and it's starting to taint the relationship. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 Anyway, I was wondering if anyone could please provide me any advice on this and/or some assistance in helping him find image confidence, feel happier, and allow us to have the best, most comfortable relationship possible? Be great to hear from you all on this. Unfortunately you can't. He has self esteem problems which preexist your entrance into his life. Until he's ready to change you can't fix him. After a while it will grow quite tiresome to always have to prop him up. I say it all the time: fixer-up projects are for houses, furniture & cars, not relationships. 2
Satu Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 He has to do his own healing. You can't change, or cure him. He can definitely change himself though, if he's willing to do the work. 1
Ami1uwant Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 As others have said he likely gas self esteem issues or he has done something in 5he past he is ashamed of like cheating on you or he feels he can't live up to what you want. The latterm is common if you have two people dating from different s9cial ir education groups. For example 8f one is a doctor or lawyer and the other is just a clerk with an associates degree.
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