How do I break up with a great girl who has done nothing wrong.

[Fortysome]

I have been dating two woman for about 6 months now. They are both womderful woman but different in many ways. They both seem to assume that I am onky dating them and I am guilty of allowing them to think this even though we never had the "talk". They are both younger than me. I am divorced now for 2 years, was married at 19 for 25 years so my experience with relationships is very limited.

 

Girl #1 is probably the most physically attractive woman I have ever met. She is 25 and is a model and to boot is in grad school getting her phd. Very kind, very fun. No complaints at all.

 

Girl #2 is on her late 20s an engineer, very smart. Very beautiful to me, but nowhere near the level of girl#1. Girl #2 is more like the girl next door. I dont mean to get so hung up on looks im just trying to.paint the picture for you.

 

I have finally reached the point where i need to choose one because this is too stressful dating 2 woman, plus I feel like I am actually falling in love with girl #2. My problem is I have never broken up with a woman in my life. Girl#1 is wonderful and beautiful, but i find myself thinking of her more as a friend. Its crazy I know but I dont even want to have sex with her. We have never even had a fight of any kind, its just that ever since i began to have real feelings for girl #2, I find myself uninterested in girl #1.

 

Problem is girl #1 seems to be falling in love and really getting more and more sweet on me the more I pull away (typical huh?) I know that i need to end it but I just dont know where to start. Im not a mean person by nature so just kicking her to the curb feels so cold and heartless.

 

I kind of brought it up yesterday while we were on the phone that maybe we need a break. She insisted that we discuss it in person tomorrow. She is not needy but she is very very persuasive and i fear with her lobbying me in person and crying, i will have a hard time sticking to my guns.

 

I would love any advice on this.

Edited April 26, 2016 by Fortysome

[ExpatInItaly]

You've got yourself in quite a pickle.

 

You don't have much of a choice but to be firm (but kind) with Girl #1. Tell her you care for her but see her as a friend and not a romantic partner. Anything else is likely to get you stuck in "break" mode, and this isn't a break. It's a break-up. Make sure she is clear on that or she will probably hold on to hope that you will come back.

 

There will likely be tears and pleas to make it work. But you essentially have to just deal with it. You elected to multi-date, which is fine, but this sometimes leads to tricky situations especially when the other person doesn't know you're seeing someone else.

 

After that, be very careful about responding to any contact she makes. I realize you don't want to just cut her out, but you also cannot continue to be friends with her as this will give her false hope.

[SammySammy]

Tell her the truth.

 

You can be tactful, but tell her the truth.

[Omei]

6 months it's too long too date two woman at once you should of made this choice ages ago get ready for some massive tears and no you can't remain friends with the one you choose not to be with if they find out about each other you may lose both. Because you waited so long someone is gonna be hurt you just have to deal with it.

[266696687]

6 months it's too long too date two woman at once you should of made this choice ages ago get ready for some massive tears and no you can't remain friends with the one you choose not to be with if they find out about each other you may lose both. Because you waited so long someone is gonna be hurt you just have to deal with it.

 

Totally agree. Six months is far to long to have been dating two women. I presume you have been having sex with both of them? You've already stated they are currently unaware you have been seeing others so you haven't been honest with them either.

 

I think this problem is totally on your own head. Whatever consequences you've brought on you totally deserve. In fact if they find out and they both dump you you'll only have yourself to blame.

[Zippy2000]

"How do I break up with a great girl who has done nothing wrong. "Do what everyone does here..........."ghost" LOLNo Im only joking. People ghost as like yourself. Its hard to "reject" someone.Just tell her the truth "Sorry, I had a really good time but Im just not feeling it"The longer you leave this longer its going to hurt her. Do her a favour and do it now.

Sorry about the spacing. Think I ve got browser issues.

[Miss Clavel]

just tell one of them that you "met" someone. you "want to see where it goes". no matter what she says or does, keep repeating, "it's over, i'm so sorry.

 

do NOT say another word beyond goodbye.

 

most women with self respect will gather their pride and tell you to go f off.

 

in the future, if you are "looking" for the "one" don't have sex with the "others".

 

everyone is free to see whomever they please as often as they like but IRL, once you have sex with a women, she will believe she's the only one. no matter what your lips say, her body, her very dna nature as a woman is telling her to start nesting.

 

blah blah blah, "i'm newly single, not looking for anything heavy, can we just have a fling" does not mean you are actually looking for a no strings fling once you get naked. it means, to most women with a heart that you were looking for a fling until you met them.

[Zapbasket]

Decisive. You have to be decisive. Every day you hold off breaking Girl #1's heart, is an additional day of dishonesty with Girl #2...which gets worse as you two grow more emotionally intimate. That's' your motivation; it's going to suck to break the news; but you have to be honest and kind and definitive. Expect that she'll hate you for a while, for deceiving her.

 

Next step is even harder: you have to tell Girl #2 that you were seeing another woman, that you started dating them at the same time, and that your feelings grew so much for her that you had to let the other one go. It's the only way to set an honest foundation for the relationship going forward. She will no doubt feel deceived, but hopefully she'll focus on the fact that you DID choose her and DID close out on liaisons with the other woman. She has a right to ask for evidence that you have broken up with Girl #1. I know I would, in her shoes, since I'd feel pretty amazed that you could have been developing a relationship for SIX MONTHS with two women and kept me thinking I was the only one. Be willing to give her email passwords, access to your phone, whatever she needs to be sure the deceit is over.

[PrettyEmily77]

So you're a 46yo guy who has been dating a 25yo and a 29yo at the same time for 6 months - that's quite a bit of experience right there.

 

Have they been made aware that they've been pitched against each other for 6 months? That would help in giving a more taylored reply.

[PegNosePete]

You don't have much of a choice but to be firm (but kind) with Girl #1. Tell her you care for her but see her as a friend and not a romantic partner. Anything else is likely to get you stuck in "break" mode, and this isn't a break. It's a break-up. Make sure she is clear on that or she will probably hold on to hope that you will come back.

 

There will likely be tears and pleas to make it work. But you essentially have to just deal with it. You elected to multi-date, which is fine, but this sometimes leads to tricky situations especially when the other person doesn't know you're seeing someone else.

 

After that, be very careful about responding to any contact she makes. I realize you don't want to just cut her out, but you also cannot continue to be friends with her as this will give her false hope.

Exactly this. Also be careful of staying in contact with #1, because if #2 finds you were dating her at the same time and are still "friends", you may find yourself losing both.

 

Whatever you do, don't give her the "break" line. This is not a temporary break. It's a breakup.

[Arieswoman]

Fortysome,

I would just like to float these ideas past you;

 

If you are finding it hard to discard one of them maybe you don't really want either of them?

 

If you have been able to cheat on 2 women simultaneously for 6 months then maybe you just aren't cut out for monogamy?

 

Or maybe you have some entitlement issues that makes you think it's OK to test-drive women like used cars?

 

Food for thought eh?

[Popsicle]

Stuff like this is why I NEVER just assume.

 

If I like a guy and want to be serious and exclusive with him, we have to have "the talk". As awkward and obvious as it may seem to some, those words will be said.

 

As for what to do, you're just going to have to tell Girl #1 what you did. Be sure to tell her that you chose another girl so she doesn't harbor hope, and whatever you do, DONT keep in contact with her and try to remain "friends". That would be disrespectful to Girl #2. You have to let her go.

[O'Malley]

I'd tell the first woman that the chemistry isn't there on your end, because it isn't. I don't see the purpose of suddenly dumping your less than integral behavior into her lap and then saying "Goodbye!" Wish her well, but don't offer her friendship or stay in contact. She'll move on from you.

 

If you're having sex and romantic interactions with two people over the course of six months, there's a likelihood that you're going to get attached or one (or both) of them will. Since you were on the fence for half a year, creating attachment is something that you should have been avoiding...or you should have made it clear to both women by the 1 month mark that you were seeing other people. People have varying default assumptions about monogamy and commitment (especially after 5-6 months), so if you're seeing other people the onus is on you to be transparent about it.

 

If you decide to pursue a relationship with this second woman, you do owe her truth. She has the right to make the decisions that are best for her, the same way you'd want a potential partner to give you the truth so you could make the best decision for yourself.

Edited April 26, 2016 by O'Malley

[Popsicle]

I'd tell the first woman that the chemistry isn't there on your end, because it isn't. I don't see the purpose of suddenly dumping your less than integral behavior into her lap and then saying "Goodbye!" Wish her well, but don't offer her friendship or stay in contact. She'll move on from you.

 

This is actually a good point and a good idea. The chemistry isn't there.

[Fortysome]

I left a fee things out. I did not think they were important but maybe they are.

 

First if all neither of them knkws about the other. I still dont kniw how I was able to pull this off for so long. I dont know how i was able to rationalize this to myself as long as i did. I see that this behavior of mine was a bit narcissistic and that is just nit me. It just snuck up on me. I was casualy dating and befoore I knew it I was really enjoying the company of both woman.

 

Woman #1 was a bit more wild and sexually adventurous. She liked woman and to my utter surprise on more than one occasion brought another woman or two into our bed. This was something I had only dreamed about. It was quite exciting at first...no, it was always exciting, but I think it made it difficult to take the relationship too serious. It also made rationalizing that i was with another woman easier to myself. She was sharing me with other woman anyway, so whats the difference between that and me being with anither woman I liked. I see that this was a convenient way for me to rationalize bad behavior.

 

Girl #2 Is nothing like girl #1 in that regard. More traditional which I believe led to greater intamacy. The relationship with girl #2 from the start was always a temporary fwb type relationship though. You see girl #2 is Muslim and made ut very very very clear from the start that she enjoys my comoany and likes our relationship, but she would never get serious with a man that was not Muslim. I think in the beginning I thought "ok you are using me a bit which is ok because I enjoy our time together but if your never going to get serious with me...if there is no hope for this relationship, then what is the harm to date others?". Over time her position on only getting serious with a muslim man has changed. She is obviously very serious about me now and over time, even though I told myself not to fall for this girl because it was futile, my feelings for her just grew despite my attempts to block them. She is not religious at all, but her parents are, so I dont know what that even means if we were to continue down this road. I do know that I am very happy when I am with her.

 

As for girl #1, She and I have so much fun together and Im not just talking sex. Actually the sex while exciting was never spectacular. Never intimate and loving. But we have genuine fun together. We will sit for hours in a resteraunt just talking about anything and everything. We have such a great connection. When i think objectively about the two I am baffled. I mean girl #1 is gorgeous, smart, sexy, sexually adventurous and likes to share her girlfriends with me, sweet, cool, accomplished. We have a genuine connection and can sit for literally hours talking. I should be so in love with her yet I am not. Girl #2 is also beautiful but shy. I cant even imagine the thought of her doing the crazy sexual stuff as #1 yet all I can think about is having sex with her. Hell, I even read the Koran so I could understand her faith and her more.

 

So, girl #1 and I bought season baseball tickets together as we sre both baseball fans. She wants to go to the game tonight to discuss, but I am just not excited to spend the evening st a game knowing that I will break up with her afterwards.

 

I know I screwed up. I just want to do my best to fix what I have done the best I can.

[Arieswoman]

Fortysome,

I'm a bit lost here.

 

You want to ditch girl #1 because although she is really sexually adventurous (likes 3 somes etc) and you get on great, you are really in love with girl #2. But girl #2 has already told you she can't get serious with you because she is Muslim. So that relationship is going nowhere.

 

On top of that girl #2 is going against her faith by sleeping with a non-muslim and if the male members of her family find out they will either be coming for you or coming for her.

Ever heard of "honour killings"?

 

Personally I think you should let both of them go and find out what you really want.

 

Tread warily....

[Noideanow]

Girl nr 1 will have no problem with you "dumping" her, since she has no romantic feelings for you (but are you ready for her having no problem with that?:confused), only thing about her that May suffer will be her "ego" or the loss of a "friendship":cool: so i think your worries in that regard are without reason:)

A part of her May even be relieved:bunny: what i think with regard to Girl nr. 2 though is that you have to be honest from now on and stop seeing Girl 1, because i think she Will be very hurt if she finds out, that i say having in mind what you wrote about the two of you:love:

[Piddle]

Fortysome,

I'm a bit lost here.

 

You want to ditch girl #1 because although she is really sexually adventurous (likes 3 somes etc) and you get on great, you are really in love with girl #2. But girl #2 has already told you she can't get serious with you because she is Muslim. So that relationship is going nowhere.

 

On top of that girl #2 is going against her faith by sleeping with a non-muslim and if the male members of her family find out they will either be coming for you or coming for her.

Ever heard of "honour killings"?

 

Personally I think you should let both of them go and find out what you really want.

 

Tread warily....

 

Ariesgirl, that is a pretty ignorant comment to make. So every single muslim on the planet does not have sex before marriage and that 'male members' of the family go out honor killing. RIGHT. Seriously?? OP did say that girl 2 had changed her mind about only considering muslim men for serious relationship.

 

OP - you are clearly falling for girl 2, go for it and follow your instincts. The only thing I would say is make you are not subconsciously dividing them up into wife material vs girl you **** and have a blast with. Will the excitement last once you don't have girl 1 to get your kicks? I do agree with other posters. If you want a relationship with girl 2 you will have to tell her, and that could be a deal breaker. Who knows. Good luck!

[hugsandkisses]

Fortysome,

I'm a bit lost here.

 

You want to ditch girl #1 because although she is really sexually adventurous (likes 3 somes etc) and you get on great, you are really in love with girl #2. But girl #2 has already told you she can't get serious with you because she is Muslim. So that relationship is going nowhere.

 

On top of that girl #2 is going against her faith by sleeping with a non-muslim and if the male members of her family find out they will either be coming for you or coming for her.

Ever heard of "honour killings"?

 

Personally I think you should let both of them go and find out what you really want.

 

Tread warily....

 

No offense but in my humble opinion this is a really bad advice. I think OP has made his decision. OP, clearly you are falling in love with girl #2, despite her religion (let alone she is not even religious, it's her family that is), if she's getting serious about you and you're falling for her, I don't see what the problem is. Break up with girl #1 and make sure that it is a clean break; she's fun and beautiful she will bounce right back, it's better that you're honest with her and let her go so she can find someone who will fall in love with her the way you do with girl #2.

[preraph]

I'll just bet she is persuasive and I'll also bet she doesn't take no for an answer because it's only going to challenger her, having thus far probably been a foreign concept to her.

 

I think you just have to tell her you think she's great but you don't feel like she's the one and need to make room for someone you think may be. It's all you can do. And then if she is stubborn, I guess it could turn ugly, with her not going away and if so, then I guess you'd have to block her.

 

I don't think the new girlfriend is going to want a model hanging around in any capacity! Just a hunch. Good luck.

[dumbass2]

Whomever you break up with is probably not just going to go away and completely disappear after 6 months. Obviously this has gone on too long. A lot of the time when you break up with someone that has invested in a relationship, even for 6 months, that person may go through some stages of a break up where they are trying to make sense of it and want answers and wont just go away and may even beg and plead to stay together. You need to be prepared for that, but it's gotta end with one of them asap.

[dumbass2]

"Am I being used by this younger woman?"

This is one of the titles from one of your posts from Oct 2015. Is one of the girls you're talking about now this same girl?It's been about 6 months.

[Arieswoman]

Piddle #18

So every single muslim on the planet does not have sex before marriage and that 'male members' of the family go out honor killing.

 

No I didn't say that. I was pointing out that cultural differences can cause a lot of problems.

 

OP did say that girl 2 had changed her mind about only considering muslim men for serious relationship.

 

Maybe she has but OP hasn't taken into account family influences. Most Muslim families are very traditional. Muslim women are forbidden to marry a non-Muslim unless her partner converts to Islam. So men nominally convert to Islam in order to appease their partner's family.

 

As long as OP is OK with this.....

[ses]

I agree with the above posters who told you to be upfront with dating both women. Although I'm sure exclusivity was never discussed they both assumed they were monagamous with only you so be prepared for the inevitable fallout.

 

With respect to the Muslim girl FWB, she may not be serious about her religion but most still want their partners to be Muslim to placate their families (as another poster stated) since imams will not perform or recognize a nikkah (Muslim marriage ceremony) between a Muslim woman and non-Muslim man. Even the most nominal Muslim probably wants to marry another Muslim so that their children are raised in the religion. Unless you're willing to convert in name only for the wedding, I would move on from the girl and let her find a suitable match.

 

If her family ever got wind of this I have no doubt they would have her married off immediately because it's considered haram (forbidden) in Islam. I do have Muslim friends who are in relationships with non-Muslims but they've pretty much had to cut off contact with their families in order to make the relationship work.

[Fortysome]

Ariesgirl

 

No, i met both of these woman after i took the advice here and left the gold digger. These girls were both much different than that woman.