How do you make someone love you again?

[todreaminblue]

Hi I appreciate your advice and I promise to follow them. Right now, I still need some cries but I swear after this I'm gonna get back up and try to forget the thing causing me pain and I hate myself for not hating him, I should hate him right? For all the pain he caused me but the joy he brought just seem to weigh more than the pain and I want that joy back. but as you've said There are things that a man can't bring.

 

After moping, first thing I'm gonna do is to find myself because i dont even know me anymore. I don't know what makes me happy aside from the illusion of a perfect man and relationship.

I will find new things, maybe I'll right down the things that's hurting me cuz that makes me feel a lot better. I'm going to try to get my real life back without needing a man for that.

 

Thank you so much for the advice it helped a lot

 

never hate anyone......while theres hate in your heart you cannot find happiness...or know true joy...forgive him ..forgiveness is a step away from happiness.....feel empathy for him even.....people like him dont know how to love and thats sad.......

 

 

there is nothing that brings joy more than knowing how to love someone and making that person feel it btu it becomes true joy when that person feels the same way...you can do that.....he gave you a blessing by leaving you....you didnt waste time or your capacity to love on someone who cant love you back completely....smilin.....i wish you happiness....deb...........

[BlissfulIgnorance]

never hate anyone......while theres hate in your heart you cannot find happiness...or know true joy...forgive him ..forgiveness is a step away from happiness.....feel empathy for him even.....people like him dont know how to love and thats sad.......

 

 

there is nothing that brings joy more than knowing how to love someone and making that person feel it btu it becomes true joy when that person feels the same way...you can do that.....he gave you a blessing by leaving you....you didnt waste time or your capacity to love on someone who cant love you back completely....smilin.....i wish you happiness....deb...........

 

If only he knew how lucky he was that I felt infatuation for him even though I barely know the real him; if only he knew how much I could give, not material things but the 'real love' most people are seeking for, I coudlve given him everything, my time, my emotions, late nights, early mornings, my efforts, my heart and a lot more but it seemed like it will never be enogh.

 

I have to find myslef before investing that much on someone ever again and someday, I know the right person would be there to appreciate everything I have to offer.

[basil67]

No, you shouldn't hate him. He might have made an unrealistic promise, but you put commonsense aside and believed him. I think that deep down you recognise that both of you are at fault here. In short, the two of you are both dreamers who got caught up in a fantasy.

 

What's going on in the rest of your life? Why so alone?

[chumly]

theyneverloved...your last several posts sounded very positive...I am so glad to hear it. I see others gave you such terrific advice and their advice also helped me since I am going through my own thing myself.

 

I can also relate to your lonely feelings too. I am very lonely as well but I am trying to work on changing that and it sounds like you are too.

 

You really have the right attitude not to hate him and I agree with todreaminblue..about actually feeling sorry for him more than anything else.

 

Anyway, please keep us posted on how you are doing. I would be very interested in knowing. Virtual hugs to you:)

[chumly]

another thing I just wanted to suggest to you is if your sadness becomes too overwhelming you may want to consider seeking professional help.

 

I am doing that exact thing myself tomorrow but it is not just because of my obsession with this man but also because I seem to be in a major depression lately and both things seem to be tied together..so I just wanted to suggest that if you get to that point yourself you may want to keep that option in mind for yourself too. Although it does sound like you are heading in a positive direction from your last post but just thought I would mention this possible idea for you too.

 

Either way, good luck and like I said, please keep us posted.

[BlissfulIgnorance]

another thing I just wanted to suggest to you is if your sadness becomes too overwhelming you may want to consider seeking professional help.

 

I am doing that exact thing myself tomorrow but it is not just because of my obsession with this man but also because I seem to be in a major depression lately and both things seem to be tied together..so I just wanted to suggest that if you get to that point yourself you may want to keep that option in mind for yourself too. Although it does sound like you are heading in a positive direction from your last post but just thought I would mention this possible idea for you too.

 

Either way, good luck and like I said, please keep us posted.

 

Ohh I'm so sorry you feel depressed. I think we are going through the same emotions right now. Please promise me to be strong for the both of us You really helped me a lot to get through what happened to me yesterday and I hope I can make you feel better somehow.

 

Before I met this guy I have been suffering in depression for several months already, I usually always cry myself to sleep every night over things that's going on, from school stress to family problems to feeling so alone with no one but myself and just when I thought It couldnt get any worse, it did, when I met this guy who broke the last piece of my already shattered heart.

 

Last night I kept on thinking what went wrong and what I did wrong to deserve everything that happened. I looked at the photos he sent me. He doesn't usually smile on his photos but when I asked him to smile more often, he did it just for me snd He kept me updated of his life, when he was at beach with his friends, to driving and arriving back home, to having his new haircut or to visiting his parents, he sent me real photos of those events so I felt like I was with him in wherever he was and whatever he did and that's one hell of a move to make me fall for him even harder and I know his physical identity is real but his personality isn't. Maybe he did tell me honest things but most of it were just lies.

As I looked at the photos he sent, I was in tears, I feel sorry for him for not knowing how much I could've done for him, I was willing to go to his country sooner and meet him personally but he walked away too fast with no goodbyes or explanations. Just *poof* and he's gone! I think you know how that feels right? Well the last thing he said was 'Im sorry I can't anymore." Those words are keep on playing in my head over and over, and I really hope he meant his apology.

 

After I'm done crying I just told myself that he probably doesn't event care of what I feel so I should just stop wasting my time.

It's really hard to let go of something you used to want so much (or still does.) Really hard, and everytime I try to move on I keep on going back to step 1, every. single. time. but It's over and I can't change it. We can't change anything.

As for me, I'm back to my normal life (with more depression right now.) Im back to being alone and Im trying to accept that the 'magic' and 'fantasy' are over and Im back to the cold reality.

 

Some people judge me for my 'delusion' and fantasy over someone I just met online but I don't even care because they never felt the pain I'm feeling. It seems like for them, I'm not hurting that much already because 'nothing was real to start with'. If only they knew how real it was.

 

Maybe if in the next few days I don't get over these things that gives me so much agony I will seek some professional help but right now I'm just trying my best to forgive and accept everything and be positive about it.

I hope we feel better soon and I hope we will get through this one day.

I wish you and I all the best

Edited April 27, 2016 by theyneverloved

[BlissfulIgnorance]

No, you shouldn't hate him. He might have made an unrealistic promise, but you put commonsense aside and believed him. I think that deep down you recognise that both of you are at fault here. In short, the two of you are both dreamers who got caught up in a fantasy.

 

What's going on in the rest of your life? Why so alone?

 

Yes, I finally woke up after all the advice I got. I woke up from the fantasy and I hope it never happens again. I think he was never for seeking for love, he just went along with my dreams to get me to sext with him and get my nudes. I should've known that sooner.

I guess i was desperate to feel happiness again.

 

Um.. about the rest of my life, well, my parents and sibling aren't with me, I live with people I know who don't know me at all. I cant really hang out and laugh with them, they're busy with their own lives and problems. I am overseas since I moved out of the country 2 years ago so my real friends are not with me either and I feel so embarrassed to tell them that I have been 'catfished'. yeah, they know about the guy and they told me he was such a 'good catch' but oh well, I was in delusion so.. thats pretty much the summary of my life.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I finally woke up after all the advice I got. I woke up from the fantasy and I hope it never happens again. I think he was never for seeking for love, he just went along with my dreams to get me to sext with him and get my nudes. I should've known that sooner.

I guess i was desperate to feel happiness again.

 

Um.. about the rest of my life, well, my parents and sibling aren't with me, I live with people I know who don't know me at all. I cant really hang out and laugh with them, they're busy with their own lives and problems. I am overseas since I moved out of the country 2 years ago so my real friends are not with me either and I feel so embarrassed to tell them that I have been 'catfished'. yeah, they know about the guy and they told me he was such a 'good catch' but oh well, I was in delusion so.. thats pretty much the summary of my life.

 

OP, I live overseas too. I moved to Italy (from Canada) 3 years ago, all by myself. My family and closest friends are all back home too. So I get that feeling of being a little lost and isolated in a different country.

 

But you know what? We have to make our own happiness too. I sense I am older than you (35 here) and I have a full-time job. But I made it a point to get involved with social and special interest groups in my new city so I could meet new people and foster new friendships. I also socialize with my colleagues. We don't have to feel so alone, even when abroad. There are plenty of others in our position. Why are you overseas - working? Studying? Have you taken steps to meet new people?

 

I ask because you sound very unhappy in your life and you pinned way too much on this fantasy man. If you had other parts of your life you enjoyed, you wouldn't feel quite so despondent when a guy lets you down. What are your hobbies and interests? Many of us have been in horrible pain at the end of the relationship, but you simply must find other ways to build yourself up again. We all do it at some point. It hurts, but regaining your balance is critical here. I think you are mad at him and at yourself for believing the fantasy.

 

And please, as others have suggested, never ever invest in someone you've never met. Don't give them so much of your heart and build a future without actually meeting them and getting to know them. Why the detailed plan to meet and move and get married and have babies? It seems you're searching for an emotional safety net, but you're looking in the wrong places. You got him to make unrealistic promises. Nobody can promise they will never let you down; partners of many years can do it too, even when they don't mean to. You can't assume that being in love comes without risk. Love always comes with risk. I think you would be wiser to spend this time learning to love yourself before you get involved with a man.

 

May I ask how old you are, hon?

[BlissfulIgnorance]

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OP, I live overseas too. I moved to Italy (from Canada) 3 years ago, all by myself. My family and closest friends are all back home too. So I get that feeling of being a little lost and isolated in a different country.

 

But you know what? We have to make our own happiness too. I sense I am older than you (35 here) and I have a full-time job. But I made it a point to get involved with social and special interest groups in my new city so I could meet new people and foster new friendships. I also socialize with my colleagues. We don't have to feel so alone, even when abroad. There are plenty of others in our position. Why are you overseas - working? Studying? Have you taken steps to meet new people?

 

I ask because you sound very unhappy in your life and you pinned way too much on this fantasy man. If you had other parts of your life you enjoyed, you wouldn't feel quite so despondent when a guy lets you down. What are your hobbies and interests? Many of us have been in horrible pain at the end of the relationship, but you simply must find other ways to build yourself up again. We all do it at some point. It hurts, but regaining your balance is critical here. I think you are mad at him and at yourself for believing the fantasy.

 

And please, as others have suggested, never ever invest in someone you've never met. Don't give them so much of your heart and build a future without actually meeting them and getting to know them. Why the detailed plan to meet and move and get married and have babies? It seems you're searching for an emotional safety net, but you're looking in the wrong places. You got him to make unrealistic promises. Nobody can promise they will never let you down; partners of many years can do it too, even when they don't mean to. You can't assume that being in love comes without risk. Love always comes with risk. I think you would be wiser to spend this time learning to love yourself before you get involved with a man.

 

May I ask how old you are, hon?

 

Im really sorry I prefer to not say my age for some people here might judge me. Yes, youre a lot older than I am, more than 10 years.. and Im studying.

I know I have been so reckless and I hope I learn much from this mistake.

 

I think all of those dreams were because he knew the exact words to make me believe and fall hard and yeah maybe because I am very lonely.

I am not trying to justify my actions but he was the one who planned having babies and living together and stuff. I just wanted to meet him soon and i even planned to go on vacation on his country with my family and meet him and I also wished he was the one who ill end up marrying and the honeymoon part escalated quickly.and yeah it was soo wrong to wanna marry someone youve never even met but as Ive said I have been reckless. I admit that. The gods know how pure my intentions were.

 

I couldnt get mad at him. I dont even know why after all the pain, disappointment, and frustration, I can't manage to be mad at him. Im just here asking so many questions, very curious of what on earth went wrong but yes, im furious at myself for believing in this fantasy but not him for he brought me real happiness in a short period of time.

 

As of now Im still trying my best to deal with being left behind and I think Im doing okay. I somehow managed to not think about him every minute today and for me thats a big step but memory triggers bring me back to the starting line and hopefully later this year Im going back to my friends and family who loves me with all honesty.

 

I will follow your advice and I really appreciate it so much. Thank you sincerely -L

[BlissfulIgnorance]

I want to check his instagram profile and see if there's a new girl's name on it..

I know it's wrong but I don't know.. I keep on finding ways to hurt myself over and over again. Is that even still normal? I just want to know if he does it to everyone and I could warn them? :'( I dont even know what im up to. Just typing his name makes me weak and really sad. I need one more painful slap from reality.

Edited April 28, 2016 by theyneverloved

[LD1990]

No, don't check his profile. You're only making it harder on yourself. You're going to look crazy if you try to "warn" girls about him, and you really have no right to do that anyway. He's a guy on Instagram that didn't want to continue talking to you, not a serial killer.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, don't check his profile. You're only making it harder on yourself. You're going to look crazy if you try to "warn" girls about him, and you really have no right to do that anyway. He's a guy on Instagram that didn't want to continue talking to you, not a serial killer.

 

I completely agree.

 

OP, I know it hurts but he was within his rights to end it. What would you be warning people about, exactly? You were an equal participant. You went along with it, too.

 

Stop looking at his IG. Yes, it's normal to hurt after something ends. That will take some time so you need to be more patient. And no, you don't need one more painful slap from reality. What would that do for you? In the meantime, you must start participating in activities that build you up again. I asked previously, what are your hobbies and interests? Get more involved with those during this time. It really helps.

[BlissfulIgnorance]

No, don't check his profile. You're only making it harder on yourself. You're going to look crazy if you try to "warn" girls about him, and you really have no right to do that anyway. He's a guy on Instagram that didn't want to continue talking to you, not a serial killer.

 

Should I delete all the photos he sent me? should I delete our whole conversation from every social media platform we talked? I thought im okay now but when im alone, I cant help thinking about the good times. I want to stop. No. I desperately want to stop.

[BlissfulIgnorance]

The Delusion Is Over

 

I have had some kind of treatment a while ago and i think I'm the best I am after what happened. I never got the answers from him or from most people I asked help from, and I think that even if I do get answers from him, it's absolutely all just lies. Fortunately someone gave me the cold honest answers I was looking for.

 

The magic wasn't real. He was very convincing with his words to get me to pose naked for him. He made really big efforts like staying up until morning to talk to me to make me even trust him more and so I can do more for him, his endearments were never real, his promises were empty, his apology doesn't even mean a thing and he was such an expert.

After we sexted and got my nudes, he disappeared, It's embarrassing but it's the truth. He used his good looks and charm. Tho I thought he was really kind but I'll never know.

 

I should've seen the red flags.

1. when we met, he told me that he was getting away from the girls messaging him on his old instagram. -Why would he wanna get away? what's wrong with girls messaging him? He can always mute them if he wants.

2. The night before he dumped me, I was on my period. Which means no sexual talk or sexting. - he couldn't wait for a week and he wasn't very patient about that. (I guess that explains what went wrong.)

3. Just right after his very first message to me, he said he wanted to kiss me on my lips then down to my neck then blah blah.. (OBVIOUSLY) and he found me out of no where.

4. He said that he loves short, nonsuperficial, not so skinny, and tan girls. (That's EXACTLY how i look like) of coursee duh. he would change it everytime he meets someone new. LOLL how didn't I ever see that.

-This person never seeked for love. He knew what he was exactly after.

 

It was right in front of my face. I should've known.

My obsession over that man is over but it didn't lessen the pain. In fact it made it even more painful to know that almost everything was a lie. Tho his physical identity was real and he was really very attractive for me. It's sad how I couldn't figure out those things on my own. It felt like my brain and eyes were closed all this time. I needed someone to make me realize that he just used me for his own ego and now I'm glad that it's over

[chumly]

Hi there,

 

have not been on here for a few days..just wondering how you are doing? I am having difficulty determining from your last post if you were feeling better. I really hope you are.

 

I am doing a bit better myself but I still do think about my catfish person but less and less everyday. It is kind of helping that I promised myself that I would not even go on that dating site for a while because I believe he is back on there again. In fact, I dont even check my messages on that site and I dont even check the email address I gave him to email me. It would upset me too much right now if I found out that he did not message me so for now i am probably better off not even knowing.

 

I also find it helpful to simply talk to other men now. I have a few that I am talking too and one that I have had a few phone conversations with. He is actually sooo much nicer that this jerk. This is actually helping me quite a bit. I have connected to these people from online dating sites. I wonder if it would help you to get involved with a dating site? Alot of them are free and like I said, it might make you feel better just to have a conversation with someone else.

 

Anyway, I really do hope you are better and I really do appreciate all your kind and positive wishes! I believe we are both going to one day look back at all of this and wonder why we even invested this much energy anyway because we will both find a nice person that will really love us. :)Good luck with everything and please keep up posted. and lots of virtual hugs coming your way.

[BlissfulIgnorance]

Hi there,

 

have not been on here for a few days..just wondering how you are doing? I am having difficulty determining from your last post if you were feeling better. I really hope you are.

 

I am doing a bit better myself but I still do think about my catfish person but less and less everyday. It is kind of helping that I promised myself that I would not even go on that dating site for a while because I believe he is back on there again. In fact, I dont even check my messages on that site and I dont even check the email address I gave him to email me. It would upset me too much right now if I found out that he did not message me so for now i am probably better off not even knowing.

 

I also find it helpful to simply talk to other men now. I have a few that I am talking too and one that I have had a few phone conversations with. He is actually sooo much nicer that this jerk. This is actually helping me quite a bit. I have connected to these people from online dating sites. I wonder if it would help you to get involved with a dating site? Alot of them are free and like I said, it might make you feel better just to have a conversation with someone else.

 

Anyway, I really do hope you are better and I really do appreciate all your kind and positive wishes! I believe we are both going to one day look back at all of this and wonder why we even invested this much energy anyway because we will both find a nice person that will really love us. :)Good luck with everything and please keep up posted. and lots of virtual hugs coming your way.

 

Hi, Im glad to know youre feeling better, a few more steps and youre back to feeling totally okay again.

As for me, I feel much better than the last few days. I also talked to one person about it, the kind of person who won't judge me and would completely understand my situation. I have just met someone online who makes me forget about everything for a little while but this time I know my limits and I won't be making the same mistake. Honestly, I'm trying to avoid dating again for now, I wanna find myself because he took it with him the day he dumped me. Lets just not make these people the rebound and I think all will work out for the best!

A few more steps.... <3

[chumly]

Hi, Im glad to know youre feeling better, a few more steps and youre back to feeling totally okay again.

As for me, I feel much better than the last few days. I also talked to one person about it, the kind of person who won't judge me and would completely understand my situation. I have just met someone online who makes me forget about everything for a little while but this time I know my limits and I won't be making the same mistake. Honestly, I'm trying to avoid dating again for now, I wanna find myself because he took it with him the day he dumped me. Lets just not make these people the rebound and I think all will work out for the best!

A few more steps.... <3

 

I am so happy to hear that you are doing better and found someone to talk to that has been very helpful for you! I am glad to also hear that you met someone online that is taking your mind off things for a little while too. I agree that it is so important to set limits and not allow a rebound thing to occur too. I think that is a good idea that you have about finding yourself! Maybe I need to do something like that as well. I need to gain my self esteem and feel better about myself. I should probably do this before really entering into the dating world but I must admit becoming simply friends with a nice man would really be so wonderful for me and perhaps all that I would need at this point anyway.

 

Anyway, thanks so much for letting me know how well you seem to be doing! It is very inspiring for me to hear. Thanks so much.