MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC A confident woman who knows she can have any man she wants will know that she can have him when she feels like it and therefore does not need to cave into any pressure. If she feels pressured, she is confident she can walk away and will be losing nothing in the process. She is of value and therefore will not waste her time with a man who does not value her. If I want to have sex with a man I am interested in, I won't force him if he's not ready. I will also not have sex because a man pressured me into it. Just because I can have any man I want, doesn't mean that when I DO have sex that I'm caving into any pressure. I'm having sex because I want to have sex. I can walk away and still be confident that I have lost nothing. I have gained a wonderful sexual experience to remember. At this point in my life, I could care less if anything came of it. I value myself but if all I want is sex one night I could care less if the guy I'm with values me if all I want out of him is sex. I have morals and standards by which I live and raise my children. But sometimes sex is just sex as someone quoted earlier.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by zack121 It seems from the people I have spoken to, and I only mention this now to you as I am interested, when did you first realize that you were emotionally detacced from your ex H, what were your circumstances or what led you to feeling this way? Also while I'm probing, did you tell him this? After about 7 yrs of marriage, internet affairs on both our parts, counselling, trial separation, more counselling, back together for a few years, then calling it quits after giving it one last try. Throw in a couple of real-life physical affairs on my part as well. Zero communication on both our parts, both to blame in this whole mess. But we're still great friends, always have been, always will be. He's coming over for dinner, and bringing his leftover pasta salad that he made with feta cheese. I made greek salad last night, also with feta. Never in our 15 yrs together did either one of us ever by feta. Weird coincy eh?
mental_traveller Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 If you don't have sex early, then you might waste weeks or months and then find you are totally incompatible in bed. Also, sex is fun so why not do it early on if both people are into it. Wanting to find out compatibility, and wanting to have fun, are not indications of low self-esteem or behavioural problems - they are perfectly rational things to do.
XNemesisX Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Maybe this is just my own mental hang up but if I don't have sex with a guy *fairly* soon then I will forever more see him as a friend. Idk...I just think it depends on the situation. I've never been a fan of ONSs but usually you know when the time is right (even if mass quantities of alcohol are involved)
Treasa Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 I love sex. I'm a woman. That being said, I don't believe in sleeping together right away. In my 30 years on this earth, I can think of maybe FIVE times when a woman has slept with a man just because it was fun, claiming she wasn't going to be attached, and then actually didn't become attached. The other bazillion times the woman got hurt because she became attached and he didn't. If it's just sex, then there wouldn't be a need for attachment. These, of course, don't include drunken one night stands, which I think are purely stupid and potentially dangerous. If a man wants what I have to offer, then he can earn it. I love sex. But honestly, sex is mostly about the orgasm or the physical feelings, which I can do for myself via masturbation. If it's about the warm body, the touching, etc., then you want CUDDLING, not sex. I actually think Confused is right, at least for many women. I think they do it because they want to try and snag a man, and don't think that they're good enough to do it without giving it (sex) up.
alphamale Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX Maybe this is just my own mental hang up but if I don't have sex with a guy *fairly* soon then I will forever more see him as a friend. I agree XNX....i've slept with many women and the ones where the chemistry was mutual and strong we usually had sex before the 4th date. yaa hoo! some of 'em i banged on the 1st date...
ConfusedInOC Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 If I want to have sex with a man I am interested in, I won't force him if he's not ready. I will also not have sex because a man pressured me into it. On the first date?!.... Read the first post. Just because I can have any man I want, doesn't mean that when I DO have sex that I'm caving into any pressure. I'm having sex because I want to have sex. At what point though? First date? I can walk away and still be confident that I have lost nothing. I have gained a wonderful sexual experience to remember. At this point in my life, I could care less if anything came of it. Not what sex was intended for but ok.... I value myself but if all I want is sex one night I could care less if the guy I'm with values me if all I want out of him is sex. I have morals and standards by which I live and raise my children. But sometimes sex is just sex as someone quoted earlier. Thus the problem with society today. I rest my case.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by Treasa I love sex. I'm a woman. That being said, I don't believe in sleeping together right away. In my 30 years on this earth, I can think of maybe FIVE times when a woman has slept with a man just because it was fun, claiming she wasn't going to be attached, and then actually didn't become attached. The other bazillion times the woman got hurt because she became attached and he didn't. If it's just sex, then there wouldn't be a need for attachment. These, of course, don't include drunken one night stands, which I think are purely stupid and potentially dangerous. If a man wants what I have to offer, then he can earn it. I love sex. But honestly, sex is mostly about the orgasm or the physical feelings, which I can do for myself via masturbation. If it's about the warm body, the touching, etc., then you want CUDDLING, not sex. I actually think Confused is right, at least for many women. I think they do it because they want to try and snag a man, and don't think that they're good enough to do it without giving it (sex) up. Treasa, I am glad to see you say this. Gives me hope there are still some "good girls" out there. As much as women harp on not being able to find a good man, I would argue it's just as hard for men to find a good woman. Respect yourself and you will not need to give of yourself to win a man. Your own self-respect and confidence will attract a man who wants you for who you are, not what he can get from you. And I would NEVER, EVER want to be with a woman who thinks "it's just sex...." They just don't understand. Take a bow, you deserve it.
Treasa Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Take a bow, you deserve it. Hahaha...you won't be thinking so when you read my response on the homosexuality thread.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX Maybe this is just my own mental hang up but if I don't have sex with a guy *fairly* soon then I will forever more see him as a friend. Idk...I just think it depends on the situation. I've never been a fan of ONSs but usually you know when the time is right (even if mass quantities of alcohol are involved) ...and if you do it fairly soon, he'll think of you as only a lay. Men will cherish what they have to work for. Not what they can easily get. Think about it.....
ConfusedInOC Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by Treasa Hahaha...you won't be thinking so when you read my response on the homosexuality thread. No worries. I don't take offense to differing opinions. Never have.
SexKitten Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC ...and if you do it fairly soon, he'll think of you as only a lay. which the man would have no right to look down on, as he was also... *ahem* laying. who wants to be with someone who's that judgmental and hypocritical anyway? if a guy i had just slept with put his clothes on and said "i cannot believe you just f*cked me, where is your self-respect, you lowdown dirty hussy" i think i would injure him and ask "where's yours, turd?" then i would probably laugh indefinitely.
katiebour Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Hmm- what a hot topic! Tempers flying like crazy! In my case: First boyfriend- we slept together on about the 3rd date. We were both virgins, college students, and it was a curiosity deal. I think the freedom of being out from under my parent's roof, and the freedom to make my own decisions, along with just wanting to see what "it" was like prompted the desire to make love. We were together for three years- eventually the relationship petered out. Second boyfriend- we slept together on the first date. Of course, the date lasted a month because we were not without each other at all during that time- couldn't get enough of each other. I have never felt the depth of attraction for anyone else that I felt for him- before or since. We had a great conversation, lunch, a movie, hung out, and frankly when he kissed me I just said "what the hell", because I didn't feel like denying myself. Since I had only been with one other man, and that a LTR, he didn't disrespect my decision or call me a slut, just recognized that we were both comfortable letting the amazing chemistry we both felt take its natural course. We were together for 3 1/2 years. Since then I've had a few one-night stands- mostly because I wanted to enjoy physical intimacy. There's nothing quite like making love. I didn't set out to create a relationship from a ONS, and when I have dated seriously in the past few months I haven't made love with the guy at all. Obviously a detractor to becoming physically involved so quickly is that you may become infatuated before ever getting to know the person- that being said even folks who wait until marriage still end up divorcing. Bottom line- I like sex. I like knowing that a man finds me as attractive as I find him, and if a mutual desire to make love expresses itself, I don't have a problem with that. If he wants to wait, I'm fine with that too. I'm also an impatient sort of gal- I like gratification in the here and now. There are benefits to waiting, but I hate to tell my body "no." My vibrator just isn't as good. It doesn't have anything to do with self-esteem issues- any guy who doesn't value me for the person I am because I chose to make love with him, and yet feels good about himself for making the same choice is probably not someone I really need to get involved with anyway. Anyway, I believe that love-making is a wonderful, beautiful thing and I enjoy it. And that's the main reason I do it. Take care.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 My magic number is pretty low, by guy standards at least (most of it racked up in the last year and half after my 11-year relationship ended). But I've experienced some of everything. Some of those women gave it up on the first or second date. Of those, some I'm pretty sure had low self-esteem. Some of them appeared to just really dig sex and the chemistry was right. A few others waited a bit longer, 3-4 dates, and I'm not convinced any of those had low self-esteem. This is pretty unscientific, but I think that if a woman has sex very early on, it's MORE likely that she has low self esteem than if she waits to get it on. That doesn't mean 90% (or even 50%!) of all women who put out on a first date have low self esteem... just more of them. Oddly enough, one of my most memorable times was on a second date (would've been on the first date but for a complicated story), and the woman was highly motivated, incredibly self-confident, very driven, and makes really good money.
Treasa Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by SexKitten which the man would have no right to look down on, as he was also... *ahem* laying. who wants to be with someone who's that judgmental and hypocritical anyway? if a guy i had just slept with put his clothes on and said "i cannot believe you just f*cked me, where is your self-respect, you lowdown dirty hussy" i think i would injure him and ask "where's yours, turd?" then i would probably laugh indefinitely. That's the nice thing about not sleeping with just anyone. I've never had a man say that to me. I still think that most women will get attached. I've seen countless posts here about women who say that they tried FWB, but then they got attached and got hurt.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by SexKitten which the man would have no right to look down on, as he was also... *ahem* laying. I agree. who wants to be with someone who's that judgmental and hypocritical anyway? We're all both. My point is that if you respect yourself, you'll wait. if a guy i had just slept with put his clothes on and said "i cannot believe you just f*cked me, where is your self-respect, you lowdown dirty hussy" i think i would injure him and ask "where's yours, turd?" then i would probably laugh indefinitely. I put just as much responsibility on men. They shouldn't be pressuring, they should respect themselves and WAIT. When people start looking sex as "It's just sex, big deal?!" I can see our society crumbling. We push sex to sell most everything and desensitised and has devalued one of the most wonderful things God granted to married couples. Who wants to be with someone who thinks "it's just sex..."??? I sure as heck don't.
katiebour Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 ahahaha- you kill me OC. Sex was granted to all people, married and single, as most of us have proven. The institution of marriage was created by man, and sex certainly took place before that. And while society may devalue sex, that doesn't mean people on an individual level do. I certainly value mine! That being said, I don't like the idea of using it as a commodity to "trap" a man as was once suggested to me. I give my love (physical and mental) without restrictions to those I deem worthy- if it backfires then I have only myself to blame. But at least I learn something each time. Anyway, thanks for your refreshingly different point of view. I may not agree with you, but I respect your honesty. Take care.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by katiebour ahahaha- you kill me OC. Sex was granted to all people, married and single, as most of us have proven. The institution of marriage was created by man, and sex certainly took place before that. And while society may devalue sex, that doesn't mean people on an individual level do. I certainly value mine! That being said, I don't like the idea of using it as a commodity to "trap" a man as was once suggested to me. I give my love (physical and mental) without restrictions to those I deem worthy- if it backfires then I have only myself to blame. But at least I learn something each time. Anyway, thanks for your refreshingly different point of view. I may not agree with you, but I respect your honesty. Take care. I love healthy, informative, constructive and enlightening discussions I realize we do not all think alike. Life would be utterly boring if we did. Cheers
reservoirdog1 Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Sex was granted to all people, married and single, as most of us have proven. The institution of marriage was created by man, and sex certainly took place before that. Excellent point, Katie. We push sex to sell most everything and desensitised and has devalued one of the most wonderful things God granted to married couples. Somebody or something out there granted it to the Neanderthals too, and that was way before there was any concept of marriage (and even longer before the concept of the Christian marriage). Guess that means they were all a bunch of sinners? Oh, but then again, the Bible doesn't talk about anything before about 6,000 B.C..... You're right, OC, this is fun. Good to have a bit of a distraction during a busy day.
SexKitten Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by Treasa That's the nice thing about not sleeping with just anyone. I've never had a man say that to me. I still think that most women will get attached. I've seen countless posts here about women who say that they tried FWB, but then they got attached and got hurt. i haven't actually ever had a man say that to me. i did, however, have one FWB dealie. we're still friends, and we're both with other people now. i doubt i would be lucky enough to have it that way twice, though.
Pocky Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Everything's predicated on sex, when it's a known fact those who abstain from sex before marriage tend to stay married, longer. Christians have the same divorce rates as Atheists and Agnostics. You can find the information online.
SexKitten Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 i don't want kids, but i hope i'm doing it until i can't do it anymore.
XNemesisX Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 And I would NEVER, EVER want to be with a woman who thinks "it's just sex...." They just don't understand. From my understanding your ex wasn't exactly an angel when it came to sex, CIOC! You certainly weren't the only person she did the deed with and she didn't wait a prolonged amount of time to do it either...tsk tsk Somebody or something out there granted it to the Neanderthals too, and that was way before there was any concept of marriage (and even longer before the concept of the Christian marriage). Guess that means they were all a bunch of sinners? "You and me baby ain't nothin but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel..."
Linlin Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by zack121 sorry maths is/was not my forte you were married for 10 and with him for 6? does that mean for 4 years you were separated. No that means that we were together for 16 years. 6 Dating and 10 married. Fair enough on your choices. You should like your using bravado, and a little cynical, Sowing wild oats? why do you feel like that did you did not get enough sex during your teens, 20's, 30's. Will sowing your wild oats make you feel what? more complete, more attractive, more loved? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this as its something I have heard before and don;t understand. Does having ONS make women feel wanted/needed? or as I am beginning to see , women perhaps in some way are using the guys to for fill a desire. This is the longest span in my life (1 1/2 years) that I have not had a boyfriend or was married. For the record I am 37. It has basically nothing more to do with fulfilling basic human urges right now. We are all sexual beings to some degree. Some of us like/want sex more than others. If I choose to have sex with someone and we talk and get along and attracted to each other why not. I have had only 3 ONS but I do have a couple FWB. It serves a purpose in my life for me right now. I am starting to date someone and this would totally end if I were in a realtionship. I would be monogomous. But for now it is fun. I had a women come up to me in a club, she was 40ish and asked if I wanted to F((k her, there was nothing more unattractive than this, I could have said something evil and cruel, I choose to say, I loved to, but I'l have to wait until I'm 40 (it was nicer than this - it happened a few months ago) but I did not want to hurt her feelings, but the fact she said that to me, showed me thats not what I want to hear. Never said anything like this ever to any guy. But I am not going to judge. I agree being spoken to this way could be a turn off. I have usually spent a few hours over drinks talking at least first. Not saying that makes it better but that is what has happened with me. As a side note, when I was 20, I slept with my ex one the first date and it did last 16 years. You can't fit everyone and their dating situations and numbers into a box and say that 3-5 dates is the majic number for sex. Everyone and every individual is unique.
ImaManDammit Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 Food for thought. There are many things in life that started out as a need. And humanity has showed we like to over indulge in things that are pleasurable. But because it was pleasurable humanity has allowed it to become adictive and has abused its intended purpose for self gratification. Examples: With food, you got to obesesity With medication you got drug addiction Love and procreation you got nonachallanet attitude towards sex. And because of this, each one used no longer the way it was intended, the negative effects were created. Food you got Cornerary Disease Medication you got Overdoses Casual Sex you got STDs. In each one of the cases, they are treated as an illness so having said that, shouldn't the use of sex for merely personal pleasure, be treated as an illness as well? Now don't throw stones, this came up in a discussion last night and thought it might be appropriate.
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