kittyxo Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 I read about this term called "ghosting"? Basically you're dating a guy and everything goes great, then he becomes distant with his messages and then disappears completely. I was dating this guy for a month. He was rushing it but the one thing I learned from my previous relationship was to be open and if I didnt like something to speak up. He asked me to be his girlfriend only after 5 dates, but I felt as if I didn't know him well enough, and he was super busy. He seemed fine with that and respected my decision. Fast forward 3 weeks later, and he starts becoming distant, ultimately ignoring any attempt I made to figure out what the heck was going on. I just sent him a text message saying that I understand his actions and that he's not interested. I know that sending him a message wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I felt for my own sanity I would try to get some closure within myself. He obviously didn't reply.. Why do people do this? Why the games? This feeling sucks!! I reopened my heart after being dumped by my ex of 5 years and now I'm feeling heartbroken all over again. How do I deal with this?
Kellens Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 I had something kind of similar happen to me. I had a terrible ending to a 7 year relationship and the first guy I went out on a date with liked me a lot and although I was hesitant, I gave him a chance. He asked me to be his girlfriend after 2 dates, I said no since it was way too fast and I hadn't been single for 13 years. I went out with him 2 more times and he slowly disappeared. I thought I did something wrong and maybe I should have agreed to be his gf but after dating for a year after that, I realized that some guys just do this. I've read many stories on here of the same happening to others. Even though I had only known him about a month or so, I grew attached because it felt good to have someone tell me I was beautiful again and to feel desirable. It was hard to get over but after about 2 weeks I just jumped right back into dating. The feelings will pass, you have strong emotions because of your break up, but you will move on. My advice is to get out and meet more people and keep yourself busy. If one guy liked you that fast there will be plenty of others that will too 2
Author kittyxo Posted April 25, 2016 Author Posted April 25, 2016 I had something kind of similar happen to me. I had a terrible ending to a 7 year relationship and the first guy I went out on a date with liked me a lot and although I was hesitant, I gave him a chance. He asked me to be his girlfriend after 2 dates, I said no since it was way too fast and I hadn't been single for 13 years. I went out with him 2 more times and he slowly disappeared. I thought I did something wrong and maybe I should have agreed to be his gf but after dating for a year after that, I realized that some guys just do this. I've read many stories on here of the same happening to others. Even though I had only known him about a month or so, I grew attached because it felt good to have someone tell me I was beautiful again and to feel desirable. It was hard to get over but after about 2 weeks I just jumped right back into dating. The feelings will pass, you have strong emotions because of your break up, but you will move on. My advice is to get out and meet more people and keep yourself busy. If one guy liked you that fast there will be plenty of others that will too Thank you Kellens for the reply. I felt the same as well. I didnt want to immediately jump back into a relationship because I didnt really know him that well. How did you not blame yourself? I feel kind of stupid, especially since I sent him a text telling him I was understanding that he didnt want to continue to see me. Guess I just needed closure formyself
Zippy2000 Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 Sorry to hear he ghosted on you but to answer your question. One of the main factors why people "ghost" is its easier to just fade to grey than write up or text a rejection to say you are no longer interested. I was that guy who ghosted on a couple of girls. However this is in my younger years and I learned its better to say your no longer interested than let someone hang on. Think about it. When was the last time you wrote or called some to say your not interested? Hard to think up of something? Sure! This is why people ghost.
Rainah Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 I have started the whole ghosting thing today to start NC, my reason is because he likes to manipulate his way into keeping me talking to him and acting like nothing I said happened when all I want to do is vanish from his life. If I feel this way I am sure other people who do ghosting probably feels the same way. Its just an easier tactic to do rather than dragging it on and on, he possibly feels the same way. 1
Kellens Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 Thank you Kellens for the reply. I felt the same as well. I didnt want to immediately jump back into a relationship because I didnt really know him that well. How did you not blame yourself? I feel kind of stupid, especially since I sent him a text telling him I was understanding that he didnt want to continue to see me. Guess I just needed closure formyself I DID blame myself. I looked through back all of our texts and tried to figure out what I did wrong. I sent the same kind of text to my guy, it now seems so weak but in the moment, I need closure just like you. I did eventually get it but it took a while. You have to realize that it's not your fault. These guys are either users or just don't know what they want, it has nothing to do with you. I promise you that there are a lot of guys out there, in a few weeks you will feel better. Even if it takes longer, in a few months this guy will seem like a distant memory.
SomethingToSay Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 It is so cowardly. Ive broken up with numerous guys in my life. Its very easy. you just say "Im just not feeling it anymore" "we are headed in different direction" "I don't think we are that compatable" "I dont have time to focus on a relationship right now" or any other myriad of token reasons that are gentle enough to not hurt the persons feelings terribly. if its initial stages of dating, you say "I see us more as friends" or "you are nice person but I just don't have a romantic connection" But these men who do this are just damn cowards and jerks. They are so afraid you might push for an actual conversation that they are too afraid to even do it via text. They are like frozen little scared deer in the woods. pathetic. HOWEVER, I think they some of them really get off on it too. Some kind of twisted passive aggressive, projected anger thing. Or it boosts their egos to know they "had to just poof" (EYEROLL) 1
kendahke Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 I read about this term called "ghosting"? Basically you're dating a guy and everything goes great, then he becomes distant with his messages and then disappears completely. I was dating this guy for a month. He was rushing it but the one thing I learned from my previous relationship was to be open and if I didnt like something to speak up. He asked me to be his girlfriend only after 5 dates, but I felt as if I didn't know him well enough, and he was super busy. He seemed fine with that and respected my decision. Fast forward 3 weeks later, and he starts becoming distant, ultimately ignoring any attempt I made to figure out what the heck was going on. I just sent him a text message saying that I understand his actions and that he's not interested. I know that sending him a message wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I felt for my own sanity I would try to get some closure within myself. He obviously didn't reply.. Why do people do this? Why the games? This feeling sucks!! I reopened my heart after being dumped by my ex of 5 years and now I'm feeling heartbroken all over again. How do I deal with this? I think you dodged a bullet. He's not a forever man. Have you slept with him yet?
preraph Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 Look, it wasn't meant to be. No reason to mourn over it. He wasn't compatible, wasn't getting whatever he wanted, OR he just met someone else he wanted to try out. You can't let that get to you. Please stop contacting him and just BLOCK him or else some night when he's drunk and lonely, he'll come do the same thing to you over and over again and he'll figure it's justified because you weren't mad the first time and still let him in. So set a boundary now and get rid of him and move on. Sorry you're hurt. Don't be. It wasn't a good match.
alwayshopeful1 Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 I read about this term called "ghosting"? Basically you're dating a guy and everything goes great, then he becomes distant with his messages and then disappears completely. I was dating this guy for a month. He was rushing it but the one thing I learned from my previous relationship was to be open and if I didnt like something to speak up. He asked me to be his girlfriend only after 5 dates, but I felt as if I didn't know him well enough, and he was super busy. He seemed fine with that and respected my decision. Fast forward 3 weeks later, and he starts becoming distant, ultimately ignoring any attempt I made to figure out what the heck was going on. I just sent him a text message saying that I understand his actions and that he's not interested. I know that sending him a message wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I felt for my own sanity I would try to get some closure within myself. He obviously didn't reply.. Why do people do this? Why the games? This feeling sucks!! I reopened my heart after being dumped by my ex of 5 years and now I'm feeling heartbroken all over again. How do I deal with this? Kittyxo, I sympathize with you and the situation that you're in as I find myself in your exact same shoes. I came to LS for advice and have been following the NC guidelines which have helped immensely. It's going on 3 weeks since we last spoke and since he initiated plans to spend time with me only to leave me hanging with no follow up. Left wondering just like you. I've felt disappointed, foolish, hurt, disrespected and now angry. I did send a "closure" message maintaining a non confrontational tone. Didn't ask "why"... Just stated facts. Gave him a piece of my mind in a respectful way. Don't know if he read it. He never responded. After rushing to be such a gentleman he proved to be quite the opposite. I wish I could pinpoint a reason that lead to this scenario unfortunately there doesn't seem to be an explanation when dealing with flakey people such as these. Let this serve as a learning experience for you and be thankful that you didn't dedicate more into something that was going no where with an someone who lacks courtesy and loyalty. Keep busy, block him from everything, don't check up on him and remember that if he was truly into you, you wouldn't be left guessing of his intentions. Best of luck and stay positive. You rid yourself of bad company/vibes. Karma will get him. Hugs!
alphamale Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 How do I deal with this? you can't do anything about people losing interest....I 'ghosted' many women after 3 or 4 months of dating because I either lost interest or they pissed me off in some fashion.
SomethingToSay Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 you can't do anything about people losing interest....I 'ghosted' many women after 3 or 4 months of dating because I either lost interest or they pissed me off in some fashion. Why not just give them a breakup text or call? Why do you "ghost"? Its very distressful for the person on the receiving end of it. 1
Larryville Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 Why not just give them a breakup text or call? Why do you "ghost"? Its very distressful for the person on the receiving end of it. While ghosting is not cool, the thing is anyone that is truly in tuned to their relationship can see it coming from a mile away. People get shocked because they have crappy emotional radar or EQ. If a dude starts talking about "exclusivity" or "love" after a couple of dates is either mentally ill or is full of crap. 1
alphamale Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 Why not just give them a breakup text or call? Why do you "ghost"? Its very distressful for the person on the receiving end of it. because no matter what you say it will be taken the wrong way. 2
alwayshopeful1 Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 While ghosting is not cool, the thing is anyone that is truly in tuned to their relationship can see it coming from a mile away. People get shocked because they have crappy emotional radar or EQ. If a dude starts talking about "exclusivity" or "love" after a couple of dates is either mentally ill or is full of crap. You're right. You can smell it from a mile away. So you start to distance yourself to avoid further drama. But the whole disappearing thing is troubling. You start to wonder if they died or were in an accident. To suddenly disappear? In my case the effort was made by the other person to come and see me so I just waited... And waited. Took the day off of work which no one can really afford now a days. Extremely inconsiderate. That's what was mind boggling. You can ghost... That's great. Farewell. But don't come and make plans. That's uncalled for.
alphamale Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 the faster a "relationship" starts, the faster it ends...for god sakes TAKE YOUR TIME
SomethingToSay Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 because no matter what you say it will be taken the wrong way. So? At least you will be doing right by yourself. Or is that not something you value? And you arent a fortune teller. You dont know how it will be taken. All Im saying is why not be a person of integrity who respects others and at least sends a breakup text? Is that so difficult? Just legit trying to understand
Author kittyxo Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 I think you dodged a bullet. He's not a forever man. Have you slept with him yet? Thank god no. The furthest I went with him was making out..
Author kittyxo Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 Kittyxo, I sympathize with you and the situation that you're in as I find myself in your exact same shoes. I came to LS for advice and have been following the NC guidelines which have helped immensely. It's going on 3 weeks since we last spoke and since he initiated plans to spend time with me only to leave me hanging with no follow up. Left wondering just like you. I've felt disappointed, foolish, hurt, disrespected and now angry. I did send a "closure" message maintaining a non confrontational tone. Didn't ask "why"... Just stated facts. Gave him a piece of my mind in a respectful way. Don't know if he read it. He never responded. After rushing to be such a gentleman he proved to be quite the opposite. I wish I could pinpoint a reason that lead to this scenario unfortunately there doesn't seem to be an explanation when dealing with flakey people such as these. Let this serve as a learning experience for you and be thankful that you didn't dedicate more into something that was going no where with an someone who lacks courtesy and loyalty. Keep busy, block him from everything, don't check up on him and remember that if he was truly into you, you wouldn't be left guessing of his intentions. Best of luck and stay positive. You rid yourself of bad company/vibes. Karma will get him. Hugs! Thank you very much for the positive reply! Much like your ex, my guy was rushing to prove to me he wasn't like any other guy. He even went as far as to look me in the eye and tell me he wouldn't play me and this wasn't a fling. I definitely learnt a lot from this experience. I think I put way too much trust into someone when I meet them. I know that when people meet me they say they feel really comfortable with me and open with me, but maybe some times it backfires.
Author kittyxo Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 So? At least you will be doing right by yourself. Or is that not something you value? And you arent a fortune teller. You dont know how it will be taken. All Im saying is why not be a person of integrity who respects others and at least sends a breakup text? Is that so difficult? Just legit trying to understand I agree. This guy wasn't shy to tell me that he liked me and he wanted to have children with me one day lol He even told me that I'm a strong woman and that I can handle my fair share of negativity, so why not just send me a simple text rather than ignoring me. I legit thought something serious happened to him..
Author kittyxo Posted April 28, 2016 Author Posted April 28, 2016 Sorry to hear he ghosted on you but to answer your question. One of the main factors why people "ghost" is its easier to just fade to grey than write up or text a rejection to say you are no longer interested. I was that guy who ghosted on a couple of girls. However this is in my younger years and I learned its better to say your no longer interested than let someone hang on. Think about it. When was the last time you wrote or called some to say your not interested? Hard to think up of something? Sure! This is why people ghost. Thats true
Saracena Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 you can't do anything about people losing interest....I 'ghosted' many women after 3 or 4 months of dating because I either lost interest or they pissed me off in some fashion. How exactly? Doing this after 3 or 4 months isn't at all acceptable IMO.
Handsome Librarian Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 They think it may spare another's feelings on the break up which it doesn't. They may also be the type to avoid responsibility and are really sparing themselves the guilt and their own feelings. In some instances they may think the other will not let them go.
stillafool Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 Why not just give them a breakup text or call? Why do you "ghost"? Its very distressful for the person on the receiving end of it. Because if they do that there will be questions involved and they don't want to answer any questions they just want it to be over.
Toodaloo Posted April 28, 2016 Posted April 28, 2016 How do I deal with this? You toughen up and change your attitude. Do you really want to waste time on a guy who can't be bothered to have th common decency to say good bye? Do you really want to date someone unreliable and flakey? Do you want to get 7 years down the line only for them to go and find something else that looks better on the other side of the fence? I bet you answered no to all this so tell me why are you bothering to fret over a guy who simply isn't worth it? I know it hurts and it takes a while to learn the signs but soon enough you will be able to read when people are going to do this - those that rush things are the worst for it by the way... Always always go by a persons actions and not their words. This guy is not what he said he was... Change your thinking so its easier to accept that. Then when you meet the next one (because you will - there are loads of men and women who do this out there) you will be able to cope better with it.
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