Gregjackson Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 It's quite a long story, I'll try to keep it as short as possible but I really need some help dissecting this.. I was in a relationship with my ex girlfriend, she was a couple of years younger than me and I was also her first real relationship + I took her virginity. Everything was amazing for some time, but after about a little over a year and 1/2, I felt I had to break up with her because she got very lazy and I could never get her to do stuff with me (dates and stuff), all she wanted was to watch TV, I told her how it bothered me and she didnt do anything to change after my warning signs.. She was obviously very heartbroken and convinced me to get back together after many phone calls/texts etc the preceeding week like things were gonna get better. We were good for some time, but we progressively started falling back into the same pattern where she said no to almost every request, she would barely even go to the store to buy food with me, so I did most of that alone while she was home watching TV waiting for me. Sex lost it's appeal after a while too and it was very hard to get her to orgasm, if not impossible at times. So we had sex less and less frequently. I really felt taken for granted at this point, and I ended up kissing another girl while I was drunk (which was very stupid of me indeed), nothing more happend but when my ex found out she took it really bad, and that's understandable. So things got even worse for the next months, despite the fact that all I did was trying to make it up to her, I made serious things to try to make it right, example, I would cut out all contact with my female friends, stopped going out to parties etc, I almost gave up my entire social life for it, this went on for almost a year. She was worse than ever now, would never do anything with me and just sit and watch tv.. So now, she ended up breaking up with me, her reasons were that she was unhappy. despite all my efforts, and I've made many attempts to get her back since and gain her trust, but after continous discouragement from her we went No contact for some weeks (felt like releif honestly)- I then found another girl, and we started hanging out etc. When my ex found out through mutual friends, she contacted me again, gave me hell and said so many mean things it was unbelivable (like how she hoped that I had to die alone and very mean stuff). I dont exactly know how, but after all this we ended up deciding that we were gonna try to sort everything out, so we have stayed in touch and had sex on numerous occassions (sex life was better now, but no relationship). It really got my hopes up, but she didnt want me to tell anyone we were seeing eachother (which puzzled me a little bit), but all she has done lately is hurt me, breaking appointments to meet up, all of a sudden stopping iniatiating contact, not been wanting to speak on the phone etc. If I ask her whats bothering her or why she seems to want me to leave her alone, she refuses to answer and just ignore my questions completely. I know this isnt healthy for me, but after these soon 4 years I just feel so addicted to her, despite how badly she treats me.. Is it possible that everything she has done lately after initiating contact has been to take some kind of "revenge" and try to hurt me? I'm so confused and she doesnt want to give me any reasons or answers to any of my questions at all.. I feel like I need some closure, but I can't get it from her because she she refuses to answer anything regarding it.. It feels really bad, like I'm so confused, lost and alone.. Maybe someone more experienced can give me some tips. Thanks for reading this if you did.
CarrieT Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 Her silence and non-ability to communicate should be your closure. "Closure" of a failed relationship comes from within and the knowledge that you have done the best you can and it still doesn't work - not from someone else.... 4
Satu Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 As Carrie said, closure comes from within. There are always questions that could be asked, but closure is born out of acceptance and letting go. Turn your attention to yourself and make your own wellbeing you sole focus. Take care. 1
stillafool Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 You are the only one who can give you closure and you are loaded with reasons to close this relationship. First off, stop chasing after this lazy woman. She has you wrapped around her little finger and she knows it. If you want a response from her go strict NC. If she did go back with you at this point she will basically have her foot on your neck because you are placing it there. Man up and let her know you won't put up with her. Women hate weak men. 1
keiji Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 (edited) Could be a revenge. Perhaps she holds a grudge for the kissing episode you mentioned, who knows. In any event, I think your closure will come when you evaluate whether you want to share your time with someone whose life basically revolves around a TV set or not. Is that what you really want? I'm assuming you're both very young. Can you imagine her level of activity when she's 40? Does she find anything exciting other than flipping channels? Seems like you do. She sounds like a dead weight, if you ask me. Also, I think that you made a mistake by cutting contact with your friends as a sign of remorse. It was wrong to kiss that girl for sure, and your ex-g's trust in you was probably shattered, but you were sending the message "I'll do what you want from now on". I'll go with everyone's advice: go NC and leave her behind. Edited April 25, 2016 by keiji 1
Zahara Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 I know this isnt healthy for me, but after these soon 4 years I just feel so addicted to her, despite how badly she treats me.. Is it possible that everything she has done lately after initiating contact has been to take some kind of "revenge" and try to hurt me? I'm so confused and she doesnt want to give me any reasons or answers to any of my questions at all.. I feel like I need some closure, but I can't get it from her because she she refuses to answer anything regarding it.. It feels really bad, like I'm so confused, lost and alone.. Maybe someone more experienced can give me some tips. Thanks for reading this if you did. Exactly -- it is an addiction and the only way to break it is to let go. Closure does not come from her. It comes from you accepting this relationship is broken and that it was never fulfilling you. Closure comes for you choosing not to be mistreated anymore. Nothing she can say will change the fact that this relationship was dead a long time ago and that you need to move on. Stop chasing her. It was a toxic relationship and the best thing for you to do now is to go no contact. 2
gimlynick Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 I feel sorry for you man! You will move on. You sound like a social person, so one day, when you are ready for it, you'll find love again. Now try to make your head clear. Go do some sports. I understand that it's hard to leave someone with whom you thought you'd spent the rest of your life with, but I guess she needs more life experience before clinging onto someone. I believe that people like you ( and me ), who come out of a relation without fights and from who one or both persons still needs to explore a lot to gain some life experience, can get back together one day. I believe that you can fall back in love with someone if you wait long enough untill the old emotions are allmost fade away. The question is that on that moment, years from now, you still want your old love back. Try to move on. Go do some stuff with friends and get in top shape. Good luck buddy 1
Satu Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 You are the only one who can give you closure and you are loaded with reasons to close this relationship. First off, stop chasing after this lazy woman. She has you wrapped around her little finger and she knows it. If you want a response from her go strict NC. If she did go back with you at this point she will basically have her foot on your neck because you are placing it there. Man up and let her know you won't put up with her. Women hate weak men. True. "When men are weak, women fall. - Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet. 1
Author Gregjackson Posted April 26, 2016 Author Posted April 26, 2016 She had an operation yesterday, and the night before that, the night of making this post I told her good luck with her operation (it was just a removal of the tonsils) but still. The day of the surgery I had planned to send her a text asking how she was doing sometime in the afternoon, but she beat me to it and sent me "Thanks for wishing me luck with my operation today! (as a note I already did that last evening with no reply), and thanks a ****ing bunch for sending me a text after wondering how I'm doing. ****ing thanks. You dont give a **** about me, and this proves it. So just stay away from me!!" I replied to her, telling her I was planning on talking to her but since I didnt know when the surgery was, I was waiting so I was sure she was home at the time, and that I hate the fact that we have been fighting lately etc and that I'm sorry for my part of it (even tho it's honestly been all hers, because we had planned to meet up this weekend but she had to cancel all three days....) and that I'm hoping we can fix things, and that I care a lot about her, and ended it all with "How do you feel?" I havent gotten any reply yet (and this happend mid day, yesterday), I'm wondering what the hell is going on, because all I've done is trying to care for her, but she clearly doesnt take it this way.. Anyway I feel very tempted to send her another text today, but I have doubts she would even reply.. What is the best course of action I can take her? Should I just leave her alone or should I try to keep convincing her that I do care (because it should be very obvious that I do, but somehow shes doing everything to make it out like I dont...) Please help..
keiji Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 So she doesn't want to be with you but thinks you should be worrying about her 24/7? I can smell the selfishness from here. You did what a reasonable and kind ex-partner would do, and still she's demanding you to behave like her boyfriend. I mean, it's not a life-threatening operation anyway. My father has cancer and I'm not expecting my ex-girlfriend, who was the dumper, to ask me how he's doing. She chose to part ways and therefore I don't need any phony messages from her. Why should you act differently? If you feel the urge to write her, tell her she's been totally unfair, wish her the best and block her immediately. At least that's what I would do.
Densel Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 She sounds like a drama queen. She definitely wants your attention. What kind of attention? Means you must be one begging for another chance. Then she will keep on throwing tantrums. Very immature on her part. I suggest you dissappear from her totally or tell her straight "talk to me only when you are in a stable mood"
Zahara Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 (edited) Round 1 A little over a year and 1/2, I felt I had to break up with her because: - she got very lazy and I could never get her to do stuff with me (dates and stuff), - all she wanted was to watch TV, - I told her how it bothered me and she didnt do anything to change after my warning signs Round 2 She was obviously very heartbroken and convinced me to get back together after many phone calls/texts etc the preceeding week like things were gonna get better. We were good for some time, - but we progressively started falling back into the same pattern where she said no to almost every request, - she would barely even go to the store to buy food with me, - so I did most of that alone while she was home watching TV waiting for me. - Sex lost it's appeal after a while too and it was very hard to get her to orgasm, if not impossible at times. - So we had sex less and less frequently. - I really felt taken for granted at this point Round 3 Then you cheated: - So things got even worse for the next months, despite the fact that all I did was trying to make it up to her - I would cut out all contact with my female friends - stopped going out to parties etc - I almost gave up my entire social life for it, this went on for almost a year. - She was worse than ever now, would never do anything with me and just sit and watch tv.. You're trying to get back with her not because you love her or that you can't imagine letting go of a happy and fulfilling relationship. You are trying to get her back with her because you are co-dependent. You'll stay in a bad situation and tolerate mistreatment because your self-esteem is so low that you'll stay with anyone just to have someone. You'll bend over backwards no matter how badly she treats you just for some bits of validation. Your behavior is unattractive. She gets a kick out of emasculating you. You come off weak and submissive so she takes advantage of that because it garners her attention and an ego boost. You are addicted to her. There is no love here but just a toxic attachment. You broke up with her and even cheated on her because you were so unhappy -- so what are you wanting to go back to? Step back and reflect on your motives and what's really driving you so crazy to get back with her. Cold turkey NC. Edited April 26, 2016 by Zahara 2
Simon Phoenix Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 She had an operation yesterday, and the night before that, the night of making this post I told her good luck with her operation (it was just a removal of the tonsils) but still. The day of the surgery I had planned to send her a text asking how she was doing sometime in the afternoon, but she beat me to it and sent me "Thanks for wishing me luck with my operation today! (as a note I already did that last evening with no reply), and thanks a ****ing bunch for sending me a text after wondering how I'm doing. ****ing thanks. You dont give a **** about me, and this proves it. So just stay away from me!!" I replied to her, telling her I was planning on talking to her but since I didnt know when the surgery was, I was waiting so I was sure she was home at the time, and that I hate the fact that we have been fighting lately etc and that I'm sorry for my part of it (even tho it's honestly been all hers, because we had planned to meet up this weekend but she had to cancel all three days....) and that I'm hoping we can fix things, and that I care a lot about her, and ended it all with "How do you feel?" I havent gotten any reply yet (and this happend mid day, yesterday), I'm wondering what the hell is going on, because all I've done is trying to care for her, but she clearly doesnt take it this way.. Anyway I feel very tempted to send her another text today, but I have doubts she would even reply.. What is the best course of action I can take her? Should I just leave her alone or should I try to keep convincing her that I do care (because it should be very obvious that I do, but somehow shes doing everything to make it out like I dont...) Please help.. Stop being a spineless wuss and sucking up to her. She knows you're weak and she's screwing with you because you can. Stop sending her texts, block her, go No Contact and get your dignity back. Good god man.
Author Gregjackson Posted April 26, 2016 Author Posted April 26, 2016 You guys are absolutely right, I honestly didn't see it before but I was coming off weak and desperate and that's pretty much the way I feel too. I guess I'm just gonna have to go back to working my self and becoming more or less independent rather than co-dependent (thanks zahara, you really opened my eyes to this).. The thing is I have had trouble with abandonment ever since childhood, my father was a heavy drug addict and dissapeared from my life at a very early age so it's been rough dealing with these kind of things growing up (new role models always leaving the picture after some time aswell). I have improved myself a lot, but through this relationship I can easily say I've taken many many steps back and have to start all over again being happy on my own and facing my own problems. What I just don't understand is how she could be so mean and cold, and framing everything as if I'm the one not caring, when it very blantantly is her who is not.. Her whole argument has been that I'm not fighting for her, and when I do (and come across needy), how can she be so cruel? Or is it just human nature to poke at the weakness of others? I have decided I will not reply to her text, and try moving on with my life and getting back to the basics. But still deep inside I have this weird feeling of wanting to get "even" after this, like sending her a text or something and telling her how i REALLY feel and how most of the troubles in our relationship etc has been her fault and stuff like this - But I dont know if that's the right thing to do either, all I really want is to move on, forget about it and focus on myself now.. I'm guessing no contact is the way to go? no need to send her anything as like a "goodbye" or anything? Thanks for reading these posts it helps me alot
Zahara Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 The thing is I have had trouble with abandonment ever since childhood, my father was a heavy drug addict and dissapeared from my life at a very early age so it's been rough dealing with these kind of things growing up (new role models always leaving the picture after some time aswell). I have improved myself a lot, but through this relationship I can easily say I've taken many many steps back and have to start all over again being happy on my own and facing my own problems. The good thing is that you realize where these feelings of anxiety and desperation are coming from -- so you know this isn't about her but just your issues from dealing with your fear of abandonment. You have to manage those feelings on your own rather than seeking her out to make those feelings go away. What I just don't understand is how she could be so mean and cold, and framing everything as if I'm the one not caring, when it very blantantly is her who is not.. Her whole argument has been that I'm not fighting for her, and when I do (and come across needy), how can she be so cruel? Or is it just human nature to poke at the weakness of others? It would be in your best interest to focus on your own issues rather than trying to wrap your head around her dysfunction. The last thing you should be doing especially when you're struggling with abandonment is engaging with someone that only triggers and contributes to those fears inside you. I have decided I will not reply to her text, and try moving on with my life and getting back to the basics. But still deep inside I have this weird feeling of wanting to get "even" after this, like sending her a text or something and telling her how i REALLY feel and how most of the troubles in our relationship etc has been her fault and stuff like this - But I dont know if that's the right thing to do either, all I really want is to move on, forget about it and focus on myself now.. 1) I'm guessing no contact is the way to go? 2)no need to send her anything as like a "goodbye" or anything? Thanks for reading these posts it helps me alot Unfortunately, history has shown you that contact has only left you feeling bad about yourself and it certainly has shown you that it hasn't gotten you anywhere. Bold - 1) Yes, no contact and BLOCK 2) If I were next to you, I'd knock you over the head -- haven't you had enough of a tongue lashing from her?
Simon Phoenix Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 You guys are absolutely right, I honestly didn't see it before but I was coming off weak and desperate and that's pretty much the way I feel too. I guess I'm just gonna have to go back to working my self and becoming more or less independent rather than co-dependent (thanks zahara, you really opened my eyes to this).. The thing is I have had trouble with abandonment ever since childhood, my father was a heavy drug addict and dissapeared from my life at a very early age so it's been rough dealing with these kind of things growing up (new role models always leaving the picture after some time aswell). I have improved myself a lot, but through this relationship I can easily say I've taken many many steps back and have to start all over again being happy on my own and facing my own problems. What I just don't understand is how she could be so mean and cold, and framing everything as if I'm the one not caring, when it very blantantly is her who is not.. Her whole argument has been that I'm not fighting for her, and when I do (and come across needy), how can she be so cruel? Or is it just human nature to poke at the weakness of others? I have decided I will not reply to her text, and try moving on with my life and getting back to the basics. But still deep inside I have this weird feeling of wanting to get "even" after this, like sending her a text or something and telling her how i REALLY feel and how most of the troubles in our relationship etc has been her fault and stuff like this - But I dont know if that's the right thing to do either, all I really want is to move on, forget about it and focus on myself now.. I'm guessing no contact is the way to go? no need to send her anything as like a "goodbye" or anything? Thanks for reading these posts it helps me alot You can't get even because she doesn't give a crap what you think and how you feel. Anything you send will come off as whiny or petty to her and she'll light you up against and make you feel worse than you are feeling right now. You've contacted her too much as it is. No lame "goodbye", just peace out silently.
Author Gregjackson Posted April 27, 2016 Author Posted April 27, 2016 She contacted me on Skype today, no words, just a picture of inside her mouth of her tonsils removed, and it's the most gross thing I think I have ever seen in my life (almost puked). I would post it but I think it might actually have got me banned so I'll save you that.. Anyway I've been strong to keep away from her these past days (with your help which I'm forever greatful), and funny thing she came around posting that picture soon enough, I'm not sure what she wants exactly because it does not answer ANY of my previous unanswered texts to her regarding me, her and the events that have unfolded the past week. Should I comment something back to her? Or just leave it alone? I feel strongly I should reply (maybe even sympathize for her) but then again it might just be my emotions and desperation running wild again.. This girl is so confusing, and I expect if I dont reply it wont take long before she says something like "You really dont care, turns out I was right about you" bla bla.. I'm just so tired of all of this.. Every time she comes around I get my hopes up, but so far it's only left me feeling sad so far and I'm wondering if this time will be different... Any suggestion I will appreciate and try to pass along in kind to someone else at one point.
Zahara Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 (edited) Leave it alone. The objective of you being on NC is to detach from her and this relationship so that you can move on. This relationship is broken and done. Nothing more, nothing less. I mentioned this to you -- if you have a fear of abandonment, the last thing you should be doing is engaging or being accessible to someone that triggers those fears in you. It's toxic and unhealthy. She's dysfunctional herself. If you want to heal from this -- YOU NEED TO BLOCK AND STAY NC. I'm not sure what you're hoping to achieve by staying in contact. And no, it won't be different this time. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. There is no point in posting for advice if you're going to keep running in circles. The advice will always be the same -- stay NC. No one can help if you refuse to help yourself. Edited April 27, 2016 by Zahara 1
Simon Phoenix Posted April 27, 2016 Posted April 27, 2016 She contacted me on Skype today, no words, just a picture of inside her mouth of her tonsils removed, and it's the most gross thing I think I have ever seen in my life (almost puked). I would post it but I think it might actually have got me banned so I'll save you that.. Anyway I've been strong to keep away from her these past days (with your help which I'm forever greatful), and funny thing she came around posting that picture soon enough, I'm not sure what she wants exactly because it does not answer ANY of my previous unanswered texts to her regarding me, her and the events that have unfolded the past week. Should I comment something back to her? Or just leave it alone? I feel strongly I should reply (maybe even sympathize for her) but then again it might just be my emotions and desperation running wild again.. This girl is so confusing, and I expect if I dont reply it wont take long before she says something like "You really dont care, turns out I was right about you" bla bla.. I'm just so tired of all of this.. Every time she comes around I get my hopes up, but so far it's only left me feeling sad so far and I'm wondering if this time will be different... Any suggestion I will appreciate and try to pass along in kind to someone else at one point. Block her so she can't contact you. Whatever you do, stop being a spineless wuss and sending stuff to her. But you need to block her on all forms of communication.
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