Does anyone worry that spending time on LS triggers memories of bad decisions?

[MightyPen]

I've been NC with my former "friend"/EA partner for over two months with absolutely no deviations from the standard NC advice.

 

My brain is finally getting unfrazzled. I feel like I'm in a better place. I rarely think about her during my normal day, but obviously when I sign onto LS, I immediately think about her because she was the reason I created an account here in the first place.

 

So now I'm wondering whether or not continuing to dwell/discuss/ponder my previous bad decision is a healthy thing, or it it would be more constructive to shed LS just as I've shed her, and try to put this entire chapter behind me.

 

Any thoughts on this? Has anyone has similar concerns? Did you feel that LS folks continued to help you walk the straight and narrow, or was this environment more of a constant reminder about someone you were trying to forget?

[Got it]

Depends on whether or not you are white knuckling it and trying to just compartmentalize it away or actually done and moved on.

 

Are you feeling a need to continuously rehash it here? Why not discuss other topics instead?

[MightyPen]

No I'm done with her...totally moved on. I haven't mentioned heron any LS thread for over a month, I believe. Probably longer.

 

And yeah I do discuss other topics: fitness goals, a little politics, and I guess I contribute to a new relationship thread on occasion.

 

I guess it's because I joined LS -because- of her that my brain can't help but lump the two together to some extent.

 

And I hope the baby is doing well.

[Alamo657]

I m with you on this one. One should stay clear of LS while healing because all the break up stories drag you back.

[Emilia]

Can be. I think it's healthy to take a break every now and then.

[PegNosePete]

Not at all. It reminds me of how much I have changed since I first landed here.

[RecentChange]

I have had the same thoughts.....

 

Totally NC with my "affair partner" for - oh, almost 3 months now. LS is kinda my last tie to the whole debacle - and my "last secret".

 

Sometimes I think it would be better if I step away, other times I do actually find info here helpful. I have to say I am VERY glad I had read expensively on here about D days etc - as I did end up having one - but I think it went much better than I had ever expected because I had read about ways to lessen the damage / be supportive etc.

[carhill]

Considering the time spent and involvement volunteered, I'd say, if anything, being on LS has solidified and reinforced decisions made and validated the choices my exW and I made to get a D, the original milieu which brought me here. I'm thankful to count myself among those who don't hate their exes and that lack of emotional content has a lot of value and LS is largely responsible for it.

 

Are some topics still triggers? Sure. Life is like that. Real life experiences can be triggers too. They get dealt with and life goes on.

[Bittersweetie]

I'm with Peg. I can see in many newer posters the things I felt and thought when I was in my A. When I am here I see how much I have changed. I only post or share if I think it will benefit someone, help someone make their own positive changes, not to rehash or pine away. I am long, long past that. It just takes time...you are still relatively new to the NC thing.

[BikerAccnt]

 

Any thoughts on this? Has anyone has similar concerns? Did you feel that LS folks continued to help you walk the straight and narrow, or was this environment more of a constant reminder about someone you were trying to forget?

 

Oh definitely. I like LS and the warm community of folk here, but I often think my coming here prolongs the pain/problems; simply by making them a focus of my activity rather than something else.

 

 

There's something to be said about forgetting things that have happened in one's past, and moving past them. The internet makes that almost impossible these days. Sometimes I think talking constantly about problems, keeps them in the fore.

 

 

I remember back in the day...when there was only the telephone and postal mail (no blogs, forums, etc) . When you split up, you were done. No daily, hourly reminders, no "stalking" someone electronically - any stalking you did would wind you in jail - and the ability to actually forget something.

 

 

Sometimes I miss those days...

[Gloria25]

Umm, nah...

 

I'm into my current guy. Posting on here doesn't make me think of my neighbor.

 

I haven't posted in a few days cuz I'm getting busy again and, kinda feel guarded about posting about my current guy. There's a few things I would like to post related to him, but after drama with neighbor, would hate to post and my current guy would run across it here.

 

Also, with my neighbor snooping on here, again, what I have going on with my current guy is something I kinda wanna keep private....you do that with certain people who you are seeing. You don't wanna post your business out there. It would be different if I didn't have neighbor snooping and/or me scared that current guy may see me on here.

 

But nah, before my current guy, yes coming to LS would only make me think of neighbor cuz of him posting something and/or someone posting something that would get my attention. But, even then, I was mostly angry and miserable. Not like reminiscing or anything positive.

 

But, I really like my current guy and all I am thinking about is how I can continue seeing him and coming to LS isn't changing that.

[Shanex]

I was a celibate when registering on LS last fall so no. It doesn't make me think about all the crazy exes I've been through.

 

However I read a lot of here and there and been there done that post. I mean I see younger people making the same mistake I made a while ago.

 

Oh I'm not that old and I've known OLD since I reached adulthood.

 

OP, your point is correct, but it doesn't necessary applies to memories from an ex specifically. More like mistakes we have all done before or just bad decisions that we might regret now.

[Got it]

No I'm done with her...totally moved on. I haven't mentioned heron any LS thread for over a month, I believe. Probably longer.

 

And yeah I do discuss other topics: fitness goals, a little politics, and I guess I contribute to a new relationship thread on occasion.

 

I guess it's because I joined LS -because- of her that my brain can't help but lump the two together to some extent.

 

And I hope the baby is doing well.

 

Maybe take a break then. I have ebb and flowed here as well so nothing wrong with it. I came here because of my affair and for awhile that did shadow things. But now, while I do discuss it at times, I have moved past it and jump on other topics of interest.

 

Yes, the baby is doing well, thank you! Just learned to roll over and growing like a weed. Sleep is something she doesn't think is worth wasting time on so we are tag teaming night coverage and have two very sleep deprived people. Nothing has tested us as a couple more than this little joy. But it has also made us stronger and while we get annoyed with each other, I can say I couldn't ask for a better partner or husband. He is so devoted to her and to her care and well being. He gives at least 50% and no matter how tired always becomes a bundle of goo when she smiles at him. I can't say I have rolled with it as well but he is a great example to live up to.

 

I am blessed to have a man who is such an amazing husband and father. Hopefully I tell him that enough.

[MightyPen]

Awww that is awesome to hear about the little one. I remember those sleep deprived nights well. As you've already shared, getting through those is tough but then after you weather that storm, you realize, "Hey if we can get through THAT, we can get through all sorts of things."

 

Yeah I think I'll take a break for a few weeks and see how it goes.

 

And as someone else mentioned, yes the people here are pretty great and generally so well-spoken (typen?) and thoughtful. There's a lot to like here.

[serial muse]

Umm, nah...

 

I'm into my current guy. Posting on here doesn't make me think of my neighbor.

 

I haven't posted in a few days cuz I'm getting busy again and, kinda feel guarded about posting about my current guy. There's a few things I would like to post related to him, but after drama with neighbor, would hate to post and my current guy would run across it here.

 

Also, with my neighbor snooping on here, again, what I have going on with my current guy is something I kinda wanna keep private....you do that with certain people who you are seeing. You don't wanna post your business out there. It would be different if I didn't have neighbor snooping and/or me scared that current guy may see me on here.

 

But nah, before my current guy, yes coming to LS would only make me think of neighbor cuz of him posting something and/or someone posting something that would get my attention. But, even then, I was mostly angry and miserable. Not like reminiscing or anything positive.

 

But, I really like my current guy and all I am thinking about is how I can continue seeing him and coming to LS isn't changing that.

 

Hm, in general I think it's better not to tell prospective dates about LS; sometimes you need the firewall.

[carhill]

I'm thankful to count myself among those who don't hate their exes and that lack of emotional content has a lot of value and LS is largely responsible for it.

 

Heh, timely post. ExW e-mailed me last night that she's having to put down the kitty we had during our dating years and M due to health issues. My response, internally, was to remember all the good times we had with that cat during our M. Good fortune to have such memories in life. No triggers and no regrets over decisions made. Thanks LS.

[dichotomy]

I took a break for several months from Love Shack - as reading about other peoples pain with betrayals and low/no sex marriages was triggering me and making me upset.

 

I may need to take another break as I feel it is happening again. However there are other discussions that take place that I feel has helped me grown and expand my understandings of sex and relationships. So its a mixed bag.

[serial muse]

I've taken breaks over the years, since I came here more than a decade ago after the dissolution of my marriage due to exH's cheating. I used to spend a lot of time in the infidelity forums, but over time I guess I was less and less interested, and now only rarely pop in there and haven't really got any emotion about it anymore.

 

I'd say that I found LS alternately triggering and soothing. When I felt triggered and overwhelmed, I went away. Later, after some time had passed, I would come back. After a while, I began to realize that the intensity of the feelings that first brought me here had faded and weren't coming back whenever I visited. Hooray for time healing all wounds.

[Gloria25]

Hm, in general I think it's better not to tell prospective dates about LS; sometimes you need the firewall.

 

Noooo, I don't tell prospective and/or ongoing dates about LS and/or any site that I'm on. I had no idea my neighbor was on here until the weird stuff started going down. I pray my current guy isn't on here and/or on any other site I've been on.

[dreamingoftigers]

I took a break for several months from Love Shack - as reading about other peoples pain with betrayals and low/no sex marriages was triggering me and making me upset.

 

I may need to take another break as I feel it is happening again. However there are other discussions that take place that I feel has helped me grown and expand my understandings of sex and relationships. So its a mixed bag.

 

I find LS to be triggering if I am ignoring something in my life or relationship.

 

In the case above, I've sure been there. That's why I keep on things until either they give way or change.

 

LS reminds me not to slip back to a place where I am just "hoping or waiting" for things to get better.

 

Everyday LS reminds me to value my relationship, but also to keep my head held high because for so long I was a weeping mess over my marriage.

 

I also notice that I've been through quite a few things, and quite a few of those things weren't my fault or what I signed up for. Many were childhood and early relationship things. That being said, I've been able to sort out that those were things that HAPPENED to me, not things that I need to carry around the stigma of.

 

Conversely, my own relationship choices and mistakes were MY OWN and I am accountable for them. I can move forward and do better in the future. But not go around thinking I'm all "superior" or whatever because I figured out how not to be as much of a jerk or doormat at some point in time.

 

So many relationships run in the same circles that they pretty much become patterns after awhile. Once you see the patterns, you can see either the healthy choices or the dysfunction. I think I'm much more healthy than I was when I first came here. As soon as I feel secure enough in my M OR we end up divorcing and I resolve those feelings, I'll probably move on to other things. Until then, this place has been my primary support.

[alphamale]

life in general triggers memories of bad decisions

[Got it]

Awww that is awesome to hear about the little one. I remember those sleep deprived nights well. As you've already shared, getting through those is tough but then after you weather that storm, you realize, "Hey if we can get through THAT, we can get through all sorts of things."

 

Yeah I think I'll take a break for a few weeks and see how it goes.

 

And as someone else mentioned, yes the people here are pretty great and generally so well-spoken (typen?) and thoughtful. There's a lot to like here.

 

Mighty, have a blast away from here, enjoy the warmer weather, and enjoy the sleep you are getting!!! (I am soooo envious of that right now!).

 

LS will be here when you get back and always ready for a new topic to discuss. Enjoy your time and hope you and your family are doing well.

[MightyPen]

Well, I've had a blast (well, a moderate blast), and I've enjoyed the weather, and I guess my posting this means my break is over.

 

I've realized this is a very cool online "home base" for thoughtful folks, and it's hard to find a place like that.

 

So the Mighty Penis back!

 

Oops I missed a space up there.

[Redhead14]

It is certainly possible for posters to be triggered by reading this boards especially if they've experienced an emotional trauma like a break up, etc.

 

However, it can also be a gauge for the poster to know "where" they are in their recovery. In other words, if some time has passed and they come here and read something and they feel triggered, they know they aren't past it yet. In which case, they should refrain from coming here for a bit longer.

 

I also think that reading some of these posts and scenarios plants unnecessary seeds for people who are dating nowadays. In other words, people are reading about the experiences of others in certain scenarios, and will project what they've read here into their own situations and not focusing on what's in front of them and using their own logic and intuition to evaluate their own situation. It seems to me that sometimes people will bail very quickly from a situation because of what they've read here. While it is true that there are some common indicators/predictors, sometimes they are applied prematurely. And, sometimes, that's done anyway because the person simply has some kind of fear anyway and is looking for a way out before it gets to close.

 

I think people need to sit back, relax and observe objectively for themselves for a bit before coming here to get analysis/advice.