Boyfriend or my future?

[KeepMeAlways]

Hello all, ill start out with a thank you if you make it through this whole post. Ill start off with a short backstory to this.

 

I have no family, they all live out of state and most are on drugs. I have no friends,im awkward and have a hard time opening up to people cause i have a really messed up childhood that brings me into depressions a lot. I went to a psychologist she thought thought i have ptsd but had to switch me to another doc, i didnt feel like going though it all again so i didnt go again.

 

3 years ago i broke up with my ex for my new guy we'll call Zel. My ex told me if i continued to see zel he wouldnt help with the kids at all, so i hid the relationship but still stayed split from my ex but still living in the same house. My ex found out took me into a room and brought out a gun and a whole mess went down resulting in a felony for him.

 

Through the whole mess of the 3 years, the start Zel told me he didnt want a serious relationship because his ex screwed him over. I said that was fine but slowly fell for zel. he would never tell me he loved me for a year and a half of the relationship. then later i find out he was actually messaging other girls. He took one out on a date and sexted her but nothing physical. It hurt a lot but i took him back.

 

We both work low pay jobs. I had no family or reliable babysitters, about to lose my job due to call ins because of not being able to find a sitter and working third shift. I agreed with my ex that he could take the kids with him to his mothers which was many states away. I dont get to see my kids often because of the expensive cost to drive there or expensive cost of daycares in my area to put them in.

 

My boyfriend zel decided he wanted to do video game streams for a living/life goal. It brings him a lot of joy and through the past couple years he's tried to kill himself twice while with me. he has severe clinical depression, which he should take medication for but doesnt most of the time. But since he started streaming the games he's been much happier and actually has a goal in life, which he didnt have before.

 

But im feeling the burden of him working less. I feel lost without my kids and everything seems so dry. I resent him a lot for chasing after his dream job while i miss the best years of my kids life because i cant afford it without him. I've explained it too him man times and he either does one of two things, says we'll get the kids back and make things work and agrees with me that we should have the kids here or he will get depressive/mopey and strangle himself to sleep.

 

When he's not depressive and moody he's an awesome guy. Great with the kids, treats me well. but i feel like in his depressive state he isnt a good influence on the kids, nor something i want them to be around. I've tried to leave him twice both times he attempted suicide.

 

I dont really know what i can do.... If i leave him i cant support myself and the kids and he'll kill himself. If i stay ill feel unhappy being in a relationship with constant feel of him offing himself, with a possible horrible impact on my kids if he does.

 

Any and all advice is welcome, please dont bash/negative comments that have no help included.

[d0nnivain]

Your BF is engaging in emotional blackmail by saying he'll kill himself if you break up with him. His decisions are not your responsibility.

 

 

Can he do this video game thing from anywhere? I assume so.

 

 

You need to move to where your kids are so you can have regular visitation with them. You made the right choice letting them live with your EX-MIL but you still have to be in their lives because being apart is making you miserable.

 

 

The job & the life you have now isn't working for you so make some positive changes.

[smackie9]

I agree....whatever choices he makes, like to end his life, is not your responsibility. You need to find a healthier environment for you and your kids. If you are struggling financially, contact social services and they will be able to find you some help, like low income housing, food stamps, etc. Right now you are just making excuses to stay. Time to irradiate these negative people from your life because they are the reason you are where you are....going nowhere.

[KeepMeAlways]

Thank you for the replies guys. I do have a bit more of an issue.

 

I just recently bought a house last year, he's not on the loan but if i sold the house i would be massively in debt if i could sell it since a number of things have gone wrong with it since i bought it.

 

I dont like government help because it requires me to talk about my problems with real life people which i dont do well with. When i open up in real life i tend to break down and cry to the point where i cant breathe and my face and hands go numb. I also feel like a failure accepting help from others, which leads to more break downs.

 

I did once get in contact with irish based home services, they sent a nice lady out who i talked to and explained what all was going on. she gave me a number to call for the town trustee and said he would give me money for my rent since i couldnt work having just giving birth to my second child. She also gave me the number for free daycare. I called the daycare voucher people and they said i couldnt apply until i was actually working again, but i couldnt go back to work because i had no babysitter and i explained this to them and they told me touch luck pretty much. Then also said that i would be put on a waiting list for them which was about 6 months-1 year wait. You also had to then find a sitter who can accept the vouchers. A whole mess of problems, that didnt work out. I explained to the social worker i had a problem with calling people, phonephobia and she told me to get over it and do it that she wouldnt do it for me and that i had to contact another person because her time on my case was over it was just temporary.

 

So i just stopped talking to people, stopped asking for help because it never worked out and made me feel worse thinking about how i couldnt properly afford my kids on my own. That even working full time i couldnt afford a babysitter. I found one for a month who watched my kids but eventually said she couldnt do it anymore because my 1 month old wasnt sleeping though the night and she went to school, worked and had a daughter of her own. Had another one after that but her child had a severe illness where he couldnt be around kids when they got colds/flus and my kids where constantly sick with my daughter being in kindergarten picking up everything.

 

Every day at work co workers and customers ask how my kids are, some know that they are far away some dont. Those that do say "i dont know how you can be away from them, i could never be away from my kids" and its not just one person its like a hoard, that constantly make me feel horrible but i just say "yeah it sucks" and move on.

 

I feel like a failure to myself and my kids. I often find myself mad at the world, mad at girls i see who stay at home and live with their parents or grandparents for free never having to worry about if their children will have a roof over their heads or clothes on their backs. Then i take it out on my boyfriend cause i feel like he should be helping me more to solve this, to afford my children and start a solid family.

 

Most days i bury everything. distract myself with music, art, games, house work so i dont feel so aweful. My boyfriend usually stays up stairs all day and comes down to sleep and eat, occasionally he hangs out with me, gives me foot rubs/back rubs, tells me im beautiful and doesnt ask for sex.

 

I tried applying for a local college, was accepted but then thought about having to interact with other people and being more in debt and not even get a better job out of it with the way my area is(small town).

 

 

I want to push through this so my kids will have a solid place in the future and see what hard work gets you in life. I want to be a good example, i dont want them to grow up poor, embarrassed and ashamed. I want to have them here with me working a job i enjoy in an actual career. Take them out of roadtrips, camping and vacations. Get to spend time with them, not just tuck them in at night and send them to a babysitter during the day.

 

Also to add more problems to this, my boyfriends mother keeps giving me family heirlooms like necklaces, bowls and etc. She's really sweet but is handicap and cant get around very well, constantly in and out of the hospital. She always tell me how happy she is that him and i are together, that the only thing she wanted in life was for her kids to be happy and find someone.

 

sorry for the long posts, its just kind of nice to get things out, hard to be short :/

[Els]

I'm not qualified to address the self-harm part, but if your boyfriend is in the video game scene at all he MUST know that the vast majority of streamers don't just quit their job and try to make a full-time living by streaming off the bat. Most of them started part-time while doing something else, and switched to full-time only AFTER they started getting a good flow of income from it. Being able to go after your dreams is great, but it is a privilege and not a right. He can't just get people to support him by threatening to commit suicide - that's emotional blackmail and frankly I don't think it's acceptable behaviour at all.

[O'Malley]

Is your MIL a supportive person? Would it be possible for you to relocate by yourself where your children live, apply for housing assistance in getting a small apartment or a housing loan? Your kids could still live with your MIL, but you would then be able to see them regularly, as well as having them visit your home when you're off work. I'd consider selling your current home. If you're struggling that badly to make ends meet and your credit is already shot, I would look into getting the debt discharged via bankruptcy. I don't know what the Irish requirements are for it, it's not an ideal solution but it makes little sense for you to stay mired in long term debt, unable to even afford to visit your children. I know you're leery of government assistance, but it is there for parents in your predicament. Keep looking into it.

 

I think you're going to feel a lot more fulfilled by making some changes to your life and having a stronger relationship with your kids, even if you'll still have to deal with financial issues. Unfortunately I don't think your boyfriend is a supportive presence in your life, either emotionally or financially.