when to tell casual that i'm seeing someone else?

[ly399]

When to tell casual © guy that I started dating someone else (S), potentially serious? I assume the time range from "ASAP" to "when I become official with the other person". All of us are in are late 20s and early 30s.

 

 

Dating C for 2 months. He wants casual but act kind of serious. We aren't exclusive, but none of us is dating anyone else because of our schedules. I enjoy his company, we have great chemistry. Nice guy but not good for long term since he's very immature and wants to move oversea one day. He treats me well, I met some of his friends, and he has been telling me that I'm a great friend. I don't totally understand the "friend" thing since we aren't friends at any point.

 

 

Went out with S few days ago, first couple dates went well. We are planning to see each other more. S wants more serious dating, so do I. He's more responsible and mature, but a bit of socially awkward. Hence the chemistry isn't as good on my end, but he seems to be very into me.

 

 

The dilemma is, I like C. Although I don't see us long term, I rather date C than someone who claim to be "serious" and not deliver. It's really early on for S and I, so I might realize he's a bad fit in couple more dates and drop him. But if things go the other way, then I have to end with C. And honestly, dating 2 guys with my FT work and PT school schedule just plain crazy.

 

 

I don't think I need to tell S about C yet since it's really none of his business at this point. Maybe I will bring it up later on after I break off with C.

 

 

Do I tell C ASAP that I'm seeing someone else and lose him NOW? Or tell him when I officially dating the other guy? I'm not going to sleep with S unless we are in relationship. C will leave if I tell him that I'm dating others. Maybe he will get sad, maybe he won't. My guess is he will hurt a little even if he denies it.

[Handsome Librarian]

Are you sleeping with C? Id tell C when I was confident that S was really S. Or when there was a schedule conflict. Maybe sooner if you want to give C a chance to be serious.

[PegNosePete]

Does S know about C? If not, and he were to find out, there's a good chance that he would become G (gone).

[ly399]

Does S know about C? If not, and he were to find out, there's a good chance that he would become G (gone).

 

I am not cheating on C. But how do I bring up the conversation with S? Hey, ive been casually involved with another guy, hope you are okay with it... I don't think that will sit well.

 

I would NEVER be sexually involved with two guys at the same time. I'm a serial monogamist, and don't have the energy to keep up with two guys.

 

I met S few days ago, I don't know where this is heading. I would like to pursue something serious with S, plus I don't even know I have the right to ask S if he's dating other women or not.

 

How do I respectfully handle this situation and at the same time not jump the gun?

[ly399]

Yes, im sleeping with C. It's consensual, technically non exclusive, but neither of us is sleeping with anyone else.... Or at least I was told.

[Standard-Fare]

The biggest issue here is that you want something more from C, and it sounds like S wouldn't even be in the picture if C got more real with you.

 

Chances are if you break things off with C you're going to be struggling with some "What ifs?" and you'll continue giving S an unfavorable comparison in the chemistry department.

 

So I think you should explore whether you and C could actually be a real item. Maybe it's time for a talk about making this less "C."

[Leigh 87]

Neither guy is for you.

 

This happened to me last year when I met my bf.

 

One of the guys who I was casual with but had the major urge to be more serious with, was going to fly me accross the country to see him to " try one last time"

 

You know the men you want but can't have for real? That was him. Which as you know, makes women want them even more.

 

Well a week before I was due to fly over, I met my bf. sparks flew. I knew I was supposed to pursue my bf but wow, that unavailable guy had FINALLY decided to spend all that cash on me in order to see me and try and make things work with us! I had waited for MONTHS for him so it was initially a hard decision.

 

The difference between our scenarios is: I felt the same, if not more, chemistry and spark and EXCITEMENT with my current bf as I did with the ex casual guy.

 

YOU are MORE into your casual guy who just is not that into you ( men who are into you do not call you " such a good friend":sick:)

 

You are LESS into the safe guy who actually wants you.

 

Wait. Have fun with the casual guy until you meet a guy who you ARE really into! When you have to battle hard to decide, neither guy is right for you!

[Leigh 87]

And NO man who is really into you and is feeling amazing chemistry MUTUALLY with you --- says " you're such a great FRIEND"

 

Men that have seriously fallen for a girl, which C has had MORE than enough time to fall for you by now, they do not just hang around and call you their friends so nonchalantly.

 

He may like you a lot as a person and have good chemistry with you, but it is no where near as real for him as it is for you.

 

And you would totally go with C if he suddenly declared that he had "fallen in love with you and wanted a relationship with you"

 

S is essentially your second choice. Look - maybe if you are over 50 and have had your chemistry driven flings and you just want a companion then sure, ditch the man who gives you butterfies in favour of the guy who adores you and wants to be with you.

 

I TRIED going for my " S" before.

 

Do you know what happened? He was hearbroken when I met a guy with whom I DID share instant chemistry with and felt excited about!

 

Thing is, with men like S, you will ALWAYS yearn for your "Cs". And there will be more than one "C" that comes about if you pursue things with S. MAAAAAANY more men that you feel the spark and butterflies with will come your way and you will start to resent S because you feel so...lacklustre in the passion department......

 

Please Please Please spare S the heartbreak. GO after the men your heart yearns for and that make you feel most alive. OR, alternatively, if you find yourself ONLY feeling the hots for unavailable men or jerks or men who are great guys but are just not that into you- THEN you may need therapy in order to re evaluate the types of men you are drawn to. Some women are only drawn to the wrong men and actually do need to either learn to feel excitement for the right kinds of men, or they need to follow Evan Marc Katz's blog (he is a dating expert and TV personality), and accept that you will have to go for men like S because you cannot seem to find the butterflies with the right kinds of men.

 

I am prompting you to look more deeply into this... What are you doing here? You seem to want S for cuddles and sex and a "boyfriend" to be all cute and coupley with, all the while wishing that a guy like C coud give it to you.....

 

I do not think you want to pursue S for the right reasons - you did not see to feel a compelling enough draw to S. I would even venture to guess that S was your way of trying to distract yourself from Mr unavailable.

[ly399]

So I think you should explore whether you and C could actually be a real item. Maybe it's time for a talk about making this less "C."

 

That's an interesting thought, one of the reason i never tried to pursue anything more from C is that he always talks about moving to another country some day and becoming an artist (something along this line of business).

 

I want to support his dream, and love his company for the time being. But i don't see myself with him in the future. I want a quiet normal suburban life with kids.

 

S seems to share my vision for the long run. Although there is a good chance C will grow up and realize his artist dream is risky, and then live out a normal life of a lawyer. While on the other hand, S might wake up one day having mid life crisis, and then throw away all his money and becoming a yoga instructor.

 

You never know. I'm trying to take people's words at their face value

[ly399]

Thank you for the amazing replies!!!!!!! I really appreciate to hear from someone who have been through similar circumstances. I went out with S to distract myself from mr unavailable. The funny thing is, I always WANTED to date guys like S, now that I met him, i didn't feel the spark. Why is that? Is it my people picker need a tuning?

 

Do you think my lack of chemistry with S is contributed to my emotion ties to C? S is more successful, great on paper, and have a better physique than C. Part of me actually hates myself not liking S more. You are absolutely right about I'm going to regret one day with either men.

 

I want to marry a guy like S, but date a guy like C. S is very on top of his work and has his act together. I think he's perfect for family. S and I are the same type of people. C is fun, unpredictable, and cute like a puppy, i don't expect him to just grow up. We are somewhat opposite of each other.

 

This past weekend, C told me becoming serious (generally speaking, we weren't having the talk) means that he will give up his 'artist' dream and not able to have sex with a lot of women. He also told me that he only wanted me for sex when we first met. Now he's doing a lot of things not just for sex anymore aka got attached in the process.

 

It would be so great if i meet a guy that has the best of both worlds, but that's unrealistic. Certain characters contradict each other, ie. being responsible vs thrill seeking. Dating C most likely will lead to heartbreak on either/both parties.

 

I hope my affection with S will grow, or he will just give up on me and I will learn to appreciate people worth me loving

[Versacehottie]

To me, the definition of casual is that you are under no obligation to tell your other dating stuff. Soooooo if that's what he says you are doing, then don't say anything yet. Unless you have exclusivity about sleeping with no others, then you should let him know if you are sleeping with the other one.

 

As I can see, I will be in the minority with my answer--let me just clarify that I generally think "casual" dating goes wrong and wouldn't advocate it. However, in OP's situation, both have agreed to it and seemingly have no problem with it. And, to me, it means that you can and are dating others.

 

So OP, wait a bit and see what happens before you decide what to do/who to tell. I think you will know the answer in 2-3 weeks, right?

[ly399]

i have been casually dating a guy for 2.5 months. The chemistry is great, he seems really happy with me as well. However, deep down we both know we won't be a good fit for long term, but i really enjoy his company. He doesn't want to settle down yet, he wants to move to another country one day and be an artist, and I want kids and stable life. We aren't exclusive, but we are not dating (sleeping) anyone else because of busy schedules. We are both young working professionals in our late 20s living in big city.

 

I met someone new lately who is more on the same page as me, I'm planning to wait for few more weeks to see where things go with the new guy. No physical intimacy yet.

 

I can sense that my casual relationship is coming to an end soon. I feel very sad. I want to let it out here on the forum since everyone in my life (family, friends, colleagues) think the new guy is a better choice, and i shouldn't be sad at all ending a dead end relationship. But human emotions are complicated, you get attached to someone, it's hard to let go, and you wonder how they would feel because you care about that person's feelings.

 

At the risk of sounding narcissistic, i think the guy is also catching feelings for me. i don't want him to feel betrayed. On the other hand, I could be wrong. He might have no romantic feelings for me other than companionship/sex, and he won't care when i'm gone.

 

He's a really sweet and caring person, i know people tend to associate casual dating with booty calls, and this is not what we are about. He even admit it himself that this is not about sex, he really enjoy our "friendship". Since our first date, he has been treating me very well, nice dinner, movie, pick me up/drive me home, brunches, etc. I have met many of his friends in both casual and arranged settings.

 

In front of his close friends, he'd often resting his head on my shoulder, giving me back rub, or hugging/kissing/holding my hands, very affectionate. And constantly asking if i'm having fun and how am i feeling, etc. He's the sweetest person i've met in my life even though he doesn't want to commit, i'm really happy with him.

 

The other day while we are cuddling in bed, he told he feels safe with me and there is a lot of trust in this relationship, and how much he values our "friendship". Later that day, i caught him staring at my face in a way i can't describe, i blushed and he kissed me. And I noticed that he's asking me really random questions lately that he never did that before, ie. is your father controlling? do you have Nintendo when you are a kid? are you a cat/dog person? The questions are completely out of blue, when i asked why, he doesn't even know.

 

We usually don't talk during the week. In the beginning of dating, he'd make plans with me few days ahead, but nowadays, we kind of contact each other last min to go out. When we do get on the phone, we have so much to talk about.

 

What do you guys think? Does he has romantic feelings or just my wishful thinking? And what should i do knowing that this wonderful casual fling is coming to an end soon? He doesn't know it's coming, we even talked about taking an roadtrip together. All my friends think i'm nuts caring about a casual date. He had really bad gfs before. being cheated on, lied to, etc. i don't want him to feel discouraged towards all women, even the nice ones will eventually betray him and leave him when better options come along.

Edited May 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language~T

[iphone_user1]

That's relationship stuff. Been there. Been that guy. Perfect road for a heartache.

[katiegrl]

So I presume YOU are ending it? So you can pursue this new guy?

 

If so, then maybe that is just the kick in the butt he needs to get this thing off the ground and stop pu**y-footing around with this "casual" shyt.

 

Yes it sounds like he has feelings for you, beyond casual, but as long as you're okay with status quo, nothing will ever change.

 

I have known plenty of guys who appeared to only want casual, told their FWBs they only wanted casual.... but their actions reflected otherwise.

When the girl left him for another guy, THAT is when he got off his ass and stepped it up... suddenly announcing he wanted more than casual and did all along.

 

Seen it with my own two eyes....