Countrygirlatheart Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 (edited) Hi, this is my 1st time posting and I was hoping for some constructive opinions. Thank you! Long story short me and my ex were together for 9 months have been broken up for 1 month and a week now we were very serious, talked about marriage) It was my fault, my boyfriend did not like me going out with my friends or drinking in general so he basically gave me an ultimatum (he's a bit insecure but I don't think he knows this). I managed to break that promise and had secretly hung out with my gfs a few times because I missed my friends and didn't think much of it. So, he found out and broke up with me saying he didn't trust me anymore. I tried everything to get him back, texting, apologizing, took therapy. For the first 3 weeks It was going okay. He would respond and tell me he was proud I was making steps to change, or that he still loved me but it would take a long time for him to get over it and that he was trying to become a better person also, and that maybe in the future (in a year or 2) if we can salvage and build a new relationship. On our 3rd week I asked if we could talk in person and he said honestly during our time apart he had been hearing a lot of my past. I felt really hurt and told him that he was using my past against me when I was trying to become a better person and change but that he was hurting me by doing so. After that we stopped contact, he deleted me off of all social media. About a week later I was talking to a friend and she tells me she's been hearing a lot about my ex but didn't want to tell me because I would be hurt..apparently he had been talking badly about me to his friends and how he never wanted to get back with me, was hooking up with girls and that he's happy without me. I was shocked aND so hurt because he meant the world to me and I meant nothing to him...maybe he was hurt and that's how men deal? I don't know...but it's been 2 weeks since I haven't talked to him, I've deleted his number and trying to be positive...but I feel like he's really out to make my life harder right now..I work at a bar in the city but he went to where I work on my days off with his friends 2 times this past week. The first time he came, he even talked about how I had messed up the relationship to my manager and the 2nd time he apparently only stopped by for 15min because his friends were there. It's embarrassing for me and I feel it's wrong to come to my work place where my coworkers and friends are there...I understand it's a public place but is there no consideration of how I feel? He doesn't know I know of everything I've heard and so I feel like he's just trying to show everyone hes the victim, making it apparent to everyone and that he's fine. But I'm still hurting from the breakup and I need time to heal but it's really hard...I haven't been out at all with my friends because I'm scared of running into him or his friends..I'm not very good at playing off being cool/collected. A friend also told me that he had posted a plane ticket on his Facebook he's going out of state (the state where I told him I want to move to and settle down with him) all these little things are really hurting me and I don't know what to do...I understand that I messed up but I feel like it's a constant Rollercoaster with him after we broke up... I've taken the steps to try to make it right but I do think he has some responsibility for what happened also. Im trying my best to move on but he holds a very special place in my heart that just won't go away...our dreams together..future... I'm not sure at all what to do...I would like any Input of what to do...thank you for you time.. I'm sorry Ive accidentally posted this in the wrong section.. Edited April 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and move to BBU
chumly Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I know it hurts when you have dreams and they are shattered. it is almost a bit like you are in mourning over all that could have happened. It does sound like he is being a bit unfair to you though and like you said, it could just be his way of coping with things. I guess at this point you are probably best just to give things time. Kind of like that song from Sting.."if you love somebody set them free..", eventually they will come back to you. I also dont think anybody would blame you if you decided to move on with your life too. Of course the old saying is true...time does heal all wounds. I know it does hurt alot right now but eventually you really will be ok. Sorry, I could not offer better advice but I am sure someone will come along soon with something better. Good luck and hang in there.
alsudduth Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 but it will get better. It sounds to me like eventually you will realize that you are better off without him. the first part of breakup is the hardest....here is a little humor to hopefully make you smile! http://doublemesh.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/Women-VS-Men-Comic-Illustration-4.jpg 2
LD1990 Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 Ignore him and tell your friends to stop giving you updates on him. The way he's acting is ridiculously petty. Telling your manager that you messed up the relationship? What a tool. You're seeing him for who he really is now, you should be happy that it's over. 2
Author Countrygirlatheart Posted April 25, 2016 Author Posted April 25, 2016 I have learned that definitely after breaking up his true character showed.. it's honestly disappointing and I actually feel sorry for him...
RocketQueen Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 A life without going out with your friends is no life at all- even with a good man/woman by your side. Your ex is acting very petty and seems pretty desperate to make life uncomfortable for you, I myself see this as him clutching at straws and taking every opportunity to gain control of the situation (and you). Breaking up is TERRIBLE but you will get through this. Continue to act with dignity, don't bad mouth him and ignore any attempts to portray you in a bad light, anyone who cares and MATTERS will know not to believe what he is saying. Concentrate on yourself and getting better. Cry when you need to. Laugh when you can and each day it will get easier. Good Luck 1
Author Countrygirlatheart Posted April 26, 2016 Author Posted April 26, 2016 A life without going out with your friends is no life at all- even with a good man/woman by your side. Your ex is acting very petty and seems pretty desperate to make life uncomfortable for you, I myself see this as him clutching at straws and taking every opportunity to gain control of the situation (and you). Breaking up is TERRIBLE but you will get through this. Continue to act with dignity, don't bad mouth him and ignore any attempts to portray you in a bad light, anyone who cares and MATTERS will know not to believe what he is saying. Concentrate on yourself and getting better. Cry when you need to. Laugh when you can and each day it will get easier. Good Luck Thank you for your input! Definitely will try to have self respect and dignity
Buddhist Posted April 26, 2016 Posted April 26, 2016 So, he found out and broke up with me saying he didn't trust me anymore. I tried everything to get him back, texting, apologizing, took therapy. For the first 3 weeks It was going okay. He would respond and tell me he was proud I was making steps to change, or that he still loved me but it would take a long time for him to get over it and that he was trying to become a better person also, and that maybe in the future (in a year or 2) if we can salvage and build a new relationship. On our 3rd week I asked if we could talk in person and he said honestly during our time apart he had been hearing a lot of my past. Were you in a relationship or a prison? Serious question actually. Honey this is called being groomed to be in an abusive relationship. Where he will tell you what to do and harsh punishments will be metered out for your non-compliance. He was sweet in the beginning because that's how it always starts, to suck you in, then the psycho appears and you wonder where your boyfriend has gone. The answer is, your boyfriend never existed he was an act put on by this guy, who is who you are really dating. t is there no consideration of how I feel? None whatsoever. He is now out for revenge because you were non-compliant in the role he was grooming you for. It's not enough that he's dumped you, now he feels it would be fun to also ruin your life. You appear to be attached to a particularly malignant variant of this type of person. Most of them will just dump and run but some are revenge orientated, yours appears to be one of those. Im trying my best to move on but he holds a very special place in my heart that just won't go away...our dreams together..future... . There was never any future together that you want to be a part of or know about. It would have consisted of you being a prisoner to this guy and possibly being beaten as well. I know you don't believe that but this pattern is very obvious and a classic for the abusive relationship. It's exactly how they all start. The fact he was talking marriage less than a year is a HUGE red flag. These guys move for commitment very quickly because they want to lock you down. You made a lucky escape because he doesn't want you now. That's the best scenario in this case. He called it off, he thinks he's won. No better outcome because he's the vengeful type and if you called it off I don't want to think about what he might be inclined to do. Let him think he's won, change the locks on your house and let this guy move out of your life. You are in danger in relationship with him.
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