How to deal with girlfriend wanting space or to break up?

[Mordor21]

Hey, I have been with this girl for over 3 months now. So I just came back from my girlfriends apartment.Today she had a small holiday I surprised her this morning (~10am) with flowers, made her breakfast and we basically spent the entire day in bed watching movies.

She is a very busy person with a responsible job. When I came back home from her apartment a few hours ago (9pm). She messaged me that she wants to talk to me about something. I called her and basically she asked me not to surprise her like today again, because she had plans for today and because of me she basically did not do any of them. I understand we spend the whole day together, but i never got the notion she does not want me there. I was fine leaving at any time of the day If I knew. Anyways, I told her it is fine, I understand and I will be more considerable. She then says that at this minute she things that the relationship we have is a bit too much for her, and I replied that we will move with a pace that is best for both of us, so I get it. She said, it is not about pace, and that we are just different. I did not want to discuss things like this over the phone/chat, so I let her rest and told her that we will talk about this when she wants.

Now, I have never been in a situation like this before, the last three months have been great for me. I did push things a bit today, I guess but did not think about it. I will give her as much space as she wants, I think there is a potential in this relationship. I think she likes me, but maybe I am interfering too much with her free time, although I always try to let her choose whether to meet or not (today was an exception, because she had a small holiday and apparently did not work). Today the problem I think was that I just overstayed my welcome, but I seriously thought she will never cancel her plans because of me. I have told her many times, I am happy to go if I am over, just tell me.

Can you give me any advise on how to deal with this. I am happy we have all cards on the table and we will either work it out or not. What should I keep in mind when we talk?

I have decided to go no contact, and let her take the initiative.

Thanks.

[PegNosePete]

I think this is a "soft dump". She is trying to let you down gently, hoping you'll get the hint and not be too hurt.

 

The ball is in her court now. Wait for her to make her move - but don't hold your breath, and don't put your life on hold, because it may very well never come.

[elaine567]

I think she is just not feeling it.

She spent the whole day with you and then blames you for "spoiling" her day off. All she needed to say, Look I need to go shopping or I have stuff to do, so I'll see you later, or come with me, we can do it together.

Early dating you tend to WANT to be near that person, you usually cannot get enough of them, so all this "a bit too much for her" and "we are different" I guess means she is done.

[d0nnivain]

All you can do is back off & fade from her life. If she wants you in her life, she will chase you.

 

 

It appears that you are more into her then she is into you. At only 90 days most women would be thrilled that their new man did what you did. It was sweet & romantic. Since she apparently didn't care for it, you need to accept that you are on different pages.

[Conviction]

She has initiated the kiss of death. She's not invested anymore and is trying to let you down softly.

 

Similar thing just happened to me not too long ago. Girl told me she wants to see me less and spend less time with me, isn't sure if she's ready for a relationship, needs space, blah freaking blah. I let her walk. Shortly thereafter, she recanted everything and didn't want to lose me. Damage was done.

 

If two people are meant to be, it should be easy for them to spend time together, especially in the early honeymoon stages. If "space" is needed that early on (3 months), it's going nowhere.

 

Let her walk OP.

[preraph]

When I was younger I was more spontaneous, but even then, if I had something planned that day, I'd have sent you packing. It is just very impolite to not make plans ahead of time and no amount of flowers or candy makes up for it, and that is transparent. I have a friend with the same problem. She only wants to see him once a week (she's older and works long hours and needs to do chores and needs some down time) and when she tells him that, he will do what you did and just pop by and bring takeout and act like he's only there to pamper her, which is all BS, of course. He's there because he can't take no for an answer. And that will be the thing that finally makes her stop dating him because it's very disrespectful.

 

Now, on the other hand, if you'd found out she had a day off and asked her ahead of time if you can come over and then shown up with flowers, then you get an A+.

 

You're either taking her for granted OR you're selfish and knew she'd say she had other plans, so you just didn't ask. And women aren't stupid and see right through that.

[Mordor21]

We did have a small chat before and she said she does not feel like getting up and opening the door, to which I replied hey it is fine I will go back (i was in the store buying stuff), to which she replied that it is fine and I can come over, I think I asked her if she is sure, and she said yes.

So yeah it was not completely unannounced. This does not justify the stupid **** that I did and I should have been much more considerate.

[Satu]

She likes you, but not as much as want her to.

 

The ball is in her court. Leave it there.

 

Radio silence.

[preraph]

We did have a small chat before and she said she does not feel like getting up and opening the door, to which I replied hey it is fine I will go back (i was in the store buying stuff), to which she replied that it is fine and I can come over, I think I asked her if she is sure, and she said yes.

So yeah it was not completely unannounced. This does not justify the stupid **** that I did and I should have been much more considerate.

 

So now you know that she relented but her first choice was to be left on her own to sleep in and then do things that day. She didn't want to be mean about it so she gave in. But now there's the backlash, because after she dissected the thing, it looked like a frog. May be too late to backpedal, but if you do get a second chance, don't push her again and if she first says no, leave it at that.

 

Good luck.

[Mordor21]

So here is the thing. I have been going No contact, and although hard it is manageable. Before I left on Sunday (right before she called me to say all the things above), I picked her shoes up to get them repaired because she had asked me previously.

Despite everything I got them fixed. I have done numerous things like this for her because I know she is busy during the week.

I was thinking of dropping them off at her house today and leave her a note - "Hey, was running by and decided to drop these off, in case you need them sooner rather than later. Have a lovely evening. "

I honestly do not want these shoes and do not want our reason to meet up next time to be those stupid shoes.

What do you guys think?

[Lois_Griffin]

So here is the thing. I have been going No contact, and although hard it is manageable. Before I left on Sunday (right before she called me to say all the things above), I picked her shoes up to get them repaired because she had asked me previously.

Despite everything I got them fixed. I have done numerous things like this for her because I know she is busy during the week.

I was thinking of dropping them off at her house today and leave her a note - "Hey, was running by and decided to drop these off, in case you need them sooner rather than later. Have a lovely evening. "

I honestly do not want these shoes and do not want our reason to meet up next time to be those stupid shoes.

What do you guys think?

OMG.

 

You sound like her errand boy.

 

I'm sorry, but most women don't respect weak, needy men who jump around like trained seals trying to please them. You kind of sound like a stray dog desperately hoping for a pat on the head.

 

Please. Just stop that.

 

She doesn't respect you and now I can see why.

 

Sorry.

[Tayla]

Drop the shoes off, with a brief note.

 

At every step of the day, she had a choice . Stop being her scape goat.

 

Usually adults will speak up as a part of the manners. Such as " dear,I absolutely adored your surprise visit! I need to cut things short as I have XYZ to do today."

 

Taking a low key is certainly an option.

 

People worth investing in make the time for others. Sounds like you did just that.

 

Now you know that she is less vested...

[Mordor21]

OMG.

 

You sound like her errand boy.

 

I'm sorry, but most women don't respect weak, needy men who jump around like trained seals trying to please them. You kind of sound like a stray dog desperately hoping for a pat on the head.

 

Please. Just stop that.

 

She doesn't respect you and now I can see why.

 

Sorry.

 

You are so right. Literally a wake up call. It was my first relationship and she knew that. I Guess I learn from all that and go to the next one. Thanks.

[PegNosePete]

The only note you leave with the shoes should be an invoice for the money it cost you to get them repaired for her. Including your petrol/bus fare.

[Mordor21]

So a little update.

She called me on Saturday, we went out and had a quick coffee, tea. I told her a few things, but it all felt pretty normal - a little weird yes. I wanted to kiss her goodnight, but she pulled back.

Today we met for breakfast and I wanted to kiss her goodbye she pulled again, and I straight on asked her. What is up? Are we still together?

She replied that we are indeed, but she just need some space and not to have anyone close to her. In general we had a good time, but it feels like we are more friends than anything else.

This is so messed up and I am at a loss what to do.

[joseb]

She is not interested and seems like dies not have the guts to properly break up. Or maybe she wants to keep you around running errands for her.

Sorry to be blunt.

[elaine567]

This is so messed up and I am at a loss what to do.

 

You get out of it.

People who want you, just want you, they don't need "space", unless they had something drastic happen to them like perhaps a family bereavement or some other horrible traumatic event, or you are crowding them so much they cant breathe, which I do not think you are doing really.

 

She can't even bring herself to kiss you good bye, so what sort of a romantic "relationship" is that?

Some people even kiss their pets good bye as they walk out the door, so where does that leave you?

 

You are worth so much more than this.

Edited May 1, 2016 by elaine567

[Mordor21]

We talked. Basically I asked her what we both need from this relationship and if we can work on our differences.

Because of her job etc, she needs more time to herself and relax from people, so she does not feel the need to meet with me that often during weekdays. It is tough for her. I told her it is fine with me if we meet once or twice during weekends etc, but I want to feel like I am in a relationship and if we can find a middle ground we can work this thing out. She agreed.

She is afraid that we are too different in the need to be with one another and that is why she thought that we may be better off just as friends. I told her that I am sorry and I cannot be just friends with her and if she wants that it is fine, but I am going to walk away.

OH and also she does not like PDA at all, and likes privacy, which I totally understand.

At this point I felt very relieved because she opened up to me, and now I understand what she needs and I/we think we can work with it. Hopefully she understands what I need. I will give this thing another try and made it clear that if it does not work for me I will let her know.

It is difficult to have these types of conversation so early in the relationship, but at least I know now. I have to admit this does not seem like the ideal relationship to me right now, but time will tell.

Thanks to everyone for the advise here!

Edited May 2, 2016 by Mordor21
Edits

[preraph]

Glad you talked it out. It does sound like you two may be too different in your needs to stay together, but maybe you can have some good times for a while anyway. Honestly, once the new wears off of this, you may come to find that two times a week is okay with you too. You're just still in the early stages of romance. Good luck going forward. Remember not to give more than you're getting back. It doesn't work as a strategy.

[puzzleddad67]

I read this and immediately thought you were the clingy but helpful/useful boyfriend appeased once in a while while the [insert sexy muscle bound trainer, local bad boy, something or another your opposite] is for the other four- six days a week.

 

Sorry. That was what I saw.

 

STOP PUPPY FOLLOWING HER. She aint liking it.

[gbe2015]

We talked. Basically I asked her what we both need from this relationship and if we can work on our differences.

Because of her job etc, she needs more time to herself and relax from people, so she does not feel the need to meet with me that often during weekdays. It is tough for her. I told her it is fine with me if we meet once or twice during weekends etc, but I want to feel like I am in a relationship and if we can find a middle ground we can work this thing out. She agreed.

She is afraid that we are too different in the need to be with one another and that is why she thought that we may be better off just as friends. I told her that I am sorry and I cannot be just friends with her and if she wants that it is fine, but I am going to walk away.

OH and also she does not like PDA at all, and likes privacy, which I totally understand.

At this point I felt very relieved because she opened up to me, and now I understand what she needs and I/we think we can work with it. Hopefully she understands what I need. I will give this thing another try and made it clear that if it does not work for me I will let her know.

It is difficult to have these types of conversation so early in the relationship, but at least I know now. I have to admit this does not seem like the ideal relationship to me right now, but time will tell.

Thanks to everyone for the advise here!

 

You say you are ok with the changes (such as no PDA) but why? Obviously you did those things because that what makes you feel happy and secure in a relationship but you are now giving that up in order to keep her in the relationship? I don't think you should do that. Don't ever doubt yourself, be true to yourself and do what you think you should be doing ... the right girl will love you for it not ask you to stop.

[Mordor21]

I read this and immediately thought you were the clingy but helpful/useful boyfriend appeased once in a while while the [insert sexy muscle bound trainer, local bad boy, something or another your opposite] is for the other four- six days a week.

 

Sorry. That was what I saw.

 

STOP PUPPY FOLLOWING HER. She aint liking it.

 

I understand what you mean and I cannot say thoughts like this have not made their way in my head. Hey if she wants to go cheat around, there is no one in this world that can stop her.

Honestly this is is my first relationship and I did not know how to deal with something I have never had. I understand better now and am trying to focus more on myself. We are still together, but I need to find myself again.

I am not apologizing anymore for anything I have done to her. I am honestly waiting to see if this will work for me or not.

Whatever happens, it was a great learning experience, that I should have gone through years ago.

Edited May 5, 2016 by Mordor21
adding

[puzzleddad67]

Im old and pretend I am wise. Women loathe weak men. Many will oblige them occasionally for gain. I had a college roommate. UGH! one of his female friends used to tell him about this bad boy or that bad boy wouldnt call her back after sex. He would willingly play crying shoulder and as far as I know, they never did the horizontal mambo.

 

I have never been a bad boy. Its not in my make up.

NEVER been a doormat either.

 

Dont be my college room mate. There is a medium between user and door mat that some women will like. Find your own medium and stop following her.

[Iotome]

I think a lot of us have been just like you at one point or another. In my first long term relationship I did things very similar to the things you do when trying to be sweet and she loved it. The problem is that a lot of the women attracted to that are ones that might be willing to take advantage of it, not saying everyone is like that but quite a few are.

 

The trick to breaking this doormat behavior is to stop questioning whether you can be good enough for them, and start questioning whether they can be good enough for you. Once you start thinking about things in a more realistic way it tends to get easier and you both tend to be more comfortable.