Developing feelings over time vs instant chemistry

[VintageWine]

In my past experiences with relationships, I always had the instant chemistry with my exes, but as quickly as that happened, relationship just crumbles. Maybe it isn't about me having instant chemistry with the person per se it's probably my picking of people, I don't know how to explain it, I'm just wondering if anyone ever experienced something like this vs experiencing feelings growing over time.

[Gloria25]

I think you have to have "chemistry" in order to kick it off with someone. For me chemistry is you two "clicking". It's intangible.

 

The thing is, I think it crumbles quickly when you make something big out of that initial phase of meeting someone and investing too much into them too soon without even knowing them.

 

When we first meet someone, there's an initial attraction...that gets their foot in the door with us. We're excited, elated, maybe even horny/lustful. It's the honeymoon phase.

 

In the honeymoon phase, you gotta not let that phase make you think more is there before you take time to really, really, get to know them - that could take up to 1 1/2 to 2 years to really get to know someone.

 

So, if in the honeymoon phase you put all your hopes, dreams and desires into someone that early, once you get to know them over time, it crumbles cuz now that you know them, you realized that all the hopes, dreams, etc you put into them isn't what you're looking for.

 

So, IMO, it's ok to feel excited and all that - "chemistry" - when you first meet someone. But, don't start thinking you're gonna marry them, that they're the bomb, and/or the person you wanna have ten kids with until you've taken time to get to know them for sure.

[carhill]

Perhaps ride the wave at a more measured pace?

[d0nnivain]

I always needed the instant chemistry. If I didn't get that wow factor from the 1st look I knew it would never come.

 

 

That said, I also knew it was an illusion. I knew nothing about the guy other than he was good looking. Alone, that is not an adequate foundation. Instead I'd take that & find out what kind of person he was. If he was a good guy, I let the feelings (other than lust) develop gradually.

 

 

So enjoy the instant chemistry but remind yourself that it means nothing about what kind of a person the other person is. Do not let your hormones make all the decisions.

[Larryville]

In my past experiences with relationships, I always had the instant chemistry with my exes, but as quickly as that happened, relationship just crumbles. Maybe it isn't about me having instant chemistry with the person per se it's probably my picking of people.

 

I’ve said this is so many threads but I’ve gotta say that I really had no clear clue just how little people value getting to know someone and completely vetting someone before becoming exclusive in relationships till I read so much material here. It amazes me sometimes.

 

So many get caught up in the “wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything in the world.” stuff

 

Then like clockwork it happens.

 

*You start to fight you learn he’s or she’s jealous, or controlling, or irresponsible, or unethical.

 

*They starts to pull away.

 

*begin to walk on eggshells.

 

*You don’t know where you stand.

 

*Then in countless threads folks talk about being “in love”, talking about a “feeling”, as opposed to the enduring bond experienced between two people for a long period of time.

 

Then folks crave the pure feeling they had before, but they spend more time worrying than feeling peaceful about your relationship.

 

*And then it ends.

 

*They tell you he/she needs space.

 

*They tell you they want to see other people.

 

Whether it is bad dates or bad relationships too many people are clearly not in tuned with their own emotions and logic.

 

I always had the instant chemistry with my exes

 

I’m curious what this even means to people. I’ve been attracted to a number of women on first meets, but only ONE in my whole life I had “instant chemistry” with. and that ended up a freaking disaster!!

 

If folks are getting instant chemistry from every man or woman they need to do some self evaluation.

[d0nnivain]

If folks are getting instant chemistry from every man or woman they need to do some self evaluation.

 

I can only tell you my experience. I didn't get instant chemistry from every man I met. I did have it with almost every man I dated. I knew myself well enough to know if I wasn't attracted from the outset I wasn't going to develop attraction. That said, lust was step one & it was highly superficial. If it wasn't there I didn't go to step two. But step two was a conversation. Did he have something worthwhile to say; did I enjoy his sense of humor. From there we moved to step 3 -- an actual date. Step 4 was taking the time to get to know him. Likes, dislikes, mannerisms, upbringing, sense of ethics etc. Then and only then would I start to consider sex & exclusivity.

 

 

Of course there were times my hormones were driving the bus but when that went wrong I always knew it was my fault for getting carried away.

 

 

People often mistake attraction or chemistry for commitment when the concepts have nothing to do with each other.

[Gaeta]

On average men I felt intense chemistry with right from the get go ended up being men I had very little compatibility with. The sexual magnetic chemistry carried our relationship for a while then as it settled we didn't have much in common.

 

The relationships I entered with a cooler head were smarter relationships. Of course I need to find the man attractive but I don't feel chemistry with all the men I find attractive. If you find someone attractive enough, interesting enough to want to see them again than by all means go ahead. You will learn to know them, learn about your compatibility and at the same time build chemistry.

 

When I think of my ex-boyfriend, when we met it was instant sparks, we both felt like a magnetic pull, it was mind blowing. We dated for 6 months but rarely did things together, we had nothing in common. The only thing we had in common was 'we were into each other'. Isn't surprising he ghosted on me without a word after 6 months. Over 6 months he didn't build any respect, consideration and empathy for me BUT sexual attraction he had plenty.