smile95 Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 Ok. questions........ Does anyone know how to switch from "hoping they will come back" mode to "accepting it is over" mode? Anything that can help me see it? Or accept it? Aside from the fact that we do not speak? The hoping is hindering my progess. bigtime. Also, I have based my self worth and esteem on if this man calls me. How would one snap out of that? I think I would have been better off if he told me we were done instead of just walking away. That way, I would know that he really did not want to ever come back. I am going to go back to counseling, but trying to figure out if there is anything I can do on my own first. Thanks guys!
TMonkey Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 Hi Beth: I have seen your posts around here alot. I think counseling would be great. It helped me. Two things my therapist said to do were really helpful: 1. Set aside time each day to do nothing but think about your ex. Set an hour or whatever you need (an hour should be enough). Then throughout your day, when your ex pops into your head, say to yourself "No, it's not time to think about him yet" and push the thought out. Then, when that hour comes, don't stray. Run all your thoughts over and over. Then when it's through, be disciplined. 2. Write down every problem you had with your ex. Then write down what you can do about it NOW. Act on those things you can do, realize you can't change the things you can't control. also Beth, I think you are more obsessed than in love. There are actual physical and chemical reasons you feel this way, so don't think you are crazy. Science is finding out that we feel obsessions like that as results of chemical reations in our brains. Go easy on yourself.
Author smile95 Posted June 19, 2005 Author Posted June 19, 2005 Thank you Tmonkey..I will try the hour approach and see how it goes. Did it work for you?
iwishiknewthen Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 omg i go through hoping and then trying to let go of hope everyday. this is a post i want to come back to because i wish i had the answers myself. it is leaving me in serious limbo as far as planning any kind of future for myself. i need the hope but dont want false hope..on and on it goes. whats a healthy balance anyone have the answer out there P
Forget About Her Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Wow Beth, I was in your same shoes. It was like, if she called me then I'm worth something, but if she doesn't call I'm worth nothing. I would rush straight to the answering machine every time I got home to check the messages hoping she had called. I think you'll recognize the transition when you realize that you really don't want to talk to her. It took me about 6 months to get to that point (coming out of a 5 year relationship, 4 years living together). It's going to take some time, and just understand that the process you are going through right now is 100% normal! You'll get past it, I promise. I honestly thought I was never going to move on from wanting her to call me, or thinking about her, or basing my self-worth on her actions. You will get over it, I PROMISE! Find new things to focus on, get a better job, finish your degree, take up a new sport, make changes in your life for the better. Success is the best revenge.
Clone Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 I have read beths post before and some say she is obsessed and what not but i agree with her alot. Quick story that made me think alot.please read this it is very relavent. Sitting with new girl at dinner and she was telling me story about her uncle. He was in love with this girl. It was true lvoe and they were head over heals about each other. Well the girl moved away cause he parent at the time forced her to. The uncle went into deep depression for many many years cause they were soulmates if u want to put it that way. To this day 20 years later this guy loves her to this day. Now when my new gf told me this she was like it was " Undying Love" for this person and she asked me if i had that type of love towards my ex. I honeslt could not look her in the eye when i said no cause i feal i do. Its been almost 6 months since are breakup and its hard ot move on and not feal love for this person. Yes they destroyed u inside and shattered you into a million pieces but you still feal live for them.
Author smile95 Posted June 21, 2005 Author Posted June 21, 2005 well, one reason I feel this way was just justified that he does too the other day. After 6 wks of not calling me and a month of me doing NC to him, he called. It was emotional. We talked and he explained why he just dropped off the earth and all along, deep down, I knew. I cannot explain what I feel for him. I know one other person who understands. I feel a connection with him that I have never had. Our issue was timing and when the time is right since we both feel so strongly about each other, it will happen. If I am wrong, then I guess it won't and I will meet someone new.
zack121 Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 peoples, I have been dealing with this same issue for 10 months. I think about it all the time, will we get back together, etc etc. I did/do the whole check the phone thing. I have given up on getting a letter or any form of communication It's so frustrating. Not a day does by that I don;t wish to contact her, or see her. I even moved away (not that far) hoping that would help.. did;nt... I just wish I new what she felt inside, but I spose after NC for so long like 6 months and the fact of new guy, I should stop deluding myself. I still feel so hurt by what happened. I see a councellor about it, but it does nto seem to change my inner desires. I guess I just have to be strong, but sorry everytime I heard the tune "incomplete" it makes me sad. as thats how I feel. I wish I could be happy for her, and a small part does, but I just feel so bad about things. Maybe I'll just have to move further away... like the moon!!!
too_risky Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 I'm not sure if this will help you all in this thread but I'm going to try. I will give you the watered down version of my story first to tie it all together. Was together with ex for 3 years. We adored eachother, never fought, got along wonderful. We were the absolute best of friends before the relationship turned to love. We were eachothers everything. We were also long distance from eachother which made it hard but we adjusted and it worked for us. Long story short, a little over a year ago I found out I had cancer. I knew I would have to go through chemo, surgery, etc. I also knew that if I asked this man, he would drop everything and come live here to be with me (or so I imagined at the time). I wasn't sure how to deal with it all myself so at first I couldn't tell him. I made excuses of why I couldnt see him. Things got worse and more complicated and I could never find the right time or way to tell him what was happening. I just made excuses. He knew I still loved and adored him but he also knew I was very very busy with my life. Anyways, at my lowest point I felt like I was keeping him from something he should have. I couldnt see him or be with him or even tell him what was going on so I told him I needed a little time. 13 days go by and I can't stand it. I call. We go on talking and trying to fix things over the next few weeks when he drops a bomb on me and says "I can't talk to you anymore. I've met someone. Please don't ever call me again". Well, naturally, I was devestated! I knew at the time that he didn't understand why I wouldn't see him. It must have looked like I didn't care about him. So, I decided to tell him the truth finally. I did. I wrote it all in an email and explained everything. It finally made sense to him. He still said he needed time to figure it all out in his head, to let it absorb. I begged, pleaded, cried, etc. I finally told him I was flying down there to see him. I hadn't seen him in a year. If our love had been so strong before, maybe us seeing eachother and talking face to face would help us both. I knew it was a HUGE risk. I knew I could be rejected. So I did it. I flew down there. He spent 3 hours with me in the airport parking garage. We talked, we hugged, kissed. Then, he said he needed to go. I figured out that he was going to see his new "girlfriend". He knew I wasn't flying out until the next morning and that was 8 hours away. He drove me up to the door of the airport from the garage, dropped me off in the pouring rain in a strange city, at 11pm at night in an empty airport with no way to get to a hotel, no way to get any food (not even any vending machines), no way to get anything. He never called. He never looked back. That was 3 weeks ago today. I spent the last three weeks thinking how could I get him to love me again? How can I get him back? What did I do wrong? I have mourned and grieved. Then, like a blow to the head it hit me this morning. What the hell is wrong with me!!!! What did all of this finally reveal to me? That I wasn't even human to this man. This man who adored me. This man who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I wouldn't take a stray dog and dump it off somewhere without even giving it food or water and even if I did, I would worry all night that something bad would happen to it. He thought less of me than I would of an animal. I guess my point is this. No matter how much you love them or think they love you. The true test will reveal itself in time. If you want to move on, go completely no contact. Nothing. No email, texts etc. Cool off as much for you as for them. You will finally just wake up one day like I did and see it for what it really is. The hardest part is admitting that to yourself. It's very hard for me to admit that I was less than human to this man that I still love and adore. But I finally got there. I finally got to that transition that I don't give a rat's A** if he ever called again. I don't want or need him to complete me anymore. I did the checking the phone thing too. Not anymore. Look at it this way. There are millions and millions of people out there. Why base your worth, your existance on one persons opinion of you? I love myself. I respect myself. I have to. If nobody else does, that's fine but I do and I come first. I'm the only one I have to prove myself to or my worth to. Thanks for listening. I'm not sure I helped.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Bravo. You are one courageous lady. I suppose it was your illness that made you a lot more stronger, more self-reliant and more resilient than what you were before. And it helped you overcome the rejection - well, at least you had the determination. But you know something - I have seen that if you ignore someone you love for too long, even if it's because of a serious reason, they will eventually find someone else. Not to blame you or anything for not seeing your ex for a year....but maybe you would've found out the truth earlier if you'd told him earlier! And much as we want, it is true that most people wouldn't voluntarily be with a person who's not well. It's horrendous...but it's true....it takes the heart of an angel, a true giver, to still be with that person. And you ex just wasn't that kind of a person. Besides, once he finds someone else, they're his new fixation, his new addiction. Hardly anything would make them change their mind anyway. It's amazing how you've handled yourself, how you've managed to keep your chin up. You actually have come a long way. Actually, I've posted something related to the need to be someone's soulmate, earlier on in this forum. I'm still not able to understand why.... Anyway...Beth, you hang in there. In your case, I think you can only know by watching it all play out...but you are stronger now, don't you think? It might be a little bit of progress, but it's there!
zack121 Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Beth, man thats harsh.... at an airport etc etc... Today I feel better about the situation. Don't know why... its like a roller coaster up and down then up and down... I wish I was tougher/stronger/more accepting... on a positive note: and I use the word positive with much reserve at the very least you did get to speak to him, not that it is much conciliation now. Did it make you feel better at the time?
sleeplessincnd Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 So I decided that I was done with my ex on Monday and I logged onto a dating site and met some really interesting people who care about what i have to say and want to know me better. And I realized that I am selling myself short by spending so much time worrying about one person's opinion of me. It was hard to realize that I was letting go b/c I realized he doesn't deserve me. I cried b/c i was mad - not sad! Mad that i spent that much time with someone who is too selfish to realize what they had. And I know that I am better than him and can do better than him and will be better of without him. Yeah I still care about him but that is being over shadowed by the realization that someone will love me again and I that I will love again. I have so much to offer so I need to get out there and offer it up! Beth I hope you can see that this time will come for you. Get out there and see what comes your way, I am not saying to jump into another relationship but just knowing that there are other fish in the sea will make you feel better - I promise! But you will never know what is out there if you spend all your time on LS writing about your ex! Take care!
jellybean Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by sleeplessincnd But you will never know what is out there if you spend all your time on LS writing about your ex! Oh geez....this is what I tryed to say to another poster who is extremely active on this forum every single day...all he did was personally attack me, and put me on his ignore list! Beth5201, I'm sorry but I have not read your previous posts, so I don't know your whole story. Just wanted to ask you : have gone thru the the anger phase yet? I'm talking about 'the filled with rage, I HATE his f*cking guts' stage. It lasted a few weeks, and was not pleasant, but it REALLY helped me get over my ex. Just my 2 cents
Author smile95 Posted June 22, 2005 Author Posted June 22, 2005 too risky...I am so sorry about your story. You are the 3rd person on LS to say they took a chance and went to the airport only to be left there? Man, I will never attempt that one! I hope that you are strong and healthy these days! Thanks for the words of wisdom!
Author smile95 Posted June 22, 2005 Author Posted June 22, 2005 jellybean-I never had an anger stage...I could never hate him or convince myself to. I was never mad at him. I cannot be mad at him for wanting to get his life in order before we continue anything. All I can do is date others and stay friends. But we both know we want more than friends. All I can do is move on as if he is gone and if it is meant to be, it will happen. So, no, I had denial, hope, acceptance and then he called. So I was prob on my way to anger. Everytime I tried to get angry, I could not. But am not an angry person. I have never yelled or fought with anyone my entire life. Do not even think I have raised my voice. Prob why I get walked all over -lol
ConfusedInOC Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 Originally posted by Forget About Her Wow Beth, I was in your same shoes. It was like, if she called me then I'm worth something, but if she doesn't call I'm worth nothing. I would rush straight to the answering machine every time I got home to check the messages hoping she had called. That's attaching your self-worth to someone else's approval of you. It's a sign of low self-esteem. I think you'll recognize the transition when you realize that you really don't want to talk to her. It took me about 6 months to get to that point (coming out of a 5 year relationship, 4 years living together). It's going to take some time, and just understand that the process you are going through right now is 100% normal! You'll get past it, I promise. I honestly thought I was never going to move on from wanting her to call me, or thinking about her, or basing my self-worth on her actions. You will get over it, I PROMISE! Find new things to focus on, get a better job, finish your degree, take up a new sport, make changes in your life for the better. Success is the best revenge. Thinking of it as "revenge" is also bad. You should look at it like a learning experience, take the best things you've learned and make improvements where necessary. But most of all, love and respect yourself so that you will not rely on someone else's approval. It's natural to feel the "loss" of companionship. I still feel it. But I also realize that I do not need her approval. I do not need her in my life. I just WANTED her in my life. Big difference in your outlook when you come to realize that. Good luck.
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