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Is there a connection between the size of a wedding and the success of a marriage?

wmacbride

By wmacbride
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wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

Posted
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I was reading an article the other day that was written by a young woman. She was gushing about all her wedding plans, how much they were going to cost, and how big her wedding was going to be.

 

I couldn't help but wonder if she spent as much time thinking about what her life would be like after she married. I don't know if it's just that she was excited about planning the event, but it really sounded as if she was getting married more for the party aspect than wanting to be with the guy she was engaged to.

 

I found an article that reviewed the findings of an investigation into the corelation between the amount of money spent on an engagement ring and wedding and divorce.

 

Will a Cheap Wedding Help Your Marriage? A Lesson in Causation - Real Time Economics - WSJ

 

What is your opinion? Based on your own experience, have you noticed that weddings that were smaller ended up in more successful marriages?

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
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All the marriages I know of personally which have lasted a lifetime and reached at least silver anniversary status started out as essentially nothing nuptials. Things like JOP, backyard weddings, etc. That said, I personally know of very few (under ten) marriages which have lasted a lifetime so very thin on the data part.

 

If I had to split hairs, our backyard tiny wedding in Hawaii paled in comparison to exW's community extravaganza with H2 and it lasted two more years than that one. Certainly no advertisement for simplicity since a decade is nothing in the arena of lifetime marital success. IMO it boils down to the people. The ceremony can be pretty much anything.

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Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
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I don't think the size matters - the couple matters.

 

I mean, there are people who go to Vegas and have a small wedding, but it was probably an impromptu wedding done for all the wrong reasons - probably in front of an Elvis impersonator. But then, you could have another couple marrying in Vegas - like a young couple I met a few years ago. It was classy, low cost, and nice. I had no idea that in Vegas they had packages where you could rent the gowns/tux and provide the location, pics, etc in a package deal. When she was showing us the pics, you would of never known that they went to Vegas to do it.

 

Regardless of the size, if the husband and/or wife is only focused on that "day" then IMO, their marriage is probably gonna fail. And, that's sad. Why are you gonna wear a "white" dress if you're not a virgin and/or already been having sex with the guy and/or shacking up with him?

 

My fav podcaster was talking about this the other day. We, in this generation, are the most selfish and self-centered people. We don't have "relationships". I mean, you see people getting married and having kids, but they have no values, morals, beliefs, etc...and, the kids are suffering. We have so many depressed kids cuz their parents are busy working instead of parenting. We've taken God out of our school system.

 

I said the rant ^^ because it does apply to the weddings. People are more focused on putting on a tux and/or a dress, taking pics, and throwing a big party rather than any clue as to what "vows" are. Some of them don't even go to church, yet have a ceremony infront of a priest :confused:

 

So, IMO, regardless of size what matters is what "marriage" and "family" mean to the couple. Cuz, if all you're worried about is putting on a big show for that day, then forget it...

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

It's the people & their views on the wedding & the marriage. If you go into it thinking that cost & showing off for friends & family is the most important thing, you will have problems later. If you keep your eye on the prize -- a happy fulfilling marriage -- whether you elope or have 1,000 guests will have little bearing on the outcome. It's also how you deal with any problems that inevitably creep up during the process. For example 1 month before our wedding, the best man fell ill. 3 weeks before the wedding the florist quit. 2 weeks before the wedding DH's grandmother died. The day of the limo forgot to pick up my parents. We had our share of stressors.

 

 

DH & I practically had a 3 ring circus for a wedding with 400 people invited to a lavish reception at an upscale hotel. However I worked my tail off to bring that shin-dig in on budget & ended up 22% under budget. We certainly didn't go into debt for 1 day.

 

 

Just because we had an expensive wedding I don't think had any bearing on our marriage.

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Mrlonelyone Established Member

Mrlonelyone

Posted
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I have always favored a cheap wedding if I ever get to have one. The reason is this. For me personally getting married would be about the life I want to spend with the other person. The big party and ceremony are for everyone else.

 

IF there is a correlation it is as a pervious posting said. There are some people who are in it for the big party of a wedding. The other group would be people who want to get married just so they can loose the "stigma" of having never been married after a certian age, or whatever. Last but not least the people who get married because their friends are getting married... like marriage is the new fashion trend or something.

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Leigh 87 Established Member

Leigh 87

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I think it is in really bad taste to brad about the fact you have well off parents/ or you are well off enough to afford such an extravagance.

 

 

 

 

I would politely say " well congrats on the wedding" and exit the conversation. yuck.

 

 

The kind of people who actually brag about how expensive their weddings are probably more likely to NOT have a relationship that is as good as those more humble folks who may be rich enough to have a great wedding yet care more about celebrating their love than they do bragging about the expense of the wedding

love1336x Established Member

love1336x

Posted
Posted

I've never been married before, however my girlfriend, her wedding was cheap. She spent a good amount on this girl ring, but other than that. It was a cheap marriage overall.

 

They was only married for like 7 months. It didn't even last for a year.

 

My ex supervisor had the same exact wedding as my girlfriend. They been married for about 15 years now.

 

My aunt spent 10,000 on her wedding but that was back in the 90s. She been married for almost 15 years now.

 

Um, other aunts who did a big wedding are still currently married.

 

I think it matters about the couples vs how big the wedding is.

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MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

Posted
Posted

My first marriage was under 10K, and I had about 200 people. That lasted seventeen years (probably shouldn't have).

 

This one cost me the license ($45?, don't recall), and a bottle of Patron and a $50 tip for my friend who's an ordained minister. Got married on my in laws screened in patio, and they felt 'compelled' to treat us to dinner, haha. Didn't get any toasters or blenders this time tho. :(

 

If I look at the yearly average, I'm way ahead with this one. :)

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TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
Posted
My first marriage was under 10K, and I had about 200 people. That lasted seventeen years (probably shouldn't have).

 

This one cost me the license ($45?, don't recall), and a bottle of Patron and a $50 tip for my friend who's an ordained minister. Got married on my in laws screened in patio, and they felt 'compelled' to treat us to dinner, haha. Didn't get any toasters or blenders this time tho. :(

 

If I look at the yearly average, I'm way ahead with this one. :)

 

OMG!!

We got married in a registry office, with 5 people present, and it took fewer than 15 minutes - including going in and coming out! We had lunch at a friend's restaurant (his treat) and the most expensive thing was the fuel for the car (ours!) taking us to and fro'!

 

Good fun though!! Had such a laugh, because the Registrar was so quiet in her voice, we couldn't hear her, and kept asking her to repeat everything (which added to the time! :laugh: ) What should have been a solemn (non-religious) ceremony, turned into an almost farcical comedy routine!

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MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

Posted
Posted
OMG!!

We got married in a registry office, with 5 people present, and it took fewer than 15 minutes - including going in and coming out! We had lunch at a friend's restaurant (his treat) and the most expensive thing was the fuel for the car (ours!) taking us to and fro'!

 

Good fun though!! Had such a laugh, because the Registrar was so quiet in her voice, we couldn't hear her, and kept asking her to repeat everything (which added to the time! :laugh: ) What should have been a solemn (non-religious) ceremony, turned into an almost farcical comedy routine!

 

We jokingly asked the woman who sold us our license if she could just do it on the spot, she was so nice.

 

TBH, the first wedding was for the parents. I could have (couldn't have?) cared less. I don't know if it was payback for the weddings of all my cousins they had attended (28 first cousins on my dad's side alone) or if they were truly into it. Maybe they just wanted to see me in a church again!

 

My H was married twice in front of a judge. I had to talk him into having his parents as witnesses, as it's hopefully :lmao: his last one.

 

I do want an informal do over, on the beach. A 'trash the dress' party. :) Someday.

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xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted

Emory University did a big study in 2014 with interesting results about what factors predict divorce.

 

A big wedding is correlated with lower risk of divorce: http://cdn.theatlantic.com/assets/media/img/posts/2014/10/Screen_Shot_2014_10_13_at_7.17.20_PM/bd1b2437a.png One theory is that they have a lot of family and community investment and support.

 

But an expensive wedding is correlated with higher risk for divorce: http://cdn.theatlantic.com/assets/media/img/posts/2014/10/Screen_Shot_2014_10_13_at_7.19.01_PM/b2020d367.png

 

Good luck having a huge, cheap wedding :p

 

More findings with graphs here

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wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

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Looking back, I think we spent too much money on our wedding. $5,000 was a lot of money for us back then, and we really struggled financially for the first few years.

 

Add to that the fact that my in laws insisted we invite bunch of people we barely knew because they wanted to show off, and smaller would have been much better. The damn dress alone was almost $900, weighed a ton, and I had trouble fitting in to it - we had an "unexpected surprise" about three months before the date we had everything planned for and after I had already bought the dress:laugh:

 

Mind you, we went halves on my engagement ring and both chipped in. Our honeymoon trip consisted of a four day long weekend in Quebec and Maine, me morning sick all the time..but we did get to see Bangor:p

 

We've been married about 19 years now, and maybe we'll take a second honeymoon for our 20th anniversary, but it won't be to Quebec or Bangor:lmao:

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
Mind you, we went halves on my engagement ring and both chipped in.

 

And people wonder why I haven't gotten married ever. I'm sorry, while I'm not one of those people who would splurge on rings and/or a big date, I would never marry a man and/or accept an engagement if he expected me to pitch in for our rings.

 

Call me old fashioned, I don't care...

 

If a man isn't in a position to pay for your ring, then how is he ready to take on a wife and family? What if wife when preggo is put to bed rest and can't work? Then you can't afford to fill in for the money she was making? Would you prefer your wife dump off the kid(s) in daycare/nanny/baby sitter instead? Geesh

 

Again, it's not the size of the wedding and/or the ring, IMO, it's the couple. A "man" telling me to pay for my own ring is telling me that he doesn't got my back. And no, I don't subscribe to all this modern crap about needing two incomes to make it. I've been making it on my own on my own income and own a house, car, and stuff. I could probably afford to have a kid on my own too, even on my peasant lifestyle/budget.:rolleyes:

blackcat777 Established Member

blackcat777

Posted
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My boyfriend has told me in no uncertain terms that I will be getting the marriage sack... ;)

 

I REALLY don't want a big wedding. I'd rather spend the money on a down payment for a house.

 

I think some people with big weddings are all about themselves... some people, but not all. It really does come down to the people involved.

 

I'm sure there are many low-budget weddings that also end in disaster...

cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
Posted

This one cost me the license ($45?, don't recall)

 

You need a license to get married? What do they test you on, and what pass mark is required? It sounds like a good idea, potentially...

 

Britney Spears had a tiny wedding that barely lasted five minutes. Other celebrities have colossal weddings that last no longer.

 

My first M, we got M in front of a magistrate, just us and the witnesses, and followed up with a party for our friends a few days later. M was over in a flash. H & xW similarly got M in a registry office. That ran for around 30 years.

 

This time, we had a humanist service in a special location, just us and a couple of close friends / family as witnesses, and followed up with party in a gorgeous setting, for friends & family in my country, then went on honeymoon to our favourite location. A few weeks later, when we returned to the UK, we had another party for our UK friends & family. So far, we've been together much much longer than my first M, but not yet near his first.

 

None of our weddings were traditional "white weddings" with meringue dress and church and silly cake. That's just not who we are. Neither of us are religious, the symbolism of "white weddings" appals us and none of the people we know who went the white wedding route actually enjoyed their weddings - they just felt it was something they "had to go through" for other people (usually parents).

Shining One Established Member

Shining One

Posted
Posted
If a man isn't in a position to pay for your ring, then how is he ready to take on a wife and family? What if wife when preggo is put to bed rest and can't work? Then you can't afford to fill in for the money she was making?
The dowry from the bride's parents should be enough to cover all of this.
  • Like 3
Shining One Established Member

Shining One

Posted
Posted
Good luck having a huge, cheap wedding :p
I'm from a culture that typically has huge, "cheap" weddings. I use the term cheap loosely because the weddings are expensive overall, but the cost is distributed, so it ends up costing the bride, groom, and their parents less individually. The weddings often last for three days. The extended families on both sides contribute food, labor, and other things to the event, thus cutting down on costs. These marriages tend to last a very long time and few end in divorce. I believe it has little to do with the wedding and more to do with the culture itself and how much divorce is frowned upon.
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wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

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And people wonder why I haven't gotten married ever. I'm sorry, while I'm not one of those people who would splurge on rings and/or a big date, I would never marry a man and/or accept an engagement if he expected me to pitch in for our rings.

 

Call me old fashioned, I don't care...

 

If a man isn't in a position to pay for your ring, then how is he ready to take on a wife and family? What if wife when preggo is put to bed rest and can't work? Then you can't afford to fill in for the money she was making? Would you prefer your wife dump off the kid(s) in daycare/nanny/baby sitter instead? Geesh

 

Again, it's not the size of the wedding and/or the ring, IMO, it's the couple. A "man" telling me to pay for my own ring is telling me that he doesn't got my back. And no, I don't subscribe to all this modern crap about needing two incomes to make it. I've been making it on my own on my own income and own a house, car, and stuff. I could probably afford to have a kid on my own too, even on my peasant lifestyle/budget.:rolleyes:

 

We both chipped in on the ring because we felt that as a marriage is a partnership, so should this expense be split as well.

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wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

Posted
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Posted
You need a license to get married? What do they test you on, and what pass mark is required? It sounds like a good idea, potentially...

 

Britney Spears had a tiny wedding that barely lasted five minutes. Other celebrities have colossal weddings that last no longer.

 

My first M, we got M in front of a magistrate, just us and the witnesses, and followed up with a party for our friends a few days later. M was over in a flash. H & xW similarly got M in a registry office. That ran for around 30 years.

 

This time, we had a humanist service in a special location, just us and a couple of close friends / family as witnesses, and followed up with party in a gorgeous setting, for friends & family in my country, then went on honeymoon to our favourite location. A few weeks later, when we returned to the UK, we had another party for our UK friends & family. So far, we've been together much much longer than my first M, but not yet near his first.

 

None of our weddings were traditional "white weddings" with meringue dress and church and silly cake. That's just not who we are. Neither of us are religious, the symbolism of "white weddings" appals us and none of the people we know who went the white wedding route actually enjoyed their weddings - they just felt it was something they "had to go through" for other people (usually parents).

 

A marriage license is simply a way of the state recognizing that a couple has the right to marry and also of recording and recognizing the marriage once a certificate of marriage has been granted by the state.

 

For example, first cousins would not be allowed to marry, and if they applied or a license, they would not be granted one. Neither would someone who is committing bigamy, etc.

 

It also prevent people form engaging in fraud by getting married solely for the purposes of immigration. Mind you, it doesn't always work too well in doing so.

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wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

Posted
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Posted
The dowry from the bride's parents should be enough to cover all of this.

 

Dowry?

That doesn't often happen here. Many couples pay for the wedding themselves.

Shining One Established Member

Shining One

Posted
Posted
Dowry?

That doesn't often happen here. Many couples pay for the wedding themselves.

It was meant as a joke. Dowries are part of tradition just as the man buying the woman an engagement ring. Thus, the "traditional defense" can be used for both.
  • Like 2
Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted
And people wonder why I haven't gotten married ever. I'm sorry, while I'm not one of those people who would splurge on rings and/or a big date, I would never marry a man and/or accept an engagement if he expected me to pitch in for our rings.

 

Call me old fashioned, I don't care...

 

If a man isn't in a position to pay for your ring, then how is he ready to take on a wife and family? What if wife when preggo is put to bed rest and can't work? Then you can't afford to fill in for the money she was making? Would you prefer your wife dump off the kid(s) in daycare/nanny/baby sitter instead? Geesh

 

Again, it's not the size of the wedding and/or the ring, IMO, it's the couple. A "man" telling me to pay for my own ring is telling me that he doesn't got my back. And no, I don't subscribe to all this modern crap about needing two incomes to make it. I've been making it on my own on my own income and own a house, car, and stuff. I could probably afford to have a kid on my own too, even on my peasant lifestyle/budget.:rolleyes:

 

Umm, what if the husband becomes ill and is restricted to the bed? Becomes disable? One can play this game of "what if" all day long.

 

Sorry but BOTH parties need to be prepared to be the bread winner at any point nowadays. Now this may mean funds put aside if one is a stay at home so if needed they can live off of that, or both have skills and work experience. It is a personal choice to decide to stay home and a choice between the couple.

 

And it also depends on where one lives, LA, NYC, Washingon DC, all have substantial high cost of livings where it does take, normally, two average pays to sustain a household. A six figure income is barely covering it.

 

And as a woman who has gone back to work, a career that is extremely fulfilling and financial very lucrative, it is insulting to say that I am dumping my child anywhere since it is joint decision as I do not have more rights and responsibility to our child.

 

In regards to cost of weddings, it's in the people. My first wedding cost us around 25K. We divorced a few years later. My second wedding cost 50K. We are going strong (though extremely sleep deprived from our little bundle of energy).

 

Marriage is about the two individuals and while too much focus on a wedding and not the long term can be a sign of trouble it isn't always the case. It does depend of income levels, etc. as well.

  • Like 4
MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

Posted
Posted
You need a license to get married? What do they test you on, and what pass mark is required? It sounds like a good idea, potentially...

 

I had no idea this was an odd or humorous thing. They did eliminate the blood testing. They require prooof of any prior divorces, and they're covering some other bases, as another poster pointed out.

 

 

"The Recorder of Deeds Office issues marriage licenses. Both of you must be present to apply for a marriage license. A blood test is not required in Missouri. Both of you must be at least 18 years of age to apply. You must have a driver’s license and a Social Security card. A birth certificate is not required to obtain a marriage license, however, it is required to change your last name.

 

If either of you are divorced, you must have been divorced for more than 30 days. You will need to provide your divorce date. If you plan to change your name, ask for a copy of your license to be mailed to you when you apply.

 

There is no longer a 3 day waiting period. You can take you license the same day you apply or either one of you may pick up your license at any time for up to one year.

 

Once picked up, the license must be used within 30 days and is only valid if the ceremony is performed in the State of Missouri. A Missouri marriage license is valid anywhere in Missouri. Your Officiant will mail your license to the Recorder of Deeds or Vital Records and give your Marriage Certificate to you. Both must be signed by your witnesses. Your witnesses must be at least 18 years of age."

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