New to relationships, 7 months in and not sure if right or not

[Key23]

Hello, I am new to dating, had been mildly sexually active but never in a situation where someone considered me their boyfriend until about 7 months ago. I am 26.

 

I met my girlfriend at a bar and we went home together and had sex the same night we met. To spare a long story, my living situation at that time was precarious and my things were packed and in storage (I am financially comfortable, but was temporarily living with a friend.) Anyway, I essentially moved in with her the same night we met and we've been living together ever since.

 

I lost my father 2 years ago and was doing "fair" to "poor" emotionally (when my girlfriend and I met.) I was suffering from pretty severe depression and was living alone and hours away from family. With a friend's help, I pulled myself up and started taking a small dose of SSRI. It gave me enough synthetic courage to go out and try to meet women.

 

Funny enough, my gf is not a fan of bars, nor am I, but the stars lined up and we met. She is very loving, compassionate always wants to cuddle and lay around,warm and affectionate etc.. The appeal was not as much in sexual attraction, but to be loved and held by a woman after being so spirtually and emotionally depleted for quite a long stretch of time.

 

Anyway, she fills the more sentimental side of love very well and that was what I needed most at the time.

 

My issues now have to do with my lack of passionate, more sexual attraction to her. The pros and cons are a bit like so, also shes 22 and Im 26

 

Pros:

Loyal, loving, compassionate, lovable, would make a loving mother, makes me feel very comfortable, loves to please, interested in learning and exploring, adventurous, communication very natural.

 

Cons:

Very insecure in both looks and ability-potential despite being at least average if not above average in both. Very often seeks to blame others for her problems. Wants to be good at things that take a lot of time and effort, but doesn't do the work and then feels sorry for herself for being "bad" at them. Takes help or direction as criticism and becomes defensive. Very quick to jump to negative conclusions often directed back at herself with her as the victim. Prone to extreme jealousy. Emotional touchiness can make it difficult to explain things from a logical basis. From a somewhat priveleged and sheltered background so a little out of touch with the effort required to simply survive in the world. Not likely to become self-sufficient, this is further enabled by her family as she is comfortably employed by her aunt and is paid quite well for having no applicable specialty. Not often understanding enough of my occasional need for space.

 

Many of these things she slowly improves at and many of these problems I can relate to, have had, or still struggle with etc.. The issue is, I can see a lot of her issues but have to hold back what I say as to not become too "Daddish" or preachy. I think she will overcome many of these things in time, as she most importantly expresses a desire to work on herself, which not all or many possess. A lot of these things are classic symptoms of the age she is (not to mention common symptoms of my generation,)

 

But the problems occur when, in the midst of me waiting for her to grow up more, I become turned off and sometimes have trouble giving affection.

 

I should mention that I am on 20 mg of Fluoxetine (prozac,) and that I have noticed some of the typical sexual side effects.

 

Anyway, it is often difficult to climax during sex with her or to even feel excited for it. Also, if I do not climax, she takes it very personally so that makes me dread sex a bit and makes me more nervous. My physical attraction to her has always been what I'd describe as "adequate," so I don't know if it's her or the anti depressants or me...

 

Also, sexiness is not entirely physical for me, and she does not quite stimulate me from an intellectual angle, which has always been important for me. Perhaps she just isn't putting enough exertion into things ans will find her way eventually, she is not stupid, just bit oblivious and her insecurity has somewhat stunted her desire to give things the amount of effort they often require. I don't know, I've always been a loyal person and willing to work through things, but does this sound ridiculous?

 

 

Also, I masturbate maybe 3 times a week and do not watch porn regularly. As an effort to improve our sex life, I quit porn a few months ago and it helped a bit but isnt a full solution.

 

I plan to get off the antidepressents this summer, and will

Not make any decisions until then. However, in the meantime, I'm very new to dating and do not have many to talk with about it.

 

Thanks

Edited April 24, 2016 by Key23

[smackie9]

First off seek medical advice on your sex issue. Second I feel you both are suffering from codependency. You both are using this relationship as a crutch to deal with your emotional issues. It's turning unhealthy and something is gonna give. Work on communication and personal space. Having time to go do your own thing might take some of the weight off. If things get worse you may have to find your own place and learn to be happy,single living on your own.

[Key23]

Well, I realized we hadn't been connecting during sex. After a fight last night we had groundbreaking-for-us and amazing sex. All it took was slowing down and making sure we were both in rhythm. I came twice and again this morning.

 

Thank you for the response, I might agree with you on there being some dependency, but I could be happy on my own just fine, and she is getting over lot of these problems slowly but surely. Posting here was a good way to vent, but things have gone about as well as they could for us living together in a close quarters Chicago studio apartment for seven months beginning two hours after meeting. I masturbated to porn almost every day for like.. 10 years? This actually does have some bad side effects, which I think are just now starting to get worked out. It feels like my mind is slowly allowing itself to base it's pleasure processing on the real life factors of sex, rather than some Pavlovian computer screen telling me when to cum.

[Larryville]

WTF, is this another scam post, seriously!?

[Key23]

Nah, not a scam, just didn't realize I had been living in a negative sexual paradigm. The porn had me accustomed to masturbation, so I was essentially doing the same thing (but inside her,) when we slowed down and looked each other in the eyes, it became a working sexual conversation rather than talking AT each other. Anyway, it was/is a psychological problem, but is clearly on its way out. An entire adolesence of masturbating sprinkled with a handful of uninspiring one night stands can jade a guy's sexual perceptions. Honestly, seven months of being in a relationship and abstaining from porn was the cure, and seems like a reasonable amount of time that sort of reprogramming might take.

 

I read another post where someone described the same experience with porn and desensitization. I'd warn other guys having a similar experience to make sure that is not the case before taking action.