How does one get over destructive relationship other than suicide?

[SweetJulia]

I had posted here a while back about my boyfriend being into underage porn.

 

I am broke up with him now.

 

I bumped into him rollerblading last Sunday.

I didn't stop, he ran after me.

He said I looked great and said there was a reason we saw each other.

I was feeling upset and left.

 

It has really troubled me.

 

I know I can't go back with him.

Why did he say that to me?

 

We went out on and off, for 4 years.

It was a very toxic, destructive relationship.

Since we broke up, I feel awful about myself, about men.

 

I feel the only thing that counts for men is sex.

 

I feel I will never be able to trust any man.

If I didn't have my son, I don't think I would be here today.

I want to believe, but it is so hard.

 

How can someone lie, cheat, meet with other girls on trips. Look at naked 12, 13 year old girls.

 

Is that human nature.

Is life worth living with all this ugliness.

 

When a woman gets older, is her life over.

Will her mate leave her for young girl.

 

Why can't I move on?

I still have feelings for him. Why.

How can I stop having feelings for him?

He was very manipulative and selfish.

I am an intelligent woman, but I can't be objective at all about him.

 

I see therapist.

 

I would appreciate any help you can give me.

[westernxer]

He's manipulating you again, saying you bumped into each other for a reason. Hogwash. Looks like he's at it again...

 

You must like torturing yourself, putting up with that sort of behavior for four years.

 

Why can't you move on? You said so yourself... you still have feelings for him, and he knows how to push every button in your body.

 

You need to stop feeling for him, and understand that you deserve better. Until you do so, you'll never get over the hump.

 

It all starts with you.

[AndrewJ]

wise words westernxer!

[SweetJulia]

You are right.

I deserve better.

I deserve better.

I deserve better.

I deserve better.

I deserve better.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

BTW what does hogwash mean?

(sorry I French speaking)

[westernxer]

Hogwash is another way of saying rubbish, or bullsh*t.

[ggallin13]

Originally posted by SweetJulia

I had posted here a while back about my boyfriend being into underage porn.

 

....He said I looked great and said there was a reason we saw each other.

I was feeling upset and left

 

It has really troubled me.

 

I know I can't go back with him.

Why did he say that to me?

 

He said that to you because he is manipulative.

 

We went out on and off, for 4 years.

It was a very toxic, destructive relationship.

Since we broke up, I feel awful about myself, about men.

 

Normal, but try to remember that all men are NOT like him, and because you got away from him it shows that you have self-respect. Never forget that you deserve better! Don't be too hard on yourself. It isn't your fault that you want to be rid of a destructive relationship.

 

I feel the only thing that counts for men is sex.

 

Honestly, that is true sometimes. There are men out there who don't feel that way, and you will find one.

 

....How can someone lie, cheat, meet with other girls on trips. Look at naked 12, 13 year old girls. Is that human nature. Is life worth living with all this ugliness.

 

Because he is a sick f**k. I would have turned him in to the cops. I don't care if it was my best friend, my father, my brother, or an aquaintance, I'd turn him in.

 

Yes, life is worth living, always. Don't deprive yourself of something great because he is a mess.

 

When a woman gets older, is her life over.

Will her mate leave her for young girl.

 

It's possible. There are no guarantees in life. I wouldn't do that, I don't think that any of my friends would, but you never know. It seems that the more you value yourself the more people want to keep you around. You will naturally do the things that keep a man around.

 

Why can't I move on?

I still have feelings for him. Why.

How can I stop having feelings for him?

He was very manipulative and selfish.

I am an intelligent woman, but I can't be objective at all about him.

 

I think that's normal. There are so many factors surrounding break-ups it is hard to separate them. But you already have done the right thing by leaving, and realizing that he is bad for you. In time it won't be that bad. Don't be too hard on yourself for how you feel.

 

I see therapist.

 

I would appreciate any help you can give me.

 

Focus on the fact that you are no longer with a sick, manipulative perv. Keep being a good mom, don't be too hard on yourself, and let the cycle run its course. You'll be happy again in no time, and you'll meet someone who deserves you.

[moimeme]

When a woman gets older, is her life over.

 

Absolutely not. Women achieve things right into their dotage. Barbara Cartland was writing a book when she died at 99 - 160 of her books have yet to be published!

 

A lot of women begin their most productive years post-menopausally when the kids are grown and they can devote time to accomplishing the things they want to accomplish.

[Kandra]

You need to snap out of it girl - this guy is no good - why read anything into his comments at all? Get away from him and avoid places you could run into him. Get him out of your system and stop having pity parties - life goes on.

 

His bizarre interests in underage porn is not your problem - it's his. Get rid of him, stay away from him and get over him. Stop torturing yourself and allowing him to push your buttons.

[SweetJulia]

It's easy to accuse someone of pity party.

 

You are not the one with suicide thoughts many hours in a day.

[ollydolly]

Dear Julia, you sound very depressed.

I know when one is depressed everything in the world looks ugly, harsh and cold.

You did the right thing dumping this guy. If you can do the right thing once, you can do it again.

There are men out there who are good, loving, honest and moral - yes, they are hard to find, but they are there!

 

I met my man at a political forum and because we valued the same ideals we fell in love. Get involved in things you are interested in, or good at, I know when you are depressed nothing seems very interesting, but push yourself a little bit - then allow good things to come into your life again.

 

Suicide leaves such a terrible legacy on children - the main one being that life is not worth living. You don't want to send that message to your son. Even if he is the only reason you are still here, that is a good reason for now.

 

Hold on to life tightly - fight for it especially when it's hard. You can pick yourself up again little by little and one day meet someone more worthy of your feelings.

[SweetJulia]

I find that your replies very often make a lot of sense.

You seem like really strong person emotionally.

 

How are you like that.

Have you been hurt in past relationships and now are stronger or you have always been such individual?

 

I wish I could be as strong.

 

I feel I that once I get attached, it is hard to let go for me evenif person is hurtful.

[westernxer]

Thanks for the compliment, SweetJulia. (I can also piss people off, sometimes on purpose, sometimes because they need it, and sometimes because they like getting pissed off.)

 

I learn the same way everyone else does. Through experience. The key is to not let it make you bitter. Love isn't fair for anyone, and it can certainly take an emotional toll, but that shouldn't stop you from being the person you want to be.

 

I don't know if I'm emotionally strong, but I know what makes me tick, and I stick with it. I'm easy to please, but... I don't know.

 

Pain is inevitable. Those who accept this have an easier time dealing with life's little shadows. I guess it just takes time, but we learn at our own pace. Some people never learn. I don't want to be one of those people.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Salut, SweetJulia de ton Romeo T'es française?

 

Originally posted by SweetJulia

I feel I that once I get attached, it is hard to let go for me evenif person is hurtful.

 

A lot of us feel like that. Most of the time, it's good to have such a faithful heart, but it makes these situations more painful.

 

The reality is that the pain diminishes with time. Every day you wake up thinking of them, but each month it is a little less. Until one morning you wake up and you're not thinking of them anymore.

[Mz. Pixie]

"Pain is inevitable. Those who accept this have an easier time dealing with life's little shadows"

 

This is sooooo true.

 

Julia, I've had tremendous pain in my life from a dysfunctional childhood and several kinds of abuse. I was married for 13 years and it didn't work out. I had everyone who had been in my life for 18 years gone in a snap!

 

You said you were seeing a therapist, which is great. I would suggest asking about some medication.

 

No one is worth your life! There is always something else out there. You need to learn to love yourself or no one else will. You have done the right thing here- this guy was a sicko.

 

Also, focus on who would be hurt if you were not on this earth anymore- such as your parents or your best friend or even your pet!

 

This too shall pass, honey- I promise. It may feel like it won't but it will!

[SweetJulia]

Thank you all for replies. It helped me very much.

 

Tonight I am not feeling too well, so I write here.

 

I received e-mails from him at my 3 e-mail addresses.

He was inviting me through yahoo to join a chat group on yahoo or something, to join his friends at hi something.

I deleted all messages.

 

I don't want to talk to him, to see him, to e-mail him.

 

Why does he send me that at midnight?

 

Also, if someone looks at that kind of porn, and then says they don't do it anymore, are they telling the truth?

Why look at that?

 

I don't really want to know I guess.

 

Thank you for helping me.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by SweetJulia

Why does he send me that at midnight?

 

Because he's horny.

[ollydolly]

Because he's horny.

 

LOL - sometimes westernxer you are such a hard case!

[SweetJulia]

I have not written in a while.

I was trying to get better.

 

I find it so hard these days.

 

I question myself a lot. I say to myself, maybe it didn't work out because I never moved in with him.

If I had, maybe he would not have seen other girls.

 

Maybe he got tired of me not moving in with him.

 

Maybe I have a problem and I can't be in a relationship.

 

How do I stop kinking about him and all the bad things that happened.

 

I am really confused.

 

I feel I'm really insecure, I always have been.

I feel like weak person.

I'm not sure what purpose I serve.

 

I look at Loveshack every morning when I get up to go through my day and at before o bed to get some kind of peace.

 

I don't know how long I can hold on like this.

[Outcast]

What does your therapist say? Are you following his (her?) directions? This guy was a BAD GUY if he's into kid porn. NOTHING you did caused that. It's good he's gone. Repeat that - it's good he's gone.

 

But if your therapy isn't working, tell your therapist and ask for a different treatment.

[lindya]

Part of loving someone involves accepting them. Unfortunately, people do sometimes mistake this for meaning that you have to accept behaviour that you find deviant or distressing. You don't - and that's not called love; it's called sacrificing your own principles and identity in order to remain in a relationship.

 

I think perhaps you've done that here. In order to carry on loving this man, you rationalised some of the behaviour, and started questioning whether you did something to help cause it. Do you honestly believe that he looks at underage porn because of something you did or didn't do? If you do think that, then that's something to discuss with your therapist. Part of his or her job is to help identify destructive thinking patterns and work out how you can stop yourself from falling into them.

 

You've said:

 

1. I'm weak

2. I'm insecure

3. Im not sure what purpose I serve.

 

You could say that about absolutely anybody. One person's "weak and insecure" is another person's "gentle and sensitive." We all have a basic temperament, and each temperament has it's pros and cons. Are you creative? Caring? Intuitive? Rather than battering yourself with harsh words, think of the positive aspects of the type of character you personally possess. Yes, there may be insecurities and destructive patterns of behaviour that you need to discuss with your therapist. A combination of traumatic experiences and a fairly sensitive nature can leave many people in that position. It's not something to be ashamed of, it's something to be dealt with.

 

As for the purpose you serve; well, what purpose do any of us serve? We just have to find one. Right now, though, your main purpose should involve working with your therapist and following to the letter all the things people are advised to do when suffering from depression. Broadly, make sure you have a daily routine, and punctuate it with as many pleasant things (good food, relaxing walks, an absorbing book or a funny film) as possible.

[SweetJulia]

Just to say I am doing better.

 

My ex was a narcissist, I think that is what makes the breakup so hard.

 

I never knew about this personality disorder, but that is exactly what he was.

 

I find it hard to regain my self esteem after all the lies, all the cheating, the emotional rollercoaster.

 

How can those people be so cruel?

 

How do they sleep at night?

[JS17]

You're going through a really hard time. Keep reminding yourself how much your child needs you and loves you and take it day by day. Your son is far more important than any man. He needs you to be well, to get yourself better. Keep up with your therapy and again, if it's not working ask for another treatment or find another therapist.

 

I find it hard to regain my self esteem after all the lies, all the cheating, the emotional rollercoaster.

 

How can those people be so cruel?

 

How do they sleep at night?

 

It's really hard to regain self esteem and trust after being lied to and cheated on, really hard. I haven't even figured it out myself. Some people are just mean and cruel and there's nothing we can do to change them, all we can do is try to stay away from them. I know that some days are better than others and there are people (and my kittens ) who count on me to be there and to be the best me that I can muster up even when I don't want to. The only thing that I know is that life is worth living and that you can't appreciate all the beauty in life without some pain.