bewilderedandhurt Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 please help me to keep my sanity. i was with someone for 5 years..they are now engaged to someone else and got engage 7 months after our break up. and they have been engaged for 5 months. for us, it was one of those ending where i cried and they kept giving me less and less of themselves because they had someone and they were strong and didnt want to deal with my emotions and the promises they broke to me. and so, they got so cold till all contact was broken. my ex was so adament that we couldnt be friends because he was now engaged, etc. the months leading up to the engagement contact was slim and none too. the last thing he said to me (after we exchanged the things we felt belonged to each us, though postal mail) was, "this is the last business contact needed and last message" (he said this to me through an email when notifying me that some more of my things were on their way) i received my items but didnt call to tell him i got them because i didnt want him to go and feel i was using even a mere thank you, as an excuse to contact him. he had me almost that nervous about it. so basically i felt i was respecting his wishes and let it go at that. sounded pretty final, right? and so i did No contact and tried to piece my life back together. this was a long distance thing that was once had just FYI. ok, so after 2 months, out of the blue this person who was so adament that we couldnt be friends because they were engaged, instant messages me and writes: "ok you are alive thats a good thing". apparently they saw me on their buddy list when they reactivated their account after several months. but honestly i think they saw me under another account we both have..but who knows. i didnt say anything again, because i was in shock and was thinking, why are they contacting me now out of the blue when i thought they would NEVER talk to me again. (they must have been lonely one night...who knows) . you tell me , please. their fiance is in another country and they are waiting on the visa for her to enter. i knew better that to start up conversation (because from what i know the engagment is still on and fine), and i dont want to have false hope or ever get hurt like that again. so i didnt respond and 3 days went by. the on the 3rd day i got another instant message asking me if i still played this game that we both enjoyed. well 24 hrs later i replied to that instant message. but by email (because 24 hours had gone by) and i said, "yes, i still play the game". to which i got a return email from them saying: "i am so sorry I bother you". ok someone please tell me what that meant. any man woman or child who has the answer, or good guesstimate, please come forth. and please suggest what i should possibly say next? i dont want too much time to pass. any advise would be appreciated.
westernxer Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 You had a long distance relationship for FIVE YEARS?
bewilderedandhurt Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 yes westernxer. so any thoughts on the contact/comments he made and what kind of response i might wanta consider? would appreciate an opinion. thanks
westernxer Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 Get out of that relationship. It's long distance, for crying out loud. An utter waste of time and effort. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise.
ishouldgiveup Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Get out of that relationship. It's long distance, for crying out loud. An utter waste of time and effort. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise. Did you ever read her post? She made it very clear that their relationship previously ended and that he's been engaged to someone for the past 5 months - so why are you suggesting she get out of the relationship? to the original poster, I would suggest you just completely ignore him - or send him back an email that's as terse and cold as the one he previously sent to you (the one where he told you that that would be his last contact with you) -telling him that that's YOUR last email to him because you're not into having conversations or communication with men who are engaged to be married. Don't try to interpret why he's now contacting you and trying to get some communication going. It doesn't matter. Only he knows why he's doing it. It could be that he's realizing the grass wasn't as green on the other side, it could be that he's a dog and think it's might be cool to have a secret relationship with you, it could be that he's just lonely and wanting to talk. But the bottom line is, he made his bed and now he has to lie in it. He ended your 5 yr long relationship, he met someone and became engaged to them not that long after being with you - he's committed himself to another woman, to marry her - so he has no business going behind her back and trying to talk to you, that's dirty and deceitful. How did you 2 have a real relationship if it was long distance for a whopping period of 5 yrs? How can it be a real relationship when you're not able to spend lots of quality time together? How can you really know someone enough to have a relationship with them if you're living far apart ? Why in all those 5 yrs didn't either of you make an attempt to relocate to be where the other was? How often did you even get to see one another in those 5 yrs?
westernxer Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 Originally posted by ishouldgiveup Did you ever read her post? She made it very clear that their relationship previously ended and that he's been engaged to someone for the past 5 months - so why are you suggesting she get out of the relationship? If it ended, then why is she concerned about him and the new girl in town? She's still hoping, and he's in another country, and this is such a joke.
bewilderedandhurt Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 hi again._ thank you both for responding._ thank you "ishouldgiveup". i really want to comment on what you said...but first, maybe i didnt make my self clear westernxer._ he is in this country._ the girl hes engaged to is from another country._ and shes to come into this country on a visa. i am not happy about my story. there is shame , guilt, remorse tears and i tired to seek help on another post this week, but that post was way too lengthy.._ i am feeling i am in need of what i might specially say to this person who, out of the blue, tried to contact me again. NOT me trying to contact them._ yes i still habor feelings for him , i was/suspect still am in love and took a deep blow when having my dreams with this man shattered._ i miss the friendship too, that i thought we had. but for more details i guess you could read at the other post. but it is lengthy. apparently i look like a horrible person in that post too because when i first met this person (ishouldgiveup) i was still in my broken, non relationship marriage._ i explain that (and this is NO excuse)_ i was very vulnerable when we met. and suffering with a disability i as trying to come to terms with. will try to give you the condensed version: i fell very deeply in love with this man who unexpectedly made his way successfully into my life._ i thought, planned and was utterly convinced , by him, i was going to have a future with him, once my divorce went through. ugh i hate this story myself. anyway the relationship went on long distance for that many years because 1. i had a disability and moved slower..literally and trouble concentrating._ 2. i had my kids to take care of ...3. we were in separate states, 4. i needed to settle things from my homefront vantage point..medical insurance issues, fiancial issues._ etc. to answer your questions (ishouldgiveup) 1)How can you really know someone enough to have a relationship with them if you're living far apart ? Answer:_ Amen. i apparently didnt know them like i thought i did, since i thought they would never leave me._ but we talked everyday via email and phone and had visits from time to time. all i can say is people believe in the lord and cant see him but feel him through there personal experiences. we bonded in every real sense. i apparantly more than he. 2)How can it be a real relationship when you're not able to spend lots of quality time together? This is true, but its also true you can have a real relationship when your thoughts, heart and emotions are expressed through emails and telephone correspondance and in person. periodically. 3)Why in all those 5 yrs didn't either of you make an attempt to relocate to be where the other was?_ good question... answer:_ on my part i had children in school and i was sick. and in physcial rehab. and trying to finish business in a disolved marriage. i felt at that time very rejected by my spouse when stuck with my disorder , in terms of not being able to be the same active homemarker/wife i once was._ this is very painful to even relive in my mind while typing this . the bottom line i was trying to come to terms with the mess my life became when i got sick, allowed him into my life, and but not being able to expedite moving into a new life sooner._ he said he understood though and would wait. there were something he didnt understand though because he was not as involved with his children as i was with mine...and me being a mom. oh,_ i have no idea why he didnt move my way._ that always used to bother me. he said he was going to but then at the last minute took a job where he lived._ and said i had to move.........sighs. i am so ashamed of how stupid i became in life. and how defeated and rejected i have come to feel today. anyway... all i have been trying to do was find out what to say to him now after this contact he made. i am emotionally drained for working towards everything all these years to get to him, only to get jilted at the last minute. now i try to come to terms that i not only lost this dream but the friend i thought i had all these years and probably the one person i was in contact with more than anyone. PS when you get older..or sick..friends move on and i didnt have many people around me and so he i thought was my best friend. (but if you read more about us he wasnt a completely honest person either) he was also lonely and didnt get out much because he was very overweight and self conscious. anyway.. i got him through many bad periods his own life, to him telling me a few motnhs ago. that we cant even say hi and goodbye once and a while online and be friends in any way. ..to him now making contact, with me out of the blue. but of course i have yearned for contact for so long i didnt want to blow this chance...... but i also didnt want to be dragged through more emotional muck just when he had this sudden whim._ there's not much i left except my faith (even tho i am looked at as the "sinner', if you read my other post) and of course my loved ones are here and in good health. thank God. _ but my heart is broken and my spirit is too....i feel crushed without him. and i just want to know why would this person be contacting me again when they were so adament and what to say..to be left with some dignity, strength and peace between us and inside._ but i guess when it all comes down to it..until i am completely over him...i dont feel the happiness and hope i once felt...even if i was insecure when with him, when we were together. because he didnt always "disclose" things. there were years of loving experiences...memories.got each other through family traumas ..etc. although honestly i was the one who gave most of the comforting etc..but it made me feel more useful. sorry for the confusion._ this was supposed to be a much shorter post._ i just wanted know what to say to this guy and wanted to get a guess why he said anything himself to me to begin with to unearth any contact again._ thank you for the time it took to read this. ps. i finally wrote back "no bother" because i wanted to get an aswer to him finally. now i feel stupid again. because this could sound like i am saying "no bother" you can come in and out of my life anytime and confuse me and sahke my foundation and get away with it....or 2) it could sound like "no bother" as in you dont bother me. now my new question is....do i look like more of a jerk for writing that in a guys mind? sorry i didnt get your advise before i made the desion to say something afterall.
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