Boyfriend Won't Marry My Friend After Three Years

[katiegrl]

So I am asking this on behalf my friend .... to get more perspectives.

 

She has been dating her boyfriend ...three years in May.

 

She is mid-30s (so is he), and she has been wanting to get married since year one.

 

She bugs him about it at every turn. Do does his mom!

 

He keeps putting her off, saying "be patient it will happen."

 

He has a great job, owns a home, makes good money so it's not that.

 

Anyway, a few months ago we were all out and apparently his friend was speaking to him about it and he said "Yeah, Xxxx (my friend) has been bugging me about it."

 

She told me he has implied, not actually said, they will get engaged this year.

 

So now she is 100% expecting a ring next month on her birthday!

 

I asked what she will do if that doesn't happen, and she said she didn't know but was sure a ring would be forthcoming.

 

I dunno it sounds to me like he may be stringing her along, but I don't know!

 

What do y'all think?

 

I don't like what he told his friend about her bugging him about it.

 

Thoughts?

[smackie9]

Think about it....if someone was constantly badgering you about giving them something it would be off putting wouldn't it??? Your friend is making herself look selfish, like it's all about this damn ring when she should be focusing on the relationship, goals, etc. She needs to back off and realize this isn't just about her.

[candie13]

So I am asking this on behalf my friend .... to get more perspectives.

 

She has been dating her boyfriend ...three years in May.

 

She is mid-30s (so is he), and she has been wanting to get married since year one.

 

She bugs him about it at every turn. Do does his mom!

 

He keeps putting her off, saying "be patient it will happen."

 

He has a great job, owns a home, makes good money so it's not that.

 

Anyway, a few months ago we were all out and apparently his friend was speaking to him about it and he said "Yeah, Xxxx (my friend) has been bugging me about it."

 

She told me he has implied, not actually said, they will get engaged this year.

 

So now she is 100% expecting a ring next month on her birthday!

 

I asked what she will do if that doesn't happen, and she said she didn't know but was sure a ring would be forthcoming.

 

I dunno it sounds to me like he may be stringing her along, but I don't know!

 

What do y'all think?

 

I don't like what he told his friend about her bugging him about it.

 

Thoughts?

I am not an expert in male psychology, but rarely men look forward to the ring etc. So... if she insisted and was obvious enough, there are chances she might get it.

 

IT all depends on the dude. It may be that the dude shows up with a pair of lovely diamond earrings and shuts her up, buying himself another year of RS.

 

I'm conflicted about this. There's a book for your friend, called "why men marry some women - and not others". might be helpful. Some interesting approaches that apparently worked on men.

 

I think one needs to be practical and down-to-earth in such matters and find the right angle. I personally am a dreamer and I have ****ed up a RS when the dude didn't show up with the ring when I was expecting it. But then... I dunno, to me it's important to feel my partner wants / is dying to get married, like I am.

 

I understand that some men can be profoundly inlove yet fear that step. It's a big one. Can't help, I'm afraid.

 

I'd buy the book and wait to see how things go for the birthday. But then... see, if she has expectations, it's her own fault for having them. There's no rule, no contract saying he has to buy the ring. In my humble opinion, nothing is worth an honest talk.

 

IF the dude gives a firm no, she can start to pull out of the RS gradually and reconsider her position. Proceed with care. Read that book, really good.

[Emilia]

I think that the advice that is given in these cases should be the same here as well: this is just gossip, you don't know what goes down between two people when the door is closed. stay out of it.

[katiegrl]

Think about it....if someone was constantly badgering you about giving them something it would be off putting wouldn't it??? Your friend is making herself look selfish, like it's all about this damn ring when she should be focusing on the relationship, goals, etc. She needs to back off and realize this isn't just about her.

 

Oh I agree and told her that, but nevertheless what about my question?

 

Do you think he is stringing her along?

 

Or do you think if she, his mom, his friends, her friends, all backed off, he will marry her?

 

I mean, it has been three years now, and if they had gotten engaged, say last year, no one would be bugging him about it.

 

I feel like she is going to get her heart broken.

[candie13]

Oh I agree and told her that, but nevertheless what about my question?

 

Do you think he is stringing her along?

 

Or do you think if she, his mom, his friends, her friends, all backed off, he will marry her?

 

I mean, it has been three years now, and if they had gotten engaged, say last year, no one would be bugging him about it.

 

I feel like she is going to get her heart broken.

 

she'll survive. Putting pressure on him might work on weak men and be a total and utter turn off for others.

 

It's called "stringing along" only if the dude said he would marry her. It seems he never implied that. A three years RS doesn't mean marriage. Talking about marriage means marriage. He does not have to come up with a ring only because he's exclusive with her for 3 years.

[CarrieT]

Oh I agree and told her that, but nevertheless what about my question?

 

Do you think he is stringing her along?

(

He might not have been, but with the constant badgering, is now wondering what type of marriage he will have with someone who is so short-sighted.

 

Will he marry her if she and his family back-off? Who knows... If I were the guy, I would probably be having second thoughts about her if everyone is badgering me.

 

He might be the type of person for whom badgering just produces the opposite effect.

[katiegrl]

I think that the advice that is given in these cases should be the same here as well: this is just gossip, you don't know what goes down between two people when the door is closed. stay out of it.

 

Well actually I do know what goes down between them, she tells me everything!

 

They fight a lot for one thing ... like huge, she threw him out of the car once or twice.

 

They are quite close though, spend lots of time together.

 

I dunno Emilia, she is my friend and I care about her and don't want to see her getting heart broken.

 

Although there is nothing I can do about it, I am just anxious for her cuz her bday is coming up very soon.

[SammySammy]

Think about it....if someone was constantly badgering you about giving them something it would be off putting wouldn't it??? Your friend is making herself look selfish, like it's all about this damn ring when she should be focusing on the relationship, goals, etc. She needs to back off and realize this isn't just about her.

 

Agreed.

 

Sounds like she IS bugging him about it. Which makes her less likely to get married. Who wants to be pressured into marriage?

 

She needs to relax.

[elaine567]

I feel like she is going to get her heart broken.

 

I think so too, if not sooner then later.

Getting married is not his idea, other people seem to have made

that decision for him and he is supposed to now comply.

Not a great basis for a marriage.

[katiegrl]

she'll survive. Putting pressure on him might work on weak men and be a total and utter turn off for others.

 

It's called "stringing along" only if the dude said he would marry her. It seems he never implied that. A three years RS doesn't mean marriage. Talking about marriage means marriage. He does not have to come up with a ring only because he's exclusive with her for 3 years.

 

Oh no, please re-read my original post ........ he has flat out told her he WILL marry her! That it WILL happen but to be patient.

 

He has been saying this for 1.5 years.

 

He has *implied* this year which is why she is expecting a ring on her bday next month.

Edited April 24, 2016 by katiegrl

[smackie9]

I have a friend, where his GF had even wakened him up in the middle of the night screaming at him because he hasn't gotten her a ring yet. It made him think that this has nothing to do with her wanting to spend their life together, but her fat ego because all her friends were getting married. It made him sad and disappointment every time she started in on him about a ring. He thought about leaving the relationship a few times because of it.

 

No one wants to get married if you are fighting about crap like that. Your friend needs to stop it or it will back fire on her. Also she needs to drop her expectation that she is getting a ring for her Bday...she's being crazy.

[katiegrl]

She doesn't bug as much anymore. She knows it is only pushing him in opposite direction.

 

Now, it is HIS mom and HIS friends bugging him.

 

Everyone is wondering when the hell they are gonna get married.

 

No one gets why he won't.

 

Strange situation.

 

Oh well, guess we will all find out soon enough because I am fairly certain HE knows she is expecting a ring on her birthday, which will be their three year anniversary as well.

[Bluboy]

Agreed.

 

Sounds like she IS bugging him about it. Which makes her less likely to get married. Who wants to be pressured into marriage?

 

She needs to relax.

Come on. After 3 years? She has every reason to ask. What's the point of the relationship then?

 

Some of you shouldn't be giving advice here. Seriously.

[smackie9]

Come on. After 3 years? She has every reason to ask. What's the point of the relationship then?

 

Some of you shouldn't be giving advice here. Seriously.

Well then if that's the case she should have dumped him a long time ago. Don't put all this on him she could have walked.

[d0nnivain]

Is he generally a truthful person? If so you & she need to trust that he has not be lying to her. If he otherwise communicates clearly even through the fights at least believe that if he really didn't want to marry her he'd say so outright.

 

 

In the end its up to her. I stuck around far too long with a guy waiting for a proposal that never came. I hope she doesn't make my mistake.

[CarrieT]

I'm curious about the fights you are describing - to the extent that she is potentially being physically abusive?

 

Honestly, it sounds like they may not be a good match and his promises to marry might have been under coercion or duress during a fight.

[katiegrl]

I'm curious about the fights you are describing - to the extent that she is potentially being physically abusive?

 

Honestly, it sounds like they may not be a good match and his promises to marry might have been under coercion or duress during a fight.

 

No there is no physical violence going on.

 

Just lots of yelling and demanding he get out of car... when she is mad.

 

Happened a couple of times..

 

But when not fighting, they get along very well.

 

They're a great couple!

 

Maybe he will come though ....hope so.

[katiegrl]

Is he generally a truthful person? If so you & she need to trust that he has not be lying to her. If he otherwise communicates clearly even through the fights at least believe that if he really didn't want to marry her he'd say so outright.

 

 

In the end its up to her. I stuck around far too long with a guy waiting for a proposal that never came. I hope she doesn't make my mistake.

 

How long is too long?

[d0nnivain]

How long is too long?

 

 

Varies from person to person. I was with the guy for 10+ years. It was relatively casual in the beginning. By the end at least the last 3 years he knew I wanted to get married but he didn't. He's still not married & probably never will be.

[CarrieT]

I dunno... First you said this:

 

They fight a lot for one thing ... like huge, she threw him out of the car once or twice.

 

But then it is softened to this:

 

Just lots of yelling and demanding he get out of car... when she is mad.

 

Happened a couple of times..

 

Lots of fights? Throwing him out of a car "once or twice?"

 

I think you are making excuses for her, honestly.

[katiegrl]

I dunno... First you said this:

 

 

 

But then it is softened to this:

 

 

 

Lots of fights? Throwing him out of a car "once or twice?"

 

I think you are making excuses for her, honestly.

 

I know. You are right I am.

 

It doesn't look good for her (them) honestly. I mean there is more that I should not share here.

 

What concerns me is he keeps telling her they WILL get married, be patient.

 

But what is he waiting for?

 

He is already established professionaly.

 

My gut tells me is he stringing her along and has no intention of marrying her.

 

That she is not the one.

 

My brother met a woman just last year, and they are getting married in July. He is mid-30s also.

 

I know everyone is different but I just don't have a good feeling at all.

 

I was hoping I was wrong so came on here asking others.

 

I can see it; she can't.

 

I hope I am wrong though, she willl be devastated.

[saturn333]

So I am asking this on behalf my friend .... to get more perspectives.

 

She has been dating her boyfriend ...three years in May.

 

She is mid-30s (so is he), and she has been wanting to get married since year one.

 

From my own experience: I've been with my bf for over 3 years. We're in our late 30s. He doesn't talk about our future, never asked me to marry him. He has ED, which has made the relationship pretty difficult too. I feel pretty worn down with it all. Bought up our future/marriage the other day, saying I was a bit heartbroken he'd never asked me about it. Instead of being flattered that I was thinking about this stuff, he acted like I was being impatient and that he's just 'not a talker'.

 

Even though in the end I got some feeble assurances that he had plans about the future, I feel really rejected. I've had long term relationships before where I felt loved, and prized from the beginning and we've discussed the future and felt valued. This isn't one of those relationships, and I'm going to have to be realistic and ask myself if I want to stay in what could be a dead-end relationship that could carry into my 40s and have him just end it.

 

I don't really have any advice, just that, if someone really loves you, and knows something is important to you- why would they put it off? What are their reasons? If they don't have a real reason, then there's your answer right there.

[candie13]

I know. You are right I am.

 

It doesn't look good for her (them) honestly. I mean there is more that I should not share here.

 

What concerns me is he keeps telling her they WILL get married, be patient.

 

But what is he waiting for?

 

He is already established professionaly.

 

My gut tells me is he stringing her along and has no intention of marrying her.

 

That she is not the one.

 

My brother met a woman just last year, and they are getting married in July. He is mid-30s also.

 

I know everyone is different but I just don't have a good feeling at all.

 

I was hoping I was wrong so came on here asking others.

 

I can see it; she can't.

 

I hope I am wrong though, she willl be devastated.

It's terrible to see a good friend stuck in this situation. It does look tense, especially if her birthday is coming soon. You may try to talk to her to make her change thoughts and relax a bit. Tension pressure, that's enough to drive any person insane.

 

If you see you can't get through to her, all that's left to for you to do is just be around her, brace yourself and prepare a lot of tissues. She'll either cry with happiness or disappointment.

 

Nothing much left to do for you, Katie. After the birthday, you girls can regroup, buy that book and consider all options. But first thing's first. First comes the birthday.

 

best of luck, girl !

[CarrieT]

I would suggest she have a "drop-dead date" that only she knows about (i.e., not an ultimatum that she tells the BF) - either her birthday or Christmas or some other anniversary that is important to both of them - that she will either be engaged or she will move on.

 

The hard part will be that she would have to actually stick to it. If he hasn't proposed by whatever set date she has in her head, she shouldn't ask about it, manipulate him into it, or otherwise coerce the situation towards a marriage.

 

She should just break up and move on. Of course he will beg, plead, cajole, etc., but who wants to establish a life-long relationship on such antics? Either he really does want to marry her - and asks her on his own accord - or he does not.