How does one determine whether a 2nd chance is worth a go?

[ColeWorld7]

My long distance ex girlfriend dumped me after 1 1/2 years and proceeded to date and get into a relationship with another man 3 weeks after. It's been about 3 months since I last saw her in person and 2 months since she left me. During my last visit to her, she was noticeably distant and non-talkative but at times she was happy when we went for a night out. Couple of days before I was going to head back home, I asked her to talk me through what's going on. She said she kept being asked whether or not I was "the one" and she couldn't provide an answer to them and felt pressured. She then told me if a didn't get a full time job in a couple of months we would have to separate. I graduated with my bachelor's about 6 months before and I struggled to find an identity for my career path. I was working part-time for about 3 years through an athletic program that allowed me to travel. I throughly enjoyed it and that's how I met her. I was applying to entry-level finance positions with no luck due to my lack of relevant experience.

 

I didn't think too much of it at the time. I reacted rather calmly instead of angrily like I know others would have. because towards the last couple of months together, I had noticed the distance was getting to her and I made the mistake of catering to her needs more because she was suffering from depression and loneliness. So I wanted to make sure I understood.

Got back home, and continued to aggressively apply to job postings. Landed a couple of interviews but still no luck. Eventually a month after I last saw her she left me from our daily video chats and went to do some shopping. Later that night, she broke up with me over text by saying we needed space.

 

I didn't take it too seriously and played it cool until I lost my cool when she said she started to see another man about 3 weeks later. Said she knew of him he's mutual friends of some family members. Guy is literally the exact opposite of me in every way. Out of shape, has his own place, he's a single father and looks like he's in his 30's from the looks of his pictures on facebook.

 

Let me get into some background on this woman. She doesn't speak to her biological father and siblings in a neighboring state. Not at all. She has moved around from place to place as a child. She married out of high school against her parents will and moved very far away to be with him while he was in the military. Needless to say he cheated on her, abused her physically, and stole money from her for drugs. Following that she really had a tough time recovering. Sleeping with anyone she could just so she could feel like she wasn't alone in the world or neglected. She doesn't have a great social network at all. She has 1 close friend who lives with nearby but she really isn't the greatest influence on her and she knows it. All of her other friends she lost touch with as they have moved away from her small rural town.

 

When she met me, I could sense right away she cherished me. She was overweight at the time, and during the course of our relationship she lost about 50 pounds and really made herself more beautiful then she already was when I first set my eyes on her. I went on a month long family vacation with her family during the summer and I had a heart to heart with her stepfather (whom she considers her real father). He told me I really changed her for the better in that she started to feel confident about herself and noticed she was making changes to work on her self-esteem going forward.

 

In terms of the way I felt about her. There was something about her that made me whole, she was fun and exuberant about the littlest things in life. She made me appreciate life for what it really is on a daily basis instead of always worrying about what was going to happen next. Our relationship changed me in that I was no longer the mundane and anxious guy that was bitter about why things weren't working out for me. She really made me feel lucky to have her.

 

Post Breakup...I made two attempts to sort of "check in" and see how she was feeling. Once on a phone call where she seemed she was nervous about the direction she was taking. The direction in my point of view being chasing things that aren't there just to have someone else. After that I was sending flirty texts for a couple of days and she was reciprocating to the point where she said "maybe we can give this another go". I continued to press and she eventually blocked my number and on facebook.

 

It's now been about 2 weeks of no contact. I realize that there was a high likelihood that she was talking to this guy towards the end, definitely not anything physical. She and I shared each others gps locations on our phone (Was her wish from her past cheating husband) and he also lives about a 6 hour drive away from her. I realize she has a lot of emotional baggage and people will follow up on this post and say to move on and you don't owe her anything for what she did to you because in the end its cheating.

 

But I know her probably more than anyone she's anyone she's met in her entire life outside of her family. She is suffering from the same patterns she had went through after her divorce. Feeling neglected, depressed, and a sense of impatience to find something greener that isn't there. It's caused me more pain in worrying about her than actually being angry or heartbroken because I've been left. I have a strong feeling she'll want to get back together sooner rather than later based on the way I treated her as a great partner in my eyes. I just don't know how I will approach the situation. I know that she has had to have changed and be positive about herself for me to get involved again.

Edited April 24, 2016 by ColeWorld7

[candie13]

sorry, pal, LD things don't work. In my humble opinion, even if you are in the same city, once broken, that's about it. Hard to accept. I understand most people go back to not ask themselves what if, but it's a pure pure waste of time. If it didn't work the first time, it won't work the second time.

 

It's like there's a small internal evaluator that never ever lies. Once that evaluator estimated that the RS isn't worth keeping / fighting for, it's doomed. If you let it go once... that's about it.

 

I know that there are a lot of RS that worked out after a break up, but I am personally convinced that the only reason why they worked is because both partners - or at least one of the partners got really desperate and convinced he or she can't do better.

 

my 2 cents

[ColeWorld7]

Appreciate the input, I can understand the majority of LD relationships don't work but I've been in lengthier ones that weren't before this one girl. The love couldn't have been stronger up until the last month. Feel like there's so much left on the table and she just got cold feet and went to settle for something superficial. I don't really have answers just a lot of assumptions based on her behavior. She never really gave a concrete reason why we broke up and it was really confusing. It definitely wasn't all about the job situation.

 

I do know that space is the best for me individually and for her as well to figure things out. I don't believe in this whole "pride" factor or being a "fall-back" option that I've been reading on this site when someone goes into a rebound. From my experiences, these mind games don't exactly take place. So no-contact is definitely best for now.

Edited April 24, 2016 by ColeWorld7

[Geminix004]

You sound like a decent human being, don't waste your time with her. You will come across a woman who is going to love you just like you love them.

[candie13]

Appreciate the input, I can understand the majority of LD relationships don't work but I've been in lengthier ones that weren't before this one girl. The love couldn't have been stronger up until the last month. Feel like there's so much left on the table and she just got cold feet and went to settle for something superficial. I don't really have answers just a lot of assumptions based on her behavior. She never really gave a concrete reason why we broke up and it was really confusing. It definitely wasn't all about the job situation.

 

I do know that space is the best for me individually and for her as well to figure things out. I don't believe in this whole "pride" factor or being a "fall-back" option that I've been reading on this site when someone goes into a rebound. From my experiences, these mind games don't exactly take place. So no-contact is definitely best for now.

mate, if a person pulls out of the RS unexpectedly, after being strongly inlove, several possibilities may be true:

 

- she started pulling away sooner but didn't tell you; waited until she was finally less invested then dumped you; lots of dumpers do that, it's how they seem all of a sudden cold and rational and unemotional. Because they are. Because they have left the RS some time ago, just didn't tell;

 

- another plausible explanation is that she met someone else, closer. Can't beat geography. No 1 reason why LDR don't work out.

 

Sorry, mate, the other poster was right. Suck it up and accept it.

[jl27]

Dont do it. I repeat, do NOT do it. I dated a guy for 2ish years. He broke up with me & proceeded to talk to his ex of 6 years, then I took him back after being broken up for about 4 months thinking things would have changed. They were the EXACT same. Fights, problems, lies, you name it. He was still contacting his ex as well.

 

You're better off without her, trust me. If it didn't work the first time, theres a good chance it won't work out a second time. My brother always told me "getting back together with an ex is like putting poop back in your butt":laugh:

 

I completely understand what you're going through, & in all honesty, if I could go back to when he asked me to take him back, I wish I had said no. It would've saved me a lot of hurt that I'm feeling right now. Hope this helps a bit!