Adunaphel Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 I'm single and sticking to no contact. I feel quite bad and depressed for the break up but at the same time I'm really proud of myself for finding the courage to break up and expecially for the no-contact thing. No matter whether one day my ex-bf and I will get back together, I have a feeling that dumping him is one of the best things I did in my life. I owe huge thanks to Curly, Tiki, Reluctant Romeo, HoldOn, HokeyReligions, Moimeme, Zara, Solemate, Bluechocolate and all the other great people who gave me precious advice and/or support whenever I posted about one of my relationship problems. It feels good to post on Loveshack again.
Author Adunaphel Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 Tiki, thank you for replying! It's not really well because on tuesday he sent me an email and I called him. Then, in the next three days, I managed to make a fool of myself and did *anything* a person in my situation should not do - I was flipping out because he was somewhere with the girls from his frat. I am feeling really bad but I learned that the no-contact thing actually works, so I'll spend some time browsing through Loveshack threads looking for no-contact rules. And I'll try to actually stick to them this time - I swore to myself that I'm never going to call him at 5 in the morning to call him names (and/or to let him know I'm feeling miserable) again The good news is that I'm still positive that breaking up with him was the best thing I could do in the situation. I'm confident that in a while I'll stop hoping we'll get back together and I'll manage to consider the relationship *actually* over and find a nicer guy. How are you doing, Tiki? Is everyting okay? I really hope so!!
PolarKitten Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Never be the one to break "no contact" no matter how bad the anxiety attack is! I'm on day 8 of NC which I initiated and I've had a few panic attacks and have wanted to call him but I found a way to keep from calling. I tell myself I'll just write him a letter and mail it first. Then I start typing a letter and I think of what he did to me and then I get angry and it all passes......... It's funny how during NC you forget all their faults and start missing them. I was so disgusted with my boyfriend after things he did to me but now that a few days have passed I miss him alot. But he hasn't put forth much effort into calling me or even finding out why I suddenly stopped calling him. Jerk. I'm sticking with NC.
Fallen_Angel Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 The first thing you should do is read No Foolin's thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ It's helped me a bit, although I admit I have faltered lately. I think NC does cloud your perception of your ex at first. The first few days are the worst; Polar has it right when she says you start to forget your ex's faults and concentrate on the good things. But as each successive day goes by you have the satisfaction of distancing yourself that much more from your ex, and then you start to see how things COULD have been better. Plus, you DESERVE better!
ConfusedInOC Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Day 20 here. Doing very well for myself. All the books and Counseling have helped tremendously.
PolarKitten Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 I wrote down "To Thine Ownself Be True" and posted it on top of my computer. How does everyone else survive the urge to break no contact? And who out there has broken no contact then really regretted it?
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 The good news is that I'm still positive that breaking up with him was the best thing I could do in the situation. I'm confident that in a while I'll stop hoping we'll get back together and I'll manage to consider the relationship *actually* over and find a nicer guy Remember that the next time you get that urge. Block his email address, phone number, and Instant Messager. Make a list: All the things you loved about him and all the reasons why you broke up with him, MAKE sure to really put down all the negative things too. I bet the bad outweighs the good, right? SO, why put yourself through the pain again. HE isn't worth it, you know that and you're happier without him in your life. Allow yourself time to grieve, to miss him, but also to recognize he is your past, someone you used to be with and that is all. He is no place in your present and future. All he will bring now is confusion, heartache, unnecessary pain and anger. Hang in there, YOU can do it! Keep busy, hang with friends, have fun! Pamper yourself too! Go for a massage, or plan a spa day with girlfriends!! Or do a mom, daughter, sister spa day, something that will make you feel good! PS: Once you stop caring about him, what he thinks, feels or whatever, the NC will get easier.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by PolarKitten I wrote down "To Thine Ownself Be True" and posted it on top of my computer. How does everyone else survive the urge to break no contact? And who out there has broken no contact then really regretted it? I have and yes, I have regretted it immensely. I really do recommend reading self-help books on self-esteem. For no other reason than if you learn a single thing to help promote "To thine own self be true..." then you are one step closer towards healthy self-esteem and self-confidence. Breaking NC when you really want a clean break is bad. Going to LC (limited contact) if you want them back is probably the way to go. Only be "short and sweet" and never call unless you have to. Use email (Ask Merin, she's good for advice on LC). Good luck. Trust me, if you break it you will regret it.
PolarKitten Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 Thanks for the advice. Confused - I've read your posts and know you went thru a rough time and broke no contact - I'm taking your advice 100%. It seems to come in waves - the urge is strong - then it passes. I know if I contacted him he'd act rude and arrogant. I just stopped all contact with him for no reason - we didn't get in a fight or anything - I just repulsed at his ogling other women. We were actually getting along fine - I just didn't return his phone call a week ago and he never attempted calling me again. I guess he felt it that I was irked with him. So everything is in NC limbo.....and I'm gonna keep it that way. I wanna know one thing - and maybe all you guys out there can explain to me..... I'm lost on this.... If you say you love me and there is no one else you want to be with and you'd give anything to settle down and marry me - why would you ogle other women when you're with me? Why would you repeatedly buy porno mags when you just told me you were so happy to have me in your life and were so sick of having to do it to porn during all those months you were single? Why tell me you hate dating and want to be in a solid relationship yet when you have me - you break your neck to look at every cute girl that walks by and say "hi" (in front of me)? Is this what all guys do? If you really love someone do you still lust after other women? Is this just a normal guy thing? If ALL guys do this and wanting to be respected is asking too much - please tell me and I will lower my expectations of men. I'm disheartened - is there no such thing as loyalty and respect when you supposedly love someone or do all guys act this way no matter how much they claim to love their girlfriend/wife....????? Maybe it's my problem - I'm expecting way too much from men and honesty/loyalty and respect don't exist - I should just expect any man I'm with to be an oogling fool who must obsess over women and porn? I'm not against porn - or a guy admiring a beautiful woman. I just hate it being done in front of my face on purpose - that's the real issue. Sorry - got off track here - but this is why I initiated no contact with my ex to begin with. He crushes my self esteem when he does this and I would never do this to him to intentionally hurt him so I don't get it.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by PolarKitten Thanks for the advice. Confused - I've read your posts and know you went thru a rough time and broke no contact - I'm taking your advice 100%. It seems to come in waves - the urge is strong - then it passes. I know if I contacted him he'd act rude and arrogant. I just stopped all contact with him for no reason - we didn't get in a fight or anything - I just repulsed at his ogling other women. We were actually getting along fine - I just didn't return his phone call a week ago and he never attempted calling me again. I guess he felt it that I was irked with him. So everything is in NC limbo.....and I'm gonna keep it that way. I wanna know one thing - and maybe all you guys out there can explain to me..... I'm lost on this.... If you say you love me and there is no one else you want to be with and you'd give anything to settle down and marry me - why would you ogle other women when you're with me? Why would you repeatedly buy porno mags when you just told me you were so happy to have me in your life and were so sick of having to do it to porn during all those months you were single? Why tell me you hate dating and want to be in a solid relationship yet when you have me - you break your neck to look at every cute girl that walks by and say "hi" (in front of me)? Is this what all guys do? If you really love someone do you still lust after other women? Is this just a normal guy thing? If ALL guys do this and wanting to be respected is asking too much - please tell me and I will lower my expectations of men. I'm disheartened - is there no such thing as loyalty and respect when you supposedly love someone or do all guys act this way no matter how much they claim to love their girlfriend/wife....????? Maybe it's my problem - I'm expecting way too much from men and honesty/loyalty and respect don't exist - I should just expect any man I'm with to be an oogling fool who must obsess over women and porn? I'm not against porn - or a guy admiring a beautiful woman. I just hate it being done in front of my face on purpose - that's the real issue. Sorry - got off track here - but this is why I initiated no contact with my ex to begin with. He crushes my self esteem when he does this and I would never do this to him to intentionally hurt him so I don't get it. This is good. You are drawing a boundary and having repercussions for crossing it. Didn't do that with my Ex and I regret it deeply. Well, the one time I did she came running back to me. But, I didn't draw enough boundaries. I haven't seem her or really talked to her in a month. I had to leave her a VM three weeks ago but since then, no contact. She's busy having fun with new friends and that's how she's dealing with it. Me, I am spoiling myself (LASIK, new toys, more time with friends, recording music, staying busy, doing good things for God's greater glory!). I deserve it! She wanted to watch me get the LASIK surgery but I never told her I was getting it. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. She doesn't deserve it. I was reading the post of "Be careful what you wish for..." and that reminds me of me and her. I treated her like a Queen, she chose someone who cared little about her. She'll regret her decision one day and it will be when I am firmly entrenched in a relationship with someone who loves me as much as I love her. And you know what? I won't look back
greenhorn Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by PolarKitten How does everyone else survive the urge to break no contact? Just imagine the consequences and the pathetic condition you will land yourself in after you break the NC and that will never allow you to break NC. Mine NC is now 195 days and counting { it was the end of 7 year old relationship}
PolarKitten Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 Ok, I'm sticking to NC - if I freak out and have the urge to break it I'm going to post on here first and you guys save me ok? Right now I'm in good shape. If this guy truly loved me I wouldn't be going thru all this to begin with - he'd treat me right and make me feel secure. In the meantime I'm doing what you're doing ConfusedInOC - I'm gonna treat myself good and start taking care of myself! Posting here with you all is a lifesaver.
greenhorn Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 See the idea to stick to NC is not like thinking every second that I am going to stick to NC, I am going to stick to NC.. it is like doing your regular stuff, doing your study/job, and trying to do things which interest you. Meeting people, making new friends but never feel alone and miserable.If you sit and count the number of days then you will never be able to forget, rather it will bring back memories. If you are getting memories then divert your attention to something else or get yourself busy. Accept that it is over and start looking for newer friends or may be after sometime new partner. Remember Idle mind is devil's workshop. Polar kitten ( BTW which pole, north or south ) good luck
pietskiet Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by PolarKitten I wanna know one thing - and maybe all you guys out there can explain to me..... I'm lost on this.... If you say you love me and there is no one else you want to be with and you'd give anything to settle down and marry me - why would you ogle other women when you're with me? Why would you repeatedly buy porno mags when you just told me you were so happy to have me in your life and were so sick of having to do it to porn during all those months you were single? Why tell me you hate dating and want to be in a solid relationship yet when you have me - you break your neck to look at every cute girl that walks by and say "hi" (in front of me)? Is this what all guys do? If you really love someone do you still lust after other women? Is this just a normal guy thing? If ALL guys do this and wanting to be respected is asking too much - please tell me and I will lower my expectations of men. I don't think that this is a gender-based issue. This is an issue of basic respect: Women are just as capable of being disrespectful as men. Maybe it is manifested in different ways, but the net result is the same. I had an ex who made out with some arbitrary guy in front of me in a bar, and her excuse was that she wanted to test how serious I was about her! Another kept a "wall of honor" for her ex (i.e. numerous pictures of her with the guy on her bedroom wall) and told me, when I objected that I thought it was rude of her to have those pictures on the walls while we were intimate, that I was the one with the jealousy problem and that this guy was just a "good buddy" and not an ex (!!??) I've had phone calls not returned, dates broken without explanation or calling, promises made about our future, etc. Basically, all the stuff that women are prone to bitch about I have had happen to me. It's about the person: Find the right person that respects and loves you. Don't lower your expectations because there are guys out there that will respect you.
alphamale Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by Adunaphel I owe huge thanks to Curly, Tiki, Reluctant Romeo, HoldOn, HokeyReligions, Moimeme, Zara, Solemate, Bluechocolate and all the other great people who gave me precious advice and/or support whenever I posted about one of my relationship problems. HEY what about me? alpha!
greenhorn Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale HEY what about me? alpha! That's very much clear, she said about great people
Author Adunaphel Posted June 26, 2005 Author Posted June 26, 2005 Fallen Angel, thank you for the link, No Foolin wrote very wise words! Whichwayisup, I'll do my best to follow your advice, which is excellent!!! thanks. Actually what everyone said in this thread can be regarded as very useful information, it was great to read your posts. Polarkitten, we must try and be strong, and see our exes for whet they really are, that is: not the right guys for us!! And... darn, I just *knew* I was going to forget someone!!! Alpha, how are you doing?
Jeannie Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 I broke no contact....... I couldn't eat or sleep today it got bad and I called him. His birthday is this weekend so I was cheerful and asked him how he was doing.....he had that tone with me but I offered to take him to dinner on his birthday and he said "Sure, what day?". Our conversation started off good, then it took a nosedive when he started getting snippy. I predicted him to have a superiority complex because I CALLED HIM and he did. He started in on me and then I just stopped and said "What do you want to do then - breakup?". He told me he was 47 and wanted to be married and after two years with me nothing was happening. (I refuse to marry him because we both have teen boys who don't get along and I'm not uprooting my son and moving into his house because I have concerns). So, because I don't want to cater to his needs and be a wife living in that house I'm a bad person. When he mentioned breaking up I didn't argue - I said "If that's what you want then ok". He kept saying "I love you and care about you.....but you don't make room in your life for me....".... I'M A WORKING SINGLE MOM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD - I'M WITH HIM ALL THE TIME! He seems resentful that I put my son first - he's always seemed jealous - he says I baby my son too much, etc. My son is 13 - I don't baby him - he's my kid, I'm a good mom. (Mind you his mother took off when he was 14 and was gone 7 years - she left him and his dad for another man and just took off.....). I think he's jealous of how good a mother I am to my son.????? Anyway - he broke up with me and I just went with it and said "Fine, you won't hear from me again". He said "Ok babe - take care". Ok babe? Take care? Well I pretty much got closure now...........what a total loser. I needed that reconfirmed I guess to end it for good. Last time I ended it and was on my way to recovery and 4 months later he shows up at my doorstep. I let him back in my life - what a mistake. Now I'm just angry and pissed and feel like I wasted the past two years of my life on him. And when I confronted him about "You want me to be your wife and suzy homemaker when everytime you're with me to gawk at other women?". His response was "Don't go there...". What a selfish jerk. I should have stuck to no contact but actually I needed to hear him break up with me because now I'm not left feeling guilty - he ended it and I'm accepting the fact it's over. I only blame myself for taking him back a year ago - that was a huge mistake. It hurts - I'm hurting and I'm royally pissed. I gave him chance after chance and always took him back - now he did this to me. I hate him.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by PolarKitten Ok, I'm sticking to NC - if I freak out and have the urge to break it I'm going to post on here first and you guys save me ok? Right now I'm in good shape. If this guy truly loved me I wouldn't be going thru all this to begin with - he'd treat me right and make me feel secure. In the meantime I'm doing what you're doing ConfusedInOC - I'm gonna treat myself good and start taking care of myself! Posting here with you all is a lifesaver. Read, read, read as well. You can take care of yourself also by reading and working on strengthening a weakness.
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