abby_tx Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 I am having a hard morning and looking for some reassurance I guess. Almost two weeks ago, I met a guy online. Originally I wasn't going to message him as he's 4 years younger and seems way more social than me. What ended up happening is a whirlwind week of us talking nonstop and the best first date I'd ever been on. The connection via text was so strong. It translated even better in person. I'm quiet. He's outgoing. The mix of our two personalities was great. He brought me out of my shell. We kissed. He told me he had butterflies. I had butterflies. Post date he told me how great it was. We already have a second date lined up. Not to mention there were many other things happening in the future that he unofficially invited me to. There was lots of future talk about things "we'd" do. Now let's fast forward to this morning. We both had plans this weekend so we couldn't hang out. His plans involved drinking both nights with friends and various dude activities. He'd update social media with his friends doing funny drunk things. I get having a drink and having fun, but I'm pretty tame these days. The idea of dating someone who does this every weekend is a bit off-putting. I don't know if this was a special occasion weekend or it's a view of things to come. Some history: my boyfriend of 7 years was into partying and met his current gf through it. I'd be home while he'd go out drinking. Met a friend of his friend who he'd keep seeing at the bars. Eventually he cheated on me with her and now they're still together. So there's the insecurity that him drinking like this could lead to him cheating and then there's the realization that we might be at different stages in our life. I'm really bummed out because meeting him I had that "A-ha!" moment. Where all your past relationships with guys you loved who didn't want to be with you flash through your mind and you think, "It's all for a reason..." because you have this incredible person in front of you that you'd never have met if it weren't for the failure of those. TLDR: Found my dream guy, but he's a party animal and I'm not always.
Author abby_tx Posted April 24, 2016 Author Posted April 24, 2016 Side note: I'd especially appreciate comments from guys who ARE party animals.
stillafool Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 I'm not a guy but they go out partying and drinking with their friends because it is fun. How old is he? You are right that he may meet a girl he has more in common with and that's just a chance you will have to take. Let me ask you, since you are the quiet type why do you go for party boys instead of guys you have more in common with?
Author abby_tx Posted April 24, 2016 Author Posted April 24, 2016 I'm not a guy but they go out partying and drinking with their friends because it is fun. How old is he? You are right that he may meet a girl he has more in common with and that's just a chance you will have to take. Let me ask you, since you are the quiet type why do you go for party boys instead of guys you have more in common with? He'll be 30 in a couple months. We actually have a ton in common. He just happens to be the more outgoing version of me. If I have a couple drinks in me, I am super chatty and fun just like he is when drinking. Why do I go for outgoing guys? Because they bring out that side of me. Relationships where I've been with quiet guys backfire because I get more quiet. A guy like this is a good match for me.
d0nnivain Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 Some guys do this when they are single because they don't have anything else to do. They stop or at least tone it down when in a relationship. Some men want a woman to party with. You need to determine which type he is because clearly if he wants to party & you don't then you two are not well suited.
SwordofFlame Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 (edited) I'm going to say it depends. I know guys that go out to drink often but it's mostly almost all guys in the group. No problem there. But if he's got a lot female friends or is always around lots of women...maybe a red flag? Edited April 24, 2016 by SwordofFlame
Author abby_tx Posted April 24, 2016 Author Posted April 24, 2016 So I guess there's nothing i can do but wait it out. There's a lot about him I still need to find out. I hope we have a time (alcohol-free) where we can really get to know each other. I did snoop his facebook and he doesn't have a picture with a girl in any of his past profile pics. He has one with a girl in the uploads album but it is his friend's gf. We aren't fb friends so he could have more I just don't have access to. God I sound like a creep. I guess I just want to prepare for this to not work and not get my hopes up too high. One thing I want to add is due to living circumstances at the moment, being together at one another's place might be impossible until the end of May. This would definitely put off having sex which could be good. Though with the intense attraction we feel, it's gonna be hard.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 I'd see what the next few weeks bring. I can understand letting loose with friends now and then. But if it's a regular thing, that would put me off and I'd be looking for someone who shares more interests with me. At this point in my life (35 here) I have almost zero interest in partying and what not.
SammySammy Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 (edited) In the past, it's been a deal breaker for me. I understand having a social life, but if drinking and partying IS your social life that's a problem for me. At some point, you're going to have to determine if this is something you can tolerate. Don't expect him to change. My grandfather partied until he couldn't do it anymore. My grandmother just suffered with it all of their marriage. I wasn't willing to do that. My ex met her current husband while out drinking in the club. But, that's who she should be with. I'm happy for her. It's a compatibility issue. Edited April 24, 2016 by MidKnightDreams 2
smackie9 Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 I say this is a compatibility issue. Sounds to me you just picked someone who is like your ex. Drinking/partying is a lifestyle, and since you are not into it, don't date guys who go out for the soul purpose of getting smashed with his buddies. 1
Jabron1 Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 Side note: I'd especially appreciate comments from guys who ARE party animals. My quick take is that he's 30 years old. He will start slowing down. I'm coming up 30 this year too. I used to be a party animal - and I mean really bad . I would to be out nearly every night of the week in my teen years and early 20s. Pubs, clubs, house parties, illegal raves, etc. It reminds me of the Iggy Pop song 'Nightclubbing': Best feel of how that lifestyle just becomes boring. Going out each weekend is not a party animal IMO. That's pretty normal. All that matters is that he's making time for you. If you feel he's ditching you to go out with others, then you have a real problem. I say give him a good chance.
MissBee Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 If someone is your "dream guy BUT..." that means they aren't really your dream guy. You've known him for 2 weeks, that's not a long time, and it's certainly not enough time to pin your hopes and dreams on him especially when a blaring incompatibility (his partying) is staring you in the face. I say this because I've definitely been there in terms of getting carried away about a man I don't know all that well and investing all these ideas into him instead of being more detached, observing and seeing if we are actually a good match. That's what dating is...esp initially. It's not usually wise to start putting this person on a pedestal as your "dream" when you really haven't seen the half of who they really are...and you're already seeing things that you're not comfortable with...doesn't mean it has to be a deal breaker, but it should help you to slow down and realize he is NOT the last man on earth so it's okay to take things slow emotionally and just see if his lifestyle is a fit for you or not, and if it isn't it will be easier to say "No thank you" if you haven't jumped from A-Z with thinking he's a God-sent-man-of-your-dreams. I strongly believe that drinking does not force people to cheat. Many people go out and party and have drinks and do not cheat on anyone. Your ex-bf is still with the woman he cheated on you with. Likely, that means he was probably already dissatisfied in some way and may have crossed the line when he was out, but it's likely he was already pulling away and somehow felt this relationship suited him better, which is why they are still together. I totally understand though how we become scared because we associate particular things with these incidences and then start to worry that if the person goes out, drinks, does something an ex did it means they will hurt us in the same way, but sometimes it's not true, and many times it's not necessarily the thing itself (a party, alcohol whatever it is) that caused the problem, but simply was a symptom of it. It's fine not to want a party animal, that's part of compatibility. If it absolutely doesn't work for you then it's best to date someone who feels similarly so that you're not fighting over this. Cheating happens everyday without a party or drink in sight though, as most folks don't cheat at clubs but cheat with coworkers, exes, friends, neighbors, regular people they see all the time in some other context. So you cannot foolproof the relationship from it by banning certain activities, as the world itself is full of people and opportunities esp for those who WANT to cheat...and that's the most important thing to remember. A desire to cheat usually has to exist or usually some level of not being satisfied thus putting yourself in a position to cheat...so perhaps working on your own fears about that might help and also as I said, not pinning all your hopes and dreams on Mr.Two Weeks esp in the face of evidence that you all may not be that compatible. 1
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