Author Inflikted Posted May 3, 2016 Author Posted May 3, 2016 So my advice is not to waste time with insular pursuits that will only make you happy or distracted. You need to do things that other people will respect and admire you for. Do charity work, start a business, write an article, try stand up comedy, join a band, etc. Anything that positively integrates yourself with the broader scope of society. You need to go out and successfully do things that affect and resonate with other people. Those things will interest and endear people, and you'll have some of their respect and you won't have to lean on the "there's nothing particularly special about me" routine anymore. It will give you something to enjoy, something to live for, and something to hang your hat on and get people interested in you. I think that's the first step in the process. Best of luck. That's all well and good, but I still don't can't come up with anything I really want to do or feel any interest or motivation in. I mean, looking at your examples, these are my thought processes: Do charity work I've tried doing volunteer work in the past, but if I'm being brutally honest, I hated it. I'm not much of a "charitable" person, and I have no patience or tolerance for children, the elderly, the sickly/ disabled, or the impoverished, which are the major groups to work with. start a business I don't know the first thing about establishing and running a business. More than that, I have absolutely no "business idea" with which to even operate on. write an article Who's going to publish it? Without any notoriety or previous name recognition, I can't exactly expect anyone to want to publish anything I write anywhere, not to mention, I don't even really know what to write about. If you're talking more like online/ blog stuff, I've actually tried running my own websites here and there with written articles, but I can't seem to get any readers/ viewers. try stand up comedy Eh, I already know I'm painfully unfunny. While it may technically be a "good experience" to get up in front of a bunch of people and totally bomb, I just don't really have the mind for comedy. join a band If I were in a band, I'd want to be with people I got along with and connected well with, and that right there prevents me from making this suggestion a reality. Beyond that, I actually tried learning a few different music instruments in years past, mainly out of boredom, but I never seemed to have the capacity to advance beyond the absolute "beginner" aspects of them. I dunno. I'm not trying to seem dismissive or anything like that. It's just extremely difficult to find something that I'm capable of doing, enjoying, and sticking with in the long term. Believe me, at some point or another, I've already pondered on most or even all of your suggestions, along with many other ideas I've seen suggested by others along the way. It's extremely frustrating to feel so inept and generally useless.
normal person Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 Do charity work I've tried doing volunteer work in the past, but if I'm being brutally honest, I hated it. I'm not much of a "charitable" person, and I have no patience or tolerance for children, the elderly, the sickly/ disabled, or the impoverished, which are the major groups to work with. Like I said, you probably won't enjoy the process. The question is do want something more than what you've got? If so, you'll have to do things you don't like or things that aren't easy. You can either suck it up, do them, extrapolate what you can from the experience, or decide not to do them and stop complaining. start a business I don't know the first thing about establishing and running a business. More than that, I have absolutely no "business idea" with which to even operate on. Most people don't know how to do something before they do it. It will require trial and error. At some point, you need to try. I didn't know anything about my work before I started it. I put the hours in, researched like crazy, learned along the way, and continue to learn. write an article Who's going to publish it? Without any notoriety or previous name recognition, I can't exactly expect anyone to want to publish anything I write anywhere, not to mention, I don't even really know what to write about. If you're talking more like online/ blog stuff, I've actually tried running my own websites here and there with written articles, but I can't seem to get any readers/ viewers. How did authors with notoriety or previous name recognition get published before they had those things? They wrote interesting things people wanted to read. That's the first credential. Why don't you try writing about your life and current situation? I, for example, would be curious to read more on how you got to where you are, what life is like for you, and what the future holds. Just a suggestion. try stand up comedy Eh, I already know I'm painfully unfunny. While it may technically be a "good experience" to get up in front of a bunch of people and totally bomb, I just don't really have the mind for comedy. Fair enough, you know yourself better than I do. Again, it was just a suggestion. join a band If I were in a band, I'd want to be with people I got along with and connected well with, and that right there prevents me from making this suggestion a reality. Beyond that, I actually tried learning a few different music instruments in years past, mainly out of boredom, but I never seemed to have the capacity to advance beyond the absolute "beginner" aspects of them. First of all, you don't know you won't get along with the people and connect with them because you don't even know who they are yet. Even if you don't play an instrument, the same thing applies for other groups of people. I dunno. I'm not trying to seem dismissive or anything like that. It's just extremely difficult to find something that I'm capable of doing, enjoying, and sticking with in the long term. Believe me, at some point or another, I've already pondered on most or even all of your suggestions, along with many other ideas I've seen suggested by others along the way. It's extremely frustrating to feel so inept and generally useless. I don't really know what else to tell you. Life is a meritocracy. You'll have to be good at something to get something else. But you'll never be good at anything if you give up on it quickly. It takes time to learn the nuances and intricacies of things. You've got to start somewhere, with something. For example, playing guitar isn't particularly enjoyable when you first start. It will cause blisters on your fingers, your hand will be stretched in cumbersome, unusual ways, and you'll be laughably bad for a few months. But eventually the blisters will become calluses which prevent you from feeling the pain, you gain muscle memory, and you'll start to learn how notes and chords are interrelated and you won't be so awful. Eventually people will be impressed that you can play so well and respect you for your ability and the time you put into learning something. You need an experience like that, whatever it may be. But you can't expect it to happen overnight, either. And you can't expect to like it immediately. Best of luck.
elaine567 Posted May 3, 2016 Posted May 3, 2016 It seems you have no staying power whatsoever. You seem to do lots of things but you never stay with them long enough to get good at anything. So you then troop back your cosy doom and gloom little shell. YOU are the personification of a self fulfilling prophesy. I told you I would be no good, that it won't work, that I am useless and sure enough you are right every time. Emotional Detachment Is Trying To Win By Not Playing The Game - Evolution Counseling
Author Inflikted Posted May 4, 2016 Author Posted May 4, 2016 Like I said, you probably won't enjoy the process. The question is do want something more than what you've got? If so, you'll have to do things you don't like or things that aren't easy. You can either suck it up, do them, extrapolate what you can from the experience, or decide not to do them and stop complaining. Sure, but can't there be a middle ground? I mean, what good is it to do something that makes you unhappy especially if you're not really going to see any benefits from it? I feel like, with something like charity and volunteer work, you should be doing it because you believe in and/ or care about the cause you're working at. Even if the work, itself, is unpleasant, you'd still want to do it because the cause is important to you, and you genuinely want to help with it. I wouldn't want to be doing this kind of thing for the "wrong reasons", and if my heart isn't in it, I think that would show. Most people don't know how to do something before they do it. It will require trial and error. At some point, you need to try. I didn't know anything about my work before I started it. I put the hours in, researched like crazy, learned along the way, and continue to learn. I'm not arguing against that. But you need a lot of things to run a business. First and foremost, you need an idea, something to base the business around. And I don't have that. I don't have some notable skill or affinity or "idea" to offer to potential "consumers". How did authors with notoriety or previous name recognition get published before they had those things? They wrote interesting things people wanted to read. That's the first credential. Why don't you try writing about your life and current situation? I, for example, would be curious to read more on how you got to where you are, what life is like for you, and what the future holds. Just a suggestion. Well, again I ask, what do I do with it? Where do I publish it? Who do I show it to? How do I use that to advance my life in some meaningful way? For a little while, I made it something of a "hobby" to write something resembling an "autobiography" for myself. It's mostly just fragmented stories and experiences, as I couldn't figure out how to properly "connect" them together, in a way you might see in a book, or whatever. I also never really finished it, mainly because it was causing me to revisit and relive a lot of old thoughts and feelings that I had already laid to rest, but also because I started suffering from "writer's block" and couldn't think of how to properly write out and talk about other stories and experiences. First of all, you don't know you won't get along with the people and connect with them because you don't even know who they are yet. Even if you don't play an instrument, the same thing applies for other groups of people. Well, I was mainly examining the process of joining a band, as per your example. First and foremost, I'd need to learn an instrument or learn to sing. Secondly, I'd need to figure out how to even find a local group of people who are in need of what I specialize in. Third, we'd have to be on the same page musically, because if I want to play rock and they want to play easy listening, that won't be a great fit. Lastly, we'd have to connect and get along pretty quickly, because we'd be spending a lot of time together and having to each contribute creativity. It's just a lot of specific factors that have to all add up right in order for it to be successful. I don't really know what else to tell you. Life is a meritocracy. You'll have to be good at something to get something else. But you'll never be good at anything if you give up on it quickly. It takes time to learn the nuances and intricacies of things. You've got to start somewhere, with something. For example, playing guitar isn't particularly enjoyable when you first start. It will cause blisters on your fingers, your hand will be stretched in cumbersome, unusual ways, and you'll be laughably bad for a few months. But eventually the blisters will become calluses which prevent you from feeling the pain, you gain muscle memory, and you'll start to learn how notes and chords are interrelated and you won't be so awful. Eventually people will be impressed that you can play so well and respect you for your ability and the time you put into learning something. You need an experience like that, whatever it may be. But you can't expect it to happen overnight, either. And you can't expect to like it immediately. Best of luck. It seems you have no staying power whatsoever. You seem to do lots of things but you never stay with them long enough to get good at anything. So you then troop back your cosy doom and gloom little shell. YOU are the personification of a self fulfilling prophesy. I told you I would be no good, that it won't work, that I am useless and sure enough you are right every time. It's not so much that I "give up easily", it's just that I tend to hit a wall with things pretty quickly and can't seem to improve beyond a basic point, which frustrates me and causes me to lose interest. For instance, guitar was actually one of the instruments I tried to learn, and I didn't mind the physical strains of it on my fingers or anything. But I bought and read tons of books and watched tons of online videos and spent a lot of time trying to learn how to play, and despite all the energy I was putting into it, I wasn't improving at all beyond the most basic of levels. I could read things and have things explained to me, but when it came to actually applying it, I just couldn't grasp it, I couldn't wrap my head around it. That tends to be what happens with things, for me. I do my best, and I put in a lot of time and energy, but I inevitably hit a certain level that I just can't advance past.
normal person Posted May 4, 2016 Posted May 4, 2016 (edited) Sure, but can't there be a middle ground? There "could" be a middle ground, contingent on you not disliking absolutely everything or giving up if you aren't good at something immediately. I'm not arguing against that. But you need a lot of things to run a business. First and foremost, you need an idea, something to base the business around. And I don't have that. I don't have some notable skill or affinity or "idea" to offer to potential "consumers". Yeah, you do need a lot of things to run a business, I'm not saying you don't. What I'm suggesting you do is you put the effort in to get those things and do it. I know you don't have an idea. I'm suggesting you think of an idea and develop it. Find a problem or hole in the market. Like I said, life is a meritocracy. You have to have merit to get success and rewards. You have to accomplish something. Well, again I ask, what do I do with it? Where do I publish it? Who do I show it to? How do I use that to advance my life in some meaningful way? I'm not a writer, so I wouldn't know. It was just a suggestion. Try doing some research of your own if you're that interested. For a little while, I made it something of a "hobby" to write something resembling an "autobiography" for myself. It's mostly just fragmented stories and experiences, as I couldn't figure out how to properly "connect" them together, in a way you might see in a book, or whatever. I also never really finished it, mainly because it was causing me to revisit and relive a lot of old thoughts and feelings that I had already laid to rest, but also because I started suffering from "writer's block" and couldn't think of how to properly write out and talk about other stories and experiences. There's probably a forum online (or in your city) where people give feedback to other writers. I'd try something like that for help. Well, I was mainly examining the process of joining a band, as per your example. First and foremost, I'd need to learn an instrument or learn to sing. Secondly, I'd need to figure out how to even find a local group of people who are in need of what I specialize in. Third, we'd have to be on the same page musically, because if I want to play rock and they want to play easy listening, that won't be a great fit. Lastly, we'd have to connect and get along pretty quickly, because we'd be spending a lot of time together and having to each contribute creativity. It's just a lot of specific factors that have to all add up right in order for it to be successful. If you were trying to lose weight, would you say "Well first I'd have to buy the gym clothes. Then I'd have to drive to the gym, and then lift all the weights and run on the treadmill. On top of that, I'd have to change my diet and stop eating things I like. It's just a lot of factors that would all have to add up for it to be successful, so maybe it's not such a good idea" ? It takes a lot to be successful in life. You'll have to do things that require effort and hard work. Things don't just happen magically, you either find a way to make them happen, or they don't happen. That's the point I've been trying to make. It's not so much that I "give up easily", it's just that I tend to hit a wall with things pretty quickly and can't seem to improve beyond a basic point, which frustrates me and causes me to lose interest. For instance, guitar was actually one of the instruments I tried to learn, and I didn't mind the physical strains of it on my fingers or anything. But I bought and read tons of books and watched tons of online videos and spent a lot of time trying to learn how to play, and despite all the energy I was putting into it, I wasn't improving at all beyond the most basic of levels. I could read things and have things explained to me, but when it came to actually applying it, I just couldn't grasp it, I couldn't wrap my head around it. That tends to be what happens with things, for me. I do my best, and I put in a lot of time and energy, but I inevitably hit a certain level that I just can't advance past. Some people just aren't predisposed to certain things. Good for you for trying. I'd suggest you keep trying different things until you find something you enjoy. Edited May 4, 2016 by normal person
Author Inflikted Posted May 5, 2016 Author Posted May 5, 2016 There "could" be a middle ground, contingent on you not disliking absolutely everything or giving up if you aren't good at something immediately. I guess. I dunno. I've never been the type that could just draw a completely random activity from a hat and give it a shot. Everything I've tried and everything I've done, it always started with me having some kind of interest or curiosity or desire for it. I don't go into things expecting to hate it or expecting to fail or anything like that. Again, no matter what I do, I always tend to hit a wall that I can't advance past. I'm not good at things. Not because I don't give them enough chance, I just... hit a wall. I also don't really like anything. I've already ran the gamut of stuff that I've had an interest in, and I just feel lost now because there's nothing I can think of to devote myself to, and again, I'm not the type that can just randomly do new things on a whim. Yeah, you do need a lot of things to run a business, I'm not saying you don't. What I'm suggesting you do is you put the effort in to get those things and do it. I know you don't have an idea. I'm suggesting you think of an idea and develop it. Find a problem or hole in the market. Like I said, life is a meritocracy. You have to have merit to get success and rewards. You have to accomplish something. If only I were actually intelligent or creative enough to come up with a good idea. :/ If you were trying to lose weight, would you say "Well first I'd have to buy the gym clothes. Then I'd have to drive to the gym, and then lift all the weights and run on the treadmill. On top of that, I'd have to change my diet and stop eating things I like. It's just a lot of factors that would all have to add up for it to be successful, so maybe it's not such a good idea" ? Well, no, what I'm saying was, in your original suggestion, joining a band, that pretty much requires good social skills to actually start doing. I don't have good social skills. I can't even meet and connect with people in a more general way, let alone meeting and connecting with a specific type of people, like potential band mates. That's more what I was getting at. It takes a lot to be successful in life. You'll have to do things that require effort and hard work. Things don't just happen magically, you either find a way to make them happen, or they don't happen. That's the point I've been trying to make. I know that. I'm not arguing otherwise. I'm just extremely frustrated, with myself, with the world around me, with everything, because I just can't figure out my way in life. I'm just wasting my life away and spinning my wheels but going absolutely nowhere, and I hate that, but I just can't find my way out of that cycle. That kills me on the inside more and more every passing day. But I just can't find the answer for myself.
Author Inflikted Posted May 8, 2016 Author Posted May 8, 2016 Meh. Finally got a match. Didn't do anything with it for a few days, because I wasn't really that into her (again, pretty much just "liking" everyone), but I talked myself into giving it a chance, since we did match. Wrote a simple little message, trying not to be my awkward self, waited a bit, looked later and saw that she unmatched me. Sigh. It also blows my mind how often I get the "There's no one around you" screen. I live near a pretty major city, I have a decent search radius set in my app. Yet according to the app, I've pretty much breezed through everyone. Double sigh.
Zex Posted May 9, 2016 Posted May 9, 2016 Look don't feel too bad. You said you were an introvert right? I am one too, and I can tell you that introverts naturally have a harder time making romantic relationships than extrovert people, especially in the online world. Since Extrovert people are a lot better at expressing themselves, they are also typically better at finding ways to appeal to one another than introvert people, however this also means that usually what you see is what you get with Extrovert people. Introvert people function the opposite, their best traits simply are locked behind MANY barriers, people need to be close friends with you and vice versa before you are comfortable and open up to them, show them how amazing you really can be. It has its upsides as well as its downsides, because usually this has to be done first before any kind of "back and forth liking" happens, it means it might be harder to find a mutual romance with someone, but when you do its more likely to last, more likely to mean something. Introverts are very well connected with their feelings, and for some people, that trait can be REALLY attractive. That said one of these barriers people have to face to get to know you is currently insurmountable because of the way you behave. You may think of it as "brutal honesty" but what I am reading here isn't "being honest" about oneself, its outright self loathing. Trust me when I say people will pick up on that and it will drive them away. And before you use being Introvert as an excuse to not meet people in the real world. . . you MUST have some friends or connections already? You can go to gatherings with them and them being there will make you feel a ton better, trust me, thats how I got to meet new people, and even failing that, you can practice making small talk with Barista's in a coffee shop or any number of other things like that. Even just getting yourself outside and around other people can help. Trust me, you don't dislike being around other people, you simply don't know how to interact with them, and that lack of knowledge is the thing you dislike. If it doesn't come naturally to you you need to take the time. Trust me, It IS worth it, and I know cause socialising didn't come naturally to me either, and now I have some really close friends, a few of whom I really like, and I've even had other people like me, even though I thought it never possible. Chin up, try to make steps. People ARE out there who will like you, however you need to put yourself out a little bit for people to notice you. No one's really gonna get a good feel for who you are by just reading a website profile or looking at pictures loaded with what comes across as "I hate myself and wish I was someone else". 1
Author Inflikted Posted May 9, 2016 Author Posted May 9, 2016 And before you use being Introvert as an excuse to not meet people in the real world. . . you MUST have some friends or connections already? Nope, I do not. Never had any "friends", or anything even close to it, ever. even failing that, you can practice making small talk with Barista's in a coffee shop or any number of other things like that. Even just getting yourself outside and around other people can help. Trust me, you don't dislike being around other people, you simply don't know how to interact with them, and that lack of knowledge is the thing you dislike. If it doesn't come naturally to you you need to take the time. Trust me, It IS worth it, and I know cause socialising didn't come naturally to me either, and now I have some really close friends, a few of whom I really like, and I've even had other people like me, even though I thought it never possible. But that's the thing, it's not that I have a lack of practice or a lack of opportunity. For the last eight or so years, I've worked retail jobs that require a bit of interaction with customers and coworkers. For 5-6 years in that period, I was also at school taking classes, with people. I've interacted with many, many people over my time, and I've tried hard to learn and get better and be more sociable and more appealing, and to actually connect with people. And after all that time, I'd say I'm no better at it than I was before any of that. I'm still the same awkward and socially inept me. I still can't hold anyone's interest or attention. I still can barely have a proper conversation with another person. I've not learned anything, I've not improved, I've not gotten better at all, even with years of "practice".
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