Sonny1992 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Hi all. I'll try and shorten this down as much as I can but to explain my situation it'll take a few paragraphs so please bare with me: I was 14 when I got with my ex and I'm 23 now. We were kids at the time but we fell in love young and we've been together since (although on and off during a period of a year or so). It hasn't always been great and admittedly there have been plenty of bad times to go with the amazing ones. Volatile might be a word to describe it. In the past couple of years the relationship has stagnated. She had 4 years in University in a different city and one of those years was spent in Spain on a placement. So we didn't see each other much and it was hard being apart. During this period we bickered and argued a lot but so much of that was down to frustration. In the more recent past we've not been getting on. I suffer from some mental health issues, I am a self confessed gambling addict, I am out of work currently and was recently placed in a mental health unit because I had a breakdown. During this breakdown we had a terrible fight and break up in front of her friends and family and it was the lowest point of our time together. That was 2 weeks ago. She has changed her number, blocked me on all social media and I have no way of getting in touch. I've done the pleading and begging thing and now know it was a mistake. I last spoke to her on Tuesday and she said she was definitely over us. I told her that I had reached rock bottom and that the old me is gone. I am getting therapy starting Monday for my problems, I've admitted to my family about my gambling problem and I am hopefully starting work in a couple of weeks time. I also am on medication which I should have been taking a while ago. I asked her the last time we spoke: "If I speak to you in a few weeks time and I am a changed man will you give me the chance to make it right?" She told me that she would be the judge as to whether I have changed and that was the last time we spoke. Does that give me hope? I know now how much of a bad person I was and I am making positive changes in my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, she is truly amazing and it's only now that I realize it. I love her with all my heart and it's sad that it has came to this. But if I get myself in a better place, get a job and make all the changes that I need to make is it possible she'll appreciate that and give me a chance? Thank you all for reading and any advice would be really appreciated.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Hi all. I'll try and shorten this down as much as I can but to explain my situation it'll take a few paragraphs so please bare with me: I was 14 when I got with my ex and I'm 23 now. We were kids at the time but we fell in love young and we've been together since (although on and off during a period of a year or so). It hasn't always been great and admittedly there have been plenty of bad times to go with the amazing ones. Volatile might be a word to describe it. In the past couple of years the relationship has stagnated. She had 4 years in University in a different city and one of those years was spent in Spain on a placement. So we didn't see each other much and it was hard being apart. During this period we bickered and argued a lot but so much of that was down to frustration. In the more recent past we've not been getting on. I suffer from some mental health issues, I am a self confessed gambling addict, I am out of work currently and was recently placed in a mental health unit because I had a breakdown. During this breakdown we had a terrible fight and break up in front of her friends and family and it was the lowest point of our time together. That was 2 weeks ago. She has changed her number, blocked me on all social media and I have no way of getting in touch. I've done the pleading and begging thing and now know it was a mistake. I last spoke to her on Tuesday and she said she was definitely over us. I told her that I had reached rock bottom and that the old me is gone. I am getting therapy starting Monday for my problems, I've admitted to my family about my gambling problem and I am hopefully starting work in a couple of weeks time. I also am on medication which I should have been taking a while ago. I asked her the last time we spoke: "If I speak to you in a few weeks time and I am a changed man will you give me the chance to make it right?" She told me that she would be the judge as to whether I have changed and that was the last time we spoke. Does that give me hope? I know now how much of a bad person I was and I am making positive changes in my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, she is truly amazing and it's only now that I realize it. I love her with all my heart and it's sad that it has came to this. But if I get myself in a better place, get a job and make all the changes that I need to make is it possible she'll appreciate that and give me a chance? Thank you all for reading and any advice would be really appreciated. It's great that you're getting the help you need. It's not easy to admit you have a problem, so you're definitely on the right track. Please understand that two weeks is simply not long enough for the "old you" to be gone. You've just barely cracked the surface of changing your life and healing and it will be a long time before you see positive and sustained changes. Your ex knows this too. There is always a possibility that you two will reunite someday, but I think the chances are rather slim. Not only because there were clearly some big problems in the relationship but also because you two were just kids when this all began. It doesn't seem that either of you has really ever experienced anyone else. We change so much throughout our teens and twenties and our romantic relationships and choice in partners reflect that. Most young relationships don't last forever, which I know isn't what you want to hear. But it's true. We grow and want different things. You need to take the focus off your ex for a long while. You're not in a healthy place right now, based on your description. This is turn means you can't offer a healthy relationship either. You need to get better for you and set yourself up for a brighter future, regardless of what happens with women in your life. It will be hard to detach from her, but it's going to be necessary if you want to improve your life. Do it for you. That way, whether she comes back someday or not, you reap the benefits of this transition.
Author Sonny1992 Posted April 24, 2016 Author Posted April 24, 2016 I hear everything you are saying. Most of the issues in our relationship were down to my problems. I was always broke, I was always in a depressed state so that caused arguments, I was always snappy because of the same problems. I have a strong hope that when I become a different person through therapy and other things that I'll be able to show that to her and our relationship can be one that I've always desired but not been able to have. We've never lived together and it's something I'd like. I feel like a kid stuck in an adults body. But the time apart during the last two weeks has made me reflect. I know 100 percent why it went bad and I am in a positive mind that I can fix it after I fix myself. If she gives me that chance then I know deep inside my soul that I'll never let her down again. But still, I do hear what you are saying. But she's my one true love, she has my heart and I am glad because she's such a wonderful, beautiful woman. I've just not been able to make her happy because I've never been happy myself. When that changes I hope she is kind enough to let me showcase that I am not the person I have been for such a long time.
Satu Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 *when I become a different person through therapy and other things that I'll be able to show that to her and our relationship can be one that I've always desired but not been able to have. *You will not become a different person. You'll be the same person with changed behaviour. Behaviour change is the goal. Take care. 1
Space Ritual Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 *You will not become a different person. You'll be the same person with changed behaviour. Behaviour change is the goal. Take care. Exactly.... I am a recovering alcoholic ans addict with over 20 years clean and sober. I will always be an addict and an alcoholic. The only thing that as changed about me is my behavior and my coping skills. OP I am glad you are getting some treatment for your addiction. Just remember that you can only do it for yourself and no one else if you expect to be able to be in any sort of recovery. You putting your ex on the spot about giving you another chance if she sees a behavior change is setting YOURSELF up to fail massively. And if she says no you will be able to use that as an excuse to go paint he casino green with your money. Part of your treatment will deal with understanding hat you need better coping skills because he exact same problems that you had in life are still going to be there when you finish treatment, but you hopefully will learn the tools you need to navigate them without gambling. 1
Space Ritual Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 If she gives me that chance then I know deep inside my soul that I'll never let her down again. Again, setting yourself up for failure. That is your addiction talking. Your deep inside has been leading you astray for most of your adult life, now is not the time to trust it. 1
Author Sonny1992 Posted April 24, 2016 Author Posted April 24, 2016 Again, setting yourself up for failure. That is your addiction talking. Your deep inside has been leading you astray for most of your adult life, now is not the time to trust it. That's true. But ultimately my aim is to make this woman happy and part of my life. I can only go about doing that if I get myself better. I already feel better than I did a week or so ago because my problems are out there, there are no secrets now. I'm getting help and I'm on the road. You know what the crazy thing is? During this period I haven't gambled. I haven't thought about it all that much. I used to get excited at the thought of it, reading form on sports to place my wager, going the casino. But I am hurting so much from the break up that I cannot imagine myself getting joy out of anything. I can't remember the last time I cracked a smile.
Author Sonny1992 Posted April 26, 2016 Author Posted April 26, 2016 Just a quick update on my situation. She's agreed to meet me in a month for a coffee. Many people have told me that she's agreed just so I get off her back and that's probably true. But she's a woman of her word and I'm sure she'll show up. What I have to do now is not contact her. In the past 2 and a bit weeks the longest she hasn't heard from me for is 6 days. So even though the chances of her starting to miss me and regret her decision are slim, I haven't gave her the chance to miss me or anything because I've hounded her, emailed her, called her. I just have to be strong now for the next month. It's going to seem like forever but in the meantime I will become stronger, continue to get my life in order and when we meet you just never know what could happen.
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