Am I going about this casual relationship wrong?

[spriggan2]

I'm 30. My ex dumped me in Jan and I was devastated. I met a girl on Tinder in Feb. We've been seeing each other once a week approximately. We go on proper dates in which 70ish percent of the time I cover the cost. Then we come back to my place and make out heavily and sleep together and cuddle afterwards and she leaves the next day.

 

Now this has been going on for about two months and I really like this girl and think she's incredibly sweet. But truthfully speaking I don't see a serious future with her. Reasons are I'm still a bit hung up on my ex, I'm not ready to commit to anyone unless I find someone I think is incredible, there's chemistry but I feel no spark, and I don't think we click enough for someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

A friend of mine told me he thinks I'm setting this girl up for heartbreak. He thinks the fact that I take her on dates, text her semi-daily, make romantic gestures, spend my weekends with her will make her think I want to move in the direction of serious relationship. That what I should be doing is multi-dating and being more detached. It's clear she really likes me, but she also knows we aren't dating, and she told me she doesn't ever think she'll get married. She's had experience with what she calls "situationships" as opposed to full blown relationships, which is where we are now. And also I'm not perfect. I feel like I have issues (social anxiety disorder for instance) that she'd grow weary of eventually, like my ex did.

 

I am very inexperienced in relationships. My ex was my first gf. With this new girl we haven't defined our relationship yet but I get the sense that it needs to happen soon. Someone on this board commented once that women should be the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of relationships. I took that to mean it should be up to the girl to bring up relationship talk/desires and up to me to let her wishes transpire or not.

 

Regardless, I want to do what is right. I think spending a summer together doing fun things and then going our separate ways towards the end of the year would be ideal, if that is what she wants. I don't know if she's looking for anything serious tbh. I feel like she's more perceptive than me or my friend give her credit for. But a casual fling is what I'm after. Not friends with benefits. I love romancing her because she appreciates it and I feel it makes her happy, which in turn makes me happy, and I think she's a genuinely nice girl.

Edited April 23, 2016 by spriggan2

[Photofinish]

Why dont you tell her that , not us?

 

She should know that shes just a booty call

[spriggan2]

I feel like she pushes for sex when we're together way more than I do. Though I won't deny that I enjoy it. But I agree I should make things clear. Thanks.

[266696687]

You can polish up your actions as much as you want and call it romancing her but essentially what you are saying is that you want sex from this girl and nothing more and have no intention of it leading to a serious relationship.

 

If you she isn't 100% aware of your intentions here you are setting her up for heartbreak. As your actions say you are really into her with the romancing and texts / chats and weekends together.

 

You are having all the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one. While that might work for you unless you are completely clear with her where you stand (that its really all about the sex and there's no future) then you'll end up with her feeling used and misled.

 

Be direct and clear with her and find out where she stands. Your actions are definitely not inline with what could be considered casual but yet you have no intention of it leading anywhere. This behaviour is exactly why guys can end up being called a user. Your intentions aren't clear and you haven't clarified your position with her. Your friends are right.

Edited April 24, 2016 by 266696687

[spriggan2]

you want sex from this girl and nothing more and have no intention of it leading to a serious relationship....You are having all the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one.

 

I'm not trying to be defensive but is this actually true? When we first started dating we didn't get physical right away. I was fine with it and she was not. There are nights we spend together when I would be fine just taking her out and enjoying her company and entertaining her not having sex but she's the hornier one and indicates that she wants it. I am not seeing anyone else right now. I have no intention of seeing anyone while we're together. I prefer exclusivity. I invest in her. I like getting close to her and there are times (admittedly rare) when I think to myself I could be with her long term, maybe I just need more time to warm to her, maybe I need more time to forget about my ex. My conclusions are not something I realized early on, and it's not like I'm 100% decided.

 

But yes, sounds like I'm making excuses. Next time we go out I will bring up the relationship talk and try to be as clear about what I think I want and see if she wants the same. I'm realizing that is important at this stage regardless of everything else. I just really wish there was a way to not make her feel like I'm rejecting her.

Edited April 24, 2016 by spriggan2

[266696687]

I'm not trying to be defensive but is this actually true? When we first started dating we didn't get physical right away. I was fine with it and she was not. There are nights we spend together when I would be fine just taking her out and enjoying her company and entertaining her not having sex but she's the hornier one and indicates that she wants it. I am not seeing anyone else right now. I have no intention of seeing anyone while we're together. I prefer exclusivity. I invest in her. I like getting close to her and there are times (admittedly rare) when I think to myself I could be with her long term, maybe I just need more time to warm to her, maybe I need more time to forget about my ex. My conclusions are not something I realized early on, and it's not like I'm 100% decided.

 

But yes, sounds like I'm making excuses. Next time we go out I will bring up the relationship talk and try to be as clear about what I think I want and see if she wants the same. I'm realizing that is important at this stage regardless of everything else. I just really wish there was a way to not make her feel like I'm rejecting her.

 

Regardless of what you've stated here your first post clearly states your intentions.

 

You don't see a serious future with her. You don't feel a spark with her. You don't think you click enough to be with her in a long term relationship.

 

Your statements above are just excuses to justify continuing a sexual relationship with someone who you see no future because it suits you at the moment but you haven't really considered the impact on her or her feelings.

 

Your behaviour would tell her you are very interested in her. So she may well be hoping that your relationship will turn serious.

 

Stop making justifications and accept your behaviour for what it is which is misleading. Your actions with her are in conflict with what you are saying here. If you don't see a future with her you need to be very clear.

Edited April 24, 2016 by 266696687

[spriggan2]

you haven't really considered the impact on her or her feelings. .

Yes I have. Did you read the last paragraph of the post you quoted. Her feelings are why I made this post, and why I've been asking different sources for feedback, and why I've said repeatedly now that I plan to be clear with her next time we go out. She's out of town this weekend.

[266696687]

Yes I have. Did you read the last paragraph of the post you quoted. Her feelings are why I made this post, and why I've been asking different sources for feedback, and why I've said repeatedly now that I plan to be clear with her next time we go out. She's out of town this weekend.

 

But you haven't considered them up until now.

 

It a bit late to be clear with someone about a no strings attached relationship after you've already been sleeping together and are well over seeing each other for more than two months and your behaviour has only been telling her you are very interested in her and have been behaving like you are in a relationship. She might feel blindsided by what you have to tell her.

 

You might well already end up hurting her. Or if you are lucky she might not have feelings for you either.

 

Either way the sooner you discuss it the sooner you can both decide how to proceed or whether to move on.

 

I think based on your behaviour she is going to be shocked by your revelation. Of course she thinks you might be heading in a serious direction. This is why your friend is warning you.

 

You seem to be on the rebound. You are obviously not over your ex and you are essentially using this girl to fill that role while not telling her you have no intention of allowing a relationship to develop with her.

Edited April 24, 2016 by 266696687

[TXGuy]

Dont listen to the bigoted sexists that say women have no agency.

 

As long as you are not overtly lying to her, you are fine. Believe it or not, some women actually enjoy sex. Not all are delicate flowers constantly worried about being 'used.'

 

Don't lie to her. Enjoy what you have going on until it doednt work anymore.

[266696687]

Dont listen to the bigoted sexists that say women have no agency.

 

As long as you are not overtly lying to her, you are fine. Believe it or not, some women actually enjoy sex. Not all are delicate flowers constantly worried about being 'used.'

 

Don't lie to her. Enjoy what you have going on until it doednt work anymore.

 

He is lying to her by omission. He is treating her as his girlfriend. Romancing her. Talking to her everyday. Texting. Spending weekends together. Taking her on dates every week. Is exclusive to her but yet hasn't told her he doesn't have romantic feelings for her. He is clearly on the rebound and using this girl.

 

Even his friend has warned him his behaviour is misleading her and that he is setting her up to be hurt. Which in my opinion he is.

 

No women are not delicate flowers and we can choose to have a no strings attached relationship as and when we please however we do need to be aware of it to decide if it's what we want. He is misleading her. He is romancing her not keeping it casual.

 

Under the circumstances I doubt she believes this to be a no strings attached agreement. He certainly hasn't told her that's what it is and his actions are in complete contradiction to that sort of arrangement. She isn't aware he doesn't have romantic feelings for her.

Edited April 24, 2016 by 266696687

[spriggan2]

He is lying to her by omission. He is treating her as his girlfriend. Romancing her. Talking to her everyday. Texting. Spending weekends together. Taking her on dates every week. Is exclusive to her but yet hasn't told her he doesn't have romantic feelings for her. He is clearly on the rebound and using this girl.

 

Look, I realize that as soon as I suspected she might not be the one I should have said something. That realization was about a month ago and became clearer since then. I take blame for that and I've resolved to come clean.

 

Apart from that I don't know what else I've done wrong. I was romancing her because I thought that was how courtship worked. I paid for meals for every different Tinder match I'd been on, from date 1. I tried to find exciting things for us to do from the start. I tried to get to know her and invest time to figure her out. Not everyone has a "define what you're looking for" talk on the first date do they? And she has yet to tell me what she wants. I didn't kiss her until the fourth date and that was because she got upset that we hadn't kissed on the third date (due to my failure to figure out how to make a move.)

 

She pushed for sex the first time we fooled around at my place. I refused and waited until the next time. Yes I'd just broken up and the influence of my last relationship was still present in this one. But there are in fact other women out there who at this moment I feel like I would be more inclined to commit to if we went out for a bit. But I didn't think they were interested in me. So I'm not completely closed off to the idea of a serious relationship.

 

Even if she agrees to casual it's not like I'm going to stop treating her like she's special and stop being exclusive with her and stop being romantic. I don't know what else to tell you. I care about this girl. I was doing things for her because I wanted her to enjoy herself. I care about pleasing women when I'm seeing them because I'm always flattered that they've chosen to go out with me. Next time I will be up front as soon as I've reached a conclusion, but as far as abstaining from going the extra mile for them, I dont want to do that either. I'm not looking for a pure FWB.

[tayriley]

wow, i had a guy friend that was a serial monogamist- he loved the actions of being in a relationship...so much so that he would romance the hell out of a girl, get her to fall for him- do all those things that boyfriends do- come to the rescue anytime she needed...and then in a year or maybe two, dump her out of the blue. afterwards, he'd say there was no depth to the relationship and she didnt 'know' him at all.

 

...i'm sorry, but this is very cruel. i'm going to tell you what i told him- you are WASTING their time. if you do not want a girl in the long run, set her free so she can find her true partner/soulmate/husband. as long as you keep texting, planning cute dates, acting like a couple...she is wasting all her feminine charms on you. she will resent you when you break up with her out of nowhere.

 

even if you SAY up front- 'i dont want a relationship', but then you ACT like a boyfriend...you are leading her on. because actions speak louder than words.

 

the truly unselfish thing you can do here is to tell her the truth- you are still hung up on your ex and you shouldnt be dating anyone right now.

 

i get it- loneliness sucks. but the pain of a breakup can't be covered up by a new relationship- at some point you have to really deal with it, and deal with your personal issues. both you and the girl deserve a real chance at love, not some lukewarm grabbing at each other just to fight off the loneliness.

[spriggan2]

and then in a year or maybe two, dump her out of the blue.

 

...i'm sorry, but this is very cruel.

 

Good thing that has absolutely nothing to do with me. There is a huge difference between a year or two and a month or two, as well as between making the mistake once, and having it happen repeatedly. No way I'd let something like this drag on much longer than I have, as evidenced by this post.

Edited April 24, 2016 by spriggan2

[grays]

I'm a woman and I think this sounds like a pretty nice relationship you're having. I think it might be the exact kind of relationship I'm looking for -- tho I think I would want mine to be more on the scale of a year or two. It seems to me like you're verging on boyfriend/girlfriend behavior, but I don't think that automatically means that you should be thinking you want to be in it for the long haul. And it seems like you really do like her. How refreshing!

[ExpatInItaly]

Time to out on your Big Boy pants and be honest - tell her you don't see a future with her. Let her decide if she wants to stick around for more or not. At the moment, your friend is right...your behaviour is sending her a different message and that's not good. She deserves to know where you mind and heart is at so she can make an informed choice.

 

I think you'd actually benefit from just being single for a while and not dating anyone. Your break-up wasn't that long ago and you described yourself as devastated. You took essentially no time to heal before meeting this woman. Why did you and your ex break up, and how long were you together?

[elaine567]

I was romancing her because I thought that was how courtship worked.

 

The operative word being "courtship".

What you have in mind is NOT courtship, it is going nowhere and YOU know that, but are treating her like the love of your life and that is confusing and cruel. Even the most hardened "casual" dater is going to get the wrong idea here.

 

I am glad you are going to do the decent thing, but you have to make it very clear, otherwise she will not get it.

He is so good to me, he romances me, we spend lots of time together, he must love me, he is just scared of commitment, I will change his mind...

Personally I agree with tayriley here, you are just wasting her time.

[Buddhist]

A friend of mine told me he thinks I'm setting this girl up for heartbreak. He thinks the fact that I take her on dates, text her semi-daily, make romantic gestures, spend my weekends with her will make her think I want to move in the direction of serious relationship.

 

Your friend is very perceptive and correct. You are acting like you want something more.

 

I took that to mean it should be up to the girl to bring up relationship talk/desires and up to me to let her wishes transpire or not.

 

Now you're just making excuses for carrying on in a way that you know on some level if deceptive.

 

Regardless, I want to do what is right. I think spending a summer together doing fun things and then going our separate ways towards the end of the year would be ideal, if that is what she wants.

 

If you want to do what's right you will tell her exactly what you told us and see if she sticks around.

[katiegrl]

Okay spriggan, let's break this down:

 

1. You know how you're "supposed" to act in a relationship (i.e. romancing her), so you "go through the motions" of acting that way, even though you're not feeling it;

 

2. You don't feel a spark;

 

3. You see no future with her;

 

4. You justify having sex by saying SHE pushed for it;

 

5. You are still in love with your ex!

 

She is not aware of any of this.

 

You say you care about this girl? How? Where?

 

Sorry, I am not seeing it.

 

In fact, what's written above suggests just the opposite.

 

I simply can't believe you think your behavior is okay here.

 

Newsflash: It's not.

Edited April 24, 2016 by katiegrl

[Jabron1]

If the girl wants exclusivity, she will ask for it.

 

No, the responsibility is not on you to define the relationship.

 

You're a man ffs. Don't get talked into behaving like Oprah.

[spriggan2]

I simply can't believe you think your behavior is okay here.

SMH...I can only yawn at this point

[Jabron1]

Wrong person, fella

[spriggan2]

Wrong person, fella

Lol and I can no longer change it

[Jabron1]

Lol and I can no longer change it

 

 

Go on, mate. What were you saying?

[spriggan2]

 

Go on, mate. What were you saying?

That was basically all I had to say. But I addressed the wrong person when I hit the quote button. My point was that I've admitted to possibly making a mess of things but im still being told I think my behavior is ok.

 

That being said, early on when I was in the process of narrowing my dates down to this girl, there was another girl I was seeing who I was paying for every weekend, texting during the week, and after about a month when I kissed her she said she didn't think I wanted anything more than friends, despite the fact I'd been romancing her and investing in her. She claimed those gestures did not express the desire for a romantic relationship.

 

Additionally. Saying I'm still in love with my ex. I'm going to have feelings for her for a long time. Maybe over a year. Should I just avoid dating altogether until that time? She was the only gf i ever had and im 30 now. There are girls who I could definitely commit to if they were interested in me. I thought this current girl might be one, to a lesser extent, but my feelings just stopped growing in the past month.

 

I mean what are you supposed to do when you first meet someone? Don't you pay for meals and text them if you had a good time? Get physical?

[bathtub-row]

I say it all the time and I am totally convinced it's true, although a lot of people love to argue about it. Ready? Here it is:

 

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A CASUAL RELATIONSHIP.