enchanted01 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Hi, everyone. I would appreciate some insight on my "dilemma." I guess it's not truly an issue, it's just something I've never really experienced before... So I met this guy by chance online (not a dating website.) He asked me out and we met up just as friends. After that first night, we realized we really liked each other more as friends. The physical/mental connection is like nothing I've ever felt before. But we have started off so slow. We have been seeing each other for 2 months now. The first two weeks, we saw each other 2x a week, but that was only because he had time off from work from his second job. Now that he's back working 2 jobs, plus he plays on a basketball team, plus his friends, and family, we see each other once a week. The pace is different for me. In all my other relationships, if there was an immediate connection we would be seeing each other 4-5 times a week. I don't have problems keeping myself busy, and I'm thinking about dating other people in the meantime so I can stop thinking about him so much. But my question is: has anyone had a successful relationship that started off slowly and built up over time? Btw, we haven't had sex yet, and we talk everyday.
todreaminblue Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 most of my relationships when started are intense...formed from feelings developed over time...but...in saying that ....these have stemmed from friendships over years.......i feel two times a week is reasonable but thats me..i like alone time too..i actually need it...some people do....and to start i feel two times a week i san average not a slow start......if you feel like you want more than that have you tried talking to him and stating you would like to see him more ...deb
smackie9 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 It's not going to turn serious, but may just turn into FWB or a booty call because he knows he doesn't have the time to invest in a committed relationship. He is just waiting for a sign from you or see if that would be possible with you. Yes date other people to find someone that would be a more fulfilling partner.
Author enchanted01 Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 most of my relationships when started are intense...formed from feelings developed over time...but...in saying that ....these have stemmed from friendships over years.......i feel two times a week is reasonable but thats me..i like alone time too..i actually need it...some people do....and to start i feel two times a week i san average not a slow start......if you feel like you want more than that have you tried talking to him and stating you would like to see him more ...deb 2x a week is definitely reasonable, but now we're down to once a week. I too enjoy my alone time, and I'm a very independent person. But when I'm really into someone I want to see them...a lot...with this guy, I don't want to put to much pressure on him considering his schedule is all over the place and he works a lot. I don't want to confront him about this because I figured if he wanted to see me more, and could fit me into his week, he would. I guess with all of my other relationships that started off with a bang (lol) they never really lasted, so perhaps things will be different this time around. 1
candie13 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 it's a fine line between taking time to know eachother and still having a life. I am not used to jump in insta-RS. I think seeing eachother 2xweeks it's fine, at the beginning. It would be cool to feel he is making you and your dates a priority. But I think it's actually much much safer to start slowly and gradually go to 3xweek after the third, fourth week. If you two did not have the exclusivity talk, you can consider talking to other men and flirting. But be really careful because it's easy to do something stupid and regret it, later. Like see a guy you don't even like and run into him and his sister. If you want to see other men, be really discrete. Either way, with or without other dates, get a hold of your nerves and be patient. You'll get a feel of things, in a few weeks time. Give it time.
Author enchanted01 Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 It's not going to turn serious, but may just turn into FWB or a booty call because he knows he doesn't have the time to invest in a committed relationship. He is just waiting for a sign from you or see if that would be possible with you. Yes date other people to find someone that would be a more fulfilling partner. Hi smackie...interesting about the FWB part because I've already told him I'm not one for casual sex. And he has mentioned a few times that we're "not ready" for sex. So....idk...confusing!
candie13 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 2x a week is definitely reasonable, but now we're down to once a week. I too enjoy my alone time, and I'm a very independent person. But when I'm really into someone I want to see them...a lot...with this guy, I don't want to put to much pressure on him considering his schedule is all over the place and he works a lot. I don't want to confront him about this because I figured if he wanted to see me more, and could fit me into his week, he would. I guess with all of my other relationships that started off with a bang (lol) they never really lasted, so perhaps things will be different this time around. going from 2 dates per week to one per week is not a good sign. Things are supposed to progress, not regress, if there is interest. I think you are right to consider your options.
todreaminblue Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 2x a week is definitely reasonable, but now we're down to once a week. I too enjoy my alone time, and I'm a very independent person. But when I'm really into someone I want to see them...a lot...with this guy, I don't want to put to much pressure on him considering his schedule is all over the place and he works a lot. I don't want to confront him about this because I figured if he wanted to see me more, and could fit me into his week, he would. I guess with all of my other relationships that started off with a bang (lol) they never really lasted, so perhaps things will be different this time around. its true that sometimes things that burn brightly fast, burn out quicker...like a shooting star...stunning and striking at first ...then...nothing..i do still feel talking to him might help ..maybe not confrontative more a compromising tone i guess in stating how you feel..what you feel is a valid concern to you.....i feel one time a week...is going backwards for you.....and what you need in a relationship that si if it continues to be this way of one time a week instead of increasing time spent together.........deb
Author enchanted01 Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 it's a fine line between taking time to know eachother and still having a life. I am not used to jump in insta-RS. I think seeing eachother 2xweeks it's fine, at the beginning. It would be cool to feel he is making you and your dates a priority. But I think it's actually much much safer to start slowly and gradually go to 3xweek after the third, fourth week. If you two did not have the exclusivity talk, you can consider talking to other men and flirting. But be really careful because it's easy to do something stupid and regret it, later. Like see a guy you don't even like and run into him and his sister. If you want to see other men, be really discrete. Either way, with or without other dates, get a hold of your nerves and be patient. You'll get a feel of things, in a few weeks time. Give it time. Thanks, candie! I understand what you mean about being "discreet." I have gone out with a few guy friends since meeting new guy. I don't completely keep it a secret. I tell him "oh, I went to the movies" and he will ask me "on a date?" He assumes I'm dating these men but I'm really not. When I'm really into someone I find it hard to place my attention elsewhere. But I'm definitely going to have to start going on real dates soon for my own sanity lol
Author enchanted01 Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 going from 2 dates per week to one per week is not a good sign. Things are supposed to progress, not regress, if there is interest. I think you are right to consider your options. That's what I was thinking, too. But he was only working one job during that time. Now he's back to working two. But like I said, if he wanted to make time, he would. its true that sometimes things that burn brightly fast, burn out quicker...like a shooting star...stunning and striking at first ...then...nothing..i do still feel talking to him might help ..maybe not confrontative more a compromising tone i guess in stating how you feel..what you feel is a valid concern to you.....i feel one time a week...is going backwards for you.....and what you need in a relationship that si if it continues to be this way of one time a week instead of increasing time spent together.........deb I don't know why but I feel like it's just too soon for us to have this conversation. Especially since we're not exclusive or anything. I've never initiated any dates. Maybe he's waiting for me to step it up and show more interest? 1
candie13 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 I'm the same. Don't give new guy too much headspace. Watch if he is making efforts to accommodate you in his calendar. Do not ask for it and do not make observations. Just notice and adapt accordingly. I'd be disappointed in him seeing me less and I would start taking action in the direction of dating other men as well. Not fair to keep you high, when you're obviously interested. Interested men act interested and consistent. cheers, girl
candie13 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 That's what I was thinking, too. But he was only working one job during that time. Now he's back to working two. But like I said, if he wanted to make time, he would.in all fairness, there's a difference between wanting and being able to. MAybe he cannot... maybe he cannot do the 2 jobs and see someone consistently. Think about that possibility and think if you are fine with seeing a dude in this position. Seems like you're ready for a full time thing and seems like his work schedule isn't compatible with that... maybe he's not it, girl I don't know why but I feel like it's just too soon for us to have this conversation. Especially since we're not exclusive or anything. I've never initiated any dates. Maybe he's waiting for me to step it up and show more interest?I would strongly suggest against the bold. Wait and watch him. Watch his moves. Listen carefully to what he is saying, you learn a lot about a person, that way. I think his expectations are his alone. Him having expectation doesn't mean you have to comply with them. Especially since he did not voice them. I think the beginnings are a great opportunity to just learn about eachother. See his next move. Do nothing. Sit and watch. I know it's hard, but if he senses you're anxious for him, he may use it against you. Don't show your cards just yet. LEt him be a man and make the next move. Plus, he is the one superbusy, no? You proposing more dates would be an imposition on his free time. Be patient and allow him to make more time for you. LEt him feel this need, instead of you telling him what to do. It'll be much better for the RS, on the long run, in my humble opinion.
Author enchanted01 Posted April 25, 2016 Author Posted April 25, 2016 in all fairness, there's a difference between wanting and being able to. MAybe he cannot... maybe he cannot do the 2 jobs and see someone consistently. Think about that possibility and think if you are fine with seeing a dude in this position. Seems like you're ready for a full time thing and seems like his work schedule isn't compatible with that... maybe he's not it, girl I would strongly suggest against the bold. Wait and watch him. Watch his moves. Listen carefully to what he is saying, you learn a lot about a person, that way. I think his expectations are his alone. Him having expectation doesn't mean you have to comply with them. Especially since he did not voice them. I think the beginnings are a great opportunity to just learn about eachother. See his next move. Do nothing. Sit and watch. I know it's hard, but if he senses you're anxious for him, he may use it against you. Don't show your cards just yet. LEt him be a man and make the next move. Plus, he is the one superbusy, no? You proposing more dates would be an imposition on his free time. Be patient and allow him to make more time for you. LEt him feel this need, instead of you telling him what to do. It'll be much better for the RS, on the long run, in my humble opinion. Yup, you're totally right! I don't feel comfortable initiating dates or any kind of contact at this point anyway. So I will do like you said: sit back and observe! We did go to a lunch on Saturday before he went to his 2nd job, and I appreciate that he does try to make time for me in between his schedule. And you're right again, I need to decide if his hectic schedule is something I will be able to put up with in the long run!
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