paigej91 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 For anyone who's in an extrovert/introvert relationship, have you been able to successfully work out the differing ways of operating when it comes to things like alone time, independence and socialization? Or is this something that breaks a relationship? I've been dating someone for about 5 months, and things are going really great on all fronts except when we have our extrovert/introvert differences. Now that we're starting to settle into more of a routine and getting comfortable, it seems we're both starting to notice this dynamic more and how it affects the relationship. I can't speak for him for sure, but I'm also starting to look at myself more separate from the relationship because I'm finding an increased need to ensure I keep a life outside of my relationship. He, meanwhile, has admitted that he's the type to have lost himself in relationships in the past. We do spend a lot of time together, whether it be in group settings or one-on-one. There typically aren't any issues on the friends/socialization front. I (being the introvert) get along very well with his and he gets along well with my (fewer) friends. I don't organize huge gatherings the way he does, but I go to all of them and definitely talk with everyone during them; and it doesn't seem like he minds that I don't organize this stuff. One critical thing, however, that we don't exactly see eye-to-eye on is alone time. I have told him I need alone time the same way one needs sleep; this is something I mentioned when we first started dating, and it still comes up sometimes. I tell him that alone time is absolutely nothing personal, but he sees it that way because he doesn't have a need for it. His interpretation of me needing alone time/time to recharge in a relationship=he's a burden in my life (), which he gets sensitive and insecure about. I really don't know how to communicate this to him so that he understands it, and since he doesn't ask more questions to try and understand it, a part of me also wonders if he's trying hard enough to "get it" so that we can work past this. Has anyone been able to successfully explain this to a strong extrovert (esp. one who beats himself up a lot)? I've compromised quite a bit in this relationship on the alone time front, but when I do need it this sensitivity arises. (exact same thing happens when I need him to give me advance notice of social events or of him coming over - I need to plan for anything social for the mental heads up, and he gets sensitive about that/takes it personally). Is there a way I can communicate this better? Or is this dynamic going to always be an issue that hinders the relationship? I make sure I never use the word "space" when communicating a need for alone time, but I really don't know how else to communicate it outside of saying I need personal time to recharge, so that I'm at 100% again when we go out or see each other next. Not that I always need to be at 100% when we're alone, but I'd at least like to not be completely depleted. 1
Emilia Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 People who lose themselves in others in relationships are needy with leaky boundaries. That has nothing to do with extroversion. It's not because he is social, people who enjoy company can be still independent and get their energy from different sources. Being clingy is something different entirely and it is indeed tiresome. Why does he think it's acceptable? Most people require some alone time. Same about his super sensitivity, his issues are not your problem and he is not taking responsibility. It will only get worse.
Author paigej91 Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 People who lose themselves in others in relationships are needy with leaky boundaries. That has nothing to do with extroversion. It's not because he is social, people who enjoy company can be still independent and get their energy from different sources. Being clingy is something different entirely and it is indeed tiresome. Why does he think it's acceptable? Most people require some alone time. Same about his super sensitivity, his issues are not your problem and he is not taking responsibility. It will only get worse. Why does he think what's acceptable? Getting sensitive about my need for alone time and needing a "heads up" for social matters? *shrug* I dunno. Maybe because his exes were fairly opposite of me and got accustomed to something different. Being that I'm extremely independent, I hesitate to use the words "clingy" or "needy". I think he's a bit closer to average, though closer to the "needy" side of the spectrum than the "independent" side. In a lot of ways, this difference benefits our relationship because I have my own short comings when it comes to being on the opposite side of the coin.
Emilia Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 A person taking it personally that you need alone time is needy and clingy. He is a codependent and he is already guilting you into accepting the status quo. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency I asked why he thinks it's acceptable that he just turns up at your place or springs social engagements on you after your asking him not to do that. He disregards what you need. That's not a sign of a caring person.
lakerman34 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 (edited) I live with a married couple. One's clearly VERY extroverted, the other is pretty introverted. Sometimes, the extrovert is in his room watching a show on his computer while the introvert is watching TV in the family room. COMPLETELY different shows. This girl I'm dating (I don't know for how much longer though) is at Pensacola at this HUGE beach party. She is sending me videos, and my thoughts are "I would HATE that kind of environment. LOADED with white people who don't know how to dance and guys who care too much about their manliness." Not for me. I'd be more excited to see the Grand Canyon than go to the biggest beach party of the year. EDIT: Forgot to make my point: Point being that, even in a relationship, it's VERY important to live your own, separate life. I think a relationship is unhealthy when your entire life becomes the relationship. I think it's important to remain yourself within a relationship, and to be with a person that loves you for how you are as yourself (not how you are in a relationship, so to speak). A celebrity relationship I look at that illustrates this well is John Legend and his wife. VERY different personalities, and both understand being themselves within a relationship (and say that's why their relationship is so successful). Edited April 24, 2016 by lakerman34
Author paigej91 Posted April 25, 2016 Author Posted April 25, 2016 A person taking it personally that you need alone time is needy and clingy. He is a codependent and he is already guilting you into accepting the status quo. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency I asked why he thinks it's acceptable that he just turns up at your place or springs social engagements on you after your asking him not to do that. He disregards what you need. That's not a sign of a caring person. Is clingy or needy really the word for that? He's more towards the needy side than independent, but I've never used those words to describe him. When I've asked him, he thinks that I shouldn't have to feel the need to "mentally prepare"/get a heads up about when he's going to swing by and/or stay the night because we're in a relationship. Me needing that heads up is interpreted as it being a chore for me to be with him (which of course isn't the case at all, it's just how he interprets it). It feels like I can explain this as much as I want to him, and it'll never get through so he's just gonna have to deal with being butt-hurt about it or he can change his outlook and move past it. I just wanted to see if any other introvert/extrovert couples have had to deal with different outlooks like this and, if so, how the introvert has successfully communicated through the extrovert some of these nuanced differences.
Handsome Librarian Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 Idk him or you I wouldn't say he's necessarily too clingy or needy but I wouldn't use words like recharge or mentally prepare. I would just say I like my own time or like and need to do my own thing sometimes don't be clingy, needy or but hurt about it. And then see if he can respect your boundaries and needs. No ones perfect and it's all on a spectrum.
introverted1 Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 Are you dating my ex? I agree with the others that I am not so sure this is an extrovert thing so much as a "him" thing. Like your guy, my ex also felt put upon ("butt hurt" is a better descriptor for how he acted) when I expressed a need for alone time, or to know in advance when he was coming over or when I'd be expected to be be present at a large gathering. Although he always agreed, he never changed his behavior. If anything, the longer we were together, the less alone time I got. I think you have to have a real heart-to-heart and, if he cannot accept/understand your needs, seriously consider whether this is something that will ultimately erode your relationship.
Larryville Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 I'm finding an increased need to ensure I keep a life outside of my relationship. He, meanwhile, has admitted that he's the type to have lost himself in relationships in the past. We do spend a lot of time together, whether it be in group settings or one-on-one. Something a LOT is guys do... One critical thing, however, that we don't exactly see eye-to-eye on is alone time. I have told him I need alone time the same way one needs sleep; this is something I mentioned when we first started dating, and it still comes up sometimes. First: 6 Myths About Introverts To Stop Believing 6 Myths About Introverts To Stop Believing Keep communicating as best you can and he needs to get a better understanding of your personality traits. The problem with most couples is they focus on the superficial, the exterior because most people frankly are not that deep. Truly knowing your partner (and actually wanting to know and understand your partner) is greatly overlooked.
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