Family (especially mother) VS the man of your life.The worst situation ever.

[Dayakit]

After several disappointments I chose to stay single for almost 4 years. I'm 28 now.

I moved in the U.S. with my mother and two friends as two years ago we decided to start a partnership and open two eateries. I literally threw myself into my job, turning down any man who asked me out, until last year, that's when I met the man who actually changed my life and point of view.

He is my happiness and I feel on cloud nine for having a man like him by my side, a man I've been dreaming of for a lifetime. Nevertheless he's the opposite of what my mother wanted/wants for me. He's 52, he's the kind of person who (for reasons long to be explained but mainly the particular and also tough life he had) prefers living at the fringe of society, he may have flaws and not seem Prince Charming, but I found Love in him and that's all that should matter. To my mother as well.

Two weeks ago he made me the proposal. It's not his first marriage, but I believe he believes in us sincerely and so do I. I was excited to tears for it but as soon as I told my mom, she got really upset and told me I am nuts.

She thinks he'd be an appalling husband (even if with me he's always been an angel), and that if I go on and marry him, she'll re-unite abroad with the rest of the family (which basivally agrees with her, and it will give me major problems in my business because we will have to replace her). I have got the feeling that she's sad, bitter and jealous. Everything was ok until I was single and partially frustrated, she always pushed me to find the person she thinks to be convenient and always pushed me to use my looks (people say I am very pretty and when I was younger she made me test shooting fot a local beauty contest that in the end I decided not to enter).

I'm feeling so alone and desperate. Afterall she's important to me and so is the rest of my family, but my man is my man and we deserve our happiness.

Edited April 23, 2016 by Dayakit

[Toodaloo]

I think your mother is actually trying to prevent you from making a mistake.

 

When you are "in love" you can have blinkers on.

 

Your mother knows this and has seen this.

 

I know its an awful situation to be in but I am with your mother on this one.

[madyg88]

dear i understand the terrible pressure and all but may i ask you smth more personal of him and your relationship?

like,how did you meet?how did this affair start?you seem to come from very different environments.

what does he do for a living?what kind of person is he,generally?

does he have another family?

without these elements it is hard to give you proper advices because it's not clear if your mother's problem is only the age difference or a greater number of serious concerns.

age difference is a red flag,but every relationship has some.it depends on HOW MANY red flags there are,and even more,it's important to understand what holds you together which has to be strong enough to lead to a marriage.

[Lois_Griffin]

Oh for God's sakes.

 

You think your mother is 'bitter and jealous' because she finds it appalling that her 28 year old daughter wants to marry an almost senior citizen?

 

You don't seriously think you're going to have kids with this man 5 or 10 years from now, do you? You're only 28 - you don't know what you're going to want in another 5 or 10 years. Your mother is wise enough to know that and wise enough to know how you're compromising your future.

 

I'd be disgusted too if it were my daughter marrying someone his age. And I'd have to wonder what's so damned wrong with HIM that he's chasing young girls half his age and can't relate to women his own age. There's something incredibly creepy about that.

 

"Jealous" is about the LAST word to describe your mother's reaction. Believe me.

[BlueIris]

...

I found Love in him and that's all that should matter. To my mother as well.

 

I disagree with you on that. Love is not all that matters when marrying someone. Marriage is about love but it is also a serious commitment with legal, financial and psychological consequences that ought to be considered before making that commitment.

 

A 24 year age difference is significant. His having had a “tough life” and preferring to live “at the fringe of society” are awfully vague but don't sound good.

 

You could take a few years to get to know him and how he lives before making such a huge decision. There's no hurry, is there? If he is in a hurry to get married, stop.

[preraph]

"living at the fringe of society" isn't going to be much fun for you, and there's some unhealthy reason he chooses to do that.

 

The age gap is ridiculous. You never mentioned your father, so I'm assuming that has something to do with this, too. Because this man is old enough to be your father. Where is your father?

[Dayakit]

To Madyg88: of course I can answer. I try not to give too many details because this forum is public, but I can answer to your questions.

- We met because we opened the second eatery by the sea in an area that attracts summer tourists. He lives here because he charters his boat and goes big game fishing with it (professionally) during summer and runs a taxidermy business during winter. He's self employed and has a serious source of income, he's used to hard work. Actually we met because he started coming for buying food, beer and other stuff from my place. I knew since I first saw him I was going to fall for him, but it took months for him to take the initiative and ask me out.

When I said "fringe of society" and "tough life", I didn't mean anything bad or illegal. I meant that he's almost an hermit, his life is work/shack/work/shack and occasionally goes to the pub for a beer with his very few fellows, he doesn't have a "social life". He's the kind of person who leaves alone with his boat for a month and is content with it. Completely far from chasing women and young girls. He never went out with a much younger woman and he was single since quite a lot of time. And he had a tough life, beginning from the fact his family was not wealthy enough to support his education and he dropped out of high school to start working. He would join the army back then, but a series of situations prevented it. He's self made.

- He doesn't have kids. His life has been rather uncommon and adventurous, he had wives but no children.

- He looks exactly like my ideal man (rugged from clothes to beard, manly, blue eyed, strong inside and out, my kind of guy) but that was just how and why I noticed him. I discovered the incredible person he is, intense, outspoken, loyal, wry, old fashioned (in a way that I like), the kind of person who looks surly/crusty but has a lion heart. He never lies, never acts like someone he is not, he is protective and the one who is there when you need him. This doesn't make him perfect but makes him stand out and just think we never quarreled. Never. He may be salty but always showed respect toward me. In fact, although he's used to be the man who supports the woman, he told me it's ok for him if I'll be working too. He is not possessive in a way that suffocates my needs.

- Telling him to wait after months you lived the best time of your life sounds forced, ain't that? When you are in love and trust the person you are with, it's a mutual desire. I want his children. Saying he's old for me, yes, it's evident... but it is not enough when you love someone so much that he takes your breath away whenever you are together. You must understand that as he's not 30, years are too much for him to wait. He's not in a hurry. He's so generous with me he'd wait probably.

 

I tried to reply enough about the questions; anyway, my mother seems bitter and jealous because my father dumped her 7 years ago for another woman. Since then she got so attached to me some said it's unhealthy. The only guy she liked was the son of a close friends of hers, 8 years older than me, nice looking, promising future, you know, the "fake thing". It did not work between us. He cheated on me with every girl he met, pretending he'd marry me the day after and trying to take me back through expensive gifts. I was with him because my mother wanted it, eventually she gave up when she saw how depressed I was. My father is an irresponsible person I love but still an irresponsible person, he didn't give us a penny due to his new girlfriend's high demands and now he comes tell me my man is not the one for me.

[madyg88]

oh god you actually sound in love girl.

to talk about your situation we should all need to forget prejudices and be honest if this can be of any help.

you make good points but you must stop and think too.

 

anyway,i assume from all you said he is a man of great experience,he lived a life of hardship,he has been battled,he is the original macho who seems to come from 1910.these are not red flags themselves but i also assume you are a middle/upper class family girl with no such experiences,you sound like a sensitive and sweet girl,there's nothing wrong you are fascinated by him but i think your mother is afraid you are taking PASSION for LOVE.

as you two are so different it can be understood a great attraction between you two but marriage means believing these differences don't tear you two apart which instead i think can happen.you are still in the initial enthusiastic moment but believe me deeply different backgrounds can be major issues in a longterm story.

 

i have no doubts this guy has values but please consider this:you are a GOLDEN CATCH for him.he may be handsome or charismatic or picturesque in his world,he's maybe the one who tells funny jokes and wise things,he may be one of a kind,but at the end of the day he is a lonely man whose life is just working for a living after a series of failed relationships.then he meets a girl who's a flower,young,hot,smart,and she wants him.dude's probably going to win the Luck awards this year.

for you,he's no good catch honestly.no matter if he may be attractive under a couple of levels,he's got serious limits for you.apart from the age gap,his source of income is uncertain because his job needs strength first of all,which in 10 years he won't have anymore.who'll support him and your kids?

and be aware of the fact that sea people have never been the supermodels of society.they're the type of people that live like their boats,driven by the tide,i would not be surprised if you discover he has a child somewhere.

for him a marital commitment to you is not a big commitment:i think he doesn't pay taxes regularly and if you split,he owes you really little,to you and your kids.he lived his life.you did not.for him,it's all an adventure potentially.the nightmare could be yours not his.

 

your mother MAY be as you said,but she may also be frightened by the idea that a man who is a hell of an adventure becomes an appalling husband.maybe he is marvellous,but there are elements of a potential tragedy seen from her point of view.

does he know about your family's opinion?

[d0nnivain]

You are both entrepreneurs He doesn't "live on the fringe of society." He simply doesn't have a conventional 9-5 job.

 

 

Start figuring out how you can replace your mother in the business & still be profitable.

 

 

If you are truly a 28 year old mature entrepreneur capable of making her own intelligent decisions start acting like it. Show your mother that she is wrong by making it work.

[bathtub-row]

Because I've made so many bad decisions in the past where men are concerned, I have a new rule -- if my family doesn't like someone I'm dating, the relationship with that guy is over. Thinking back to all my past relationships, my family didn't really like any of them. Remember, your family has no agenda except to see you happy.

 

First of all, this guy is way too old for you. Secondly, I hate to be the one to break it to you but love is NOT all that matters. If that were true, the divorce rate would drop by about 90%.

 

Hate to say it but you sound pretty immature and naive. If I were your mother, I would've voiced my opinion about this relationship a long time ago, before it got to this stage.

 

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by him living on the fringes of society but what I immediately think of is a guy who hasn't got a clue about how to make it in this world, and that he's socially inept.

 

Please be very careful with this guy. You own a business and he could very well be looking for someone to take care of him financially. He could end up destroying what you and your mom have worked so hard in building. And just because you don't believe there are people like that in this world, or that he could be that way, I'm here to tell you that it's very real, and yes he could easily be that way. Don't forget he's getting older and thinking mostly about how he's going to survive in old age. People can be very cunning. They can talk a great story and fool you like there's no tomorrow. He knows how to trick a person like you, he knows all the right things to say and do. Your mom sees something that you're not seeing. If nothing else, please take a step back and proceed with caution. This guy could very well become abusive and controlling once you're married. It happens quite often.

 

If you persist in this marriage, please do one small thing -- get him to sign a pre-nup to make sure he has no claim on your business. Because I can almost guarantee you that this marriage is about money and that it won't last. You must protect yourself at all cost.

[Dayakit]

To answer to Bathtub-Row:

If you read a little above, in the 6th reply of this topic I explained better about us two, included what I meant with "fringe of society". He is the last man on earth who can be called a do-nothing person, he worked all his life and went through hard knocks never complaining. He built his house on his own, his boat on his own, he's used to doing any kind of difficult stuff alone. He asked me if I wanted to sell my business when getting married with him and since I answered no, he told me he's ok with me working but that it's my job and he doesn't want to be involved. Obviously we will sign a pre-nup anyway, I'd do it with whoever.

Just for the record, he paid everything and still pays everything when we are together. He never lets me pay, never, even if we both have a source of income. I appreciate your reply by the way.

 

I agree with most of what you said, Madyg88, it's alright. What I don't find myself agreeing with is the fact that differences create a split: so does being similar, since it becomes boring before starting. There's no perfect relationship out there. Also I'd like to remind you that he had been the one who retired from social life time ago, it's not that women don't want him. He's handsome, exceptionally strong, smart, he makes you laugh, he's self assured and wise with a lot of things to say, the list is long. He was born in the working class and isn't an educated college boy, but I don't think it's something all women demand from their partners. I don't think every woman finds it otrageous that their man uses some foul language, makes moonshine as an hobby and isn't interested in fashionable clothing. At least I am not one of them.

And... passion is not love but it's part of it. I could never be with a guy that doesn't attract me and doesn't satisfy me. I am very sexual, and for me that's an important thing in a couple.

 

He doesn't know it yet exactly how my mother thinks about it. He thinks she's rather indifferent to this, I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable reasonlessly. I am trying to figure out a way to make her act in a less emotional way and take some time, that's why I wrote this here.

[d0nnivain]

He doesn't know it yet exactly how my mother thinks about it. He thinks she's rather indifferent to this, I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable reasonlessly. I am trying to figure out a way to make her act in a less emotional way and take some time, that's why I wrote this here.

 

You need to tell him your mother has concerns. Perhaps you & he can talk to her together to ease her concerns.

 

 

You can't make her change how she acts or thinks. You can ease her fears about your future by behaving like a business woman. Show her two business & marketing plans: the 1st is how things will work once you are married if she sticks around. The 2nd is how you will still move forward in her absence. Make sure she knows you will be asking your FI for a pre-nup so that his business remains his and your business remains yours. Logic more then emotion will be the best persuasion you can offer.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think your mother is looking to make sure she'll be taken care of in her old age, and she worries this guy isn't stable and secure enough to help you contribute to that. She feels so strongly about this that she would leave the business and move out of the country so she would be more secure with other family.

 

Given her age and the fact that your dad abandoned her and you, not even giving you any support, I think it's smart for your mother to think about the financial/business realities here.

 

You can either let her leave, or make a more convincing case for her to stay. I think your guy will have to get to know your mom so she understands that you (and she) won't be abandoned by him, too. It might not work, but I think that's your only hope of keeping her in the country and in the business, and defusing the drama.

[madyg88]

obviously as others stated i think the reason why your mother felt that unconfortable is not just his age.

you described him as a colorful yet rather unconventional person,who has an unconventional way of living.

think:your mother is not YOU so all she sees is a middle age seadog who lives mostly alone with more than one marriages ended and a loud personality (as far as i understand when you say "salty","self assured",uses "foul language" easily and so on) asking the hand of her potentially very successful young daughter (who's healthy,kind,runs a business and is pretty enough to enter beauty contests).

she DOESN'T see the person you see underneath this appearance (who probably is a good person,with values,strength and all you said),cause she doesn't know him.normally,you don't expect a girl like you to be with a man like him.only on an "exterior" level,it's obvious most people would advice against a marriage with him,and it's obvious a single mother is afraid your fairytale turns into a nightmare sooner than the honeymoon.

then maybe he's really a great dude,but just from an external view,many would not agree with your choice.so,does your mother know him?did they meet?