Is 'hanging out' a date? No hug, no kiss?

[tayriley]

Let me premise by saying that I'm 30 years old and I've never properly done 'dating' before. In the past, my boyfriends have all come from guys that were part of a group of friends I hung out with. So it really would begin with some drinking with friends, then making out, then hooking up, then maybe relationship.

 

Recently, a guy I met at a party showed interest in me and asked an acquaintance for my number. He texted me right away to 'hang out.' (his words, not mine) We ended up going to a dinner on a Thursday at a restaurant he chose. It was an order-at-the-counter place, and he already had his wallet out to pay, so I didn't suggest splitting the bill.

 

We talked, ate and stayed at the restaurant for about an hour and a half. After that, he asked if I was ready to leave. I said ok, and we parted ways. The entire time, he never tried to touch me (like on the arm or leg), and he didn't even go in for a hug at the end of the date. I was the one that hugged him. We were parked in opposite directions, and he didn't walk me to my car either. (That would've given us private time for a possible kiss.)

 

Right before we left each other, he asked if I might want to 'hang out' again sometime and that he would text me. (It's been less than 2 days- he hasn't yet)

 

As my past relationships have all been friendships that blossomed into sexual relationships, this 'hang out' session really threw me. Does he keep saying 'hang out' to make it a 'not-a-date'? Why? If he is romantically/sexually interested, why not be up front with it? The no-touching, no-hugging, no-kissing thing makes me think he isn't sexually interested in me at all. Tbh, I am physically attracted enough to him that even if the date was bad, I would've still seriously considered sleeping with him.

 

So my question is (especially to the guys out there)- do you ever NOT touch/hug/kiss a girl on the first date even though you are interested in them? Do you go out of your way to call it 'hang out' instead of 'date'? Why?

 

I just dont know what dating etiquette is these days among 30 year olds...could someone please shine some light on it? Do you exclusively text to ask someone out for the first time or do some guys out there still make a phone call to ask a girl out? How long between dates? Do you end a weekday date early because of work the next day or if attracted, do you try to sleep with them regardless? He also didn't offer to pick me up for this date or even ask what part of town I live in (I asked him- he answered and never bothered asking back.)

 

I keep coming back to the 'sex and the city' line 'he's just not that into you.' according to a girl on that show, if the guy isn't showing sexual interest at the end of a date, then he's just not into you. Is this true? (and yes, there is an obvious exception if they are asexual, which i do not believe him to be.)

Edited April 23, 2016 by tayriley

[KatZee]

No. "Hanging out" is NEVER a date. And if you settle for this now, accept this now, don't expect that you'll be treated any better as time goes on.

 

A date is: A man planning an event, doesn't have to be expensive, hell it doesn't even have to cost anything, but it must show effort, thought, and planning. A man will pick you up. A man will treat you to dinner, drinks, coffee, dessert. A man will plan an "event" type thing, maybe going out mini golfing, or an active sport you both can enjoy. A date takes place OUTSIDE of someone's house.

 

I'm going to be 32 and dating is TERRIBLE these days. This article pretty much sums up the dating atmosphere:

 

Why Modern Dating Makes Me Want To Punch Myself In The Throat | Thought Catalog

 

There's a good comment section too.

Edited April 23, 2016 by KatZee

[smackie9]

This guy IS interested in you or he would never ask you out again. IMO it was a date, but a casual date which most do these days, and it makes sense because why dump $100 bucks on a formal dinner date with someone you just met. He had his wallet out to make sure you got the message. The reason he hasn't been leaning in for a kiss or a hug is because he lacks confidence. The clue? He asked an acquaintance for your number, and text you to ask you out (lame). Believe it or not, a lot of shy guys suck at dating because they send the wrong signals from their lack of assertiveness. Leave us wondering how interested they truly are. You are good, he likes you.

[Erik30]

Sometimes people like to call it "hanging out" to take some pressure off of the situation, even though it is meant to be a date.

 

Ik think this guy is either really shy, or not that interested anymore.(Probably the latter) Sure he asked you out, but he didn't even walk you to your car after the date.

 

I would at least kiss the girl on her cheek or hug, if I was interested, but felt like it was too soon for a kiss. Seems like this guy was fine with just saying "see ya."

Edited April 23, 2016 by Erik30

[tayriley]

thanks for the replies, guys. three different people, three very differing opinions. you all make really good points. i really appreciate the feedback. i think this is one of those situations where only time will tell. if he doesnt ask me out again, it will be obvious, of course. if he does and it is another date like this one, i'd probably talk to the acquaintance and see what his history with girls is and whether he is a player, a serial dater, a serial monogamist, or just shy/awkward.

 

he doesnt strike me as a player, but he did mention at one point during dinner that he needed to help out a female friend overseas by sending her an item she couldnt order from her country. i've kind of had my fill of eager-to-please guys with my last boyfriend, so that comment turned me off a bit. maybe he was trying to make me jealous? i dont want to read too much into it.

[LookAtThisPOst]

and asked an acquaintance for my number

 

Asked an acquaintance? Already off to a bad start on his part as he didn't ask you directly?

[tayriley]

yeah, as a previous commenter mentioned, it may indicate he is shy? it doesnt really bother me that he asked someone else and not me. i can see how it can be intimidating to ask a stranger for their info. the acquaintance was the host of the party and his good friend, so there is also some 'permission' thing going on there, i think. like 'do you mind if i ask this girl out?' kind of thing.

[Poutrew]

Believe it or not, not all men demand sex on the first date. If this guy has 1950's sensibilities, then you may not even get to the sex part for a month or longer. When I see a post by a girl complaining about why the guy didn't just ravish her on the first date, and how she has never experienced anything so alien as a man who is interested in her but keeps his zipper closed, I think of how far women have come since the 1950's...but not in a good way. What I would say is that maybe this guy has had a conservative upbringing, and to just relax about the sex part - it'll happen when it happens. If you just gotta get laid Right Now, then your expectations are too different from his and to just stop seeing him - there are plenty of men who will have sex with you on the first date (or even before)...

[Lois_Griffin]

That sounds like the lamest 'date' ever. Asking for you number then TEXTING you and asking you to hang out? []

 

Your problem is you're 30 years old and have zero expectations.

 

I suppose this guy was a notch above the rest of the [men] but not by much. He sounds socially stunted.

 

Aim higher. Seriously.

Edited April 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language and decency

[tayriley]

That sounds like the lamest 'date' ever. Asking for you number then TEXTING you and asking you to hang out? []

 

Your problem is you're 30 years old and have zero expectations.

 

I suppose this guy was a notch above the rest of the [men] but not by much. He sounds socially stunted.

 

Aim higher. Seriously.

 

[]

 

my original point was that i have been friends (sometimes for YEARS) with a guy BEFORE we ever have sex or date. so i've never had the experience with going out with someone i've only had one conversation with.

Edited April 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language and response to edited material redacted

[iphone_user1]

Well, I say hang out when I do wanna hang out and not looking for something serious (date). But that's me, he sounds shy though. And yes, many people say hang out to take off some pressure.

[tayriley]

UPDATE

 

He asked, via text, whether I wanted to get lunch on Sunday. I understand his wanting to keep things casual, but in my experience, that still means the guy will show sexual interest- which he doesn't seem to do. No compliments about the way i look, no touching, no suggestive flirting...it's very confusing.

[strawberryshortstack]

UPDATE

 

He asked, via text, whether I wanted to get lunch on Sunday. I understand his wanting to keep things casual, but in my experience, that still means the guy will show sexual interest- which he doesn't seem to do. No compliments about the way i look, no touching, no suggestive flirting...it's very confusing.

 

 

He may just be shy, or not have much experience with dating himself.

 

Maybe he needs to warm up to you before he's comfortable with those behaviors?

 

Did you enjoy the first "date"? Did you say yes to a second one?

[tayriley]

He may just be shy, or not have much experience with dating himself.

 

Maybe he needs to warm up to you before he's comfortable with those behaviors?

 

Did you enjoy the first "date"? Did you say yes to a second one?

 

Thanks for the reply. I don't know his exact age, but he is 30ish, good looking and clearly interested in the way he presents himself (he dresses well, has quaffed hair and well trimmed facial hair)...which is why it would surprise me if he didn't have much dating experience.

 

I enjoyed the first date ok, but was thrown at what his intentions were and also felt it ended really abruptly. I'm used to 'hanging' with a guy for hours if we are into each other. True, the restaurant was closing and it was a weekday night, but we could've gone to a bar or his place but he didn't make of mention of either. Just not used that, I guess.

 

I didn't say yes to lunch. I am slightly annoyed at how casual he makes these dates sound- 'let's hang out' 'let's grab lunch'--- i guess it'd be nice if he made more of an effort and plans to show he is interested instead of acting like i'm a platonic friend.

[TXGuy]

Asked an acquaintance? Already off to a bad start on his part as he didn't ask you directly?

 

Since he is obviously not a player you want to avoid him. (If he was a player, you would want to avoid him too).

 

Sarcasm off. What are you looking for? A player? This guy isn't it.

 

He might or might not be confident enough for you, but he is not a pump and dump guy.

[tayriley]

 

What are you looking for? A player? This guy isn't it.

 

He might or might not be confident enough for you, but he is not a pump and dump guy.

 

lol thanks for that. i guess i was thrown off by how non-intimate he was. also, he is really good looking and well put-together, so i was truly wondering if he was a player...but you are right, a player would be confident enough to be more forward with me.

[TheBathWater]

So my question is (especially to the guys out there)- do you ever NOT touch/hug/kiss a girl on the first date even though you are interested in them? Do you go out of your way to call it 'hang out' instead of 'date'? Why?

 

I know some men who approach from this angle precisely because it is 'different' and gets women to wonder about them more. That might answer your question.

[tayriley]

I know some men who approach from this angle precisely because it is 'different' and gets women to wonder about them more. That might answer your question.

 

hmm, i dislike that a lot. seems really manipulative.

[alphamale]

"hanging out", whatever that implies, is not a date

[LostOne08]

It sounds like this just doesn't have the confidence right now for whatever reason. It could be he's intimidated by you, or it could be he just doesn't have the experience.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I've never gotten the "green light" from a friend to ask one of their female friends out. I've always made it a point to ask the woman out directly rather than going through back channels to get her number from someone else. To me, and I could be wrong, that always just seemed a little bit creepy to me. Even if she was expecting me to get her number from someone other than her, just to call or text her out of the blue doesn't seem like the smoothest move to make. So I've always made it a point to: one, ask her for her number from her and two, make it clear I'm asking her out on a "date". I think the most vague statement I've made in that regard was "I'd like to take you out." It certainly wasn't "let's hang out sometime".

 

I've also always escalated physical contact when possible on a first date, be it touching or a light grab or hold or whatever. That being said, I've had first (and second) dates that didn't end with a kiss. But I've never had any date that didn't end with a hug or walking the woman to her car/door or wherever.

 

That being said, I do feel sorry for this guy on some level. He absolutely could have done more to indicate he was romantically interested in you, but like I said above, he could have just been nervous or not confident. No touching at all on a first date is kind of weird. As men, it's hard to pick up signals from women, as well. This is even the case for a lot of guys who have the experience, even if it's just the initial first few dates.

 

Let me ask you, how would you have wanted the night to end? Sex? Or would you have been happy with just a hug goodbye? Or more touching? Or making out? Or a quick kiss? I don't think you made it clear what you WANTED to happen. Just that you're unhappy with what DID happen.

 

Also, did you do enough to make him pick up that you wanted to be touched more?

[Eighty_nine]

I think the guy is definitely interested in you.

 

On my first date with my bf, it was clear to me that he was into me. But then at the end he said goodbye so casually.. No hug, kiss, mention of a second date. So for a little while I was seriously wondering if he wasn't interested. He texted me a couple hours later saying he had a great time and is wondering if I want to get together again.

 

He didn't really try to kiss me on our next date either, so I kissed him. He told me he just wasn't sure if he was getting the 'vibe' from me that I wanted him to kiss me, and he didn't want to take a chance.

 

But yeah, I don't think those things mean much in the beginning. Guys want to be polite, don't want to be presumptious and definitely don't want to be rejected.

[tayriley]

 

Let me ask you, how would you have wanted the night to end? Sex? Or would you have been happy with just a hug goodbye? Or more touching? Or making out? Or a quick kiss? I don't think you made it clear what you WANTED to happen. Just that you're unhappy with what DID happen.

 

Also, did you do enough to make him pick up that you wanted to be touched more?

 

Thanks for that really thought-out reply.

 

To answer your question, the restaurant we were at was closing, so if it would have been my choice, I would've liked going to a nearby cafe or bar or take a walk to spend more time together. If it led to kissing or more, I would be totally cool with it. It was a weekday night, though, so I am taking into account that he probably had to get up early the next day (I mostly work from home, so I didn't).

 

The reason it's an unsatisfying date is that I left it feeling I still don't really know anything about him, and he doesn't know anything about me. And if it were just a pure physical attraction thing, I would've been cool with a makeout session, but that didn't happen either....so it's like...nothing happened.

 

You do make a good case about the intimidation thing. I have been told in the past (by both men and women) that I am intimidating. I definitely don't mean to be but I guess something I put out makes me seem that way.

 

Anyway, he texted me to ask me to lunch, but I didnt respond (we started talking about something else and then the texting died out). I havent heard from him in 3 days now, so this whole thing might be over. It's too bad because I was really attracted to him. If I start regretting things, I might text him, but I think I just really want to see HIM make a REAL move to show his interest in me.

[Arieswoman]

OP if this guy can't be bothered to pick up a phone to ask you for a date or make arrangements then I wouldn't be bothered to see him.

 

Stop making excuses for someone who's just plain lazy. If a guy is really into you you'll know about it, and he'll start taking you on real dates, not just "hanging out".

 

Lois G nails it here;

 

That sounds like the lamest 'date' ever. Asking for you number then TEXTING you and asking you to hang out? What is he, 14?

 

Your problem is you're 30 years old and have zero expectations. You hook up with random guys and THEN have 'relationships' with them (I can't imagine the quality of these 'relationships' considering they all start off with drunken sex).

 

Jeez. Don't you value yourself any more than that?

 

It's not rocket science. It really isn't. When you respect yourself more, you don't settle for any loser who wants to get laid at the end of night.

 

I suppose this guy was a notch above the rest of the mouth breathers but not by much. He sounds socially stunted.

 

Aim higher. Seriously.

[Arieswoman]

tayriley,

I have no idea about LoisG's age/age group but actually I agree with her. Not quite about women "respecting themselves by not having sex" but respecting themselves by not having sex too early if they want a relationship.

 

IMO there's a difference between a woman embracing her own sexuality and giving it away to any guy who she "hooks up" with.

 

It seems to me that courting ( now that's old fashioned word ) has disappeared and been replaced by availability and laziness.

As long as women accept lazy behaviour from men then they'll continue to get it.

 

You can take my advice or leave it, that's your choice, but it doesn't alter the fact that the guy is just plain idle and wants you to do the heavy lifting

[ltjg45]

Recently, a guy I met at a party showed interest in me and asked an acquaintance for my number. He texted me right away to 'hang out.' (his words, not mine) We ended up going to a dinner on a Thursday at a restaurant he chose. It was an order-at-the-counter place, and he already had his wallet out to pay, so I didn't suggest splitting the bill.

 

Hmmm......weird that he asked (what I assumed is) one of your friends for your number instead of you directly. Not only did he/she give it to him but when he texted you, you responded back positively without knowing that he has your number without your prior knowledge.

 

When he asked you to come to dinner on a Thursday, did he do so with the intention of "dating" you or is this the part where he was "hanging out" with you?

 

Next, how old is he?

 

We talked, ate and stayed at the restaurant for about an hour and a half. After that, he asked if I was ready to leave. I said ok, and we parted ways. The entire time, he never tried to touch me (like on the arm or leg), and he didn't even go in for a hug at the end of the date. I was the one that hugged him. We were parked in opposite directions, and he didn't walk me to my car either. (That would've given us private time for a possible kiss.)

 

The underlined part is REALLY weird considering he did asked you out. He didn't even try to hug you which has basically no sexual content in it.

 

Either he is not physically attracted to you (in which case, it made no sense as to why he asked you out) or he has limited social experience. I am assuming the latter especially since he asked you out again.....but I will get to that.

 

Right before we left each other, he asked if I might want to 'hang out' again sometime and that he would text me. (It's been less than 2 days- he hasn't yet)

 

As my past relationships have all been friendships that blossomed into sexual relationships, this 'hang out' session really threw me. Does he keep saying 'hang out' to make it a 'not-a-date'? Why? If he is romantically/sexually interested, why not be up front with it? The no-touching, no-hugging, no-kissing thing makes me think he isn't sexually interested in me at all. Tbh, I am physically attracted enough to him that even if the date was bad, I would've still seriously considered sleeping with him.

 

As you said, it should throw you off because it certainly did throw me off as well.

 

It made me wonder if your first "date" was really just "hanging out" in his mind. Secondly, he made no mention of calling you despite you showed positive interest in him by directly giving him a hug at the end of the "date" (or hanging out session).

 

I am thinking he is attracted to you but he is also socially clueless. This has nothing but "weird" written all over this. Even I would have attempted to at least hug you and touch you during the first time being out if I am physically attracted to you.....and I am not the kind of guy who pushes for sex early on either. I also would have called you for the next date especially once I get confirmation from you that you actually liked me.

 

Perhaps I am not as clueless socially as I think I am.

 

So my question is (especially to the guys out there)- do you ever NOT touch/hug/kiss a girl on the first date even though you are interested in them? Do you go out of your way to call it 'hang out' instead of 'date'? Why?

 

While I won't be as forward as most guys is during a first date, I also would have touched and hugged her if nothing else, even kissed her if she shows signs that she wants to be kissed. I also would have called it a "date" if I am interested in the woman as a potential romantic partner. Using the word "hanging out" would suggest that I see you as just a friend and nothing more.

 

I just dont know what dating etiquette is these days among 30 year olds...could someone please shine some light on it? Do you exclusively text to ask someone out for the first time or do some guys out there still make a phone call to ask a girl out? How long between dates? Do you end a weekday date early because of work the next day or if attracted, do you try to sleep with them regardless? He also didn't offer to pick me up for this date or even ask what part of town I live in (I asked him- he answered and never bothered asking back.)

 

I keep coming back to the 'sex and the city' line 'he's just not that into you.' according to a girl on that show, if the guy isn't showing sexual interest at the end of a date, then he's just not into you. Is this true? (and yes, there is an obvious exception if they are asexual, which i do not believe him to be.)

 

I am far more careful when it comes to selecting women to ask out for dates than most guys. I rarely ask any more than 5 women a year out on a date because I always screen them out in public before I consider approaching them. Even then, when I do approach, I do so with the intention of asking them out on a date. After the first date (provided I don't forget to get their phone number afterwards), I will call them for future dates if I am still interested. Lastly, I certainly do not make any attempt at sleeping with her unless she shows interest first.

 

After all, one of the things I need from a woman is one that knows what she wants and actually shows it through her actions. I refuse to play mind games and I expect her the same from her. If she wants to sleep with me, show it. Don't make me guess.

 

Finally, I typically don't schedule for weekday dates unless I am off that night (since I currently work overnight at the moment). If I was working in the daytime, same thing. I rather not plan for a date unless I am off the next day.

 

I hope this helps. Now if I can find more than 1 woman that is attractive to me each month, I may get somewhere in the dating game.

Edited April 28, 2016 by ltjg45