healthyhopes Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 I finally got over the kid who had me down in the dumps for so long. Then I met another one, who's wild and fun and absolutely hilarious It appeared that he liked me, since he texted me often despite the fact that he doesn't like to text, and would always be in the same places as me to hang out t. He ditched his friends to hang with me, et cetera. After school, he hangs out with my group of friends. He shows all the signs of romantic interest, as he always looks at me, teases me, et cetera. Recently however, I made him take this dark triad test as a joke and he scored high on the psychOpathy section. I know it's just a dumb online test, but I was curious so i asked him about how empathetic he feels. He said that he has no sense of empathy, and doesn't care for anyone. When I asked him what he would feel if his mother died, he said "everyone dies". When I asked him about the last time he cried, he said "maybe as an infant" I asked him if he cared if he hurt other's feelings, and he said he didn't, and couldn't tell if he did. I'm especially worried because it appears we are moving towards what appears to be a romantic relationship, and double worried because we are going to prom together. I really like him, but I need someone who could actually care about me, and I'm not sure if he could do that. Yesterday, when I was having a hard time while we were hanging out, he asked me what was wrong a couple of times. Another time, when I told him I was upset because he made fun of my clothing, he said he didn't mean it offensively and that he was sorry. Perhaps he is trying despite his lack? Even though he very clearly said he didn't care for anyone at all? I'm not sure, it worries me a bit. (Especially since I'm a VERY empathetic person) What would you do in this situation?
Author healthyhopes Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 In social situations, his lack of empathy is pretty apparent. It's not that he's outright rude, he just doesn't seem to understand or care very much about other's emotions 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Gut instincts seldom lie. What's more, he's TOLD you what he thinks.... That said, could I ask how old you both are....? 1
Zippy2000 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Narcissistic behaviour?I have a colleague at work like that. No empathy. All he cares is about is himself, talks about himself and how ill he is.When you start talking or telling my colleague about your own troubles? Not even interested and turns the conversation back to him.Tread carefully. He`ll only look after his own interests and will see everyone as just a commodity than a person. 1
Buddhist Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 I would stop dating teenagers who think it's cool to be a 'psycho'. 6
Taramere Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 (edited) I would stop dating teenagers who think it's cool to be a 'psycho'. Qualified agreement with this. His outlook sounds not at all unusual for a teenager. Avoiding dating impressionable teenage boys who have that element of thinking it's a bit cool to be a psycho might ultimately mean a teenage girl doesn't have much of a dating life full stop. Which probably isn't a road the OP, as a teenage girl, wants to go down. This sounds more about handling the taxing business of teenage dating than avoiding it altogether. What would you do in this situation? I used to be really interested in the subjects of psychopathy and narcissism, but ultimately what really matters is how people behave and what choices they make. "Psychopathy" is, more than anything else, a medico-legal term that refers to criminals who are unlikely to be rehabilitated (ie because their antisocial tendencies are so deeply ingrained). There are lots of people who are low in empathy but who do not engage in anti-social or criminal activities...and to that extent I would say that low empathy is really just another personality type. It doesn't mean somebody is a terrible person. However, if you get the sense that somebody is really impressed by and cultivating the whole "low empathy, a bit brutal and cold" etc personality...well, that would suggest a somewhat weak or frightened personality (underlying all the bravado) to me. Which is probably not what you would want in a boyfriend. I had a boyfriend like that when I was 16. He behaved like a sh*t, until I decided that instead of pandering to the insecurity I sensed underlay it all, I was going to attack it. Nemo me impune lacessit and all that. This resulted in him becoming a suck up towards me. He was basically a mess. I was being somebody I didn't like, in an attempt to stand up to him, and he was respecting that "me who I didn't like". I finished with him. Then I went out with another boy who was probably more of the genuine "antisocial tendencies bordering on psychopathic" teenagers. The latter was inconsiderate to me, but in a typical thoughtless teenage boy rather than malicious "I want to hurt you" way. The relationship fizzled out pretty quickly, but I've bumped into that guy a few times over the years. He grew up, did quite well for himself and generally seems like a sound enough person to me. Bottom line, people who know who they are, who accept that there are both strengths and weaknesses attached to their particular personality type - and who view others in much the same way tend to be the best kind of people in my experience. Regardless of their particular temperament. If your low empathy guy friend ridicules other people for having higher levels of empathy, and doesn't combine it with any appreciation for them having a different approach/outlook to his own, then he's probably a bad bet. You've described a combination of what sounds like immaturity ("I don't care about anybody") and a reasonable approach of him making efforts to understand you. Basically, your average conflicted teenage boy who is probably still trying to work out who he is in all sorts of ways. It would be a mistake to think you can rely on/will be cared for by a guy like that in the way that your dad, for example, would look out for you. But that doesn't mean he's a bad person, or a psychopath. If you're in a particularly vulnerable state as a result of your previous relationship, however, then you maybe will end up feeling burned by this relationship. All I can say is that I don't think it's fair to handle that by labelling him as a dark triad resident or a psychopath. Part of growing up means that we own our vulnerabilities and learn to address them. Having high empathy is a great thing, but it can also make you more sensitive and more easily hurt. That's something you will have to learn to manage - and once you do manage it, you'll be setting yourself up for success in all sorts of areas of life. This guy you're talking about might have something to teach you in that respect...and you might have something to teach him. However, if both of you approach things in a "he's a psychopath" "she's weak and emotional" frame of mind, then you're probably just going to end up making eachother feel bad. Edited April 23, 2016 by Taramere 2
Lois_Griffin Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 What would I do? Realize that teenagers change boyfriends and girlfriends like most people change their socks. In the scheme of things, you won't even remember this kids' name in a couple of years. 4
KatZee Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 What would I do? Realize that teenagers change boyfriends and girlfriends like most people change their socks. In the scheme of things, you won't even remember this kids' name in a couple of years. Was just going to say this. You're going to prom with him.. You're kids. You'll both leave for college and you'll forget all about him by the 2nd month. Believe me. Been there. 1
Rainah Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Isnt it a mental illness not to have empathy? Skitsaphrenia?
KatZee Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Isnt it a mental illness not to have empathy? Skitsaphrenia? 1. No. 2. Schizophrenia 3. Lack of empathy is a sign of Narcissistic personality disorder
bathtub-row Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Well, one couldn't say that he's not self-aware. Lol. Seriously, this is NOT a guy you need to have any long-term relationship with. Go to the prom with him, graduate, go to college - or whatever you're going to do - and let him fade from your life like 95% of the other people from high school will do.
yellowhibiscus Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 If someone admits they have no empathy, believe them. Find someone that will better suit your emotional needs. 2
Author healthyhopes Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 Narcissistic behaviour?I have a colleague at work like that. No empathy. All he cares is about is himself, talks about himself and how ill he is.When you start talking or telling my colleague about your own troubles? Not even interested and turns the conversation back to him.Tread carefully. He`ll only look after his own interests and will see everyone as just a commodity than a person. It's not exactly narcissistic I don't think, as much as just inconsiderate and unfeeling. Idk how to describe it exactly.
Author healthyhopes Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 I would stop dating teenagers who think it's cool to be a 'psycho'. Ha I don't think he's saying it to appear cool. I haven't seen any indication of that, and this is the first time this has been brought up. Of course, I haven't known him for too long, so I have no idea if he does for sure. But it doesn't seem like it.
Author healthyhopes Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 Taramere, thanks for your interesting and long post. It helped a lot. I don't think he's doing it out of insecurity or narcissism or anything like that, I think that he genuinely has a low or nonexistent sense of empathy. I made him take another test (I know... I know... but whatever I was curious) and he got a 55/110 on the empathy scale, which was rated as "moderate". Meanwhile, I got a 102 He's not attempting to look cool, and if he's grabbing for attention, it's to get people to laugh. I'm not sure if he's making steps to understand me or not. Him asking if I was okay was a lot more sensitive then the last guy, though Doesn't change the fact that he says he doesn't care for anyone at all. Maybe I just keep talking to rotten people. To those who have said that it's not someone I want in the longrun, I believe you're right. I suppose it's hard to see the whole fade out/highschool thing when you're currently living right in the middle of it. (....aaaaaand he has just sent me a message.)
BlueIris Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 I'm not sure, it worries me a bit. (Especially since I'm a VERY empathetic person) What would you do in this situation? I wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t care about me and doesn’t care if he hurts my feelings- or anyone else's. That sounds terrible.
Taramere Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Taramere, thanks for your interesting and long post. It helped a lot. I don't think he's doing it out of insecurity or narcissism or anything like that, I think that he genuinely has a low or nonexistent sense of empathy. I made him take another test (I know... I know... but whatever I was curious) and he got a 55/110 on the empathy scale, which was rated as "moderate". Meanwhile, I got a 102 Simon Baron Cohen (Borat's cousin!) wrote a book called Zero Degrees of Empathy, which I found quite interesting. He differentiates between Zero Negative (zero empathy which results in many problems for the person - especially in terms of their relationships with others) and Zero Positive. Which is maybe more of the Sheldon Cooper style of low empathy. Perhaps with the latter you could say that there is a moral compass which the Zero Negative doesn't have. In other words, lack of empathy which manifests as difficulty in reading, predicting or understanding other people's emotions, but which isn't accompanied by cruel or antisocial tendencies. In other words, his take seems to be, the fact that somebody lacks empathy doesn't necessarily mean that they are psychopathic or have narcissistic personality disorder. Here he is discussing empathy.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 I think he's a teenage boy who thinks it's cool and edgy to be a "psychopath." Very likely a bunch of bravado. I'd prefer to spend my time with a guy who doesn't think this is cool.
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