trogg Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 So, I met this guy who was visiting my home country over a year ago. We met at a party and we spent three days together before he left. We kept constantly texting for about two months after he returned home, then he suddenly stopped texting me. He was the one who always initiated the conversation and he had always something to say. I must say I couldn't understand why he kept texting me as he was 6000 miles away, but I surely loved it. He used to say that he wanted me to be with him and even said he could come back some day to see me before he left. When I texted him once, he replied kindly and said he missed me, but then stopped texting back again. It was like the second time I texted him first so I'm was acting needy or something. Anyway, after 6 months without contacting me (and after a year we had met), he sent me a message all of a sudden saying the he "kinda missed me", then I replied and he stopped talking again. So I said I was planning on travelling, and he said I should vist him and that I could stay at his place and that he will take care of me. He looked truly excited about it, we kept talking for about a week making plans and all, then we stopped talking again. It's been a month. It really seems that he likes because of the things he said, but he's just so distant and only talks when it's necessary... But also very kind when I talk to him. If I actually travel to his country, we'd met after 2 years. And the crazy thing is that I still think about him everyday. But I'm not sure about his feelings... What should I do? Has someone gone through some similar experience?
PogoStick Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I wouldn't do it to expect something long term to come of it. I would go for a fun, adventurous fling and then move on with my life. 2
basil67 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 A few different thoughts here: You mentioned not being needy and messaging him first. How many times have you initiated texting him? If it's very rare, have you considered that he would probably interpret your lack of initiation as a lack of interest on your part? Regarding staying at his house, it's a lovely offer from him. If you go ahead, view it as a 'holiday romance' and not anything which may turn into something longer lived. At any rate, don't consider a long distance relationship with him unless a) both of you are open to moving near the other and b) you're prepared to initiate conversation with him.
Author trogg Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 Thanks for your replies. So, after he stopped talking to me on a regular basis, I tried to initiate a conversation with him about 4 times, but he wouldn't make the conversation last. Like I said, he replied kindly, but then stopped talking again, so I stopped doing so because I'm pretty sure he would talk to me first if he wanted to. The thing is that it's not exactly like he initiated a conversation because he really only talks what's necessary: no hello, goodnight or how are you (sounds weird, I know). So it was kind of non stoping. The country where he lives is famous for its unemotional citizens, by the way - but he had said really sweet things to me when we were talking. I was even surprised he said quite a few times that he missed me. I know I can't expect more than a "holiday romance", but I think I have strong feelings for him. Anyway, it'll be an adventure in the first place.
Cinnamonstix Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 He lost interest or found someone he was more interested in. He probably reached out again because he was lonely or bored and by the time you replied he was over it. No, you shouldn't travel 6000 miles to see him. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 He lost interest or found someone he was more interested in. He probably reached out again because he was lonely or bored and by the time you replied he was over it. No, you shouldn't travel 6000 miles to see him. Agreed with everything said here. And I speak from personal experience of having been in a similar situation some years ago. Don't waste your time or money, OP.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Thanks for your replies. So, after he stopped talking to me on a regular basis, I tried to initiate a conversation with him about 4 times, but he wouldn't make the conversation last. Like I said, he replied kindly, but then stopped talking again, so I stopped doing so because I'm pretty sure he would talk to me first if he wanted to. The thing is that it's not exactly like he initiated a conversation because he really only talks what's necessary: no hello, goodnight or how are you (sounds weird, I know). So it was kind of non stoping. The country where he lives is famous for its unemotional citizens, by the way - but he had said really sweet things to me when we were talking. I was even surprised he said quite a few times that he missed me. I know I can't expect more than a "holiday romance", but I think I have strong feelings for him. Anyway, it'll be an adventure in the first place. Unemotional is not the same as uninterested. His long periods of silence indicate the latter.
Fruitee Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 At least dont stay at his. Book a hotel. Because he wilm probably stood you up.
Author trogg Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 1. Oh, okay. It might be hard to believe, but I'm not a starry-eyed romantic. I'm aware he might just want a fling (there aren't really many reasonable options when we live so far from each other), and it would be okay for me too. Even though I have feelings for him, I just feel I need to see him once again because we had so little time while he was here. And It wouldn't be a waste of money at all - even if he was that uninterested like you said. I really want to go on a trip, and the place is awesome. My main concern is liking him even more after the trip because I know he would get distant again at some point. So perhaps I should travel to somewhere else and try to move on? 2. I honestly don't think he would stood me up. I find it very unlikely since he's very polite and respectful. He's a serious person, and it would be not only irresponsible, but also very mean of him. Unless he's mentally unstable, I don't think he has a reason to do that. He can just say he don't want to see me. He was the one who invited me in the first place and I never told him I have feelings for him. When he said he missed me and wanted to be with me, I just said I felt the same way, but that was all. It's not like he's pretending to be nice so I don't get hurt... Oh, I'm not an English speaker, so it's kind of hard to explain some stuff... But it's been really enlightening to hear some different perspectives. I appreciate all of your advices.
Fruitee Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 6 months no contact. 1 year with out seeing him. He is polite. Why do you think it is good idea to stay at his?
Fruitee Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Also it has been month since he asked you to visit and then again no contact. So why do you think he would show up? Because he seems so trustworth?
kidm Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 (edited) 1. Oh, okay. It might be hard to believe, but I'm not a starry-eyed romantic. I'm aware he might just want a fling (there aren't really many reasonable options when we live so far from each other), and it would be okay for me too. Even though I have feelings for him, I just feel I need to see him once again because we had so little time while he was here. And It wouldn't be a waste of money at all - even if he was that uninterested like you said. I really want to go on a trip, and the place is awesome. My main concern is liking him even more after the trip because I know he would get distant again at some point. So perhaps I should travel to somewhere else and try to move on? 2. I honestly don't think he would stood me up. I find it very unlikely since he's very polite and respectful. He's a serious person, and it would be not only irresponsible, but also very mean of him. Unless he's mentally unstable, I don't think he has a reason to do that. He can just say he don't want to see me. He was the one who invited me in the first place and I never told him I have feelings for him. When he said he missed me and wanted to be with me, I just said I felt the same way, but that was all. It's not like he's pretending to be nice so I don't get hurt... Oh, I'm not an English speaker, so it's kind of hard to explain some stuff... But it's been really enlightening to hear some different perspectives. I appreciate all of your advices. If you are honest with yourself, you know you're already somewhat emotionally invested in and would be interested in something more with him. From what you've described about him, I think his interest is lukewarm at best. If you fear that your feelings will develop more after spending more time with him and possibly sleeping with him, I would not go visit him. If you can handle a casual fling/holiday fun with no expectations, then by all means go. Also if you decide to stay with him (which I don't think you should), make sure you have the funds to leave and stay elsewhere if things go south. He knows you like him- why else have you tried to stay in contact with him when he continues to appear and disappear and his actions don't match his words? I'd tread cautiously with this one. He may disappear after you've made all the plans and bought your ticket. You two haven't built much of a foundation so you barely know him- he may have girlfriend, etc. he hasn't proven himself to you but yet you're doing all the heavy lifting (going to visit, trying to keep the conversation going after his silence, etc.). I don't see this ending well, sorry. I'm sure you'll do what's best for you. Best wishes! Edited April 23, 2016 by kidm Typo
Jabron1 Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 A friend of mine did something like this. He went to meet a girl in Sweden. Some advice: - Make plans for your own accommodation. Don't stay at his place. - Plan other activities for when you are there. Don't revolve the whole thing around him. - Treat it like a holiday 1
abby_tx Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 DO NOT GO, especially since you have strong feelings for him that are not reciprocated. If you want an adventure, go someplace else and bring a friend.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 (edited) 1. Oh, okay. It might be hard to believe, but I'm not a starry-eyed romantic. I'm aware he might just want a fling (there aren't really many reasonable options when we live so far from each other), and it would be okay for me too. Even though I have feelings for him, I just feel I need to see him once again because we had so little time while he was here. And It wouldn't be a waste of money at all - even if he was that uninterested like you said. I really want to go on a trip, and the place is awesome. My main concern is liking him even more after the trip because I know he would get distant again at some point. So perhaps I should travel to somewhere else and try to move on? 2. I honestly don't think he would stood me up. I find it very unlikely since he's very polite and respectful. He's a serious person, and it would be not only irresponsible, but also very mean of him. Unless he's mentally unstable, I don't think he has a reason to do that. He can just say he don't want to see me. He was the one who invited me in the first place and I never told him I have feelings for him. When he said he missed me and wanted to be with me, I just said I felt the same way, but that was all. It's not like he's pretending to be nice so I don't get hurt... Oh, I'm not an English speaker, so it's kind of hard to explain some stuff... But it's been really enlightening to hear some different perspectives. I appreciate all of your advices. OP, people can and do behave this way. I speak from experience. Allow me to share: I too had a little fling with a guy years ago while he was visiting family in my country. Nice guy, stable, etc. After he left, we kept in pretty regular contact and when he found out I was traveling to his country (on a pre-planned trip) he immediately asked me to stay with him. Sounds great, right? Not so much. Over the months leading up to my trip, he became more and more distant. Sometimes going weeks with no contact. (I should mention that about 8 months elapsed between our first contact and my trip) I was getting irritated because he was the one who invited me to stay with him. I eventually made alternative arrangements to stay in a hotel and sent him a rather firmly-worded message a few days before I departed for the vacation. He immediately replied that was sorry he'd been soooo busy with school and unfortunately, couldn't offer me accommodation anymore. (Shock!) We actually did meet up after I arrived in his country and had a couple fun nights together, no-strings-attached. In my hotel. Yes, it was fun. But that was it. We aren't in contact anymore, and that was about 4 years ago now. So please, learn from this! People don't have to be mentally unstable or unkind to get wrapped up in the idea of a fun fling and offer of accommodation. But actions speak louder than words. This guy you're talking to doesn't have any serious interest and you'd be foolish to travel with expectations and without a back-up plan. He hasn't bothered to keep up communication with you - what does that say to you? Edited April 24, 2016 by ExpatInItaly
Author trogg Posted April 25, 2016 Author Posted April 25, 2016 Of course I know he can change his mind until the trip (it's months from now), and that's pretty normal. He might also meet someone or something, but I don't think that he wouldn't tell me in advance and proceed to let me alone at the airport. That's what I'm saying, but yeah, "better safe than sorry". And I won't be buying anything unless I'm sure that he wants and will meet me there and I'll surely talk to him about that when the time is near. I know it's hard to keep interest when two people are so far away from each other. Like I said before, I like him, but honestly I don't have much to talk to him either. I'd like to hear from him more frequently, but I never expected him to talk to me everyday or nearly everyday and I don't even think that we should do that in the first place. We only spent three days together... Anyway, I do want to get to know him more, but I'd feel kind of needy sending him texts even though I'm pretty sure he'd be nice as usual.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 Of course I know he can change his mind until the trip (it's months from now), and that's pretty normal. He might also meet someone or something, but I don't think that he wouldn't tell me in advance and proceed to let me alone at the airport. That's what I'm saying, but yeah, "better safe than sorry". And I won't be buying anything unless I'm sure that he wants and will meet me there and I'll surely talk to him about that when the time is near. I know it's hard to keep interest when two people are so far away from each other. Like I said before, I like him, but honestly I don't have much to talk to him either. I'd like to hear from him more frequently, but I never expected him to talk to me everyday or nearly everyday and I don't even think that we should do that in the first place. We only spent three days together... Anyway, I do want to get to know him more, but I'd feel kind of needy sending him texts even though I'm pretty sure he'd be nice as usual. The thing is, if's he not initiating and seems to be fine going long periods without hearing from you, he's not anywhere nearly as interested in getting to know you. You're putting thought and effort in - where is he? There's a chance to he''s met someone local, too. The gap between you two is huge and it's not a good idea to invest in someone so far away, particularly when there's been such sparse communication to this point.
Versacehottie Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 A friend of mine did something like this. He went to meet a girl in Sweden. Some advice: - Make plans for your own accommodation. Don't stay at his place. - Plan other activities for when you are there. Don't revolve the whole thing around him. - Treat it like a holiday I agree with Jabron if you do go. It's a huge IF though. I think you have to take it for what it is. He doesn't sound that interested. It doesn't mean it's for a "bad" reason like you don't interest him enough. More than likely, he, like many guys, is more reasonable about long distance relationships. A lot of them don't really see the point especially if it hasn't even really begun. I'd guess that's what is going on. That said, for your end of it, it sounds like you are invested and care a lot more than he does. In one way, it sounds like it would be fun and you could book the trip as just a fling type thing. But let's be real about what your expectations really are: you are more than likely hopeful that the connection you have with him will turn a corner, right? And be more serious, more lasting? I think if that's the way you feel, you shouldn't go to see him or fool yourself. Try to live your life in your own country. If he gives you much more reassurance to an interest level that matches your own, you could reconsider. I think this would be a bit heartbreaking if you went to see him. I could be wrong though. If you have a very bohemian, free-spirited streak and mentality, sure go for it. Otherwise, I think not. If you do not get the reassurance you are seeking from him, it seems like it will crush you. Good luck
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