Don't even know where to start.....

[astralla]

I'm so confused, getting completely disillusioned with men, and haven't got a clue where to start.

 

I'm recently divorced, though my marriage had been over for years, and me and my ex have managed to separate and stay friends, though there's zero chance of us getting back together, neither of us want to! I'm mid 40s, a little overweight, and work and socialise in a male dominated environment. What's really shocking me is mens attitude towards me now, even guys I've known for years. They seem to think now I'm single they can expect me to sleep with them, just cos I can. I don't btw. Half these men are married, it this really how the world is today? Where are all the nice guys who at least want to get to know you before jumping in to bed?

 

I've also been contacted but an ex who I haven't seen or spoke to in about 6 years. Out of the blue he messaged me, we were having a nice chat and catch up, till he suggested hed like to become FWB as I'm single now and his relationship isn't good. There's no way I'm going back there again, it really hurt me when we split the first time, and I'm not doing the whole friends with benefits thing again, it doesn't ever work out. So I told him I'd like to stay friends, but wasn't going to have sex with him, and now he won't stop pestering me, messages every day suggesting how he'd like to, how he cant stop thinking about me, how we were good together, and it makes me sad. We were good together, I don't want to cheapen what it was by being FWB, a shallow imitation of what could have been. But I don't want to cut him out of my life completely either, just want him to understand this.

 

And I want to find a decent man, one who will put me first, and wants to get to know me, not just stare at my boobs and have sex. I've hooked up with a couple of guys, but it's been strictly a casual thing on both sides, but now I'm looking for a bit more. Do guys like this still exist?

[PegNosePete]

I've also been contacted but an ex who I haven't seen or spoke to in about 6 years. Out of the blue he messaged me, we were having a nice chat and catch up, till he suggested hed like to become FWB as I'm single now ... and now he won't stop pestering me ... But I don't want to cut him out of my life completely either, just want him to understand this.

Oh he fully understands the words that you are telling him. But he thinks you will change your mind if he hassles you enough. You can't make him do or want something that he doesn't want to. He wants sex. That is all. If you don't want that then you should cut him off because that is all he will ever want.

 

There are plenty of decent guys out there. You're just finding that the ones you know, aren't. Don't even entertain them. Now you know who your real friends are, and who is just orbiting you hoping for a quick roll in the sack. They have shown their true colours. Cut them off. Concentrate your time and your life on people who are genuinely interested in getting to know you. Don't waste time trying to change losers. Get out and meet new people.

[Toodaloo]

I had this when I split up with my ex. One of them even turned into a stalker.

 

What you do is you point blank tell them to cut that crap out and get a grip.

 

Do not be at all prissy or "nice" or kind about it. Cut to the chase

 

Just cut guys like this dead. Stone wall them.

 

When you are ready to date again you will get it then as well. They are trying to pick you off because you are at a weak moment. Sod that!

 

There are a ton of really great men out there who are single in your age range. I know loads (sadly not suitable matches for me but they are still fabulous guys).

 

My advice.

 

You mentioned your weight. As you mention it it seems as though you are not happy about it so get it off so you can feel good about yourself. Get yourself some new make up and get your hair and nails done. Go walking/ jogging/ some form of exercise you enjoy and thus will be sustainable. Go out and meet new people. Write a list of all the things you want to do but haven't then do them.

 

But guys like this? Just be blunt and to the point. Don't give them even a second of your time or energy. Chippity chop. Its the only way.

[Versacehottie]

With your ex, just stay firm. He is wanting what he can't have. The moment you told him no, he wanted it more. I think if you had truly been in touch and somewhat distant friends during the last 6 years, he will be able to stay your friend if you just keep repeating yourself with him. But I also think it will ebb and flow and he will stop and then probably start again but the periods of trying will become fewer and farther between if you stay absolutely firm. If you have been completely out of touch and not really friends this whole time, yes he could just be popping up, hoping to get sex and has a one track goal. So what? Then he isn't really friend material? He may not be anyway. It's probably not the best place to put your investment of time and energy--since you each have different goals at the moment with each other.

 

And of course, there are good guys. Don't see them as the enemy. Sure lots are going to try. A lot of guys think sex first, and relationship comes down the line. Not a bad thing. Maybe just how they are wired. Don't let it discourage you. Just realize that it's more of the women's responsibility to manage their expectations about that skillfully. And put your goals first always. Guys that just want sex will drop off and ones that really like you and have dating potential will stick around.

 

I think the most hurtful thing is that they are assuming you are desperate in some way. Do you think there is any truth to that assumption? Just being devil's advocate. In the way you interact with them, the way you present yourself, etc. Or do you just think it's all them? Here's the thing, I think, if there was absolutely no truth to it, it wouldn't hurt you. In other words, in the way that you described yourself physically, do you think if you were presenting your best self, like rocking body, that your perception that they are putting your in this type of category would happen or bother you? I kinda think not. For example, if you looked and felt great about yourself, do you think guys would do much more of the normal trying to date you type stuff rather than put you in a sex hookup category? Do you also think your confidence about what happens with their attempts, you would be able to laugh off or take with a grain of salt because you had other options?

 

I would definitely suggest that you should get yourself to a place on the inside and outside where this is not what you perceive to be happening. Like if you looked your very best, why would you assume they were hitting on you? Because they were overwhelmed by your looks in a good way possibly? Also on the very real note, that if you look your best, feel your best, you will have more options with what type of relationships they do want from you. It can be a subtle shift. You obviously have something that has them interested. Now just tweek it in your favor--both in perception and actuality.

 

Here's a very real fact of life: people are gonna try to get what they want. In any way, about anything. things are not going to go so smoothly that what you want is going to drop in your lap without effort and you advocating what you want. (not saying you in particular are expecting anything to drop in your lap). So push back, speak up about what you want and keep moving in that direction. Good luck

[LydiaLong]

Decent men DO exist, I can tell you. But you have to look for them in the right places. Sometimes dating sites aren't the right places.

[Larryville]

And I want to find a decent man, one who will put me first, and wants to get to know me, not just stare at my boobs and have sex. I've hooked up with a couple of guys, but it's been strictly a casual thing on both sides, but now I'm looking for a bit more. Do guys like this still exist?

 

Let’s get real, disclaimer: I know a dude or 3 will say “not all guys are like that” or “I’m not like that” Ok said it for you but bottom line sex is the only thing that men care about.

 

In this day of OLD, social media disconnect and people are now more like commodities it is all about what dudes can get with the least amount of resistance, IF POSSIBLE, but some men and persistent if the sex goal is strong enough.

 

Unfortunately too many women, (and I’ve read a boatload here) are naïve enough to think that men on occasion would not put in so much effort for a woman whom they only desire for sex. If he says the right things, treats them really nice, pays for a few dates “he must really be into me” the famous first words of countless threads.

 

Some dudes are relentless and some guys will put in several months of work in an attempt to sleep with a girl, to build up long term emotional credibility.

 

Then the inevitable, men accelerate the mental BS, spit out syllables to screw with the mind, say stuff they don't mean then call you crazy. It's at this point that the girl gets worried. This guy that she has been wasting her time on for a while, developing feelings for, is acting differently.

 

Was it something she said? Was it something she did? Nope, turns out you were only wanted for one thing. No, it can't be that. He put in so much effort, he wasted hours and hours of his time developing a connection with you. He wouldn't do that just for sex. Nope, you're wrong. He would, and he did.

 

There is so much more, all a matter of common sense if you truly zero in on your common sense meter. These types of dudes can be exposed quickly if you are willing to be patient, ask questions, and look for signs early.

 

What are those signals that expose, how he looks at you, how he talks to you, the respect, does he care about your thoughts, opinions, feelings, goals… does he communicate?

 

The other thing woman must take into consideration, is that more and more women are becoming just like guys, they just want sex too. No commitment, no hassle, no emotional baggage, refuse to get married making life all about them.

 

Bottom line the woman like you want a nice, decent, honest, sincere are seriously screwed.

What is worse, more and more young boys are growing up without examples of good relationship role models. If they grow up seeing the revolving door lifestyle of his (or her) parents, that is normal. When broken short term fragmented relationships are all you see that is what you will imitate.

 

Decent dudes do exist… somewhere… the question is do you have the understanding and knowledge to know one if you do find him and are you willing to be patient and not compromise your standards OH PS: something we all miss from time to time, ARE YOU the quality woman a GOOD MAN would want.

[elaine567]

I've also been contacted but an ex who I haven't seen or spoke to in about 6 years. Out of the blue he messaged me, we were having a nice chat and catch up, till he suggested hed like to become FWB as I'm single now and his relationship isn't good. There's no way I'm going back there again, it really hurt me when we split the first time, and I'm not doing the whole friends with benefits thing again, it doesn't ever work out. So I told him I'd like to stay friends, but wasn't going to have sex with him, and now he won't stop pestering me, messages every day suggesting how he'd like to, how he cant stop thinking about me, how we were good together, and it makes me sad. We were good together, I don't want to cheapen what it was by being FWB, a shallow imitation of what could have been. But I don't want to cut him out of my life completely either, just want him to understand this.

 

If you had shut him down he would have slunk off, but by suggesting you WANT to remain friends he thinks he is in with a chance if he keeps at it and wears you down.

She is saying "no" but she really means "yes" sort of thing.

 

Tell him you are going to have a bit of a catch up with his wife/gf and see how fast he disappears.

He is NOT your friend, he is a man on a mission to make you a fwb and get free extra sex.

[Zippy2000]

Yes, good men exist. I m yoru traditional type of man and would liek to court a girl first before jumping into bed.I ve dated a couple of girls who dumped me as they thought I was too nice. I hadnt slept with them on the first night so they got rid of me.Im older now. 40s and now looking for something deeper.You just have to keep on searching till that man coems into your life.Maybe he will or maybe he wont but you still got to keep on looking.Best of luck.

[scooby-philly]

As one of the posters alluded to - you don't know the full extent of a person's personality till you see them in different situations. I.E. look at how many guys turn out to be closet gay, child molesters, or stuff like that. Not that I'm man bashing - but your new situation has exposed what was lying under the surface in some of your friends.

 

Look - yes - most healthy men like sex. Most healthy women like sex too. But there's a difference between wanting to sleep with somebody and wanting a relationship. As a 34 guy that's been engaged but never married, I've slept with a few women who I wouldn't really want a relationship with. Just now I had to stop myself from emailing an ex I broke up with 10 months ago. I was simply going to say hi and congrats on something - but I knew my real motivation - while she was crazy, a bad mother, and a lot of other stuff, the sex was hot and since I haven't dated anyone since I can't help but miss it. But I don't want to get embroiled in her drama and the sex isn't worth the pain.

 

You said it yourself - you've actually hooked up with a few guys "casually". So - looks like you enjoy physicality as well. The question is are your READY - emotionally, spiritually, etc for a "relationship". If there's an ounce that says no you're not - then just enjoy the casual for now, say no to whoever you want to or have to and don't sweat it. If you're ready for a relationship then you'll have to put in work. It isn't easy, but are you worth it?

[d0nnivain]

And I want to find a decent man, one who will put me first, and wants to get to know me, not just stare at my boobs and have sex. I've hooked up with a couple of guys, but it's been strictly a casual thing on both sides, but now I'm looking for a bit more. Do guys like this still exist?

 

Yes, but they are somewhat rare. Put you 1st, probably not. But do hold out until you find a guy who wants what you want, monogamy before sex.

[cupolatte]

You are so wise to want to be friends with men without FWB. Your words “a shallow imitation of what could have been” is exactly what it would be with any man who expects more from you. I believe your words “And I want to find a decent man, one who will put me first, and wants to get to know me” is your true heart cry for a monogamous loving marriage relationship. I want to encourage you to build men’s respect by holding to your decision. There ARE decent men who put you first and get to know you for who you are.