brooke19 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Hi all, I apologize in advance for rambling. Me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for 2 years, been close friends for about 10 years. We're in our early 20's and got our first apartment together in January. Up until the past few months I thought that I would marry and have kids with this person. I am about to graduate and have just been offered an excellent job with the state. He has worked his way up into a management position in retail, no interest in college whatsoever. Here's the problem.. I am starting to find his lifestyle very juvenile. He likes going out and partying a lot. He wants to bring a bunch of pot home to smoke. When he's not smoking, he wants to drink. I am introverted and mellow. These things not only do not interest me but could jeopardize a career that I've worked for 5 years to build if I were to partake. I have an addictive personality, it is difficult for me to be around pot/alcohol even though I really really do not want to use either. He does not care, will not compromise. In fact, he takes my comments on this as just talking down to him because of the fact that I've got this new career going and am being paid more than him now. He thinks it's unfair that I ask that he doesn't bring pot into the apartment we both pay rent for (which may be true, I don't know?). Additionally, I've never been that sexually attracted to him but when he doesn't get his way he can be quite forceful. There have been several incidents where he's been this way and made me extremely upset and violated. Sometimes I feel that it's my fault, maybe I don't put out enough. There are times where I don't like the way my life has changed since we've been together. My standards for myself and the people around me have drastically lowered. But I do love him. I have planned my future with him. I know that ultimately I need to make the choice on this but I'd like to see if some strangers have some insight, advice. I really appreciate any help you might be able to give me. Thanks
ExpatInItaly Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Hi all, I apologize in advance for rambling. Me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for 2 years, been close friends for about 10 years. We're in our early 20's and got our first apartment together in January. Up until the past few months I thought that I would marry and have kids with this person. I am about to graduate and have just been offered an excellent job with the state. He has worked his way up into a management position in retail, no interest in college whatsoever. Here's the problem.. I am starting to find his lifestyle very juvenile. He likes going out and partying a lot. He wants to bring a bunch of pot home to smoke. When he's not smoking, he wants to drink. I am introverted and mellow. These things not only do not interest me but could jeopardize a career that I've worked for 5 years to build if I were to partake. I have an addictive personality, it is difficult for me to be around pot/alcohol even though I really really do not want to use either. He does not care, will not compromise. In fact, he takes my comments on this as just talking down to him because of the fact that I've got this new career going and am being paid more than him now. He thinks it's unfair that I ask that he doesn't bring pot into the apartment we both pay rent for (which may be true, I don't know?). Additionally, I've never been that sexually attracted to him but when he doesn't get his way he can be quite forceful. There have been several incidents where he's been this way and made me extremely upset and violated. Sometimes I feel that it's my fault, maybe I don't put out enough. There are times where I don't like the way my life has changed since we've been together. My standards for myself and the people around me have drastically lowered. But I do love him. I have planned my future with him. I know that ultimately I need to make the choice on this but I'd like to see if some strangers have some insight, advice. I really appreciate any help you might be able to give me. Thanks This is what jumped out at me. This isn't okay, and you should never feel violated by anyone, let alone your boyfriend. That would be a dealbreaker for me. The other issues are also important ones. You've grown up, but it doesn't sound like he has. To me, this relationship is dying.
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 (edited) Here's the problem. 1 -You're both relatively young. You're actually still way too young to be thinking of marriage and kids, particularly as you also have a career head on your shoulders, and a healthy professional ambition. 2 - He may be roughly your age, but maturity-wise, emotionally, he's still way behind you, and probably in the region of a 17 - 19 year old. 3 - Lastly - you do not under any circumstances whatsoever, think that the person who makes you feel physically violated with his aggressive sexual behaviour, could possibly ever be marrying material. If anything, that fact, and that fact alone should be enough to make you separate yourself from him, in all and any way - immediately. Forceful? Are you kidding me? That's 'run a mile' talk. Times it by 1,000, and you're still too close. Get out of this relationship, and get out, now. It is not a safe, constructive, emotionally-nutritive environment for you to be in. Under any guise. ETA: With regard to your thread title...? "POSSIBLE irreconcilable differences"...? I don't think this even remotely comes under that condition. I think that, in and of itself, is a major, definitely understandable cause of breaking this off straight away. Edited April 22, 2016 by TaraMaiden2
brittly42 Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 (edited) This is a tough situation, and it's normal to feel confused or hurt. Have you explained to him that you're concerned with his behavior? An ultimatum of either him cleaning up his act or you leaving, may be the crisis he needs to make lifestyle changes. If not, your personal well-being comes first, and you need to make the decision that gives you the brightest future. Focus on the Family offers free Christian counseling at 855-771-HELP (4357) if you want to talk through your options with a compassionate professional. Please know you're both in my thoughts and prayers! Edited April 24, 2016 by brittly42
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