The thought of him with someone else kills me

[4giveme]

Hello everyone!

 

I'd like to bore you all with my story. This is a vent post. I am warning you now! Please excuse any poor grammar. I type fast and it all just spilled out.

 

TL;DR-Boyfriend of 5 years lied, used me, cheated and then dumped me when I could not take the pain anymore and I was interfering with his drug use. When should the pain stop? I am also moving to aid with my emotional recovery because what happened affected me that bad.

 

My ex and I had a terrible breakup with him ending up getting me in legal trouble and lying! Luckily, that worked out okay, but it was evil and disgusting. Yes, I played the role of psycho chick very well. Needless to say, I haven't talked to anyone other than my family and I have hardly left my house since then. I acted horribly, but I could NOT take it anymore. He financially drained me, gas-lighted me, and caused me emotional trauma. He also used me a scapegoat and used his druggy behavior to explain his deplorable behavior. I finally had a breakdown or a meltdown and he started pulling away big time. It got where he'd only hang out with me only if I bought him drugs. He'd do all of these awful things to me and then when I'd crack, I'd just prove to him that I was crazy just like he thought. He also would go running to his mommy and daddy. Now that was pathetic and caused me quite a chuckle. His dad told me I deserved to die and that I was a crazy stupid f**cking b*itch.

 

He would tell me he loved me one day and that we were together and then the next he would tell me he never said that. I didn't know the extent of his lies until the end of December and that's when it really set in. I had been lied to daily for almost 5 years. I would catch him red-handed and he'd tell me that it wasn't happening. His behavior was insane I think.

 

I have not spoken to him since the middle of March. He blocked me on Facebook before we broke up. I changed my number. He changed his as well I was told. I have no use for our mutual friends or the places we used to go. I feel like I've been run out of every place we went together with pitchforks. I know for a fact one bar we used to go to would run me out. So, I just don't bother going out anywhere. I speak to no one. I don't even leave my house. I couldn't drink to cope because drinking fueled my painful emotions and I'd end up blackout drunk, crying and telling people my story. That was also pathetic.

 

I have been given the opportunity to move away for a year or more and I have decided that is my best option to heal. I am very grateful for this chance and hope to gain acceptance that this relationship is over and that I am not crazy, nor am I to blame for his behavior. It was the drugs.

 

It's amazing I mean so little that he hasn't even tried to contact me to apologize. He truly owes me a huge one. It'd take me writing a novel to explain all the emotionally traumatic things he did to me.

 

I walk around daily with what feels like a knife twisting in my heart. I burst into tears all the time when I am alone. Sometimes the pain is so excruciating that I feel like I am going to pass out or drop to my knees.

 

I know what happened. I know why it happened. I know he turned into a terrible person. But, why can't I accept this? If he called me right now, I'd be wherever he wanted me to be. I have him unblocked one way should he ever choose to contact me.

 

As I lay in bed right now, I feel I should be grateful. I have a roof over my head, wonderful family, and everything I need. Right now I can bet he's out at the bar getting drunk and doing drugs in his car. And it just hurts. Then, what if this all happened because he found a new love interest? Somebody that wouldn't give him crap for his lies and drug use...

 

5 years. I lost so much that I can't even explain. I am talking vehicles and major financial loss. I willingly did this though and I even think I knew I was being used. I knew he'd leave me if I couldn't pay for him. He was also responsible for my car breaking. I had to buy another car.

 

In town, I am the laughing stock of our friends. I can't even imagine what he's told them. He's lost so much weight and he's aged 10 years in 5.

 

How could this be the person I loved so so so much? And I still do. There is no way for it to be fixed, but again, why can't he tell me he's sorry? How can he not know all of those things he did wrong?

 

How can I still love someone who I compare to Satan now?He truly became evil and had no feelings whatsoever.

 

I witnessed the tragic suicide of a family member last year. I was left in shock and still am. That's when he really started using me for 100s because I truly was not in my right mind.

 

One thing I have gained back is hope. I have hope. I will have a fun job this summer living out of town. It is not my career field that I went to college for, but I know it's going to be wonderful. This keeps me going.

 

What do I want from him? I want him to feel the hurt I have and I want him to know and recognize finally what he did to me was truly emotional abuse. I want to know he feels remorse. Tell me you're sorry. I do not want him back even though I do love him and would still see him if he asked. Unfortunately, he has gotten away with what he did to me and then my behavior at the end just verified to his friends and family I am exactly what he said I was.

 

He would tell people he wasn't seeing me when he was. He'd tell people I couldn't comprehend that he and I were not together. BUT we were! He told me. It just makes me sick. How cruel.

 

What have I learned? I have learned that I will NEVER treat another human being the way he treated me. We all have feelings, male and female. You DO NOT hurt anyone like this. You do not emotionally abuse, lie, cheat, etc. Granted we all make mistakes but we can limit how much we hurt someone else. That was a true life lesson. I also know the red flags I saw 5 years ago were enough that I should have walked then. I couldn't. He was the love of my life.

 

What if, right now, he's out having a great time listening to music while he looking at a girl the same way he used to look at me? What if he's intimate with her? These questions do not need answers, but that is what is in my heart and it literally makes me lose my breath.

 

Someone I loved with every ounce of my being that I gave everything to railroaded me and humiliated me.

 

So I have begun packing and I'll be gone soon. Boy am I grateful.

 

I know this is poorly written and way too long, but let's just say I talk to no one anymore because of my destroyed reputation so I remain completely isolated other than my family and of course my incredible dog!

 

How long until this pain, disbelief, shock, shame, etc passes? I can't stand my heart feeling like this much longer.

 

Thanks for listening.

[mightycpa]

I think you have to come to terms with being a doormat. Once you do that, the other stuff can be dealt with.

 

He wasn't your problem. You were your problem. The sooner you embrace this truth, the sooner you can begin to heal. But if you continue to blame him for causing your troubles, and ignoring your responsibility for not only allowing it but apparently also leaving the door open as an invitation to go another round with you, I can't imagine how any of the negatives you're feeling can go away.

 

Close all avenues off for good. You can't move forward until you leave him behind.

[butterfly1958]

Sounds like you are in severe emotional pain. Your answer to the question how long is the hurt is that everyone is different. Moving forward with your thoughts and life will help you through this time of grief. It is really a time of mourning for what you thought would be and is no longer. I suggest you reread what you wrote and really quell your spirit and think what living in those circumstances for a lifetime would be like. What is it that keeps you hurting for this life? What is it about your ex that keeps you wanting to hear from him? Your personal value as a person has to come from inside of you and from your spirit not from being loved by someone else. I know this from experience. The pain is great if you rely on someone else for your self worth and that person is not filling your cup of worth. Make a list of all your blessings that you have in your life and refer and add to it daily to help you focus on the positive. What are YOUR passions? How could you start living out those passions? Talk with those who love you and seek good counseling to enable you to move forward. Really think about what you want in a relationship before you begin to date. What are the top charachteristics that you desire in a husband? What commitment do they need to exhibit in behavior? How much will he need to show you he adores you? Praying this helps you move forward and discover the wonderful person you were made to be.......May you find many blessings in your future.....

[brothers343]

I read your post and the best advise I can give you is to take that opportunity and go away for a bit. Why would you want to be with a druggie thats depressed all the time. People hurt each other in relationships, its part of the process in getting to know someone. You have two choices......stay where you at and be confined to sadness and hurt or leave and heal and maybe something new that you didn't expect gives you a new life and a new beginning. Good luck.

[4giveme]

Thank you for the responses. They were all uplifting and help to clear my mind of all of my doubts. A lot of my pain comes from watching someone I loved who was an incredible person completely self-destruct. I just don't understand why things had to happen the way they did. Why did some evil drug have to show up and destroy him? None of those questions I can get answers for, but yes I did allow it and yes I did bow down to anything he wanted. That is crazy! I was always independent within myself so it's amazing I became that way. It was also a slow process though.

 

Again, thank you for the responses, and yes I am so grateful for the new feelings of peace that are slowly starting to appear.

[4giveme]

I am typing this for myself mainly. When I move, I won't have access to computers or online for awhile. I wish I did so I could use this as my journal like I've seen other people do.

 

I've made some attempts to tell my friend that I wanted to see him before I move. My ex and my friend don't know I am moving. I am not telling anyone.

 

I tried Friday. I asked my friend to tell him to meet me at a local bar. My friend told me that he isn't going to talk to me. I just think in my delusional mind he'd want to see me by now and tell me he's sorry for what he did. That would give me some peace. This is sick thinking I know and that's why I am moving.

 

I asked again Sunday to my friend if he would see me. He again said that he isn't going to talk to me....but then he told me he hasn't asked him or said anything. He is just going by what he sees. So, luckily my ex doesn't even know I want to see him. I think it's clear that I am not going to be able to speak to him or see him before I go. It really hurts. I can't believe I'd hope for something like that from someone who proved they are plain evil. So I give up. It sucks.

[Zahara]

I am typing this for myself mainly. When I move, I won't have access to computers or online for awhile. I wish I did so I could use this as my journal like I've seen other people do.

 

I've made some attempts to tell my friend that I wanted to see him before I move. My ex and my friend don't know I am moving. I am not telling anyone.

 

I tried Friday. I asked my friend to tell him to meet me at a local bar. My friend told me that he isn't going to talk to me. I just think in my delusional mind he'd want to see me by now and tell me he's sorry for what he did. That would give me some peace. This is sick thinking I know and that's why I am moving.

 

I asked again Sunday to my friend if he would see me. He again said that he isn't going to talk to me....but then he told me he hasn't asked him or said anything. He is just going by what he sees. So, luckily my ex doesn't even know I want to see him. I think it's clear that I am not going to be able to speak to him or see him before I go. It really hurts. I can't believe I'd hope for something like that from someone who proved they are plain evil. So I give up. It sucks.

 

I can't imagine why you would seek validation from someone that treated you so despicably. I'm relieved your friend never told him because your friend probably realizes that what you desire is completely insane and extremely unhealthy for you.

 

Why in heaven's name do you think that someone who treated you so horribly has the empathy or any sense of sensitivity to offer you an apology? If someone has no issues treating you that badly, trust that he doesn't care about you needing an apology. Trust that he doesn't give two hoots about how you feel. At this point you shouldn't even desire an apology but rather want to be as far away from someone who abused you. Instead you're still seeking validation from him.

 

You've leveled yourself to being a doormat. Your self-esteem has hit rock bottom. You have no sense of what it means to love yourself enough to realize that you deserve much better.

 

I hope you use this time away to work on yourself and to start to see your reality. Hopefully you begin to understand that this has nothing to do with him but your severe lack of self-respect and self-love. Toxic relationships are difficult to get over because you've allowed someone to condition you into being a shell of a person -- maybe this time away will help you find your strength and rediscover who you are.

Edited April 26, 2016 by Zahara

[butterfly1958]

My heart aches for you.......Life has so many challenges and at times seems overwhelming. People can hurt us without trying to do so. When someone you care about does this it leave a very deep wound. Remember to live by the golden rule and just treat others as you would want to be treated and find friends with a good heart who believe this as well. You are ending a season in life but a new one is coming soon. Wishing you many blessings as you move on to fulfill the dreams in your life......

[Toodaloo]

Ever heard of Stockholm syndrome? This guy got more devotion from you the worse he treated you...

 

Oh my days...

 

Please get some help. Get some proper counselling for this. Take up new hobbies that involve you doing different things with a better sort of people. Get out and go and do things that do not involve drugs or drinking or meeting people who are into all of that.

 

Time to clean your self up from the inside out.

 

Good luck.