partlysnitty Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 (x-posted to second chances, sorry, didn't see this forum) New poster, longtime lurker. My LDBF of 10 years (circumstantial long distance, kids involved) and I had a fairly good relationship with some rough spots until November. In November he had a depressive breakdown and did something extremely hurtful- canceled his Thanksgiving trip and broke up with me in haste. We reconciled almost immediately, he rebooked, we spent three wonderful weeks together in January and February. He broke up with me the day after my birthday almost exactly a month ago, and I last heard from him two weeks ago. I strongly suspect he is in the middle of a depressive episode (major), but part of what caused the breakup was his continual reference to his life sucking and a promise to fill me in the next day. In the six weeks between his return home and the BU, he was intermittently weird about our time together, gaslighting me about my own behavior, claiming I was angry. (I wasn't.) The BU happened mid-conversation. I referenced his saying I was not a problem for him and he said that if that's what I thought of his feelings for me fine, it's over. After a week I mailed a thank you letter with his possessions and ring. Two days later, I miscarried. I had no idea. Two weeks post BU I emailed him to ask if he'd be willing to talk, and he said anything I had to say could be said in email. I emailed the next day about the MC. Five days after that (two weeks ago) he responded cryptically and said he'd be back sooner or later. Nothing since. Before anyone asks, I am treating it like a break up. I have dates for the next few weeks and I don't expect to ever speak to him again. But the snap decision of it, the odd reframing, the timing (after a long happy visit) and his depression are all confusing me. We had no major problems other than his tendency to bring up his problems and then get mad when I asked what those problems were. I don't want to break NC, I think it's fair he do so. I wouldn't reconcile without amends. But I'm confused and still having a hard time figuring it out. Until the middle of last year, we were happy. During the visit, we were happy (but he got very upset if we left the house at all.) I know the BU was a punishment and whim and I know he's too prideful to ever reach out. But we were together 10 years, and I don't know what to do. Leave it? Drop an email? People say to check in on him but I feel that at the least he owes me an apology for putting me through six months of torment and I don't want to just go back. I'd like to keep some of our knowing one another at least, and I'm sad we'll never see or speak to one another again. What would you do if you were me? Bear in mind, major depressive episodes last a year sometimes or more. I don't mind his depression, but I am at a loss as to how to proceed since we didn't even really break up properly. But we've been out of contact regularly for a month with four total emails between us. I'm lost. I thought we were going to spend our whole lives together. He was planning to move here and then he just froze up. Should I just leave him be forever?
Satu Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I'm lost. I thought we were going to spend our whole lives together. He was planning to move here and then he just froze up. *Should I just leave him be forever? Don't contact him. Leave him be. It might be that his behaviour was brought on by his depression, and his feelings might change, but he's removed himself from you and you should accept that. There's nothing for you to do here. If there's anything to be done it would have to be done by him. Just get on with enjoying your life. Take care. 1
Author partlysnitty Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 Thanks, that's what I've been doing. I am moving on but I just feel confused by the way it happened. I wouldn't ever just randomly contact him or anything like that. I just am having a hard time understanding it. But I absolutely accept the breakup. 1
Author partlysnitty Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 ETA: Is this a thing that happens typically though, someone disappearing mid-conversation after a decade? Like not even a fight, just drop of a hat. Don't established couples generally at least exchange a few sentences to dissolve a relationship? I don't expect those sentences but I need to know if I am crazy here.
4giveme Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I absolutely do NOT agree that it is normal for someone you have intertwined your life with for many years to just up and randomly cut all contact. It happens, but that does not make it normal. That's what my ex did and I haven't spoken to him in over a month and I am very surprised I haven't heard from him yet. I am leaving it be and moving on, but ending a long relationship like that is wrong.
BC1980 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I doubt it was a snap decision for him, but I know it seems like that for you. He tried to break up with you around Thanksgiving, so he has been thinking about breaking up with you since then and probably longer. It always seems to come out of the blue to the person who was dumped though. I understand that feeling, and it's hard to process it. The dumper has probably been thinking about leaving for awhile and has already gone through the letting go phase, but you have just been hit with the news and are left stunned.
bathtub-row Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I have a big problem with people who end relationships in this manner. It's unforgivable if you ask me. He just took the chicken way out and wanted to put blame on you. What he did was very cold and seemed to have come out of the blue. You said that kids were involved. Do you mean you and he have kids, or he has kids with someone else? His reaction to your miscarriage was nothing short of cold and inhumane. I'm not sure when he went off the deep end, but he seems to have definitely done so. I'm really sorry this happened to you but, as I often say, no one - and I mean NO ONE - walks away from a long-term relationship without being affected by it in one way or another.
BC1980 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 ETA: Is this a thing that happens typically though, someone disappearing mid-conversation after a decade? Like not even a fight, just drop of a hat. Don't established couples generally at least exchange a few sentences to dissolve a relationship? I don't expect those sentences but I need to know if I am crazy here. What do you mean when you say he disappeared mid-conversation? He walked out and didn't come back? I've heard of people leaving for work one day and never coming back. I've heard of texting and calling to end it. I read on story on LS where the guy came home, and his fiancee had moved out already. I had a friends whose fiance disappeared on her, and she had to hunt him down to find out if he was dead or not. Suffice it to say, a lot of people don't want to face a breakup, and people act in all sorts of ways to avoid that. I don't know that there is a right or wrong way to breakup up with someone. That questions gets discussed on LS a good bit. I think you owe the person the courtesy of telling them you are leaving. Not simply disappearing. I'm not sure much else is owed if you are leaving a person because it's not very helpful. I remember when my ex broke up with me. He prefaced it all by saying how wonderful I was, ect. I knew what was coming. I told him to just spit it out and be done with it, so I could move out and get it over with. I wouldn't have minded a phone call actually. Just sever it quickly is my opinion.
mightycpa Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 He was your BF for 10 years? Or he was LD for 10 years? If the latter, what would I do? Get a local BF. I'm nor sure what circumstantial LD is, or what difference "circumstantial" would make, if you're actually LD.
BC1980 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 He was your BF for 10 years? Or he was LD for 10 years? If the latter, what would I do? Get a local BF. I'm nor sure what circumstantial LD is, or what difference "circumstantial" would make, if you're actually LD. I was thinking he might work out of town?? Either way, dating a person for 10 years should be a red flag that he's not interested in commitment. He's the father of her kids, and he won't marry her after 10 years of dating. That fact alone is enough to know this guy had one foot in and could have bolted at any time. However, I do understand why the OP couldn't see this because we often see what we want to see
BC1980 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 What would you do if you were me? Bear in mind, major depressive episodes last a year sometimes or more. I don't mind his depression, but I am at a loss as to how to proceed since we didn't even really break up properly. But we've been out of contact regularly for a month with four total emails between us. I'm lost. I thought we were going to spend our whole lives together. He was planning to move here and then he just froze up. Should I just leave him be forever? I realized I never answered your original question. I would cut all contact unless it's about the kids. Time to offload this baggage and move on. In the future, don't date a man for 10 years, especially since it was long distance. He should have married you by that time. I assume you were engaged since you had a ring? He probably froze up when it got real and was going to have to move to where you live. He probably had mixed feelings about that for awhile but never told you. And when it came time to move, he backed out. Because it was long distance, he could keep you at arm's length and avoid total commitment. Once that gig was up, he decided it wasn't worth it anymore.
Author partlysnitty Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 I absolutely do NOT agree that it is normal for someone you have intertwined your life with for many years to just up and randomly cut all contact. It happens, but that does not make it normal. That's what my ex did and I haven't spoken to him in over a month and I am very surprised I haven't heard from him yet. I am leaving it be and moving on, but ending a long relationship like that is wrong. I agree, not in so much as you need to do anything specific, but some clarity would be nice after 10 years. I doubt it was a snap decision for him, but I know it seems like that for you. He tried to break up with you around Thanksgiving, so he has been thinking about breaking up with you since then and probably longer. It always seems to come out of the blue to the person who was dumped though. I understand that feeling, and it's hard to process it. The dumper has probably been thinking about leaving for awhile and has already gone through the letting go phase, but you have just been hit with the news and are left stunned. That was snap and he immediately took it back and asked to come back. And he did come back, and we spent three happy weeks together, and discussed ending it and he was not into it. It wasn't like that, in as much as both breakups were snits. Still breakups but he was not well, ill, mentally. I have a big problem with people who end relationships in this manner. It's unforgivable if you ask me. He just took the chicken way out and wanted to put blame on you. What he did was very cold and seemed to have come out of the blue. You said that kids were involved. Do you mean you and he have kids, or he has kids with someone else? His reaction to your miscarriage was nothing short of cold and inhumane. I'm not sure when he went off the deep end, but he seems to have definitely done so. I'm really sorry this happened to you but, as I often say, no one - and I mean NO ONE - walks away from a long-term relationship without being affected by it in one way or another. I have kids, circumstantially we were unable to move in either direction until very recently. Nothing to do with "commitment." I am pretty sure he was affected, he loved me so much. He'd brush my hair and hold me and cry and dote on me. He adored me. It never stopped. He was your BF for 10 years? Or he was LD for 10 years? If the latter, what would I do? Get a local BF. I'm nor sure what circumstantial LD is, or what difference "circumstantial" would make, if you're actually LD. It means that both of you can't move for the time being. Because of circumstances like children, laws, or immigration. I was thinking he might work out of town?? Either way, dating a person for 10 years should be a red flag that he's not interested in commitment. He's the father of her kids, and he won't marry her after 10 years of dating. That fact alone is enough to know this guy had one foot in and could have bolted at any time. However, I do understand why the OP couldn't see this because we often see what we want to see This may come as a shock but we're both atheists and neither of us believe in marriage for ourselves; we believed in love and commitment, but the idea of a wedding was weird to us. We didn't want to get married because the idea was unromantic to us. Yes, I realize this is uncommon but I harbored no secret pinboard of dresses Marriage was a possible necessity for us due to locations, but we were neither afraid of not terribly interested in a princess party. It just didn't mean anything to us since we don't believe in God. So it was like asking "why didn't you go to church?" Outside religion, neither of us saw a purpose to the ceremony. I know plenty of married couples who aren't committed (see all the OW and MM and MW and OM threads here) and plenty unmarried couples who would never deceive their partners. The piece of paper isn't magical to some of us. The ring was not an engagement ring, it was just a sentimental ring he gave me immediately and I never took it off. It was intensely meaningful to both of us, and made of thick silver. You may also be stunned to learn I loathe diamonds, I don't want to be bought with baubles and I don't wanna wear jewelry a kid lost an arm for. CZ is fine for me, spend the extra dough on a hot tub has always been my plan In any event, I took matters into my own hands and contacted a third party that is the key to unlocking this mystery to me if that third party follows through with talking with me. That will give me all the answers I require and he can go take a long walk off a short pier
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