HikerDude999 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Hi. Maybe you guys and gals can weigh in on my thread, and give me some sort of guidance as to what next steps to take with a new love interest in my life? There is a new woman in my life who I've been dating steadily for a couple of months now. For the most part, her and I get along great, enjoy each other's company, and do wonderful, enjoyable activities together. However, like every other woman I have ever been in a relationship with previously, she likes to administer tests. I always recognize her tests, and I have learned to respond out of a sense of enjoyment, seriousness, and playfulness accordingly, depending on the particular test being administered. I understand, perhaps, that this is the nature of a woman to test her man. It is what it is. However, lately, her tests are becoming way too frequent: so much so, that her constant testing is beginning to become an impediment in our relationship where I am feeling a certain lack of enjoyment. Sometimes I feel as though I am walking on eggshells, and that she is being too critical where I must really pick and choose my words and actions very carefully. I recently raised the issue of her too frequent tests with her, and suffice it to say that it did not go over very well as her perspective was that she was just talking. She wasn't angry but maybe she just didn't get my point? Or is she deliberately choosing to not get my point? What do you guys and gals think? Yes, I understand that tests from our special woman will always come no matter how long and deeply we know them. Yes, I seek to be more physically, emotionally, and spiritually intimate with her as time goes on. Yes, I am there to listen, encourage, love, care, and support. Am I being a hard ass? I don't think so. I just want to enjoy the relationship with her is all. And while I understand the nature of tests, I can't be expected to be in the exam room all the time. I sense deep insecurities with her, and while we have had conversations about this, the insecurities continue. Would it to be a fair thing to say that the more insecure a woman is the more tests she will administer to her man? This is a valid observation. My concern is that if she continues to do what she is doing she will have the opposite effect by driving me away. What do you guys think?
dumbass2 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Can you give an example of these "tests"? Yes, please give a few examples that have pushed you to post this thread. I too had an ex that I thought was testing too much and had me on eggshells and I didn't feel I could be myself. It seems that my answers to her questions were mostly wrong. 1
GR4 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Yeah, it's difficult to respond without knowing what these 'tests' entail. For what it's worth a woman testing is a woman playing games in my book and I've got no time for that sort of bollocks. 2
kendahke Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I sense deep insecurities with her, and while we have had conversations about this, the insecurities continue. Would it to be a fair thing to say that the more insecure a woman is the more tests she will administer to her man? Yes. Nothing you do will satisfy her insecurity. It's a drain and the more you pour into it, the more she wants you to pour into it. This is a valid observation. My concern is that if she continues to do what she is doing she will have the opposite effect by driving me away. What do you guys think? I'd just straight up tell her that you're sick of her tests and that it's causing you to lose interest--then back off. Her insecurities are for her to work out and resolve, not you. The problem is not you--you two barely know one another, so how can it be about you? It's about her, her unrealistic expectations, her man picker, the void she's using the wrong men to fill, thus being disappointed to the point where she has to administer tests because she doesn't trust her own judgement. 1
Author HikerDude999 Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 (edited) I will give a few examples. She has tested me a number of times now in regards to me fishing for other women, even though I can be totally trusted and have gone to the extent of showing her any communications with whoever whenever she asks. She has questioned my whereabouts a number of times with strategic phone calls placed to boot, and I have responded politely and courteously every time with openness and transparency, even though if I were to call and question her, which I have a couple of times, she has told me what she's been up too but hasn't responded as positively as I have. Thank God I have a job that tolerates the texting. She has accused me of not caring, even though this is the same guy that sent flowers to her mother's funeral abroad and was in constant communication with her throughout the entire grieving process and her brothers' efforts to screw her out of ownership of a condo unit she owns abroad (because they only want to get at her money by selling it and continue to live a life of leisure, early retirement, smoking, and drinking). These tests are a few examples. Edited April 21, 2016 by HikerDude999 1
bathtub-row Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Yeah, this stuff she's doing is completely ridiculous. You need to exit this relationship. 2
RecentChange Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Huh - I have never consciously "administered a test" while dating. I find it unusual that you seem to think that EVERY woman you have ever dated administers tests. Maybe I am just way less calculated than every woman you have dated - but I also wonder if it has something to do with the way YOU perceive the interactions. For example I have never engaged in this "where are you" trying to "catch" them texting / calling - and I don't recall ever being on the receiving end of that either. Are you POSITIVE that was the motive of the call? Not to discuss something, but an attempt to catch you cashing women? I don't know how to advise you, because this "testing that women do" is news to me. Perhaps that is why she was offended when you suggested it. I don't know how accusing you of not caring was a "test" - what is the right answer? How do you pass? 6
GemmaUK Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 This will only get worse. This is by no means a female thing btw. I dated two guys who needed constant contact. The constant contact and a few seemingly innocent questions is ony the start of it, needing to know where you are, what you are doing every moment of the day is just the first step of the progression and it will progress Run as fast as you can and don't look back. 3
Haydn Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Yes, leg it. I didn`t. (learned a hard lesson) It will get worse.
Satu Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Setting people 'tests' is a bit too weird for me. What's next - tailing you wearing a false beard and dark glasses? 1
LydiaLong Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Oh. I thought she was making you do algebraic equations. 1
smackie9 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I'm shocked OP that you found these "tests" acceptable and just part of dating. BTW it's not. It's a form of abusive controlling behavior. Letting your SO go through your phone, sharing PWs etc is NOT trust. Get out now, you can't change or fix this. 1
lilmissjava Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 If you have to question anything, coupled with your concern how it is an impediment in your budding relationship, then think of the future and what insecurities bring to a relationship. My crystal ball says you know the answer. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I must be daft but I don't understand how an SO asking where somebody is or sharing that they don't feel cared about is a test. If I ask where somebody is, I want to know. I'm not usually trying to trap them in a lie but if I hear bar noise behind them in the background, I'm probably not gonna believe they are in church. Similarly, OP as sweet as you are for sending her flowers and listening to her family drama that may not be her lover language. She may be in-artfully trying to express to you that she would prefer some other way for you to express that you care. I don't see it as a test or her trying to get you to jump through a hoop. Tests are asking you to go a chick flick to see how you react; manipulating circumstances so you are forced to chose between something she wants to do vs something you want to do; making a fake profile & flirting with you via the internet to see if you take the bait. All of that said, if you are unhappy about the way she treats you in the relationship, tell her. If her behavior doesn't change, leave. It's not that hard. 3
katiegrl Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I think before you walk away... try telling her (not asking, but telling, assertively) that you don't appreciate her constantly testing you to prove how much you care, your faithfulness, etc. .... that she either trusts you or she doesn't! And if she doesn't then it's best you end it because frankly you cannot be with a woman who does not trust you. Period, the end. Give HER the choice. If her distrust/testing continues.... then end it. No man should have to live like that. Don't be a pansy.... man up! Don't let her control you ... sheesh. 1
Zippy2000 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I will give a few examples. She has tested me a number of times now in regards to me fishing for other women, even though I can be totally trusted and have gone to the extent of showing her any communications with whoever whenever she asks. She has questioned my whereabouts a number of times with strategic phone calls placed to boot, and I have responded politely and courteously every time with openness and transparency, even though if I were to call and question her, which I have a couple of times, she has told me what she's been up too but hasn't responded as positively as I have. Thank God I have a job that tolerates the texting. She has accused me of not caring, even though this is the same guy that sent flowers to her mother's funeral abroad and was in constant communication with her throughout the entire grieving process and her brothers' efforts to screw her out of ownership of a condo unit she owns abroad (because they only want to get at her money by selling it and continue to live a life of leisure, early retirement, smoking, and drinking). These tests are a few examples. These arent "tests". These are signs of her own insecurities and character flaws.If they are tests. You should be failing them and move on to someone new.Maybe it`ll be a pass
Jabron1 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I am there to listen, encourage, love, care, and support. You aren't going to 'listen, encourage, love, care, and support' your way out of this Am I being a hard ass? I think your being far too soft. For example: She has accused me of not caring, even though this is the same guy that sent flowers to her mother's funeral abroad and was in constant communication with her throughout the entire grieving process and her brothers' efforts to screw her out of ownership of a condo unit she owns abroad (because they only want to get at her money by selling it and continue to live a life of leisure, early retirement, smoking, and drinking). Don't play her game of 'proving how much you care'. She'll keep getting you to jump through hoops until you put your foot down. Learn to say the word 'NO'. It's like a magic word . Use it liberally. Point to the behaviour of hers that you don't like, and tell her to cut it out (her checking up on you at work for example). Don't allow yourself to get dragged into a discussion or negotiation about it - it'll just get turned around on you. You're not asking her; you're telling her. Have a consequence lined up, and be fully prepared to follow through with it. That can be anything from putting her on a time out, to reconsidering your options. If you feel you have so little power in your relationship to do these simple things, then dump her immediately. The relationship isn't worth being in. You're a man for goodness sake. Take full responsibility. She's acting this way, because you allow it. You should be a benevolent dictator, but your coming across as a doormat. Change it. Or you could just keep letting her play you up like a naughty child, and be driven mad.
Buddhist Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I sense deep insecurities with her, and while we have had conversations about this, the insecurities continue. Would it to be a fair thing to say that the more insecure a woman is the more tests she will administer to her man? This is a valid observation. My concern is that if she continues to do what she is doing she will have the opposite effect by driving me away. What do you guys think? Don't date women who 'test' you. You are absolutely right, testing is a sign of something broken within. And the truth of that is that no amount of hoop jumping and reassurance will ever fix what's broken. Hoop jumping will only ever result in you performing for your partner which is something that absolutely destroys intimacy. It's okay for us all to have insecurities. It's not okay for us to expect our partner to compensate for them with a performance to save us the bother of emotionally growing. You are in a relationship with a very immature woman, I wouldn't stay there if I were you.
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