Nivea Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 We were only seeing each other for a short amount of time, never argued, were still in the infatuation state when things ended. It wasn't a particularly messy break up. I felt we really clicked, had the same kind of humor, would make each other laugh he would say the same things, he would vent to me about his problems and said it made him less stressed. It felt like it was more than a relationship but a friendship there too, like we had fun together. I asked him while we were together if he thought we could still be friends if we'd break up. He hesitantly said if he wasn't interested anymore or if the reason behind the break up was something out of our control it'd be fine being friends. Now he does acts like he's not interested in a relationship with me anymore (which is fine) but that he's also not interested in being friends with me. Which is the part I don't understand since he basically said he doesn't have any feelings for me anymore. If you don't have any romantic feelings for someone anymore or realize you're romantically incompatible with someone but still enjoy their company why can't you be more than just civil to each other? Does it come down to emotional maturity? Pettiness?
Alamo657 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 If you don't have any romantic feelings for someone anymore or realize you're romantically incompatible with someone but still enjoy their company why can't you be more than just civil to each other? Does it come down to emotional maturity? Pettiness? Or maybe he can't stay "friends" with a woman he had sex with, because he doesn't see it worth it to explain why an ex is still in the picture with a present or future girlfriend ? 2
tgolf96 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 We were only seeing each other for a short amount of time, never argued, were still in the infatuation state when things ended. It wasn't a particularly messy break up. I felt we really clicked, had the same kind of humor, would make each other laugh he would say the same things, he would vent to me about his problems and said it made him less stressed. It felt like it was more than a relationship but a friendship there too, like we had fun together. I asked him while we were together if he thought we could still be friends if we'd break up. He hesitantly said if he wasn't interested anymore or if the reason behind the break up was something out of our control it'd be fine being friends. Now he does acts like he's not interested in a relationship with me anymore (which is fine) but that he's also not interested in being friends with me. Which is the part I don't understand since he basically said he doesn't have any feelings for me anymore. If you don't have any romantic feelings for someone anymore or realize you're romantically incompatible with someone but still enjoy their company why can't you be more than just civil to each other? Does it come down to emotional maturity? Pettiness? What was the reason for your breakup?
katiegrl Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 We were still in the infatuation state when things ended. Now he does acts like he's not interested in a relationship with me anymore Sorry these two things contradict each other.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Or maybe he can't stay "friends" with a woman he had sex with, because he doesn't see it worth it to explain why an ex is still in the picture with a present or future girlfriend ? Agreed. OP, even if he's not seeing anyone else at the moment, it will be awkward when that time comes. Many exes don't stay friends, especially when one person still has feelings. Perhaps he thinks you do? Why did you two break up?
Been Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Because sooner or latter he will try to cross that bridge-rather if he wants to just see if he still can or maybe his feelings change. And you who won't be dating anyone more then likely will let him and in the end it will more then likely turn out bad.
RocketQueen Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 When someone gets to the point of indifference it doesn't matter too much to have any contact- maybe your Ex feels your feelings are still more geared towards being a couple? Maybe he feels the distance will do you both a bit of good?.
mightycpa Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Maybe what it all boils down to is that he doesn't really like you all that much. Thinking back, that was always my reason when I was truly indifferent. I'd learned enough about the ex to know that I didn't really like her.
PrettyEmily77 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I don't have a whole lot of exes but I'm on friendly terms with only one of them - we didn't work out but he is a genuinely great guy and enough time had passed when we got back in touch. Out of the others, there are 2 I don't want to get in touch with out of self-preservation (I wish the guys well but those were very bad, abusive relationships) and one because I won't ever trust his ulterior motives. Maybe it's a bit too soon to make the jump to friendship?
Author Nivea Posted April 24, 2016 Author Posted April 24, 2016 (edited) The reason we broke up was because he started talking about distance, how he felt pressure to always be available (even though he initiated about 90% of the communication) and that was something he struggled with in previous relationships and friendships. That he was never able to say when he needed time for himself, and that I was the first one he communicated this to. He wanted me to know he still liked me and that he was terrified of me taking it the wrong way and had tears in his eyes. I said it was fine but it did feel like it was his way of telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore. So I later said that because of distance it wasn't working out for me, which was true and it's the main reason why I would not want to be in a relationship with him now even if he would ask me to. He had a very strong emotional reaction, cried a lot talked about how great I was and said he loves me for the first time (he had accidentally said it before a few times) but I didn't say it back. I later ask if we can just take a break instead and he agrees. When I contact him again I say that I can't come up with a decision and ask him what he wants, he says we should break up because he's going to be very busy with school but that he would want to see me if it wasn't for that, but we can still be friends. I get sad and delete him off facebook but after a few weeks I reach out to him and apologize and ask if we can still be friends. He's friendly but short, goes invisible on facebook chat a few days after without me contacting him. So I ask him if we're cool and he says yes but he's very busy with school. He asks me the same question and I say it hurts a bit that he lost his feelings for me so quick but that I understand why and that his life is stressful. He just says he's sorry for hurting me and I haven't contacted him since and neither has he. He was the one who pushed for the relationship whereas I was the one who wanted something casual or being friends. I would not have a problem with him seeing someone else, but he has said many times that he can't hear about women he's interested in talking about other men so I don't know if it's that? Or if it was because he just didn't like me as a human being. Has enough friends. I don't know. It's really bothering me not knowing why. It's been about a month since we broke up and about a week since we last talked. Edited April 24, 2016 by Nivea
Author Nivea Posted April 24, 2016 Author Posted April 24, 2016 Maybe what it all boils down to is that he doesn't really like you all that much. Thinking back, that was always my reason when I was truly indifferent. I'd learned enough about the ex to know that I didn't really like her. What was it about your ex girlfriend that you didn't like? Was she mean, abusive, different world views or values etc.? Me and him never argued, we had similar views, he said it was the healthiest relationship he's been in (his first gf was bipolar and the other one abusive to him) and that I was the second girl he felt this way for.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 Honestly, most exes don't remain friends. A lot of dumpers offer friendship as a way to soften the blow when they don't have any real interest in being friends. Personally speaking, I'm not friends with my exes anymore either. There are no hard feelings, and I'd say hello if I were to run into any of them but we're not in contact anymore either. The dynamic changes once you've dated and then broken up, making true friendship an unlikely prospective. I doubt he has any ill-will toward you. He's just not interested in putting forth effort to maintain a friendship. Why do you want to be friends with him at this point? And what does being friends mean to you, exactly? Talking regularly? Meeting up sometimes? Being a shoulder to cry on? Those are all things that can be awkward with an ex, and from personal experience, it doesn't work well.
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