Reach out or keep moving?

[alwayshopeful1]

I’ve spent a few days browsing LS threads looking through ghosting/fading/disappearing posts. Trying to mentally talk some dignity into myself. Trying to come up with answers to unanswered questions. Trying to continue with “no contact” for the sake of self respect. I don’t want to tire out friends with my worries so I come to the forum with hopes of pep talk or perhaps talking sense into me.

 

I posted last Tuesday in the long distance relationship forum because my dilemma is one of long distance. Long story short I have reconnected with an old flame. After 13 years this man reconnected with me via facebook. He explained how long he had been searching for me and how now that he found me he wasn’t going to give up the opportunity of rekindling something unless I told him I wasn’t interested. He’s been divorced twice and has a child from his first marriage. I am also newly divorced with children of my own. When he initially wrote to me he was currently in a relationship. An “of and on” one as he explained.

 

We have been speaking since mid January of this year. It’s been absolutely wonderful. He’s always been (what I consider) honest and up front with me as to his intentions and relationship status. Feelings have escalated quickly on his side. I honestly feel the same way about him… I’m just scared of getting hurt however I haven’t let the fear get the best of me and have opened up more than I typically do. Everything just came flooding back. In Mid-February he explained that he had broken up with his live in girlfriend. She left to live with her sister while he figured out where he was going to move. About two weeks later he moved out of the home they were living in. To be honest I don’t know much about where he lives, who he lives with, how it ended with his off again on again girlfriend. I’ve never wanted to been intrusive because I didn't want to push him away.

 

In the past 4 months we have kept good contact via a third party messaging app. The app is used to keep our conversations private as my children like to play on my phone and having access to my text messages wouldn’t be something I would like for them to stumble across. We followed each other on Instagram however not on facebook. Since reconnecting he has visited me about 6 times. With every visit the feelings became stronger. The chemistry was like no other. The way he would express himself about his feelings for me sometimes made me want to cry. I had to fight the feeling often when we were together because it was so heartfelt. I could see it in his eyes and feel it. I have yet to visit him because of my living situation. All of which I’ve been honest with him about and all of which he has been understanding and supportive about. There were zero doubts about how we felt about each other.

 

In mid march he started a new job doing the same thing he did at his last job. Since starting that job he has been very busy. I’m sure training and learning. The stresses of starting somewhere fresh. The text messages continued, just not as frequent. I would never harass him about texting. I found myself initiating the messages which was perfectly fine. He has always been loving in his responses. Always telling me he misses me, can’t wait to see me. I would reassure him of the same.

 

As recent as a week and a half ago the texts just sort of stop all together. Of course I worry… but I don’t let it consume me. I keep myself busy. Recently, coworkers egged me on to download snapchat and so I did. A few days after I download snapchat I get a request from the guy I talk to so that he can follow me. Meanwhile we are no longer texting on the third party app. I don’t initiate and obviously he hasn’t either. He reaches out via snapchat and we send brief messages. In one of those brief messages he tells me he’s coming to see me the following week. We exchange a few more messages that week. He tells me he misses me and can’t wait to see me. I tell him the same. I wish him a happy birthday two weekends ago and he’s loving and thanks me for the wishes- tells me it’s “just another day…not a big deal”. He requests a picture via snapchat. I send it to him… and that was the last of our communication. I have yet to hear from him since almost two weeks ago. I don’t think the picture was unflattering in the slightest (and it wasn’t an inappropriate one). He usually responds when I send a pic that he asked for but on that day I got no response.

 

He was supposed to come see me last week and he didn’t come. Didn’t text, no third party app. I sent him a lengthy message expressing myself. Asking what happened. Telling him that I do feel a bit foolish and being left hanging has stung me however I just want him to be happy regardless. If he returned with the ex, I’m rooting for him. If he has a new interest, I’m rooting for him too. If he needs space, I’ll be gone. I care enough about him to just want to see him happy regardless of what happens. If it’s not meant to be it’s not meant to be.

 

My worry is that I don’t know if he ever read my message as I deleted the third party app coming to terms that maybe he’s disappeared on me. I also removed him from snapchat because I have to admit that I was angry that I took a day off to spend it with him and never heard from him. He is no longer on Instagram however is on facebook (just not active at all) and I deactivated my account once we transitioned into communicating via the third party app. I have his number but I feel ridiculous actually text messaging him.

 

I want to know if he’s okay. I want him to know that he has a friend in me no matter what. I don’t know how or why it ended if it has. I’ve been left hanging and I don’t know if I will lose my sense of dignity by trying to reach out to him to see if he’s okay. My gut tells me to reach out on some days. Other days my gut tells me to suck it up and move on. It’s been 12 days of zero contact. I wouldn’t even do that to close friends so I wonder why this is happening? I don’t want him to explain himself; I wouldn’t even ask him about what happened. It’s in the past.

If he does have a new girl or is back with the ex I would feel terrible popping back up to find out how he’s doing out of respect for a potential partner but I’ve just been left guessing.

 

As I mentioned previously- I posted in the long distance forum and received great advice and much support in terms of coming to terms that he did the "slow fade" which has helped me get through last week. I continue to think about it so I figured I would ask again considering I’ve had new thoughts since my last post.

I thank you so much for reading and value any feedback given.

Edited April 21, 2016 by alwayshopeful1

[alwayshopeful1]

"Bueller"...

anyone out there that can offer any advice?

[smackie9]

You dodged a bullet. This guy has terrible tack record, plus he was emotionally cheating with you while him having a live in GF. Red flags all over the place.

 

Get back to life and forget about him.

[authenticity]

I'd reach out. I try to preach being completely honest, not just with others but with yourself. And I can tell you are being inauthentic when you say that you wish him well, that you just want to be friends or that you are rooting for him and his ex to get back together. You have strong feelings for this person and part of those feelings are jealousy, embarrassment and low self esteem. But you're human and those feelings are ok. But I'm telling you that it's not him who are causing those feelings inside you, it's something about who you are deep down. Because if it wasn't this guy, another guy would make you feel the same way. This tells me you need to personally work on the reasons why this hurts you.

 

Your dignity/ego is a concept that you are making up. Your love is your love to give, not dependent on reciprocation. If you feel like messaging him, message him. If something reminds you of him, let him know. It's flattering, it shows integrity and it's being honest. How he responds is on him, it has NOTHING to do with you.

 

With consistent disappointment (and we can see that he's on this track) your feelings will eventually fade. It does with your friends, family, co-workers and lovers. It will fade to a point of not caring. To contentedness. And it sounds like that's what you are trying to find. Trying to remove your feelings, emotions and love by masking them with fake ideas of "friendship".

 

I promise your pain is coming from you trying to forcefully REMOVE your feelings for him rather than letting them disappear naturally. Message him and be vulnerable, take the ego hit and feel the heat of non-reciprocated love. Cause only then will you start to feel the disappointment. And then you'll slowly feel the emotions fade naturally, realizing that what matters in the end is ultimately you.

[Buddhist]

Yeah I paused when I read the bit about on again off again GF. There are two scenario's there...

 

- It's not an unstable relationship. He's cheating on her.

 

- If it is an unstable relationship why the hell won't he just end it already especially before trying to track down an old flame? Doesn't say much about his relationship skills that he keeps bouncing back with this woman while chatting you up all at the same time.

 

- He asked for a photo, realised you don't look the same as you used to and shelved his little fantasy about that 'hot old lover I'd like to get back'. In other words he was infatuated with nostalgia and finding out he's still got 'it', rather than having any real interest in you as a person.

 

Time to move on. Of course it's not as easy as shutting off feelings especially when someone has clearly invested in creating them with you. But you have to try. Don't tell yourself he hasn't contacted you because you deleted an app or closed an account in anger. You have his number, he presumably has yours. If he wanted to find you he could.

[alwayshopeful1]

You dodged a bullet. This guy has terrible tack record, plus he was emotionally cheating with you while him having a live in GF. Red flags all over the place.

 

Get back to life and forget about him.

 

You're telling me. I feel like such a masochist for even feeling the way that I do and just wanting to know the truth. But you're right. How much truth can I expect from him? Not much. Man...he's quite the disappointment. You're absolutely right. If this didn't happen now I'm positive it would have happened when more was invested in the "relationship" and would have hurt more.

[Satu]

You're telling me. I feel like such a masochist for even feeling the way that I do and just wanting to know the truth. But you're right. How much truth can I expect from him? Not much. Man...he's quite the disappointment. You're absolutely right. If this didn't happen now I'm positive it would have happened when more was invested in the "relationship" and would have hurt more.

 

The truth will set you free.

 

The truth that sets you free is the truth about yourself.

 

Self-knowledge is worth the work.

 

Trying to understand this guy isn't worth the work.

 

Proceed on your own path.

 

 

Take care.

[alwayshopeful1]

Yeah I paused when I read the bit about on again off again GF. There are two scenario's there...

 

- It's not an unstable relationship. He's cheating on her.

 

- If it is an unstable relationship why the hell won't he just end it already especially before trying to track down an old flame? Doesn't say much about his relationship skills that he keeps bouncing back with this woman while chatting you up all at the same time.

 

- He asked for a photo, realised you don't look the same as you used to and shelved his little fantasy about that 'hot old lover I'd like to get back'. In other words he was infatuated with nostalgia and finding out he's still got 'it', rather than having any real interest in you as a person.

 

Time to move on. Of course it's not as easy as shutting off feelings especially when someone has clearly invested in creating them with you. But you have to try. Don't tell yourself he hasn't contacted you because you deleted an app or closed an account in anger. You have his number, he presumably has yours. If he wanted to find you he could.

 

Buddhist,

 

You're right. I agree with you. Just confirming the realizations I've come to grasp. I'm sure he would play me the same way he's been playing her. It also wasn't the first time I've sent him a picture. He's quite the ego booster because with every picture I would send him I would get the "stunning, f****** gorgeous" comments. Even when he would come see me there was a visit where he admitted to thinking I was way out of his league and never thought that I would give him the time of day. I'm very far from shallow and don't toot my own horn so I was taken aback by the comment.

 

You made so many great points. The time and energy this man spent to locate me, to find out facts about my life, my ex husband and where he works, etc is a clear indication that if he wanted to reach out NOW- he would. He would booked flights within minutes and send me confirmations of his next visit. Hard core pursuing. Now the fog has cleared and it's pretty much consumed that he's just a douche. It pisses me off more as I realize all of this. Played like fiddle. So foolish of me

[alwayshopeful1]

I'd reach out. I try to preach being completely honest, not just with others but with yourself. And I can tell you are being inauthentic when you say that you wish him well, that you just want to be friends or that you are rooting for him and his ex to get back together. You have strong feelings for this person and part of those feelings are jealousy, embarrassment and low self esteem. But you're human and those feelings are ok. But I'm telling you that it's not him who are causing those feelings inside you, it's something about who you are deep down. Because if it wasn't this guy, another guy would make you feel the same way. This tells me you need to personally work on the reasons why this hurts you.

 

Your dignity/ego is a concept that you are making up. Your love is your love to give, not dependent on reciprocation. If you feel like messaging him, message him. If something reminds you of him, let him know. It's flattering, it shows integrity and it's being honest. How he responds is on him, it has NOTHING to do with you.

 

With consistent disappointment (and we can see that he's on this track) your feelings will eventually fade. It does with your friends, family, co-workers and lovers. It will fade to a point of not caring. To contentedness. And it sounds like that's what you are trying to find. Trying to remove your feelings, emotions and love by masking them with fake ideas of "friendship".

 

I promise your pain is coming from you trying to forcefully REMOVE your feelings for him rather than letting them disappear naturally. Message him and be vulnerable, take the ego hit and feel the heat of non-reciprocated love. Cause only then will you start to feel the disappointment. And then you'll slowly feel the emotions fade naturally, realizing that what matters in the end is ultimately you.

 

Authenticity,

 

Thank you for your honest feedback. I greatly value it. All harsh realities that I needed to read. Actually got me a little choked up. What I'm going through is exactly the reason why I despise opening up to someone who claims to care for you. Reading everyone's feedback is what I needed to STOP me from going through more disappointment and attempting to reach out to him. I hope to save myself from embarrassment and to not feel the impending jealousy that I'm sure is in store with this guy. I believe to have dealt with enough uncertainty to continue on with trying to find closure with someone who doesn't find it in himself to give me the courtesy of knowing he's alive and moved on. No respect for me whatsoever however I'm over here hoping he's happy no matter what he's decided... Enough of that. He can go to hell.

 

It's natural to care for others who you consider dear to you however you can only take so much before realizing that perhaps you should value yourself a bit more and take the higher road.

 

Thank you again. I needed to read your words.

[alwayshopeful1]

The truth will set you free.

 

The truth that sets you free is the truth about yourself.

 

Self-knowledge is worth the work.

 

Trying to understand this guy isn't worth the work.

 

Proceed on your own path.

 

 

Take care.

 

Thank you for your words, Satu.

Self worth is everything.

[alwayshopeful1]

** apologizing for the typos up there. So much on the mind and my fingers can't keep up.

 

I'm feeling more at peace knowing I shouldn't reach out as his actions speak for themselves.