Zahara Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 (edited) Agreed. And he did get tested a couple weeks ago. The only positive he had was HSV1 (though he's never had a cold sore. But a lot of people who carry don't)--which scares me, because I test negative for both. However I'm not convinced I DONT have it (the IGG test misses about 25% of type 1 cases) already. I'm scared he could have it genitally, WHICH HAS ALSO BEEN A PART OF MY HESITANCE WITH SEX, but he asked his parents apparently it turns out he had cold sores in preschool, so likely not the case. Still something to think about. Trust me, I'm the epitome of hypochondriac. There's also HPV. Another one to look out for/read up -- although you will never know if someone is infected unless there are symptoms (warts/low risk) and as for the high risk strain, I don't believe there are tests available for men. I know of someone who is infected with oral warts due to her partner carrying the low risk HPV strain and it was only known after he found a tiny bump that he thought was an ingrown hair. It was a wart after seeing a doctor. Edited April 22, 2016 by Zahara
LoveRefreshed Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 If I was with a girl that had hers and wanted to cuddle more times than not, I'd get really pissed with the selfishness too. It's hard for a guy to be upset about being sexually frustrated or unsatisfied because it's a sensitive subject that can quickly blow up with a result leaving the girl feeling objectified and devalued when the goal was only to have a more fulfilling sex life for the guy. If you've been together 3 weeks, he's had 1 orgasm and you've had 6, I think you're quite selfish. It's not about you ultimately giving him head to get him off, it's that you didn't give a **** about his satisfaction and want to please him. It's about wanting to please him, not having to please him. 1
Author PacificPlain Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 There's also HPV. Another one to look out for/read up -- although you will never know if someone is infected unless there are symptoms (warts/low risk) and as for the high risk strain, I don't believe there are tests available for men. I know of someone who is infected with oral warts due to her partner carrying the low risk HPV strain and it was only known after he found a tiny bump that he thought was an ingrown hair. It was a wart after seeing a doctor. Very true. But I've also had all the gardasil vaccines, which protect at least against the high risk strains (and I believe this entire generation should be vaccinated--you can get hpv orally from someone who doesn't even know they've picked it up yet). He was with the same partner for the last 1.5 years prior to this, and has never had an hpv symptom, so I feel pretty good about that. 1
lilmissjava Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I think you should stop the tease. First it was smoking, now it's what you can't do for him in the bedroom. What's next? He is 32, he can tell you anything you want to hear about "waiting for you" and in all probability, he will wander off and find it somewhere else. There is risk everywhere with anything. If you don't jive so well so far, why prolong the inevitable? 4
introverted1 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I don't want to permanently up my number for a guy who could be only half way there, right off the bat before other things have progressed. Whereas blowjobs are not special, not really sex, don't add to the count, and do not put you at risk for anything... right, gotcha I gotta say, everything else aside for the moment, I find this notion that putting his penis in your mouth is NOT sex but putting his penis in your vagina IS. And only the latter "ups your number permanently." Seems like a really strange place to draw a line, especially since, with the exception of pregnancy, all the risks associated with PIV sex also exist with oral sex. In any case, as Bill Clinton learned, oral sex IS sex. 1
Author PacificPlain Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 I gotta say, everything else aside for the moment, I find this notion that putting his penis in your mouth is NOT sex but putting his penis in your vagina IS. And only the latter "ups your number permanently." Seems like a really strange place to draw a line, especially since, with the exception of pregnancy, all the risks associated with PIV sex also exist with oral sex. In any case, as Bill Clinton learned, oral sex IS sex. No I understand what you mean. And I'm not saying it's not a form of sex, but in my opinion (and I would extrapolate to think most people's) it's not on the same level as actual intercourse. That's all I'm saying.
trippi1432 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 I think it was Bill Clinton who said he didn't inhale too..... PacificPlain, you are only 3 weeks into dating this guy, that's all it really is....dating. If you are looking to find someone who is compatible, you "date", you don't lie in bed with them, you don't engage in ANY sexual innuendo with them and you don't limit yourself to one guy when you are just dating and getting to know people. You DO narrow it down to the one that is the most compatible with you. Now, had you been doing this, you would have known about the smoking and could easily move on because you may have been keen on someone else who didn't smoke. And once you really narrowed down your choices (or by the time you narrow it down to one), then you might get a ring and can move on to sexual compatibility. I know, sounds antiquated, well...it is. A therapist a while back said it worked for women in the 50's and 60's and women have forgotten how to be successful at dating. Mostly due to the sexual revolution of men and women. However, it does not mean that you have to instantly give up yourself to the first guy who is keen on you. So I applaud your decision there. If a man does not have the patience to wait until you are comfortable, he's not the right man. On the other hand, you can't run hot and cold sexually on a man either. Why not find a man who will fall in love with your mind?? Your body and the rest of you are just a bonus. If you want to save that part of you then you shouldn't be engaging in any sexual innuendo.
salparadise Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 No I understand what you mean. And I'm not saying it's not a form of sex, but in my opinion (and I would extrapolate to think most people's) it's not on the same level as actual intercourse. That's all I'm saying. It's different in the same way that anal is different. Trust me sugga, it does up the number... so with this new information, what's your count looking like now?
Author PacificPlain Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 It's different in the same way that anal is different. Trust me sugga, it does up the number... so with this new information, what's your count looking like now? Three. Because oral's a big deal to me too.
salparadise Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Three. Because oral's a big deal to me too. Well darn, I was hoping you'd say 1237, but I suppose a 3:1 ratio would be considered respectable
Author PacificPlain Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 Guess none of it ultimately matters though. It's going on 24 hours since I heard from him. We haven't spoke since I sent him the text I was home last night and received his response. First time i haven't heard from all day since started talking.
Lois_Griffin Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 (edited) Good lord, is this a mismatch. The guy's a smoker. Not one a day. He's a smoker. He just hides it from you, is all. And eventually, he'll begin to resent you for it even though he's the one who lied about being a smoker. And you'd be quite mistaken if you think anyone is going to magically quit just for you. Ain't happening. When I was online dating, I made sure to let people know I was a smoker because quite honestly, I didn't want to deal with militant non-smokers whining at me all the time. Not worth it. I think your guy billed himself as a non-smoker to get more action on the dating site. I had SO many guys contact me and their profile said 'non-smoker,' so I'd immediately point out to them that I was a smoker and we weren't a match. More times than not, THEY admitted to being a smoker too (or an 'occasional' smoker which means smoker) and had left it out of their profiles. That's what your guy probably did - told you he was an 'occasional' smoker when he's just a regular smoker, is all. He's a smoker and he's not going to quit until HE wants to quit. Period. Edited April 23, 2016 by Lois_Griffin 2
smackie9 Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 There's also HPV. Another one to look out for/read up -- although you will never know if someone is infected unless there are symptoms (warts/low risk) and as for the high risk strain, I don't believe there are tests available for men. I know of someone who is infected with oral warts due to her partner carrying the low risk HPV strain and it was only known after he found a tiny bump that he thought was an ingrown hair. It was a wart after seeing a doctor. HPV virus is linked to throat cancer from giving oral a well. BTW when going in for testing they don't always test for everything, you usually have to request exactly what you want to be tested for. 1
Author PacificPlain Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 Good lord, is this a mismatch. The guy's a smoker. Not one a day. He's a smoker. He just hides it from you, is all. And eventually, he'll begin to resent you for it even though he's the one who lied about being a smoker. And you'd be quite mistaken if you think anyone is going to magically quit just for you. Ain't happening. When I was online dating, I made sure to let people know I was a smoker because quite honestly, I didn't want to deal with militant non-smokers whining at me all the time. Not worth it. I think your guy billed himself as a non-smoker to get more action on the dating site. I had SO many guys contact me and their profile said 'non-smoker,' so I'd immediately point out to them that I was a smoker and we weren't a match. More times than not, THEY admitted to being a smoker too (or an 'occasional' smoker which means smoker) and had left it out of their profiles. That's what your guy probably did - told you he was an 'occasional' smoker when he's just a regular smoker, is all. He's a smoker and he's not going to quit until HE wants to quit. Period. Just to clarify: I initially didn't meet him online. I met him through his roommate, who IS a smoker and doesn't pretend not to be. And this guy acted like he was always grossed out by the roommate's smoking, even chastising him for smoking in their garage. So I never in my wildest dreams thought this guy smoked. We reconnected on tinder, and again, no pics of cigarettes and no mention of smoking. Our first date he said he "occssionally smoked" like after a party, special occasion, or in the wilderness after a backpacking trip. Lots of people do that. Even my brother. THAT is occssionally. Every day, is very divergent from that.
Author PacificPlain Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 HPV virus is linked to throat cancer from giving oral a well. BTW when going in for testing they don't always test for everything, you usually have to request exactly what you want to be tested for. You're right on the money with this, Smackie. They can't test for HPV. And like I said, studies are showing people getting HPV from casual contact now--teenagers sharing a drink with friends, people just kissing, because HPV is now present so often orally due to the popularity of oral sex. That being said, I am vaccinated against the 2 strains that cause warts, and that same vaccine was developed to protect against the 2-3 most high risk strains for cervical cancer as well. There's over 100 strains of HPV at this time, and 30 or so are communicable. But gardasil protects against the "big bads" for the most part. Oh, yes, and STD panels don't cover every test unless you ask. The CDC doesn't even recommend routine testing for herpes! Generally herpes is the one they won't include and you have to beg for. I was very specific, that I needed herpes type specific IGG tests. I saw the results.
RedPurpleOrange Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 I don't think this is going to last. But if it's any consolation, I'm a smoker and was in 6yr relationship and right at the start she said she was head over heels but she wished I'd stop because when she kissed me, my breath tasted like sh**. So...I switched to nicotine gum and lozenges. With the occasional cigarette here and there when out for a drink or with pals. But maybe one or two every week or so rather than 20 a day. I didn't miss smoking and I saved a LOT of money. But I had gum everywhere, haha. Everywhere! And in terms of oral...I can only speak for myself but it can be a little TOO sensitive down there when it comes to that. Too much stimulation can make me feel kinda queasy? Like...contort my body pleasure-pain with the emphasis on the 'pain'...I like it but it can be a weirdly mixed bag at times and when it's too 'uber' it makes me feel sick. It might be rare but I do know other dudes who get this, too. Don't wanna sound crude but I'm uncut...I wonder if cut guys don't have this problem as much?
Author PacificPlain Posted April 24, 2016 Author Posted April 24, 2016 (edited) He called yesterday afternoon. I called him back, and it definitely wasn't the phone call I expected. He wasn't apologizing, really, it was "I can't believe you drove away and left, like you were punishing me for not being able to tell you my feelings. I like you but im not sure about this anymore." He asked why I didn't call HIM after the incident. I feel like if this argument had happened a month or two in, it would have been very different, and not catastrophic. But we're still in stage where you're learning about the other person, and HOW they handle conflict. My conflict style is to retreat, if I can't fix it. To protect myself. His apparently is to not divulge his feelings, but also not be left alone and still enjoy the person's company even if he can't yet voice his opinion. The hard part for me is knowing I own a lot of this problem, and that it's my fault, and I don't know what to say or do or communicate to attempt to make it clearer or better. It ended up being an exhausting 2 hour phone call that has left me feeling...numb? I don't know how a man can go from "Oh I'm so into you, you make me so happy, you're so unique, I miss you to....oh I don't know anymore" in the course of a day? We met up this morning. More of the same. I finally basically asked him what he wants. The answer? "I don't know." We agreed to a restart. To try to start over, and see if it works and if it doesn't, it doesn't. I told him in the meantime, we're going to start back at square one, i'm going to see other people too. He got upset about that. Quote he doesn't want to be someone's third wheel. I'm like..you don't know if you want to try with me, and if i'm worth it to you to you or not, but you don't want me to potentially meet someone else to whom im worth it to? So yeah. I have some dates to go on this week while he figures out what he wants to do. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. But that's where we're at. I basically feel like we've been a fight about nothing. Edited April 24, 2016 by PacificPlain
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 24, 2016 Posted April 24, 2016 You know that's a great question. Oh wait, maybe it's because there's an inherent risk of disease and pregnancy, even with protection and testing, and I don't want to permanently up my number for a guy who could be only half way there, right off the bat before other things have progressed. Excuse me for wanting sex to be special. I'm sorry but this is priceless
Author PacificPlain Posted April 25, 2016 Author Posted April 25, 2016 I'm sorry but this is priceless Are you being sarcastic??
bathtub-row Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 He called yesterday afternoon. I called him back, and it definitely wasn't the phone call I expected. He wasn't apologizing, really, it was "I can't believe you drove away and left, like you were punishing me for not being able to tell you my feelings. I like you but im not sure about this anymore." He asked why I didn't call HIM after the incident. I feel like if this argument had happened a month or two in, it would have been very different, and not catastrophic. But we're still in stage where you're learning about the other person, and HOW they handle conflict. My conflict style is to retreat, if I can't fix it. To protect myself. His apparently is to not divulge his feelings, but also not be left alone and still enjoy the person's company even if he can't yet voice his opinion. The hard part for me is knowing I own a lot of this problem, and that it's my fault, and I don't know what to say or do or communicate to attempt to make it clearer or better. It ended up being an exhausting 2 hour phone call that has left me feeling...numb? I don't know how a man can go from "Oh I'm so into you, you make me so happy, you're so unique, I miss you to....oh I don't know anymore" in the course of a day? We met up this morning. More of the same. I finally basically asked him what he wants. The answer? "I don't know." We agreed to a restart. To try to start over, and see if it works and if it doesn't, it doesn't. I told him in the meantime, we're going to start back at square one, i'm going to see other people too. He got upset about that. Quote he doesn't want to be someone's third wheel. I'm like..you don't know if you want to try with me, and if i'm worth it to you to you or not, but you don't want me to potentially meet someone else to whom im worth it to? So yeah. I have some dates to go on this week while he figures out what he wants to do. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. But that's where we're at. I basically feel like we've been a fight about nothing. I'm finding it really hard to believe you're still considering any type of relationship with this guy. Are you just attracted to high incompatibility, or you just don't know how to cut the cord even when it's glaringly obvious how wrong the relationship is for you? 2
carhill Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 I don't know how a man can go from "Oh I'm so into you, you make me so happy, you're so unique, I miss you to....oh I don't know anymore" in the course of a day? Ha, ha, I had that experience with an alcoholic or two once upon a time. Never underestimate the power of addiction. The substance is simply the canary. The authentic behaviors generally trickle and then the full effect becomes evident when they sense they 'have' you. TBH, I'm a bit envious of how good these folks are at getting what they want out of others. Masterful. Great readers and masters of behavioral analysis. I have a number of female friends who smoke and I expect them to smoke until they die. One already has but I think the alcohol killed her, as she was only an occasional smoker, mostly when drinking. I've got another one like that, same thing, but she's still alive but not an alcoholic AFAIK. Bottom line....people do what they do. Sure, we can have opinions but they'll continue doing what they do until they're dead or choose to change what they do. Like I told the second, still alive, friend this past weekend, she's a big girl with adult kids and knows very well what effects the substances have on the body. No sense in my beating the horse, rather I love the person. In your case, looking for a partner, find someone who has a compatible lifestyle. This guy apparently isn't the one.
trippi1432 Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 He called yesterday afternoon. I called him back, and it definitely wasn't the phone call I expected. He wasn't apologizing, really, it was "I can't believe you drove away and left, like you were punishing me for not being able to tell you my feelings. I like you but im not sure about this anymore." He asked why I didn't call HIM after the incident. I feel like if this argument had happened a month or two in, it would have been very different, and not catastrophic. But we're still in stage where you're learning about the other person, and HOW they handle conflict. My conflict style is to retreat, if I can't fix it. To protect myself. His apparently is to not divulge his feelings, but also not be left alone and still enjoy the person's company even if he can't yet voice his opinion. The hard part for me is knowing I own a lot of this problem, and that it's my fault, and I don't know what to say or do or communicate to attempt to make it clearer or better. It ended up being an exhausting 2 hour phone call that has left me feeling...numb? I don't know how a man can go from "Oh I'm so into you, you make me so happy, you're so unique, I miss you to....oh I don't know anymore" in the course of a day? We met up this morning. More of the same. I finally basically asked him what he wants. The answer? "I don't know." We agreed to a restart. To try to start over, and see if it works and if it doesn't, it doesn't. I told him in the meantime, we're going to start back at square one, i'm going to see other people too. He got upset about that. Quote he doesn't want to be someone's third wheel. I'm like..you don't know if you want to try with me, and if i'm worth it to you to you or not, but you don't want me to potentially meet someone else to whom im worth it to? So yeah. I have some dates to go on this week while he figures out what he wants to do. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. But that's where we're at. I basically feel like we've been a fight about nothing. Actually, I applaud you on this. I will point out that your retreat style when it comes to conflict is something you should work on for you. His style appears to be "sweep it under the rug", not good either. So another area where the two of you aren't compatible. What I applaud you on is yes, go on more dates. Not to snare this guy that you are obviously not compatible with, but to find someone who is. At this point, he should take note that he's not the one and exit stage left. That would be the mature thing for you both to do. No relationship that begins with conflict will be a good relationship ever....it only gets worse.
Author PacificPlain Posted April 25, 2016 Author Posted April 25, 2016 Actually, I applaud you on this. I will point out that your retreat style when it comes to conflict is something you should work on for you. His style appears to be "sweep it under the rug", not good either. So another area where the two of you aren't compatible. What I applaud you on is yes, go on more dates. Not to snare this guy that you are obviously not compatible with, but to find someone who is. At this point, he should take note that he's not the one and exit stage left. That would be the mature thing for you both to do. No relationship that begins with conflict will be a good relationship ever....it only gets worse. Definitely understand this. But to be honest, if we were fighting here, I don't even really know what we were fighting about.
trippi1432 Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 Ha, ha, I had that experience with an alcoholic or two once upon a time. Never underestimate the power of addiction. The substance is simply the canary. The authentic behaviors generally trickle and then the full effect becomes evident when they sense they 'have' you. TBH, I'm a bit envious of how good these folks are at getting what they want out of others. Masterful. Great readers and masters of behavioral analysis. I have a number of female friends who smoke and I expect them to smoke until they die. One already has but I think the alcohol killed her, as she was only an occasional smoker, mostly when drinking. I've got another one like that, same thing, but she's still alive but not an alcoholic AFAIK. Bottom line....people do what they do. Sure, we can have opinions but they'll continue doing what they do until they're dead or choose to change what they do. Like I told the second, still alive, friend this past weekend, she's a big girl with adult kids and knows very well what effects the substances have on the body. No sense in my beating the horse, rather I love the person. In your case, looking for a partner, find someone who has a compatible lifestyle. This guy apparently isn't the one. I don't think the OP has mentioned the guy being an alcoholic yet....that may be next if she were to continue dating him, but as a smoker, my emotions don't switch from one extreme to the other as the quoted text from the OP stated. Addiction is just that, legal substance or worse, illegal substance. At any rate, your point is noted; however, one can live an extremely healthy lifestyle and still contract a serious illness that no one signed up for and still have to deal with it. A 37 year old co-worker of mine has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, healthy lifestyle, jogs, works out....doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs. No history of this in his family either. The fact is, it's the person not the vice. If the vice is so bad that it makes the person unbearable, run. I've had a man with a Superbowl ring want to date me, he throws back 36 shots easily and becomes a lunatic and an angry drunk...no thank you. Any one who dates him sees the behavior and where that is going, but not the one who dated and married and had two children with my co-worker who lived a healthy lifestyle probably didn't see this coming. Everything is a roll of the dice.
trippi1432 Posted April 25, 2016 Posted April 25, 2016 Definitely understand this. But to be honest, if we were fighting here, I don't even really know what we were fighting about. Sweetie....go back to post #54 that you posted two days ago. He wants to forge ahead to have sex and you want to know your are protected and want to wait. Waiting is fine...go date and not allow yourself to be in that situation ever until you really know if he is the guy for you....vices and all. Date and don't let anyone pin you down until they are the right person for you. The "fight" you were probably having that you don't get is the oldest one in the book....sex. 1
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