Emilia Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 The sad part is other than this, he is so good to me. He is better to me than any man I've ever dated for any period of time, even in the beginning. In three weeks he's got me flowers twice (no one has done that for me in years), remembers and gets my favorite beer at the grocery, opens doors for me, has made me dinner and calls me. I'm sitting here writing this out realizing how pathetic this sounds--maybe that's not proof of someone being extra great guy, maybe that's just way it's SUPPOSE TO BE when you value dating someone and I've just been dating crappy guys. It's only been a few weeks, you have no clue what he is like. He's been nice and been getting you flowers. Hardly something to base decisions on. Everyone has good and bad in them, you shouldn't put anyone on a pedestal. 3
amaysngrace Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 If he can't even go on a date without lighting up at some point he's a heavy smoker. I don't blame you for not wanting to date a smoker for a long term relationship. Not only will he smell and taste like crap, one day he may not be able to breathe. I wouldn't sign up for that. 1
Emilia Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 If he can't even go on a date without lighting up at some point he's a heavy smoker. I don't blame you for not wanting to date a smoker for a long term relationship. Not only will he smell and taste like crap, one day he may not be able to breathe. I wouldn't sign up for that. Yeah an ex of mine didn't smoke when we were out and gave up completely eventually. I never raised the issue as I knew before we started dating that he was a smoker and he stopped by himself, largely to save money. 1
Author PacificPlain Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 Posted a thread about this guy once before. Backstory: seeing each other 3 weeks, smoking bugs me and I've been figuring out how to deal, he's been very good to me this far. Last night we went out for drinks, then went back to his place and things got heated (I'm not ready for sex yet. I've expressed this to him. I've only had sex with one person and it's a big deal for me). TMI WARNING AHEAD: Let's just say I got my own climax and then immediately wanted to cuddle/stop. I have in the past tried to get him off after, and it hasn't worked, so I figured this was fine. So we were laying there talking and everything was fine. Then I told him I wanted to give him oral. Then, like a switch flipped, he's laying in a blanket with me and he says "you can't get me turned on again. Because I'm grumpy now" like flippantly. Turns out he wasn't kidding. I asked why. He's like "you, but I can't reall express it. I'll have to think about it. I'll let you know when I figure out what." The only thing he could finally come up with is "well, you're really selfish sexually. I wondered if it would change." And then I got him worked up again, proceeded to attempt to give him oral, he's happy and into it, and then half way through goes "just stop. I'm not going to get off from this. Because I was upset earlier." So I'm just sitting there...dejected and vulnerable. At this point I got angry--and I'm a QUIET angry. I put my clothes on and told him he didn't have to walk me out. Then at this point he wants to hug me and tell me quote "he still likes me he's just upset." And insists on walking me out and me texting him when I get home safely. His last text to me says "I understand if you don't want to talk, but please let me know you're safe." Today I'm awake asking myself what just happened. He's 32. Something tells me he knows how to behave better than this, and is just trying to see how he can push me around. I don't have a good metric of relationships--he also knows this. I also was raised by a very volatile dad. I hate surprises. Having someone tell me they're "upset but don't know why other than its me" and waiting for the other shoe to drop feels vaguely familiar. Should I just end things now? Is this a legitimate concern I should listen to? Or is this just a guy who knows better being bad? I need advice?
Toodaloo Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Would you just end it with this guy already! You don't like that he smokes and refuse to accept it, you will not sleep with him but tease with other stuff until he is just annoyed beyond belief rather than turned on... Let me guess you are a vegetarian and his fav ever food is steak... because there will be something else soon... How many more serious incompatibilities do you actually need here? Or are you really that desperate that you are just clinging to him? Come on OP... time to bite the bullet. He is going to dump you soon anyway so may as well end the agony now rather than later. 6
introverted1 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 First off, if you're having orgasms with this guy, you ARE having sex. You just aren't having PIV intercourse. Ok. Have you ever given him an orgasm first? If it doesn't work out well when he gets you off first and then you attempt (unsuccessfully, it appears) to get him off, have you thought about switching it around? Have you asked him what he would enjoy or why he doesn't get off? It doesn't sound as though you are fully committed to his enjoyment, which would be a legitimate reason for him being upset, imo. His comment about you being sexually selfish sounds pretty revealing to me. That might be something to explore. 2
Larryville Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Should I just end things now? Yes, absolutely end it, right freaking now. You are wasting your time, mental and emotional energy. Ladies when guys are idiots, catch a clue and drop them and stop overthinking the decision. Life is too damn short wasting time navigating thru this kind nonsense. 4
lilmissjava Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 It probably has something to do with smoking. You aren't sexually compatible, and that's two strikes for you. Strike three or take a walk? 2
Author PacificPlain Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 First off, if you're having orgasms with this guy, you ARE having sex. You just aren't having PIV intercourse. Ok. Have you ever given him an orgasm first? If it doesn't work out well when he gets you off first and then you attempt (unsuccessfully, it appears) to get him off, have you thought about switching it around? Have you asked him what he would enjoy or why he doesn't get off? It doesn't sound as though you are fully committed to his enjoyment, which would be a legitimate reason for him being upset, imo. His comment about you being sexually selfish sounds pretty revealing to me. That might be something to explore. Right? I have tried to get him off separately, and he loses it. Says "it works better if I'm getting pleasure at the same time". This has happened both from me touching him, and him touching himself. I've only successfully seen him climax once. Just based on my past experiences...I'm only going to deal with that so many times before I stop caring and just care about ME getting off. Hes bragged to me he's quote "a very generous lover" I'm thinking...really? You're resenting me over about 5 orgasms I've had that you haven't. We also had some discussion about children and views on children and he told me "I would love to have a kid one day. But I wouldn't be able to SEE the birth. If I did, I'd never be able to view my partner/wife sexually again." I took offense to that, because I feel like it's kind of hypocritical. But I understand a lot of men probably have that idea. So that was also on his "I'm vaguely angry but don't know why" list. I just feel like at 3 weeks I should still think he walks on water/vice a Versa, not have him get pissed at me.
Toodaloo Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 We also had some discussion about children and views on children and he told me "I would love to have a kid one day. But I wouldn't be able to SEE the birth. If I did, I'd never be able to view my partner/wife sexually again." I took offense to that, because I feel like it's kind of hypocritical. But I understand a lot of men probably have that idea. So that was also on his "I'm vaguely angry but don't know why" list. Strike three for the incompatability... Do you wish to further your collection of issues or just make it easy on yourself and walk away? 1
Zahara Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I just feel like at 3 weeks I should still think he walks on water/vice a Versa, not have him get pissed at me. In 3 weeks there shouldn't be this much drama and uncertainty. Writing on the wall. 6
lilmissjava Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I just feel like at 3 weeks I should still think he walks on water/vice a Versa, not have him get pissed at me. I think you answered your own question yourself here. At three weeks, it shouldn't be so difficult. Resenting you sexually now? I would definitely cut him loose. 3
salparadise Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I've only successfully seen him climax once. Just based on my past experiences...I'm only going to deal with that so many times before I stop caring and just care about ME getting off. I took offense to that, because I feel like it's kind of hypocritical. But I understand a lot of men probably have that idea. I just feel like at 3 weeks I should still think he walks on water/vice a Versa, not have him get pissed at me. I dunno, seems like to me you sort of specialize in taking offense. Hey, I've got a novel idea... why don't you try having intercourse? Oh, that's right... you're not ready. Walks on water, eh? I heard there was a guy about 2k years ago who did that, but he might not have been perfect enough, or sexually generous enough for you. But they say he's returning soon, so you might ditch the mortal SOB and make yourself available. 3
introverted1 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Right? I have tried to get him off separately, and he loses it. Says "it works better if I'm getting pleasure at the same time". This has happened both from me touching him, and him touching himself. I've only successfully seen him climax once. Just based on my past experiences...I'm only going to deal with that so many times before I stop caring and just care about ME getting off. Hes bragged to me he's quote "a very generous lover" I'm thinking...really? You're resenting me over about 5 orgasms I've had that you haven't. We also had some discussion about children and views on children and he told me "I would love to have a kid one day. But I wouldn't be able to SEE the birth. If I did, I'd never be able to view my partner/wife sexually again." I took offense to that, because I feel like it's kind of hypocritical. But I understand a lot of men probably have that idea. So that was also on his "I'm vaguely angry but don't know why" list. I just feel like at 3 weeks I should still think he walks on water/vice a Versa, not have him get pissed at me. I think the bold above is a very bad sign. I am wondering if he has some form of ED and chooses to blame you rather than address it. I know you said he smokes. Does he drink? How much? Is he overweight? How old? On the other hand, you could just say NEXT and not deal with what seems like an awful lot of stuff for a 3-week-old "relationship." 2
Rainah Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Sounds like your giving him sexually mixed signals so he got a little mad about it because he is a bloke, he wants sex, he is ready. If your not ready you should just be straight, cuddle with him and that's that, if your not ready for sex you shouldn't be ready for the other stuff? To me is seems like sexually mixed signals.
Author PacificPlain Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 I think the bold above is a very bad sign. I am wondering if he has some form of ED and chooses to blame you rather than address it. I know you said he smokes. Does he drink? How much? Is he overweight? How old? On the other hand, you could just say NEXT and not deal with what seems like an awful lot of stuff for a 3-week-old "relationship." He does drink, but not heavily, and has no problem getting hard even in situations where nothing is happening (i.e., we're sitting a bar...I just reached over to pat your leg and...oh.), so I don't think it's ED at all.
Author PacificPlain Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 Sounds like your giving him sexually mixed signals so he got a little mad about it because he is a bloke, he wants sex, he is ready. If your not ready you should just be straight, cuddle with him and that's that, if your not ready for sex you shouldn't be ready for the other stuff? To me is seems like sexually mixed signals. I've asked him that. He says no. And he says he's good with waiting til I'm ready. Quote last night: "if you decide you want to wait 7 months, I'd still be okay with it. Would I die or explode? Probably. But I'd still be okay with it. You're worth it. There's more to how I feel about you then sex." He's 32. I think some of it is he's conditioned at this point women put out very quickly. No one has made him wait this long.
Author PacificPlain Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 Hey, I've got a novel idea... why don't you try having intercourse? Oh, that's right... you're not ready. You know that's a great question. Oh wait, maybe it's because there's an inherent risk of disease and pregnancy, even with protection and testing, and I don't want to permanently up my number for a guy who could be only half way there, right off the bat before other things have progressed. Excuse me for wanting sex to be special.
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I imagine you made that clear, and he did it again? If you are worth the effort he will stop, period. That's not true. Some people can't overcome some addictions no matter how much another person is worth to them. OP you started dating a smoker, either get ok with dating a smoker or break up. 1
clia Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 He might've been grumpy and/or wanted you to leave so he could have a cigarette. That nicotine urge can be very strong. 3
salparadise Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 You know that's a great question. Oh wait, maybe it's because there's an inherent risk of disease and pregnancy, even with protection and testing, and I don't want to permanently up my number for a guy who could be only half way there, right off the bat before other things have progressed. Excuse me for wanting sex to be special. Whereas blowjobs are not special, not really sex, don't add to the count, and do not put you at risk for anything... right, gotcha 6
Zahara Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 You know that's a great question. Oh wait, maybe it's because there's an inherent risk of disease. Unfortunately, with oral sex -- there is also a risk. 1
smackie9 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 He's upset because you won't have sex with him and I don't blame him, but his behavior is passive/aggressive is a red flag. You on the other hand shouldn't be wallowing around in bed with him if you have no intention of having intercourse. If you want to wait for that magic moment with a man, the right thing to do is stay out of the bedroom until you are ready. All you are doing is frustrating him, he feels misled, now to get his point across he acts like a child......yes please walk this guy isn't really much into making it special for you. 1
Author PacificPlain Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 Unfortunately, with oral sex -- there is also a risk. Agreed. And he did get tested a couple weeks ago. The only positive he had was HSV1 (though he's never had a cold sore. But a lot of people who carry don't)--which scares me, because I test negative for both. However I'm not convinced I DONT have it (the IGG test misses about 25% of type 1 cases) already. I'm scared he could have it genitally, WHICH HAS ALSO BEEN A PART OF MY HESITANCE WITH SEX, but he asked his parents apparently it turns out he had cold sores in preschool, so likely not the case. Still something to think about. Trust me, I'm the epitome of hypochondriac.
salparadise Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 He's upset because you won't have sex with him and I don't blame him, but his behavior is passive/aggressive is a red flag. You on the other hand shouldn't be wallowing around in bed with him if you have no intention of having intercourse. If you want to wait for that magic moment with a man, the right thing to do is stay out of the bedroom until you are ready. Good advice I'd say. You're getting him all worked up and leaving him high and dry. No man is going to think... oh, yea baby that's what I like, orgasm denial. Some men have a difficult time cumming from oral. I can relate. I've had a few girlfriends who thought I should blow after about 90 seconds, and weren't willing to take the time and figure out how to make it happen. So it end up just being part of the foreplay leading to intercourse, I've never been with anyone who was willing to give oral but not have intercourse. I hear the youngsters are doing oral casually these days with the idea that it doesn't count or whatever, but it doesn't make any sense to me. All you are doing is frustrating him, he feels misled, now to get his point across he acts like a child......yes please walk this guy isn't really much into making it special for you. At three weeks and with her being so invested in maintaining her virginity and all I'd agree that it doesn't look like a good match. But I wouldn't put it any more on the guy than on her. They're just not clicking and both of them are already resenting the other. 2
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