amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Some of us see the world only in black and white. A quitter is someone who fights the addiction. He might not always win, but he's trying. He's a quitter. He's a smoker, not a quitter. 1
Zapbasket Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 OP, I totally get that this is a big deal. I think most dating sites agree, which is why there's always the box you can check and by which people can filter out certain things. Under "Smoking" it says things like, "No way!" "Occasionally." "Every day." It's because this CAN be a dealbreaker for a lot of people. I have smoked 3-5 cigs a day at about three periods of my life for a bout 6-8 months at a time, gotten disgusted with it, and quit. I will have one once in a great moon when out at a party. Even with that "history," I would not want to date a smoker. It's just not something I want in my everyday life and I HATE how it smells, and to kiss someone with smoke on his breath? It also has long-term health consequences, the treatment of which can be financially and emotionally draining in the extreme. On that basis alone, I think it's perfectly reasonable to not want someone who smokes, even just one a day. One a day anyway sounds like a gateway to more when the chips are down for a person. I do agree that you can't ask him to quit, but you can tell him it is a dealbreaker for you, and you are so sorry because you really like him. If he doesn't quit even after knowing that, know that it is NOT about you. I do think you should bow out now, before things get too complicated with deeper feelings, etc. It sucks having to make decisions like this, I know. But stand by what you want. You can find someone who is a great boyfriend AND a non-smoker. 1
Lady2163 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I've described what it's like to be a smoker. Say you smoke one cigarette roughly every hour. Now let's say you as a non smoker, are thirsty. All you want is a tall glass of ice water. And you want it now. But for whatever reason you can't have it. After a few minutes, the urge goes away. An hour later, you are craving a glass of water again. This happens 18 times a day. Every time you power through it, but it gets harder and harder. You're thirsty, damn it! It is so easy to walk to the refrigerator and get it. That's what a regular smoker goes through their first 72 hours. Or longer. Every hour you have a few minutes of struggle. It's worse if you wake up in the night and have the craving and can't get back to sleep. You're now fighting the craving and lack of sleep. Eventually it subsides, where it isn't every hour, but a craving is VERY stressful. Fighting through them is sheer agony. Being around people and fighting through them is worse. It takes me a bit longer to get through those hourly cravings. I fall off the wagon at about two months. I just CANT fight another craving. I've often wondered if all addictions are like that. I will also tell you, once the legalize marijuana, things are going to get worse. While laws have made things safer environmentally, they've also created a generation of people who are so sensitive to the smell and taste, that we have this post. Marijuana may be all "natural", but you talk about stench and oily and sticking to things and hanging around in the air and on fabric. Whew. OP, every time you mention smoking to him, you make it worse. I had a good friend who once she became an ex smoker was just impossible to be around. She griped about the smell on my clothes in my own house. It made me more on edge that I was going to have to listen to her complain. It got to the point, I would have a cigarette, shower then go meet her. After two hours I was ready for our activity to be done. Worse if we had eaten a meal. He smokes. One a day. Odds are that will increase. Odds are it is increased. You know this about him. He isn't hiding it. It is a legal activity. I wouldn't date an alcoholic or a drug addict or a gambler if I knew this was part of them. I don't think he can change for you. I KNOW he can't change for you, he has to want it for himself. Honestly, I think you have to end it, but if you don't give a reason other than smoking, like all addicts, he will promise to quit, to try harder. I think he wants to, but it is just that damn hard. 5
amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 If he's still a smoker he shouldn't have said he's a non-smoker. If he doesn't value himself enough to quit then he's not going to value you properly either. 3
LoveRefreshed Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 If he's still a smoker he shouldn't have said he's a non-smoker. If he doesn't value himself enough to quit then he's not going to value you properly either. Absolutely not even close to resembling a truth. 4
amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Absolutely not even close to resembling a truth. Of course it's true. Second hand smoke alone makes it true.
kendahke Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I kind of figured that about the smoking. So I haven't been saying anything. But then I kiss him and can taste it and it's just too much to not say anything in that instance. And yes. He uses gum and brushes his teeth and uses mouth wash--guess what, I can still taste it. You already know the answer to this---either tolerate it to be with him or don't and quit seeing him. There's nothing any of us is going to say that's going make him flip into someone who doesn't have an ADDICTION to nicotine. Stress causes people to want to smoke more, so you jumping on his head all the time about something you already know about is a waste of time. Deal with it or bounce. Those are your only two options. You can't control him, just yourself. 3
LoveRefreshed Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Of course it's true. Second hand smoke alone makes it true. He can smoke outdoor. It's not a value thing. My mom didn't not love me because she was an alocholic. She was a ****ty mother but her drinking had little to do with me and everything to do with her. Addicts don't clean up or become addicts because of other people. An addict cleans up because they want to and had the strength to beat addiction, not because of a love for an external person. You are absolutely wrong. 3
kendahke Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Of course it's true. Second hand smoke alone makes it true. No it's not. It's addiction, not an inconvenience. And OP doesn't have to stick around if she doesn't like it. 6
dumbass2 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Is he trying anything that might help him to stop? It is very hard to quite cold turkey. He will need some type of help. Have you two discussed medication like Chantix? Have you both sat down and Googled searched "stop smoking" just to see what's out there? Just telling him he needs to stop is not enough. Telling him it's a deal breaker is not enough. If you really really like him and see a future with him (without the smoking), then make sure you have tried talking about ways to help him stop and just be supportive. If he wont even try or isn't really making a full effort to stop, then you'll have no choice than to leave him. Sometimes you don't know what you have until you don't have it any more. When some loses something dear to them because of a bad habit or something they've done, they are more likely to want to quite or change on their own. Telling someone over and over again just doesn't work.
amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 He can smoke outdoor. It's not a value thing. My mom didn't not love me because she was an alocholic. She was a ****ty mother but her drinking had little to do with me and everything to do with her. Addicts don't clean up or become addicts because of other people. An addict cleans up because they want to and had the strength to beat addiction, not because of a love for an external person. You are absolutely wrong. I never said any of what you're claiming. I said an addict can't value anybody properly if they don't even value themselves enough to get clean. You said that's not true then proceed to make crap up. 1
bathtub-row Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Don't date someone who smokes. Period. You should've walked the day you found this out, instead of beating your head against a wall. And the truth is, if you get him to quit, in times of stress he'll go right back to it. Stop trying to make this about you or the smoking. This is a dealbreaker for you. What else is there to talk about? 3
amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I quit smoking after decades of being a smoker. I wore a patch through the death of my mother. You are suppose to wear a patch for a couple months...I ended up wearing one everyday for about nine. Please don't call me ignorant when it comes to addiction. I probably forget more about it than you ever learned.
Larryville Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 If you really really like him and see a future with him (without the smoking), then make sure you have tried talking about ways to help him stop and just be supportive. If he wont even try or isn't really making a full effort to stop, then you'll have no choice than to leave him. Don't date someone who smokes. Period. You should've walked the day you found this out, instead of beating your head against a wall. It's addiction, not an inconvenience. And OP doesn't have to stick around if she doesn't like it. Wow folks are getting way to too personal, y’all gots to chill… LOL! I don’t see the debate here. If she is a non-smoker she need to bail NOW. There is no debate, should not have even gone this far. Dude has an addiction, how he got it, or how long he has been a smoker, how many per day or whether or not he can quit is irrelevant. As far as OP’s purposes it is absolutely a non-issue because every cig dude inhales will jack up the next kiss and that is ALL OP will be thinking about, every freaking time. 6
smackie9 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Don't date someone who smokes. Period. You should've walked the day you found this out, instead of beating your head against a wall. And the truth is, if you get him to quit, in times of stress he'll go right back to it. Stop trying to make this about you or the smoking. This is a dealbreaker for you. What else is there to talk about? This^^^^100%. OP sorry to say this but your attitude towards this guy stinks. You act like he is going out of his way to treat you like crap/disrespecting you when this has zero to do with you. In fact with you sticking around, berating him is being very negative..... it's so wrong. Quitting smoking is a very personal thing. Been there done that. Move on, obviously this guy is not for you. 6
mellywell Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I cannot handle smoking. I get a migraine within half an hour of being around the smoke, and my eyes burn, and it's not good. So my option is this: I will not date someone who says they smoke at all. The problem here is that even though he used the word "occasionally," you knew he smoked from the beginning. You may not like it, and I may agree with you that it's a nasty habit, but you do not get to dictate what he does, and it is not a measure of his feelings for you or his ability to value someone. He smokes occasionally (for him - and I know enough smokers to know that 1 cig a day would be in their definition of occasionally). You knew this. Now that you know what that means to him you don't like it. You are not obligated to keep seeing him, and he is NOT obligated to change his habit for you. I went out with someone who harped on diet sodas all the time. I don't drink much. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I try to eat healthy food. I exercise. My diet soda is my ONE vice. He wasn't gonna nag me out of it.He was not my mama, and I was not obligated to change my soda habits for him. I stopped seeing him. It really is that easy. 1
lilmissjava Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 A few weeks in isn't that long so I think if not smoking is important to you, perhaps you should cut him loose. It won't happen overnight. As everyone before me has posted, it is an addiction. It's not for you to decide when he quits, like with all addictions, he has to want to for himself for reasons other than holding onto a girl he is just dating. Depending on where you met, if you met online, I am sure you would have noticed if he smokes or not. Date non-smokers only. Dilemma solved. 3
Zahara Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Is this the beginning of a blatant disregard for my wishes? I'm trying to figure out if there's anything I can do, or if i should just leave now. A smoker is going to quit because they want to quit. Not because a girlfriend demands it, the doctor said so, etc. I lived in a home of smokers. My brother started at 16 and quit at 30. He wanted to change his lifestyle. He has not touched a cigarette in 15 years. My father started at 15. Quit cigarettes for a few months after he had a triple bypass. Under the close supervision of my mother, he sometimes had to go "run errands" to smoke a cigarette or hide in the garden behind the house while she was on the phone. It's not about your wishes. Forcing him will only garner you temporary results. Nothing you can do. Either accept it or move on. 4
Shanex Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I quit because of e-cigarette and ''vaping'' and I'm content with that. He either quit or you may try to force him in changing even a bad habits so it's up to him. He might like his smokes more than women. 1
ASG Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 It's someone attempting to quit. It's someone struggling to make it through the day without smoking 4. It's not a smoker. It's someone who hasn't yet given in and claimed the title. Having smoked and having quit 4 times in my life, the last relapse was 3 years without a cigarette. Then I smoked like a chimney for 6 months in Germany, came home and fought it for 3 months before finally dropping them again and being clean for 8 months. Cigs are no ****ing joke, and you telling someone they're a smoker having one a day, fighting the best is like telling the fat guy at the gym that he's a lazy ass couch potato. Your view point is trashing someone's efforts, IMO. They are not a smoker. I actually view it a different way. Even when I quit smoking (for 2 years!!!), I still called myself a smoker. A smoker that didn't smoke. But kinda like an alcoholic, I knew that if I started smoking again, I would go back to my smoking habits. Which happened. It started with one every now and then, and within a year I was back to smoking regularly. As for the OP, you won't be able to force him to quit. If you can't deal, you need to move on... 1
mortensorchid Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I smoke. I have tried to quit may times. I only quit successfully once. I was going out with a guy who did not smoke, and he said it wasn't going to be a permanent set up until I quit. And lost weight. So after I had lost about 30 of the 40 lbs I would eventually loose, I went on the patches and had quit at that point for about 6 weeks. He broke up with me. He was absolutely furious with me that I had both lost weight and quit smoking. I asked why he was so angry. He said it was because it took me too long to do either one. I was blown away, truly. I think he always held that over my head that both of those things were what he could hold over me to make him superior to me. And then he had to pay it forward and he didn't want to pay it forward. He was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me in his delivery of these things, I assure you. Karma, however, has a way of biting back at you, and I assure you karma was a real b**** to him for this, but that's another story. People are so uptight about it it's unbelievable. People hate cigarettes more than they hate heroin now. It's a bad habit, it's an addiction, it's hard to quit. IT IS. But don't hold that over the other person's head for whatever reason just because it's politically correct. And yes, I understand even if it was / was not PC it might bother the other person, I do. But is that ALL that's wrong with this person? I'm just asking. 1
trippi1432 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 OP - I'm going through something similar as well with a guy I am dating; however, opposite extremes. He has informed me that he could never consider anyone a long term partner that smokes cigarettes. Dating is fine, but other than that, it's a deal breaker. Honestly, he treats me wonderfully....couldn't ask for a better guy, but I'm NOT going to quit for him. He even said later that it's something that I have to do for me, but the fact is it doesn't happen overnight. In all of this discussion he and I have had about it, it made me wonder just what else in my life that I do enjoy that I might have to give up...such as music, my friends, the fun times in life that I have come to know before him and without him. It is something that he assured me he would never do; however, it does have me guarding my feelings for him and my heart. Honestly, when someone tells you that you are not long term material or you are thinking that yourself because you cannot accept this "flaw", it would do you both a favor to move on. People don't change for you, they change for themselves (after hoping my ex-husband who was an avid alcoholic and gambler would one day change for the better, I know this first hand). 3
LookAtThisPOst Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I had an ex who despised smoking so much he didn't want to be with anyone who smoked even if we weren't around each other, so for the duration of the R I simply didn't. I also know another couple where they met, she made it clear it was a deal breaker and he quit on the spot for good (that was over a decade ago). I had a g/f that was trying to quit but failed and said "screw it"....she told me her mother said the only reason she quit smoking was because her husband made it an ultimatum for when they got married. She did...they've been married for a while, but she said to her daughter, "As soon as your father leaves this earth...I'm lightin' back up! lol!!" 1
elaine567 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 You cant TELL a guy who smokes to stop smoking and to stop using snus. You either put up, or shut up and move on. NO point in torturing yourself over the smell and taste of tobacco, and NO point in making him miserable when YOU are annoyed with him. Incompatibility issue. 2
Phoenician Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 irrespective of the fact that smoking is bad for his health ; should he do every thing to please you even if it is not pleasing him ? would you stop a bad habit for life for him ? or are u perfect ! Compatibility is not a match process only it is also acceptance .
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