PacificPlain Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks. He treats me wonderfully, better than any man ever has. I like him. The problem? He smokes. Hear me out on this. Apparently he started smoking at like 16. Did it off an on for a long time. And he will quit, like he has a couple years ago, yet still have one "occssionally". At least this is what he told me on our first date. I believed him. And it's why I couldn't quite understand the very faint taste of cigarettes on his saliva. Then I come to find out...lately he has a minimum of one, every day. But yet he doesn't call himself a smoker. I think even one smoke a day makes you a smoker. About a week in, we went to an event (I drove) and on the way I told him how much I don't like it. You could tell I was upset. On the way back, he convinced me to stop at the gas station because he wanted a beer. Imagine what he walks out with, in addition to the beer? A pack of cigarettes! After I've just told him a few hours before how upset it makes me! I told him that night I like him, but I can't do the smoking. He can't smoke. He apparently pitched the cigarettes and hasn't had one since. Then the other night he went to s friends going away bar hop and apparently had one. And then I kissed him yesterday. And I could tell. He's had one again. He admitted to smoking yesterday, too, sober, all on his own. Then I noticed...there's a can of snus next to his bed. I don't know much about tobacco, but he swore up and down its not chewing tobacco. He says he hates smoking, and he "doesn't want to do it" and quote "I make him not want to do it". I'm frustrated. I like him, but I can taste cigarettes up to 24 hours or so after he smokes. The cigarettes sharply contrast with everything we like to do--hike, run, mountain bike. But isn't this him blatantly saying he would rather have cigarettes than me? And trying to manipulate me to stay? Is this the beginning of a blatant disregard for my wishes? I'm trying to figure out if there's anything I can do, or if i should just leave now. 1
Toodaloo Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Its an addiction. One he is trying to crack and get a hold of. I am a smoker and its my only regret. I loathe it. But I do it for no other reason than I am addicted. I have given up and restarted hundreds of times. If its that bad and you hate it that much then dump him and go find someone else instead. Because there will be times in his life where he will probably start again and then cut out again. Its the smokers curse. The more you hassle the more he will crave so be careful... Its a few weeks so its no great loss. 3
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 First of all smoking is addictive so for someone to say they hate it and want to quit yet struggles with it is very normal. You need to have a bit more patience with him. VERY few people can go cold turkey when it comes to quitting. Second you need to stop taking this so personally. Again, this is a very real addiction and one that he's been doing since he was 16 for heaven's sake! That' s a very long time. I doubt very much he's doing this as a blatant attempt to disregard YOUR wishes. Nagging him and accusing him of being disrespectful won't help your cause. How about show some patience and understanding and if nothing else, set some boundaries for when you're together like brushing his teeth, mouthwash whatever. 6
Larryville Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 As Too stated Its an addiction. Don’t know how you met IRL or OLD but let’s get real You said I can't do the smoking. He can't smoke. I imagine you made that clear, and he did it again? If you are worth the effort he will stop, period. I am so hyper sensitive to smells and have been in so many non-smoking environments it is a non-issue now. I was around one woman briefly who said in her profile that she was a non-smoker but did those e-Cigs but as we progressed would do a cig every now and then, I smelled it and put a halt to that immediately, serious deal breaker. I’m sorry but I’m thinking don’t waste your time. 1
LoveRefreshed Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 He was probably making his point. Favorite line from sin city may be "A smoker's a smoker when his chips are down". You're going to have to accept that when things get stressful, he's going to grab a smoke. He has a single cig a day? That's not a smoker. My grandma smoked one a day. My dad smokes two packs a day. That's a smoker. You're fine to not want to tolerate it, but you're not in the right to demand a change. You can leave, or you can deal with it. You can't change him. It's hard enough without the raw physical addiction to change someone, add to it the nicotine, and it's game over. Maybe in 5 years you'll have more rights to make such demands. 3
Art_Critic Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Smoking is bad for hiss health, he will either die from Cancer or some smoking related illness. This isn't 1955 when they thought smoking was good for you, yes it is an addiction but one with deadly consequences so you need to be prepared to walk away if you can't handle being around a smoker, let them deal with their addiction.. Incidentally this addiction is like others, if a person was drinking to excess to the point it was affecting the relationship the posters here would be telling the person to dump the drunk if they can;t get a hold on their addiction. I have lost 2 of my 3 parents to cancer from cigarette smoking and one my grandparents had emphysema from smoking and was on oxygen for 15 years so I've seen the horrible side of it... I would decide if you want to be in a relationship with a smoker and if the answer is no then walk away. 4
clia Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 If it bothers you that much, you should date a nonsmoker. You can't appear in someone's life three weeks ago and immediately demand they start changing things about themself. He may desperately want to quit, but it is very difficult to quit. It has nothing to do with trying to manipulate you. Odds are he is ashamed because he can't quit. And if you keep harassing him about it, he is only going to end up resenting you (while you simultaneously resent him as he tries to sneak cigarettes behind your back.). 8
Toodaloo Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 If it bothers you that much, you should date a nonsmoker. You can't appear in someone's life three weeks ago and immediately demand they start changing things about themself. He may desperately want to quit, but it is very difficult to quit. It has nothing to do with trying to manipulate you. Odds are he is ashamed because he can't quit. And if you keep harassing him about it, he is only going to end up resenting you (while you simultaneously resent him as he tries to sneak cigarettes behind your back.). And I can tell you right now that when they nag you about it you end up smoking more than you would have done before because now you are thinking about it ALL the time and that little monster on your shoulder is just screaming feed me... If people do not mention it I can sometimes go for a couple of days with out one. Then some silly sausage says something and I end up on 20 a day feeling grim and smelling worse. Its just urgh. That said I could not date someone who smoked dope or did drugs. No worries about friends doing it but in a date? No. Again drinking. I don't like heavy drinkers... Date according to the addictions you can cope with and live with... 1
PegNosePete Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 He has a single cig a day? That's not a smoker. What is it then, a small off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden? A red-and-blue striped golfing umbrella? The Bolivian Navy on manoeuvres in the South Pacific? Of course it's a smoker. Someone who smokes is a smoker, no matter how many or how few they smoke. 2
Author PacificPlain Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 I kind of figured that about the smoking. So I haven't been saying anything. But then I kiss him and can taste it and it's just too much to not say anything in that instance. And yes. He uses gum and brushes his teeth and uses mouth wash--guess what, I can still taste it.
Toodaloo Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Then you have your answer already. Bye bye to this one and on to the next. 2
stillafool Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 If you can't stand cigarettes why on earth would you start dating a smoker? It's very hard to quit so you might as well break up now. 3
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 This is who he is, and a part of who he has been since you met him. If you want to date him, don't go in all guns blazing trying to change him. If you can't handle him smoking, end it now. It's a tough one. I don't hugely consider myself a smoker (more because it's a monthly or two monthly thing at most) but I always reach for them when life gets really tough: a bereavement, job loss, serious family argument, anything that really pushes me to the edge like that I'll buy a pack, smoke 'em and then not bother again for months. I'm a rare lucky one who can pick it up and drop it when I fancy, never seem to get addicted though I've had plenty of chance in the past. I think now I must average once every couple months or so, if that. I had an ex who despised smoking so much he didn't want to be with anyone who smoked even if we weren't around each other, so for the duration of the R I simply didn't. I also know another couple where they met, she made it clear it was a deal breaker and he quit on the spot for good (that was over a decade ago). But based on his response after you told him it bothered you and he bought a pack, I just can't see that in your scenario. I kinda don't blame the dude, sounds like he was trying to make a point. But you're just fundamentally incompatible if this matters this much to you and he has no plans to quit. 2
LoveRefreshed Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 What is it then, a small off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden? A red-and-blue striped golfing umbrella? The Bolivian Navy on manoeuvres in the South Pacific? Of course it's a smoker. Someone who smokes is a smoker, no matter how many or how few they smoke. It's someone attempting to quit. It's someone struggling to make it through the day without smoking 4. It's not a smoker. It's someone who hasn't yet given in and claimed the title. Having smoked and having quit 4 times in my life, the last relapse was 3 years without a cigarette. Then I smoked like a chimney for 6 months in Germany, came home and fought it for 3 months before finally dropping them again and being clean for 8 months. Cigs are no ****ing joke, and you telling someone they're a smoker having one a day, fighting the best is like telling the fat guy at the gym that he's a lazy ass couch potato. Your view point is trashing someone's efforts, IMO. They are not a smoker.
Author PacificPlain Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 If you can't stand cigarettes why on earth would you start dating a smoker? It's very hard to quit so you might as well break up now. When he said "I occasionally have one" on our first date it wasn't a big deal. I'm okay with someone who smokes one once in awhile--my brother does, my best friend does, and most of the guys I've dated have once in awhile. I didn't think occasionally meant EVRRY DAY, and I can tell in every subsequent kiss.
Author PacificPlain Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 The sad part is other than this, he is so good to me. He is better to me than any man I've ever dated for any period of time, even in the beginning. In three weeks he's got me flowers twice (no one has done that for me in years), remembers and gets my favorite beer at the grocery, opens doors for me, has made me dinner and calls me. I'm sitting here writing this out realizing how pathetic this sounds--maybe that's not proof of someone being extra great guy, maybe that's just way it's SUPPOSE TO BE when you value dating someone and I've just been dating crappy guys.
LoveRefreshed Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 The sad part is other than this, he is so good to me. He is better to me than any man I've ever dated for any period of time, even in the beginning. In three weeks he's got me flowers twice (no one has done that for me in years), remembers and gets my favorite beer at the grocery, opens doors for me, has made me dinner and calls me. I'm sitting here writing this out realizing how pathetic this sounds--maybe that's not proof of someone being extra great guy, maybe that's just way it's SUPPOSE TO BE when you value dating someone and I've just been dating crappy guys. Stop making the smoking about you. 7
PegNosePete Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 (edited) It's someone attempting to quit. It's someone struggling to make it through the day without smoking 4. You are not a doctor just because you're in training to become a doctor. You are not a professional football player just because you're trying to become a professional football player. And you are not a non-smoker if you're trying to quit. Even if you're trying really hard and doing really well. If you haven't done it yet, you're still a smoker. Your view point is trashing someone's efforts, IMO. They are not a smoker. Yes they are. My view is an accurate description. A spade is a spade. No matter how much effort it's putting into becoming a fork... even if it's doing really well... it's still a spade. But I don't think this is helping the OP so will bow out now. Good luck keeping up the non-smoking Edited April 21, 2016 by PegNosePete 1
LoveRefreshed Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Some of us see the world only in black and white. A quitter is someone who fights the addiction. He might not always win, but he's trying. He's a quitter.
Toodaloo Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 The sad part is other than this, he is so good to me. He is better to me than any man I've ever dated for any period of time, even in the beginning. In three weeks he's got me flowers twice (no one has done that for me in years), remembers and gets my favorite beer at the grocery, opens doors for me, has made me dinner and calls me. I'm sitting here writing this out realizing how pathetic this sounds--maybe that's not proof of someone being extra great guy, maybe that's just way it's SUPPOSE TO BE when you value dating someone and I've just been dating crappy guys. Well there are some great guys out there but if you can't accept that even the great guys are not perfect and have flaws then you need to let this one go before you become the naggy bitter girlfriend and he hates you for it. Because if you hate it this much you will. It is that simple. And you are not a non-smoker if you're trying to quit. Even if you're trying really hard and doing really well. If you haven't done it yet, you're still a smoker. Even after you quit the hankering is still there and its horribly easy to start again. If anyone knows I do, after years and years of going long periods of time not smoking to then start the wretched things again for no particular reason. Drives me insane. My mother quit for something stupid like four years then tried to start again during a really stressful period of her life. Soon kicked that into touch and made her feel guilty enough not to pinch my ciggies... this time... I take my hat off to this guy I really do. I admire him. But OP states that she can't stand it and can smell and taste it and it turns her off so its a miss match. His quitting may not be black and white but their compatibility on this one is. 1
Larryville Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I'm frustrated. I like him, but I can taste cigarettes up to 24 hours or so after he smokes. But then I kiss him and can taste it and it's just too much to not say anything in that instance. Kissing is so important in terms of true intimacy don’t minimize that As stated met this woman while doing the e-cigs was still in essence as PNP says “a smoker” Smart, attractive, highly educated, wonderful person BUT a smoker. I just can’t get past that, but I’m not about demanding she quit or change her either. She tried like hell to mask but you can't mask the smell brushing your teeth 20 times a day or drinking a bottle of mouthwash, or showing and drenching yourself in perfume or cologne. I am absolutely blunt regarding being with someone who does not smoke. Smokers can’t comprehend the level of discomfort non-smokers have and the smell is something that absolutely does not go away even if someone only smokes 1 per day. This back and forth about being a smoker or not or trying to change him is absolutely irrelevant. You stated your position, it is either a deal breaker or not. Is dude all that that you can’t find someone who does not engage in such a bad habit? Move on, don't waste time. Another example of why people should never settle and don’t compromise.
elaine567 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 He is a light smoker if what he says is true and he has <5 cigs a day, but a smoker all the same. Non-smokers can smell and taste cigarettes a mile off, so he cannot hide this from the OP. There is also the Snus, healthier than cigarettes maybe, but has health risks all the same. Smokeless tobacco is a major cause of oral cancer, pancreatic cancer, and oesophageal cancer. Snus are also linked to mouth sores, dental cavities, heart attack, stroke, and diabetes risk. And they do deliver nicotine -- an addictive drug.
Jabron1 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I'll tell you this much. A lot of women tried to manipulate me into stopping smoking. I only did it when I wanted to. And I still smoke those E-cigarettes. Take him, or leave him. Stop trying to change him. 8
SammySammy Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 The sad part is other than this, he is so good to me. He is better to me than any man I've ever dated for any period of time, even in the beginning. In three weeks he's got me flowers twice (no one has done that for me in years), remembers and gets my favorite beer at the grocery, opens doors for me, has made me dinner and calls me. I'm sitting here writing this out realizing how pathetic this sounds--maybe that's not proof of someone being extra great guy, maybe that's just way it's SUPPOSE TO BE when you value dating someone and I've just been dating crappy guys. My last relationship was probably my best relationship. Great girl in so many ways. Smoking, drinking and cleanliness is where we differed. I don't smoke or drink. No drugs. Neat freak. She ... is different. I realized that trying to get people to change against their will is not a strategy for success. Though I loved her deeply, we're no longer together. Deal breakers. One of the two women I've ever loved .... 3
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