LordRevan Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 So emotionally I have been all over the place at the moment. A month and a bit ago my girlfriend broke up with me, so I was a bit upset. After a while I decided to reach out to other girls to get into dating again. I met up with a girl that I had met once at a party months ago (we got along really well at the party, but she already a boyfriend at that point). So when organising it I simply called it a catch up as I wasn't sure myself if she was looking for a date. Anyway it all started going well, I told her I was single and she said she was too. We started moving close together and after awhile started making out. Fast forward a couple of hours and we are in her room fooling about. Anyway we said we would definitely catch up again for another date. However a day later, I notice she is a bit distant text wise. Now she is a busy girl and I don't expect her to text me a heap when we only just started dating, but it still got me a bit anxious. Then the next day she admits to me that the night after our date she had caught up with another guy (it was planned beforehand, not a spontaneous date) and that it had also gone well. She told me that she hadn't meant for either of this to occur as she didn't really expect what happened between us to happen. But she said that she still wants to see me and see how things go between us and that it's way too early for her to decide if she wants me or the other guy, or maybe neither of us. I am the kind of person who only likes to date one person at a time, but I understand that it's different for others. But this is driving me insane. I just started recovering from my last breakup and I don't want to put time and effort in another girl just for her to say 'Nah sorry I want this other guy'. I hate being in some competition with a guy I have never met and feel like I am going to be paranoid about everything I do or say to her. And when she doesn't text me much it feels like she isn't interested, but then she did say she wants to see me again and I don't want to look clingy by messaging her all the time. Should I just see how it goes? Should I not message her until she messages me?
smudge21 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 It's a tough call as in one way, you are all just in the early stages of dating and keeping the options open - neither of you have committed to anything yet, and at least she's being open and honest with you. However, I don't think you're emotionally stable yet to handle being in this situation after a recent break up. If she choses him over you then it could hurt even more because of this. You have to put yourself first and go with how you feel about it. In this world of online dating many people multi-date, shop around until they find someone they can settle with. The decision is yours if you can accept it. In the same sense, you too could date someone else as well... 2
elaine567 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 She is not just "dating" is she? She is in her room "fooling about" with you, so no doubt she is in her room "fooling about" with the other guy too, so the question is can you handle it? Doesn't really sound like you can. 3
Zapbasket Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I think the most important thing for you to do is to heal from your previous breakup. Part of that is eliminating any and all unnecessary emotional drama. Dating a multi-dater, especially when you're not a multi-dater yourself, just sounds too emotionally complicated than perhaps you can handle right now or even ever. I'd just be afraid that an already difficult situation to handle will be much more difficult when your self-esteem has taken a bit of a beating from a breakup. Why not spend some time on your own for a while, and hold off on dating? 1
PegNosePete Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 but she already a boyfriend at that point Where does her boyfriend fit into the picture? She is still seeing him, while "fooling around" with you and another guy? I think she has shown you exactly what kind of girl she is. Now what you do with that information is up to you. 2
morrowrd Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Sometimes you have to put in a little more effort into getting the girl. More than just a date, flowers, nice words, and some sex. Girls who are quality, are never going to have a difficult time gaining male attention, and whether you like it or not, either you're going to "play the game" or your going to walk away. I think this girl is pretty decent for being honest with you about her intentions. How many others don't do that but string you along, making you think you're the only one but then all of a sudden, go cold on you because they've chosen someone else. Then you're left hanging, wondering what happened. Here's my advice, based on what I would do if I were you and I liked this girl. Play to win....yep get rid of clinginess, fast. Let the girl lead, and go at her pace. When you hang out or go out, be yourself, make her smile, laugh and have the focus be on having fun. Talk to her, listen to her, ask her questions and listen to her feedback. Get to know her, you will find those activities to be a valuable investment in not only trying to get her for yourself, but a good way to practice should this relationship not be in the cards. I hope you win. Good luck
scorpiogirl Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 If you don't want to compete for her, then don't. I wouldn't compete for a man. At least she told you so you can make an informed decision. I think it's demeaning for you to have to jump through hoops for her. Some people will want to play these games but you don't have to. Find someone whose dating wants and needs match yours. 6
LoveRefreshed Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Dude, I wouldn't accept it just because you're lonely. Later in 3 months if she chose you, and the rose lenses are off, you'll just resent the beginning and not respect her anyway. I would tell her tough cookie. He won't disappear in 3 weeks if you decide I'm not doing it for you. My favorite thing here is to mention that you wouldn't mind being a fwb though, but there's no going back to anything serious.
TXGuy Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Not all women are girlfriend material. To me, this woman wouldn't be. She is going to continue to date this other guy (and most probably others). You can let her go, work on yourself, and perhaps keep an eye out for someone more suitable. Or you can continue dating her, knowing that she is not a keeper. Sometimes having some fun with someone you know is a rebound chick can help you get over a breakup. The key would be to not take her or the relationship seriously. If you can do this, go ahead and enjoy yourself for a few weeks or a couple of months. If you can't, then bow out. 2
truth_seeker Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 She's hook up material only. The fact she hooked up with you that quickly and told you she is also seeing someone else, means she likes to get around. That's not the type girl you can trust. 4
truth_seeker Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Sometimes having some fun with someone you know is a rebound chick can help you get over a breakup. The key would be to not take her or the relationship seriously. If you can do this, go ahead and enjoy yourself for a few weeks or a couple of months. If you can't, then bow out. Good advice. She's a rebound girl at best. Treat her as such or wait till you find someone who is girlfriend material. 2
truth_seeker Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Sometimes you have to put in a little more effort into getting the girl. More than just a date, flowers, nice words, and some sex. Girls who are quality, are never going to have a difficult time gaining male attention, and whether you like it or not, either you're going to "play the game" or your going to walk away. I think this girl is pretty decent for being honest with you about her intentions. How many others don't do that but string you along, making you think you're the only one but then all of a sudden, go cold on you because they've chosen someone else. Then you're left hanging, wondering what happened. Here's my advice, based on what I would do if I were you and I liked this girl. Play to win....yep get rid of clinginess, fast. Let the girl lead, and go at her pace. When you hang out or go out, be yourself, make her smile, laugh and have the focus be on having fun. Talk to her, listen to her, ask her questions and listen to her feedback. Get to know her, you will find those activities to be a valuable investment in not only trying to get her for yourself, but a good way to practice should this relationship not be in the cards. I hope you win. Good luck I agree and disagree with you. Playing the game for a girl who play games is a no-win situation. How can you ever trust this girl? Women who like to get with multiple guys are not ones to ever be satisfied... maybe temporarily but eventually they stray... Yea she was upfront about her intentions but you have to pay attention to a woman's words and her actions. What she is telling him - it's all coded so you have to read it well - "I like you to be an option, an occasional hook up... but I'm seeing this other guy I really like, too and he's my number one choice... so, he could end up being my boyfriend but until then we can still hook up if you want... I just wanted to be upfront and tell you." Some women are so easy to read it's insulting when they give their BS lines...
insert_name Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I've had this myself and it confuses the heck out of me. The girl in question even took me out to dinner on her dime, while we drank cocktails before the meal (again on her dime) she told me she was dating someone else but didn't see him much due to work commitments. I backed off and then 5 minutes later she jumps on me and sticks her tongue down my throat... Why do women do this? I wonder if they are as up front with the other guys in the picture, probably not. I can't imagine it is in her interests to tell their number one target that they are seeing other guys and weighing up their options. My interpretation is that if a girl tells you this she is letting you know that you have competition andnthat you are currently the back up guy. So yeah, on the one hand you could admire the honesty (and in many ways she IS doing you a favour, but not in the way that she thinks!) but really IMO it sends out the wrong message to tell someone that you are seriously interested in or could potentially care about that they are an option. It is game playing masquerading under the guise of being respectful when it isn't really respectful to the guy at all. Can you see a future with someone like that? Because you shouldn't. 3
truth_seeker Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I've had this myself and it confuses the heck out of me. The girl in question even took me out to dinner on her dime, while we drank cocktails before the meal (again on her dime) she told me she was dating someone else but didn't see him much due to work commitments. I backed off and then 5 minutes later she jumps on me and sticks her tongue down my throat... Why do women do this? I wonder if they are as up front with the other guys in the picture, probably not. I can't imagine it is in her interests to tell their number one target that they are seeing other guys and weighing up their options. My interpretation is that if a girl tells you this she is letting you know that you have competition andnthat you are currently the back up guy. So yeah, on the one hand you could admire the honesty (and in many ways she IS doing you a favour, but not in the way that she thinks!) but really IMO it sends out the wrong message to tell someone that you are seriously interested in or could potentially care about that they are an option. It is game playing masquerading under the guise of being respectful when it isn't really respectful to the guy at all. Can you see a future with someone like that? Because you shouldn't. These women you back off from and then immediately chase after you are head cases. The more I don't care, the more attention I get. The minute I put effort in, the woman disappears or loses interest. I hooked up with this woman recently and the whole time it was a game. After we did it, she tells me to get out. I was like, okay. I grabbed my things, and am walking out the door and I hear, "wait! Give me a kiss before you leave!!!" I stop, turn around and she's all smiles. Games. When she felt she was in control, she pushed me away... anytime I didn't care, she went into panic mode. Women who behave this way are usually single, or bounce from relationship to relationship. It's a constant migraine dealing with them. 1
smackie9 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 You don't like the idea of competing with another guy or guys, it upsets you she is flip flopping, you don't want to waste your time investing in someone who can't decide who to be with.....it's a no brainer that this is a deal breaker and you should bow out/move on. 1
lilmissjava Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Oh she is loving the attention that having to choose between two guys is giving her. She is so high up in the clouds right now, someone needs to bring her back to earth. It should be you. Drop her. Anyway, I don't think you should be dating. I think you should be hitting up the gym and just have fun being a guy for now. You just got out of a relationship a little over a month ago. You sound young so why rush into things. Get back to knowing who you are without being in a relationship.
morrowrd Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I agree and disagree with you. Playing the game for a girl who play games is a no-win situation. How can you ever trust this girl? Women who like to get with multiple guys are not ones to ever be satisfied... maybe temporarily but eventually they stray... Yea she was upfront about her intentions but you have to pay attention to a woman's words and her actions. What she is telling him - it's all coded so you have to read it well - "I like you to be an option, an occasional hook up... but I'm seeing this other guy I really like, too and he's my number one choice... so, he could end up being my boyfriend but until then we can still hook up if you want... I just wanted to be upfront and tell you." Some women are so easy to read it's insulting when they give their BS lines... I agree with not playing with a player. Player's sometimes are easy to spot, sometimes not, so it doesn't hurt anyone to follow this system.
smackie9 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 She is not a horrible/deceitful person for dating more than one guy. She finds herself in a situation where she just may not know what she wants. She is not holding a gun to the OP's head, he can walk any time he wants....not an issue.
truth_seeker Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 She is not a horrible/deceitful person for dating more than one guy. She finds herself in a situation where she just may not know what she wants. She is not holding a gun to the OP's head, he can walk any time he wants....not an issue. She's messing with his head - not cool.
FastHands Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 IMHO it's one thing to suspect she is dating someone else, but to find out she is And your seconds is kinda a turn off to me...just saying. 1
Author LordRevan Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 Thanks for the responses everyone. I think I will go on the second date we have planned and see what happens. I don't think she is trying to play mind games with me, but it does come off that way. At the moment I am not messaging her so as to avoid looking clingy and also so I don't get too attached myself. I've read a few things saying that in the initial dating period it can be a good idea to not overtext. Damn why is dating so hard these days? Was it this hard a hundred years ago?
smudge21 Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Sorry I missed out on the "fooling around" bit and thought it was just early dating (drinks, meals, movies, scuba diving.. that kinda' thing). Not exactly knowing what is meant by fooling around here, but guessing it's everything upto full sex, then it's safe to assume she's doing the same with the other guy and that, as the majority have stated, is well beyond just dating. I guess the other way to look at it, how would she feel if you were also getting intimate with other girls and keeping her as an option. Maybe you should take the bull by the horns and tell her what YOU want, rather than accepting what she wants. Currently you could say she's got two friends with benefits on the go - are you okay with that?
PegNosePete Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I've read a few things saying that in the initial dating period it can be a good idea to not overtext. Damn why is dating so hard these days? Just relax. Do what you want. Be yourself. Don't place too much emphasis on rubbish you read online. It's only hard if you make it hard and over-think it. Was it this hard a hundred years ago? Absolutely, you had to ask her father for permission to date her first. And even then there'd probably be a chaperone there the whole time. A chaperone with a shotgun.
Maxtor Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 Sometimes you have to put in a little more effort into getting the girl. More than just a date, flowers, nice words, and some sex. Girls who are quality, are never going to have a difficult time gaining male attention, and whether you like it or not, either you're going to "play the game" or your going to walk away. I think this girl is pretty decent for being honest with you about her intentions. How many others don't do that but string you along, making you think you're the only one but then all of a sudden, go cold on you because they've chosen someone else. Then you're left hanging, wondering what happened. Here's my advice, based on what I would do if I were you and I liked this girl. Play to win....yep get rid of clinginess, fast. Let the girl lead, and go at her pace. When you hang out or go out, be yourself, make her smile, laugh and have the focus be on having fun. Talk to her, listen to her, ask her questions and listen to her feedback. Get to know her, you will find those activities to be a valuable investment in not only trying to get her for yourself, but a good way to practice should this relationship not be in the cards. I hope you win. Good luck Win what? She isnt a prize. She isnt even worth it based on what he is telling us. Brah, I may be old school, and i dont live Murica, when I date someone, I date exclusively, I dont want to put my stuff into some punani that has been receiving multi stuff, from who knows where. 2
truth_seeker Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 IMHO it's one thing to suspect she is dating someone else, but to find out she is And your seconds is kinda a turn off to me...just saying. It's gross. Even if she's super hot, it kills her appeal.
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