upsetnhurt Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 Really need people's advice here. The Ex-boyfriend who had previously dated my recent ex girlfriend would not stop stalking us throughout our one year relationship. They had dated for four years. Outside of some screaming and showing up and sitting outside her house, the majority of his abuse was directed to myself. He found out where I lived and had the audacity to glue my door locks shut twice, pour paint thinner all over my car and show up and bang on the doors of my home at the wee hours of the morning. This all occured while she was at home with me. I did get the police involved but never pursued it as I always got the sense that she would not be able to handle taking that step against him. Her comments to me were that she takes blame for the person he has become as he was a model citizen prior to their breakup. I certainly did not know this guy prior to my relationship with her yet I do not see how someone "normal" can go to these lengths to win someone back. Is it possible that this guy is really a "nice guy" who just went a bit overboard or are these characteristics of him that would have eventually come out one way or another? To my dismay, my girlfriend and I eventually broke up as she determined that she was "emotionally unavailable" to me at the moment. It will not surprise me at the least if she is now back with the ex. I just can't understand how someone would go back to a person who has handled himself in that manner. I thought when people break up as she dumped him, his additional pressure would simply push her farther away, not closer to him. What happened to the saying that NC is the best for the situation? Is she worth waiting for?
d'Arthez Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 Concerning stalker-bf's behavior, you could bring him to court / get something arranged for him, based on the economic damage he has inflicted on you, I think. This would not involve your ex-gf, as she has nothing to do with the paint-thinner and your car. But probably it is very hard to prove without dragging her into it. As to the past of the stalker, it is really not relevant. There is no justification for his behavior. Perhaps an explanation, but that is just about it. Does it matter to you, what is exactly the cause of his behavior? No, as you don't have the power to change his behavior. He does not see, that his behavior has a negative impact on your ex-gf. If they are a couple again, that would get only worse. I would also wonder, if you would have to be the first volunteer to help her cope with the damage her stalking ex-bf inflicted upon her, and the damage she inflicted on herself. Sometimes people see idiotic behavior as proof of love. The same holds true of other negative behaviors, such as behaving as a control-freak. And sometimes people are inspired by their "project-bf/gf", and spend their energy on them, in order to heal them to normalcy / happiness. But we all know how these things usually end. She said that she is emotionally unavailable. That is possible. If she is ready with a relationship, it should be with you. If she used it as an excuse to break up with you, in order to go back to her stalker-bf, you'd be wise to move on. The same holds true for any other guy. I can't advice you on NC / Low Contact.
XNemesisX Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 My ex used to act that way toward me. He would scream outside my window, pound on the doors, you get the picture. This would be right after I would break up with him. It did make me think he loved me more to act that crazy and idiotic. I don't think NC wins me back. A little craziness is quite flattering so long as it isn't downright psychotic. I think you really do need to take this guy to court though for your financial losses, as d'arthez was saying. You shouldn't put up with that.
kittenhead Posted July 10, 2005 Posted July 10, 2005 ahh--i understand your sentiment more, upsetnhurt. i think i lashed out at you in my post--i didn't know why you would say some of the things you did. but--well-- this happenned to me and my bf a little. he came knocking on the door. ugh--it was horrible. it was the beginning of the end and we were just one month in.
Zaira Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 I find it strange how the stalker always seems to win out in the end
J dub Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 Originally posted by ~Zaira~ I find it strange how the stalker always seems to win out in the end Who says its the end??
Kat Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 Originally posted by upsetnhurt I just can't understand how someone would go back to a person who has handled himself in that manner. Sadly you can't make someone leave someone who is unhealthy for them. They have to want to leave. If she is this confused I think it is best that you leave her be
Zaira Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 Originally posted by J dub Who says its the end?? No one Just in many of these situations it does happen.
Author upsetnhurt Posted July 11, 2005 Author Posted July 11, 2005 Kat, I am making every attempt to do so yet it is quite hard as my feelings were real strong for her. Ironically, the ex has now left me alone and I can only presume that it is because she has gone back to him or at the very least informed him that we are not together anymore. I am so surprised at her confusion though......for some odd reason she believes his actions represent someone who is desperate yet not of someone who has a screw loose. I guess she will have to learn the hard way when his violence is directed towards her at one point in time....I hope not yet have no control over her or him for that matter.
Kat Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 Originally posted by upsetnhurt I guess she will have to learn the hard way when his violence is directed towards her at one point in time....I hope not yet have no control over her or him for that matter. Sad but true. Some people are so stubborn that they refuse to heed peoples warnings and just HAVE to experience the negativity themselves. Sadly for some that isn't enough and are pulled in by the lies and abuse. All you can do is know that you did your best and the rest is out of your hands.
Author upsetnhurt Posted July 11, 2005 Author Posted July 11, 2005 So sorry to be harping on this guys. Been waking up the last few days to one thought....and that would be her. It makes me quite sad. One thing is still on my mind. Is it possible that this guy is really a "nice guy" who just went a bit overboard or are these characteristics of him that would have eventually come out one way or another?
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