The Stoic Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I'm new here. And saw this as a website to talk out personal problems and seek other perspectives or even just vent I suppose. Me and my partner have been together 3 months now. We have solid chemistry and love. I'm 26 and she's 23. I know this type of question is always asked when dating (usually women always ask it) really because they are more about the future than guys typically. I've been asked this question a lot in the past. It never hit me as hard as it did yesterday. Maybe because this is the first relationship I've put a ton of effort in--because I am sure of how I feel about us. She asked me about what is my plans financial wise for the future. Like if we ever planned on getting married and having a family. She said a co-worker instilled this into her while asking about me. But I actually get where she's coming from. I live off disability for now (yeah, go ahead and shame me) and I hate it sometimes because there is such a stigma behind it. With disability I don't even make 10K a year. I'm seriously contemplating on just finding a stable great job. But she tells me that I should go back to school for another term. I already graduated in Arts (I kinda regret). I have been thinking recently on going back to school for a different major. She said if she had the opportunity to go to school and "live under her parents" she would take it in a heartbeat. I really hate being labeled spoiled. And I think she was calling me that unintentionally. There's a long history linked into the current position I am in. My passion is writing. Though I love drawing I think I love writing more. I started years ago, but living and life situations have knocked my creativity out of orbit. I think many creative people go through this; you cannot focus on your art because life is stressing you so much, only thing you can think about is making yourself happy. She insures that she isn't trying to pressure me or anything. But now that she brought it up in such a fashion, it's always gonna be "there". I was single 4 years before dating her. Part of the reason why I stayed single is because you have more responsibility to yourself, than others. I still haven't got my life figure out yet. She doesn't either. But I am a guy. A guy has to have that plan and purpose in life. I'm glad I found a person I really enjoy being with, but in the midst of the discussion a thought zipped through my head: "I wish I was single again now". But that's not fair. I think about my career and future damn near every day. One thing I hate to do is let people down. Even though I am a person who generally disregard what others judge of me, internally I don't want to let those deserving of my effort down. I have many people telling me to just milk the money and focus on a trade. But man it is tough. I stay roommates: my sister and her BF. Thing is, she can never hold a job! It is always something with her. And somehow I'm left to also pick up the slack along with our mom. For the past 5 yrs I have never stayed at a place for more than a year. I'm tired of moving every year. I need consistency. I rarely have it. I'll be 30 in a couple yrs. What if she leaves if something doesn't work out? I'm not going to lie, I'm not even going to consider marriage until I am established. I don't want no one to feel like they are on a sinking ship. It seems like many people are depending on me because I'm so: smart, creative, wise, and respectful. I think I have been living for other people and not myself in the last 2 decades. She feels very great about me. She said, "Yeah you can also be on disability all your life, too. It is okay with me I am only just bringing this up." But who would stay with a guy who barely makes 10K a year? For his life? Me personally I won't let it come to that. She only brought it up because she said that she isn't thinking of me being temporary. She's in this for long term. If my creativity doesn't get me anywhere, I'm just going to gravitate back down to earth and start working somewhere. I just don't know what to do with life now. All I have been doing is enduring hardship and unpredictability. All I can keep doing is putting myself out there and not letting my talents waste. Sorry for being so lengthy. I didn't even ask a question. Maybe this was just a rant?
MidwestUSA Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Why are you receiving disability if you are capable of working (you speak as if you are)? 3
Zippy2000 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Me and my partner have been together 3 months now. We have solid chemistry and love. I'm 26 and she's 23. Its ONLY been 3 months. How do you know you have solid chemistry and love? Give it 12 months and you can then ask the question. Three months!!! 4
Lois_Griffin Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Why are you receiving disability if you are capable of working (you speak as if you are)? That would be my first question too. I know of so many people on Disability that are just milking the system for everything it's worth. A past friend of my husband's had open heart surgery years ago and was on life long Disability. He was always out boating, working on his car and doing everything anyone else did - except working, of course. And I HIGHLY doubt a day spent dragging his sailboat to the lake, launching it, fishing and doing whatever one does to get the boat back OUT of the lake and back home is less strenuous than taking calls at a call center or driving a cab or being a greeter at Walmart, etc. He's just one of many who certainly could have found a way to support himself but preferred to let fools like myself work to support him. I have little patience for that crap and zero respect for it. If you're 'contemplating' getting an actual job, then I'll assume your disability clearly isn't so profound that you can't work. You could also be spending this time getting an education in a field where your disability doesn't encumber you from being able to perform your job. She's only 23. She doesn't yet fully understand that a life with you would be a complete hardship for her because she'd always have to work and support you and if she had children, she would never have the option of staying at home with them. After a while, she'd grow to resent you. A lot. And she'd lose all respect for you - especially if you're capable of working and choose not to - which is what it sounds like. Trust me, she's just too young right now to realize. I'm not sure who's 'depending on you' because you're smart and creative. What does that even mean and how does that prevent you from making your way in the world? Sorry, but it just sounds like more excuses to do nothing when you know you should be doing something. 3
Toodaloo Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I know of so many people on Disability that are just milking the system for everything it's worth. A past friend of my husband's had open heart surgery years ago and was on life long Disability. He was always out boating, working on his car and doing everything anyone else did - except working, of course. And I HIGHLY doubt a day spent dragging his sailboat to the lake, launching it, fishing and doing whatever one does to get the boat back OUT of the lake and back home is less strenuous than taking calls at a call center or driving a cab or being a greeter at Walmart, etc. He's just one of many who certainly could have found a way to support himself but preferred to let fools like myself work to support him. I have little patience for that crap and zero respect for it. If you're 'contemplating' getting an actual job, then I'll assume your disability clearly isn't so profound that you can't work. You could also be spending this time getting an education in a field where your disability doesn't encumber you from being able to perform your job. Sorry, but it just sounds like more excuses to do nothing when you know you should be doing something. In my view there is NOTHING wrong with being on disability if you have a disability that prevents you from working. Your words suggest that you don't and that you are just being bone idle. I have a "disability" that I could claim for and I don't because I am perfectly capable of standing on my own two feet and working. I do not want to steal from those who are not able to work and who genuinely need that help to live. Because if you are able to work and support yourself you should. I work with guys who bust a gut every day who have disabilities. They just do not want to have others pay for them because, like me, they have dignity and self respect. Get off your backside. Not for your girlfriend but for your own self esteem and self respect. Learn how to adapt and get yourself some goals. Be the inspiration that others give to you. For what its worth. I would not be dating you. Your attitude would grate on my nerves within seconds. But that is my personal view point.
Versacehottie Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 You sound like a smart, well-spoken guy. If you are capable of working in some capacity but have chosen not do due to your ability to get disability, that would be a dealbreaker for me. Both the milking of the system and chosing to live on a paltry amount of money when you could make a better life for yourself by your own volition is not in line with my own personal values and I suspect a majority of women. Even some that may initially say or believe they are fine with it, may grow resentful due to the fact that they get up and go to work every day while you didn't or if they were compromising hopes and dreams, maybe even bare minimum stability because of being coupled with you, financially and otherwise. You computer usage is excellent--that's one place you could start I would have much more respect for someone who did something part time or within his capability or approached life in a disciplined manner, ie if you want to be a writer or do something creative that has yet to turn a profit, I would want to see you devoting hours and a somewhat set routine to it every day, if I was going to even begin to put my faith in you. I realize that there may be serious health issues in the way. That would be the only way I could see it working with her. And even then, when serious health issues are the reason, pretty much everything is "on hold", isn't it? Sending you best of luck, and well wishes. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I'm going to assume that you are on disability because you are entitled to it. That said, do you have any kind of plan? Do you know what, if anything, happens to your benefits if you marry & have kids? Sometimes benefits go up, but sometimes they go down. If you envision that you will eventually be rehabilitated and come off disability, then you can share that expectation with her. For now, only 3 months in I'd praise her optimism in asking about the future (meaning you are happy she is thinking about a future with you) but tell her that you have to focus on your disability & rehab before making any decisions. Clearly your disability will play a roll in your financial future. You may be able to gently probe how she sees your disability. If she's looking for a meal ticket so she can be a SAHM you probably aren't her long-term guy, sorry. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do. Meanwhile, keep writing. See if that gets you anywhere
smackie9 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 You always say "you could" but you don't. Go seek out a career counselor. They will take a look at your situation, listen to what your goals are, and will give you advice on where you should go from there.....REALISTIC advice. 2
Author The Stoic Posted April 23, 2016 Author Posted April 23, 2016 I have Autism. They count it as a disability. When you tell people in the workforce that you have this, they already have this pre-judgment of you. Like you are already incompetent. And for nearly 2 decades I've been fed into my head on what I can and cannot do. And I ended up believing it. But as I gotten older I am really sure I can get into that work force. I've done it before and proved many wrong. I don't like disability but it has given me opportunity to finish school and help out my family in other ways. I've been volunteering a bunch too. Like for a lot of things around the community. I think volunteering helped me out a lot. I do agree on seeing a career counselor maybe I can get some positive perspectives. For 3 months we've been together. I'm sure it's real. I'm not one to go into things that aren't. I don't know everything about her yet and she doesn't for me either, but we both know it's pretty real. We have utmost respect for each other. One thing she said (the same thing my mom said) is that she doesn't want me to be "stuck". Like working forever I suppose. I can say thanks for the replies. I did not get to read them right away because I was busy.
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