My breakup. [updated]

[tgolf96]

Heres my story.

 

I had never been in a relationship before and I didn't really know what to expect feelings wise. I met this beautiful girl the first day of university and we became inseparable. Even though we were having sex and spending a lot of time together I wasn't falling in love with her.

 

In early October we became official, at this point I was developing feelings but I was yet to feel anything close to what was to come. Unfortunately, my father passed away in early November this wasn't easy. She was the only thing keeping me going. She put a smile on my face when I couldn't stop crying. She became my best friend. In mid November me and my friends went to visit a couple of friends at another university. Long Story short, I kissed a random girl when I was black out drunk and I couldn't believe what I had done. My friends have all cheated in relationships and told me that it's normal, I couldn't describe the guilt I felt. All I could think about is how I betrayed my best friend. (She had been cheated on in the past and had trust issues with guys. She said I was the first person she felt safe with again).

 

In January, We had fallen deeper in love becoming closer by the day. After the guilt had eaten me alive I felt that I had to tell her what I had done. I knew I was never going to do it again and I knew what I did should have never happened. I told her and she said that she needed space away from me. At this point I wasn't in the best emotional place due to the loss of my father and losing her almost killed me.

 

After I told her, she said she was going to give me another chance but she didn't know when. I was left in this limbo state which nearly drove me insane. After around 2 weeks she said that she couldn't trust me and that we were not getting back together. I flew back home and withdrew from university for the semester. I knew I did the right thing telling her, but I was put into a state of complete depression. I couldn't eat, sleep without thinking about her. We spoke a couple of times when I was at home but she kept telling me how she didn't miss me and how happy she was making everything much harder. I couldn't believe that my best friend was trying to cause me harm.

 

I came back to school around 1 month later with the goal of getting her back. When I met up with her again, she wasn't the girl I used to know. The way she looked at me was different and the way she spoke to me was in a different tone. I wanted to get her back so badly and I've never tried so hard to accomplish a goal. I tried my best to give her space by speaking to her occasionally and not annoying her.

 

Another month later, in March. I was on around 3 weeks NC and someone told me that she slept with someone while I was at home. I became a mess, I didn't know what to do with myself. We met up and spoke about it and she acted like it wasn't a big deal. She was confused how I wasn't over it yet and I was confused how she was over it so fast. Whenever I think about her having sex with that guy It makes me feel sick to my stomach. Some girl pointed him out to me once and I nearly threw up. Knowing the girl I love kissed him the way she used to kiss me made me sick.

 

When I see her around campus, it's like I don't know her. I sort of recognize her face but I don't at the same time. This person that used to make me happy, now causes me anxiety and makes me afraid. I don't know if this is normal? I hate seeing her because the person she is now isn't the person I fell in love with. It's like this person has replaced my best friend and I don't know where she is... I know everything about her but I don't feel I have the right to speak to her anymore.

 

I just don't understand how she is so ok with never seeing me again. I feel like she betrayed me by sleeping with this person even though we we're broken up. (I think that's how she deals with breakups).

 

I wanted to post on here because after months of research I couldn't find anything to match my story. It upsets me so much knowing that the girl I love is making someone else happy. She is the best person I know and all I want for her is happiness she really deserves it. I was the best boyfriend I could have been and she still says I was a great boyfriend she just couldn't trust me. I have chosen to move universities so that I can have a "new beginning" to my life after the summer.

 

All I do is think about her and replay the moment I told her in my head as if I can change it. I've become very confused about my purpose in life. It's as if there is a wall in my life which separates the life I had before and the life I have now. It was such a life changing moment and It feels like It didn't mean anything to her even though I know it did. I would love for someone to give me some advice on how to stop thinking about her.

 

Is it normal that I cannot remember sex with her? I cannot remember waking up next to her? I have images in my head of things we did together but it's as if the person in my head and the person that's in front of me aren't the same person. It's that feeling of knowing that the girl that I was in love with is gone which makes me so upset.

 

Since we broke up I haven't been able to look at girls. I'm 20 years old I shouldn't have issues with libido? I can't think about sex without thinking about her. I forced myself to try to hookup with a girl and I had to ask her to leave because she wasn't my ex.

 

I want to meet up with her before the end of the school year to hang out and leave on a good note. But like i've said I don't want to meet up with this new person I want the old person. I don't understand why I cry over this new person because frankly, I hate them. I don't understand why I speak to this new person because it's not the same person to me... it's driving me insane.

 

I really do apologize for the length of this post and I really appreciate any comments/advice you may have from previous experiences with breakups. Although all I want in the world is my best friend back. I understand it's never going to happen and I'm getting used to the idea. I just wish I could go back in time.

[LD1990]

Everything you're feeling is normal for a breakup. You don't have issues with libido, you're just hung up on this girl.

 

She's not a different person, she's just over you. You can't get the "old her" back because she doesn't feel that way anymore. She didn't betray you by having sex with another guy after you two had broken up, and it's a bit hypocritical to talk about betrayal when you're the one who cheated here.

 

What you need to do is put her out of sight, out of mind as much as possible. Do anything possible to stay away from her. Don't talk to other people about her at all. No more meet ups to talk about your feelings or make sure everything ends on a good note. It doesn't matter, she doesn't care, you shouldn't either.

 

Look, you're in college, you're 20, don't waste time crying over an ex. Go out there, have some fun, and definitely stop kicking girls out of your bed.

[tgolf96]

Everything you're feeling is normal for a breakup. You don't have issues with libido, you're just hung up on this girl.

 

She's not a different person, she's just over you. You can't get the "old her" back because she doesn't feel that way anymore. She didn't betray you by having sex with another guy after you two had broken up, and it's a bit hypocritical to talk about betrayal when you're the one who cheated here.

 

What you need to do is put her out of sight, out of mind as much as possible. Do anything possible to stay away from her. Don't talk to other people about her at all. No more meet ups to talk about your feelings or make sure everything ends on a good note. It doesn't matter, she doesn't care, you shouldn't either.

 

Look, you're in college, you're 20, don't waste time crying over an ex. Go out there, have some fun, and definitely stop kicking girls out of your bed.

 

Should I arrange to say goodbye to her before I leave for good? Shall I wait to see if she wants to meet? Or shall I just not think about that and just NC all the way until I no longer have to worry about seeing her?

[LD1990]

Should I arrange to say goodbye to her before I leave for good? Shall I wait to see if she wants to meet? Or shall I just not think about that and just NC all the way until I no longer have to worry about seeing her?

 

The latter. There's no point in trying to have some special goodbye with an ex. The most likely scenario is she doesn't really care about saying goodbye because she has moved on with her life, so you just end up disappointed again. The very unlikely but still possible scenario is that she feels sad about you leaving, you both have a sad goodbye with some crying involved for one or both of you. Notice how neither scenario ends with you happy?

[tgolf96]

The latter. There's no point in trying to have some special goodbye with an ex. The most likely scenario is she doesn't really care about saying goodbye because she has moved on with her life, so you just end up disappointed again. The very unlikely but still possible scenario is that she feels sad about you leaving, you both have a sad goodbye with some crying involved for one or both of you. Notice how neither scenario ends with you happy?

 

I agree. Last time we did a goodbye we ending up crying together. The only reason I want to say goodbye is because everything had become so immature. I think that if she contacts me I'll say goodbye. But, If not I think she's made her point that she doesn't want to see me and I completely respect her for that. I don't want to pour my heart out saying goodbye. I just want to say thank you for the good time and wish her the best with everything she does.

[ExpatInItaly]

Everything you're feeling is normal for a breakup. You don't have issues with libido, you're just hung up on this girl.

 

She's not a different person, she's just over you. You can't get the "old her" back because she doesn't feel that way anymore. She didn't betray you by having sex with another guy after you two had broken up, and it's a bit hypocritical to talk about betrayal when you're the one who cheated here.

What you need to do is put her out of sight, out of mind as much as possible. Do anything possible to stay away from her. Don't talk to other people about her at all. No more meet ups to talk about your feelings or make sure everything ends on a good note. It doesn't matter, she doesn't care, you shouldn't either.

 

Look, you're in college, you're 20, don't waste time crying over an ex. Go out there, have some fun, and definitely stop kicking girls out of your bed.

 

This.

 

Let me say first OP, I am very sorry for the loss of your father. I hope you have a good support network to help you deal with the grief.

 

Regarding your break-up, you are the one who betrayed her trust to begin with. That sick feeling you have? Imagine how she felt when you told her you'd kissed someone else. Believe me when I say that when a partner cheats, it changes the way you see them. This is what happened with her - you say don't recognize her anymore...and I guarantee she felt the same about you after your confession. It's important that you understand the gravity of your own role in this. You demonstrated that you aren't trustworthy and thus not a great candidate for a boyfriend for her. Sorry, but it's the blunt truth.

 

The sadness and anxiety you're experiencing are otherwise quite normal after a break-up. It will pass, in time. Don't bother meeting up with her to say goodbye. It will very likely only open up those wounds again.

[tgolf96]

This.

 

Let me say first OP, I am very sorry for the loss of your father. I hope you have a good support network to help you deal with the grief.

 

Regarding your break-up, you are the one who betrayed her trust to begin with. That sick feeling you have? Imagine how she felt when you told her you'd kissed someone else. Believe me when I say that when a partner cheats, it changes the way you see them. This is what happened with her - you say don't recognize her anymore...and I guarantee she felt the same about you after your confession. It's important that you understand the gravity of your own role in this. You demonstrated that you aren't trustworthy and thus not a great candidate for a boyfriend for her. Sorry, but it's the blunt truth.

 

The sadness and anxiety you're experiencing are otherwise quite normal after a break-up. It will pass, in time. Don't bother meeting up with her to say goodbye. It will very likely only open up those wounds again.

 

Thanks very much for your comment. Believe it or not I really like blunt comments. I rather that then people say that I did the right thing telling her. I really wanted her to tell me how she felt when I told her and I asked her why she didn't want to give me a second chance. She would say the same thing "I just don't trust you" and "I just don't want to give you a second chance". She has told me that she doesn't feel comfortable around me and that I make her feel bad about herself. I really wish I could go back in time. She didn't deserve any pain from our breakup. Even though she disguises it really well saying how she doesn't miss me. I feel that she's trying a little too hard to show me how ok she is. Like I said I'm transferring universities and even though I would love to really work on our relationship I understand it'll never happen.

 

When I was at home grieving was the time she slept with this random guy. When I asked her about it she told me instantly that she didn't regret it without me asking. She also didn't cry about our breakup until the week after she slept with the guy. Writing this all down has allowed me to connect that everything that she's doing is so that she doesn't feel that I can hurt her anymore. Maybe she doesn't want to meet up with me and talk about it because it's painful for her too and she just wants to forget about it. I wish I could keep saying sorry to her, I feel that it's best if I let her grieve in her own way. This should allow me to move on too.

 

I just want to know what you thought about me not being able to remember the relationship? Do you think that because I was so heartbroken I repressed memories of her to "Protect" myself? When I try picture her face it seems impossible. I don't really understand.

[LD1990]

The thing about theories regarding an ex is that you can come up with them all day and still end up no better off than you were when you started. You may be right that she had sex with another guy because she was sad about the breakup. Or, she may have just wanted to have sex. People like sex.

 

I don't think you're repressing memories of the relationship. You're upset, it takes time but it'll pass. These feelings are just your mind playing tricks on you. If you really couldn't picture her face then seeing her at school wouldn't be a problem, because you'd hardly recognize her. Trust me, all that you're experiencing is normal, and it'll get better.

[tgolf96]

The thing about theories regarding an ex is that you can come up with them all day and still end up no better off than you were when you started. You may be right that she had sex with another guy because she was sad about the breakup. Or, she may have just wanted to have sex. People like sex.

 

I don't think you're repressing memories of the relationship. You're upset, it takes time but it'll pass. These feelings are just your mind playing tricks on you. If you really couldn't picture her face then seeing her at school wouldn't be a problem, because you'd hardly recognize her. Trust me, all that you're experiencing is normal, and it'll get better.

 

Ld1990 - Thanks very much for taking the time out of your day to try and make me feel better about my situation. It feels amazing to have somewhere to vent my feelings. I really appreciate it. I hope that she finds someone that makes her as happy as I did prior to telling her of my mistake. I really think that I'm going to use this as a learning experience and I'm 100% sure i'll never cheat again. This last 6 month have been a living hell dealing with everything but I honestly think that i'll be much stronger and wiser.

 

I have to take the positives from this experience and learn how to deal with my next breakup, i'm pretty sure I'll handle it better. All I can do is keep being strong, keep my NC and wait for summer to arrive.

[tgolf96]

So as we go to the same university and kinda have the same friendship group it's often that if theres a party she's there. I've been avoiding going out and having a good time because I know she's going to be there but I'm kinda sick of doing this.

 

Theres been a couple of times when we've been at the same party and all I have to do is not look and her and pretend that she doesn't exist and everything's fine. Do you think it's best to avoid any situation where I know I'm going to see her? I want to go out tonight and have a good time but I know she's going to be there.

[LD1990]

You're welcome tgolf96, I'm glad I can help. It sounds like you're taking the right approach here using this as a learning experience.

 

Ideally, you wanna avoid situations where you'll see her. But I'd say go out and have a good time. If you can find parties or places where you can have fun and she's not there, that's great. Otherwise, just go and pay her no mind. There's no reason to base what you do for fun off of an ex. If you end up feeling lousy, then stop going to those parties.

[tgolf96]

I'm still feeling that I cannot remember the time we spent together.

 

Will this go away with time?

Edited April 29, 2016 by tgolf96

[LD1990]

Many people going through a breakup would kill to have that problem. All jokes aside, I don't really see what your worry is here. She's in the past. I highly doubt you've forgotten the entirety of the relationship. As far as the feeling going away, usually it's the opposite. Your ex fades more and more from your memory the further removed you are from that person.

[contel3]

I'm still feeling that I cannot remember the time we spent together.

 

Will this go away with time?

 

This has happened to me to a lesser extent. I didnt forget everything but there were a lot of things I just couldnt recall. It really bothered me at the time.

 

Now I dont really care anymore. I know the memories are still there and they get triggered from time to time. I just dont actively use them.

 

It's probably a coping mechanism. Why recall memories of someone who makes you feel sick and anxious? Try to see it as a blessing. The memories are not gone, they're just supressed for the time being.

 

Don't worry =)

[tgolf96]

Many people going through a breakup would kill to have that problem. All jokes aside, I don't really see what your worry is here. She's in the past. I highly doubt you've forgotten the entirety of the relationship. As far as the feeling going away, usually it's the opposite. Your ex fades more and more from your memory the further removed you are from that person.

 

 

Sorry for the late response, I just have a couple of questions and hope that you could help me?

 

I've been doing a lot better and am finally out of the country and will never have to deal with this part of my life again. I cannot wait to start at my new university in August and have a fresh start to my life. After around a month of being away from the situation i've began to think about thing with a clear mind and am finally feeling myself again. I've stopped cry (haven't cried in over a month!) and I'm beginning to feel positive about what the future is going to hold. I realised the reason that I couldn't picture her in these situations was because she was treating me like a complete stranger and I was starting to consider her as a stranger. I became at ease when I realised this and found it rather pathetic that she was treating me this way. I laughed about it. I still think about her occasionally but the thoughts no longer hurt or consume my mind... they're just sort of present. I suppose the fact that she's the only girl i've ever been with, means that she's the only person I can think about In romantic situations. Therefore, I will think about her until another girl takes her place.

 

I'm 100% not looking for a relationship for a while. However, who knows who i'm going to meet at my next university and I'm curious what I should do when said moment happens. Obviously, this experience has been rather difficult for me and I feel that it has left a mark on who I am for the time being. I don't think I'll be as opening in my next relationship and I'm a little scared to be back where I was before... Do I have to go in with the attitude I did my previous relationship? Without fear? or shall I understand the pain i've been through and hold off opening up to someone before I really feel comfortable? Do I let them know what I've been through in the past? Or do I just hop on the rollercoaster and see what happens?

 

Thanks very much.

 

Hope you're doing well!

[LD1990]

Hey man, glad to hear you're doing better! I really wouldn't think too much about your next relationship, we often worry about things way too much before they happen. Cross that bridge when you come to it. You're 20, you're in college somewhere new, just enjoy yourself. Make friends, meet new girls, have fun, don't overthink things.