pasteurization Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 (edited) Hi Everyone-- About three weeks ago, my long-term girlfriend broke up with me after a period of her becoming distant and unaffectionate. It was rough, and we had a talk in which she told me she wasn't happy, confused, and just needed to get away from dating anyone for a long time. It was kind of vague and I didn't get the sense that I was getting the full story. After a "final" goodbye, I went No Contact with the intention of continuing it indefinitely and getting over her, but I couldn't suppress the intense and obsessive hope that after some time, she'd miss me and contact me again (like all the online 'get your ex back' guides seem to say). After 2 weeks, I was miserable and anxious and my doubts as to what she had told me were causing all kinds of paranoid nightmares, so I lost control and just straight up called her and said I wanted the brutal truth--no matter how hurtful. To her credit, she gave it to me. She said she had never really fallen in love with me, and that she had rekindled her love of her ex (who came right before me and who I knew was constantly trying to pursue her the whole time we were together--they share lots of friends too). She also told me some reasons why she didn't even think we were compatible in the first place. I had asked for it, and was a mess as could be expected, but I've found over the last few days a weird relief. The hope that was making me so miserable and anxious is completely gone now. I also know for a fact that I can never speak to her again, so there's none of that "future plotting" that we all do--- No possibility of being friends in the future. If I'd stayed with straight NC, I'd still be hoping and plotting, but now I'm released. Could this be a better plan for other people as well, to help them get out of the hope trap (assuming your ex will tell you the truth)? I do seem to be better off. I'd love to hear other people's comments on this.... Edited April 21, 2016 by pasteurization
privategal Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I think she shouldve given you all those reasons and a firm final goodbye so you didnt have to track her down and waste those weeks wondering and not healing. Most people break NC for closure and the ex doesnt give it. Kudos for accepting the truth and accepting nc is forever. 3
Itspointless Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Could this be a better plan for other people as well, to help them get out of the hope trap (assuming your ex will tell you the truth)? I do seem to be better off. I'd love to hear other people's comments on this.... After reading posts here for two and a half years I do think that most people do not want the honest truth. They always say they do, but after breaking contact they often complain that they wished they had not and feel worse. For me personally yes, it was the way to go. False hope is much worse than having the chance to say: well f*ck you than I am worth more. This wasn't how it went with me though, as my ex just suppressed her feeling during a rough time. After a few months I realized that I could not put my life on halt. So I told her (still care for her but I am good now). 1
PegNosePete Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Could this be a better plan for other people as well, to help them get out of the hope trap (assuming your ex will tell you the truth)? Well, that is one huge great big assumption you make right at the end there. The fact is, mostly dumpers will not give you the truth (or what most people refer to as "closure"). And the process of asking for it, puts them back into contact, which opens up a whole can of emotions and pain and bad feelings, which puts them back to day 1 NC. So no, in general your plan is not a good one. It worked for you because you got lucky and your ex gave you what you wanted. But normally most people would lose this gamble and be worse off than they started. 1
blue_jay_bird Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 (edited) When my ex felt, he had a ton of "reasons" (I lack motivation, strength, conviction) These reasons do have a truth in them. I was/do struggle with these things. But, I don't think its fair to blame another person for then end of the relationship. You cause these "reasons" honesty. But I call them "their perceived truth," I believe that his concept of me as unworthy, is his truth. One day I hope to find someone that accepts my faults, and sees me as a whole. Even Hitler had his cosine. Meaning regardless of your faults, their is someone that will be blind to them. What I'm trying to say is, I have/had a lot of my identity wrapped up in this seven year relationship. When it was taken away my "perceived truth" became his "perceived truth." I had a hard time believing his "perceived truth" because that would mean I have no worth. That I'm that "weak, unmotivated" girl. I think learning to accept, that people have different perspective is important. That their is a little truth in everything. The truth I would have preferred to hear, wasn't about how, I'm not perfect enough for him. It would have been about how HIS feeling have changed, how he doesn't want to commit. Not, how I'm not meeting his expectations. Does any of this make sense? I just don't think blaming the other person really helps. I remember a lot of bs statements, I'd ask 'Is it cause i'm still in school?" he would say "all the people I know have careers.". This is complete bull**** of a reason. All of these reason are bull****. If someone loves you, these reason won't matter. And this is the one truth I can take beyond no contact. Edited April 21, 2016 by blue_jay_bird 1
Itspointless Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Well, that is one huge great big assumption you make right at the end there. The fact is, mostly dumpers will not give you the truth (or what most people refer to as "closure"). And the process of asking for it, puts them back into contact, which opens up a whole can of emotions and pain and bad feelings, which puts them back to day 1 NC. So no, in general your plan is not a good one. It worked for you because you got lucky and your ex gave you what you wanted. But normally most people would lose this gamble and be worse off than they started. I am not on the same page with you here. I do not think that he was lucky, his ex did not give him what he wanted. It worked for him because of what he did with it. Not everyone is able to do that. The word closure is the wrong word in my experience. Closure does not exist, but sometimes it gives you the right motivation to move forward. That does not say that it also would have worked if he had been another person in the exact same situation (with the same girl). 1
PegNosePete Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 his ex did not give him what he wanted Well OK I stand corrected, she gave him what he needed. Most would not do that. Most would say "hey you know, why do we have to dwell on that, why can't we just be friends? Let's meet for coffee to catch up". Which would have the dumpee chasing breadcrumbs and put them back to square 1. The word closure is the wrong word in my experience. Closure does not exist, but sometimes it gives you the right motivation to move forward. I am with you here. But it is best to find that motivation from your ex's silence rather than playing the "talk to the ex" gamble. The fact is, what they don't say to you, speaks volumes. It says they don't want to reconcile, it says they have moved on, it says you shouldn't hold onto false hope. And that should be all the motivation you need to move forward. 4
Itspointless Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 Well OK I stand corrected, she gave him what he needed. Most would not do that. Most would say "hey you know, why do we have to dwell on that, why can't we just be friends? Let's meet for coffee to catch up". Which would have the dumpee chasing breadcrumbs and put them back to square 1. I am with you here. But it is best to find that motivation from your ex's silence rather than playing the "talk to the ex" gamble. The fact is, what they don't say to you, speaks volumes. It says they don't want to reconcile, it says they have moved on, it says you shouldn't hold onto false hope. And that should be all the motivation you need to move forward. I like this reply, thank you! Yes. it should be. I agree. I guess it all depends in attachment style and secure attachment to be able to react like this. Live and learn 1
d0nnivain Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 NC is not really a one size fits all response to a break up. Some people like you need the brutal truth. And it does help to end all hope . Glad you are on the path to healing. Accepting it's over is the first step. 1
Author pasteurization Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 Thanks everyone for the comments-- very interesting how the viewpoints differ. I found that for me, jumping right into no contact left too many openings for hope. Yes, if I were stronger, just the fact that she wanted to break up would have been enough, but I have an overactive "hope" gene I guess, and I assume a lot if the people in this forum do too. I just found that asking for her to close all the doors, and getting lucky enough for her to do it, has helped in that elusive thing called "closure". The bad side effect is that by hearing her perspective on all my flaws and why she wanted to leave has left my ego pretty beaten up. But I still think that is easier to recover from than more months of pointless hope. I'd rather get beaten unconscious quickly than go through a 12 round slog just to lose in the end anyway.
Satu Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 It worked for you, and that's all that really matters. 4
mightycpa Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I think the reason you needed to hear the "brutal truth" is because you were unwilling to believe the truth without hearing it in its unvarnished form. we had a talk in which she told me she wasn't happy, confused, and just needed to get away from dating anyone for a long time.OK, so everybody understands at some level that this is bull****. You even recognize that it was bull****It was kind of vague and I didn't get the sense that I was getting the full story.BUT, that wasn't enough for you. You had to hear her say WHAT I TOLD YOU IS BULL****.To me, that's incredible! Maybe I'm just a pessimist. To the extent that people deny the obvious, then yes, I think it can help, but having said that, I've known people personally and I've read about people here who honestly believe that their ex's don't really know what they want or will come to their senses any day now. In other words, they refuse to believe. In this way, their powers of denial are even stronger than yours, and they will won't believe the brutal truth until they are ready.
Itspointless Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 In this way, their powers of denial are even stronger than yours Denial, or just plain processes of attachment (perhaps sometimes insecure attachment). The second has to do with other brain processes than rational brain-processes. Yes history commands us to call those processes irrational, except science does tell us something different in the sense of i.e. the rationality of emotions. If we in fact are talking about attachment processes than this behavior is even less irrational than men and women who in the end run from intimacy. Just my two cents in making the point that we are not all the same.
PegNosePete Posted April 22, 2016 Posted April 22, 2016 I found that for me, jumping right into no contact left too many openings for hope. Yes, you were lucky because your ex cut those openings off and dashed your false hope. But if she had instead done what many do, and NOT given you the unvarnished truth... but instead let your false hope continue and grow... played with your feelings like a cat plays with a mouse... then where would you be? You took a gamble. Luckily you won, and the gamble paid off for you, so well done . But for many others, this gamble would end in disaster.
Author pasteurization Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 Hi all-- I am slowly recovering from a particularly bad breakup (about a month or so ago), and have been handling most of the day fairly well, but I'm finding things especially horrible in the morning. Right after I wake up, I get about 10 seconds of normalcy, then it hits me that she's gone, and it destroys the next several hours at least (and sometimes the effects last late into the day). It's not just thinking about her obsessively, but it's also accompanied by a severe anxiety / heart racing. Does anyone else suffer from this same pattern, and if so, have you found anything that alleviates it? It feels like this morning pattern is definitely slowing my recovery. Thanks, P
KatieNguyen91 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 (edited) Deleting this repsond cause i posted to the wrong post Edited April 29, 2016 by KatieNguyen91 Wrong post
LD1990 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Hi all-- I am slowly recovering from a particularly bad breakup (about a month or so ago), and have been handling most of the day fairly well, but I'm finding things especially horrible in the morning. Right after I wake up, I get about 10 seconds of normalcy, then it hits me that she's gone, and it destroys the next several hours at least (and sometimes the effects last late into the day). It's not just thinking about her obsessively, but it's also accompanied by a severe anxiety / heart racing. Does anyone else suffer from this same pattern, and if so, have you found anything that alleviates it? It feels like this morning pattern is definitely slowing my recovery. Thanks, P Just sleep in so much that by the time you wake up you have to rush out of bed anyway. Seriously though, it's not slowing your recovery, it's just that these feelings come and go, and certain times of the day or week can trigger them more than others. I lived with my ex, so no matter what, I'd always see her in the morning and at night. We'd hang out the most on weekends. After my breakup, the hardest times were mornings, nights, and weekends. Those times are often still when sad feelings hit me, but it's much better than it was in the early stages of my breakup. That lousy feeling in the morning is completely normal, and it will get better in time. Just keep riding it out. 1
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