Why am I such a serial cheat - I don't even know who I am, what's wrong with me?

[Noideawhoiam96]

I was with someone for 4 years. Now before you guys presume we broke up because of my cheating.. we didn't. We broke up because he dumped me randomly one day for another girl, I guess this was my karma.

Anyway, I'm finally ready to vent and admit to my mistakes and where better to do it than over the internet? I've not come here to be judged or abused, so please don't comment if you're going to do that.

I got with my ex at around 15 and a half. I'd had no experience with men before this and quite frankly they weren't interested in me. I was a loner at school, the nerdy girl that nobody liked.

When I hit 16 out of nowhere the male attention began hitting me. Of course I still wanted my boyfriend, but whenever another guy would text me or message me I would get a little kick out of it.

 

Nothing happened until I was 17. When I was 17 my ex's best friend started talking to me alot. Somehow, in some way I fell for him. Whilst still with my ex. I didn't want to cheat at the time, I was so against it so instead I ended the relationship with my ex and slept with his best friend. Yes I sound like an awful little slut, but please, don't judge me. In the end I realised I'd made a horrible mistake and I went grovelling to my ex, begging for him to take me back. He agreed and things went on as normal, until I was 18.

 

When I was 18 I met a guy on my college course. We hit it off and I knew I had feelings for him instantly. I couldn't understand myself, I'd promised myself I would never hurt my boyfriend again in the same way, but as the months went on I found myself sleeping with this new guy behind my boyfriends back. He never found out, to this day I can guarantee he has no idea about it. He has no idea I was cheating on him for months.

 

After my fling with this guy my relationship with my ex continued, for a solid year things were fine until of course he ended it a few months ago. I settled down and grew up, I decided I loved my ex and wanted to be with him. This is how karma works, you see? You finally get to where you should've always been and then they leave.

 

I doubt I'll ever hear from my ex again, but I'm here because I'm finally looking for answers about who I am as a person. Why I have been this way in the past.

Always craving attention and affection from men despite having a partner for all those years. Granted he wasn't the best partner, I can't ever say I was fully 'happy' with him. He was very selfish and even abusive sometimes. At the very beginning of our relationship before I began my little 'serial cheating' ways he actually left me for another girl and then came back to me when it didn't work out, this effected me badly as I was only 15/16. I think a part of me through that entire relationship still harboured some resentment towards him for what he did to me.

He was my first love and he ran off for another girl when I was just 16. I stayed because I wanted the security and love he could offer me. I was abused and badly bullied as a child so perhaps this stems from that somehow.

 

All of this has also had me wondering; Did I ever really love him or did I just love the stability he gave me? I just don't know.

 

I'm not a bad person. I'm training to be a nurse and I genuinely care about the people I take care of. I have a severely disabled younger brother who I have cared for my entire life.I have a 4 year old baby sister who I adore, I would walk on hot coals for her. I've suffered from depression and anxiety my entire life. I've really struggled with my own thoughts and mind. When my ex first left me I attempted suicide twice, I thought my life had ended.

I'm not a monster how most cheats are portrayed.

 

Thank you for any posts in advance.

[fitnessfan365]

I can't ever say I was fully 'happy' with him. He was very selfish and even abusive sometimes. At the very beginning of our relationship before I began my little 'serial cheating' ways he actually left me for another girl and then came back to me when it didn't work out, this effected me badly as I was only 15/16.

 

All of this has also had me wondering; Did I ever really love him or did I just love the stability he gave me? I just don't know.

 

He was selfish, abusive, and even left you for another woman at one point. Yet you're curious if you loved the "stability" he gave you? Very interesting definition of the word.