jebrooks1988 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 So I was on a date with a guy who has been pursuing me for months. Luckily this wasn’t our first date. I told him that I had intimacy issues and sometimes I push people away. Throughout the night he when he would get close he would make a joke and ask if that was too intimate. Even when he walked me to my car and kissed me then went in for a hug and said, “oh another intimate moment”. This was way too soon to mention and just the way I mentioned was very tactless. Clearly I put my foot in my mouth. I don’t want him to think that I don’t want him to get close to me because I do. My girlfriend’s said that I reach out and explain this wasn’t directed towards him and how this was years ago but keep it light. What should I do?
GemmaUK Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 He sounds like an ass who likes to pick on insecurities using sarcasm so that he can always say 'it was a joke'. Fix it by never seeing him again. 5
basil67 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 "Intimacy issues" What does that even mean? Perhaps him joking around was because it was hard to understand what you were talking about. 2
Author jebrooks1988 Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 "Intimacy issues" What does that even mean? Perhaps him joking around was because it was hard to understand what you were talking about. When I feel someone getting close I guess I get a little freaked out and do something stupid and screw it up.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 When I feel someone getting close I guess I get a little freaked out and do something stupid and screw it up. You need to explain this to him, in so many words. You don't need to go into detail just yet, but let him know this is a general problem you've faced. You've already opened Pandora's Box, so to speak. It's only fair to clarify what you meant. I am sure he wasn't trying to be malicious but he doesn't know where your boundaries are or what's behind this. Then he can decide if he's comfortable pursuing this too. I have been on the other side of it and it can be very confusing and hurtful when we're pushed away. Why do you have this fear and what have you done to try to resolve it? 1
Toodaloo Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 (edited) He sounds like an ass who likes to pick on insecurities using sarcasm so that he can always say 'it was a joke'. Fix it by never seeing him again. That is EXACTLY what I was thinking. I had a date with a guy and he was a bit funny because I insisted on going dutch. Its not the actual guy handing over the money (that I find very masculine and sexy). Its the whole guy spending loads on my and my not contributing. Don't try to analyse it but it actually causes me major issues. What did he do? He said OK, how about we have a budget at the beginning of the date, you give me the cash for your share, I add mine and I pay at the end with "our" money. Sorted and one very happy Toodles here. This guys could have stepped up or he could ignore it or he could pick option 3 which is the worst of the bunch. Get rid. He is trying to goad you into dropping your knickers and he will make you feel insecure and inferior in the future. This one is not a "nice guy" even if he pretends to be. Edited April 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language~T
Author jebrooks1988 Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 (edited) That is EXACTLY what I was thinking. I had a date with a guy and he was a bit funny because I insisted on going dutch. Its not the actual guy handing over the money (that I find very masculine and sexy). Its the whole guy spending loads on my and my not contributing. Don't try to analyse it but it actually causes me major issues. What did he do? He said OK, how about we have a budget at the beginning of the date, you give me the cash for your share, I add mine and I pay at the end with "our" money. Sorted and one very happy Toodles here. This guys could have stepped up or he could ignore it or he could pick option 3 which is the worst of the bunch. Get rid. He is trying to goad you into dropping your knickers and he will make you feel insecure and inferior in the future. This one is not a "nice guy" even if he pretends to be. I didn't get that vibe from him. Wasn't offended either. To me it sounded like he was trying to feel me out and see what my boundaries are in a joking way. It's hard to relay someone's tone over text lol, but he wasn't saying it in a dry way. I tried to put myself in his shoes and I would pick two options: completely ignore it and back off or make a joke out of it because I felt uncomfortable. Not everyone responds to pretty much told don't get to close the same way. I don't think too many people would step up after being told by the person they like "I have intimacy issues, I like my space" and then hear an example of her intimacy issues. Edited April 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T
LoveRefreshed Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 He sounds like he actually is concerned by your statement and is making a joke to point out that he wants intimacy with you and is now afraid you're going to back out if he does. He's pointing out to you the intimate moments and he probably is trying to gauge your response. This guy doesn't sound like an *******. The ******* move is to withdraw and pullback now that he knows she runs if he were to be more open. 1
Author jebrooks1988 Posted April 21, 2016 Author Posted April 21, 2016 He sounds like he actually is concerned by your statement and is making a joke to point out that he wants intimacy with you and is now afraid you're going to back out if he does. He's pointing out to you the intimate moments and he probably is trying to gauge your response. This guy doesn't sound like an *******. The ******* move is to withdraw and pullback now that he knows she runs if he were to be more open. That's what I was thinking as well. He was testing my boundaries. The thing since he was doing that he clearly was bothered by what I said *smacks forehead*
LoveRefreshed Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 That's what I was thinking as well. He was testing my boundaries. The thing since he was doing that he clearly was bothered by what I said *smacks forehead* I think your best bet would be to straight up address it. Tell him that you want to be intimate with him. Tell him he's special and it was a problem when you were younger, but you've worked on it. If you mean all of this anyway. It should be fine, but he may be a little nervous now so you'll have to reassure him that you're not going to flake if he shows his vulnerable side. So many times, girls say **** that make me wall up and by the time they get around to wanting it all with me, I've shut them out to the point that I really don't give a **** and break up with them. So far, I'm 4 for 5 on doing that in my life and my current relationship is dangerously close to that.
hugsandkisses Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I personally think this guy is funny, and he does like you and him being a funny guy he just did a bit of teasing you and there isn't anything wrong with that I don't think.
smackie9 Posted April 21, 2016 Posted April 21, 2016 I would find it amusing the first time, but not after. He might be trying to make light of it, but it is being insensitive to a serious subject. Time to have a straight talk to him about it, then say "lets move on from it, done talking about it..."
Author jebrooks1988 Posted April 22, 2016 Author Posted April 22, 2016 I would find it amusing the first time, but not after. He might be trying to make light of it, but it is being insensitive to a serious subject. Time to have a straight talk to him about it, then say "lets move on from it, done talking about it..." Thanks smackie. So do you think wait I said bothered him? I don't want to make a big deal out of it if he seems fine with it.
Author jebrooks1988 Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 Background: So I've been seeing this guy for about 2 months (not exclusively). Technically only one month. I wasn't interested in him at all for the first month. He took me out for Valentines Day and did a little more than expected and I was just little overwhelmed so I backed off a lot. Ever since then he's asked to see me every week and even multiple times during the week. To which my girlfriends said he's isn't interested in something casual if he's been trying almost 2 months with little reciprocity (who knows). I posted about this before but I'm not sure how to find my post to just put the link here so I'll just type out the situation here. While hanging out he was asking about my ex and why we broke up and if we had ever lived together. I was a little too honest and said "no I like my space" *smacks forehead*. Then I just kept going when he asked about previous guys I told this guy that I have issues with getting close (people getting too close and I push them away). I guess you can label it intimacy issues? My dumb butt even gave him examples when he asked what do you mean instead of just leaving it alone. I'm not sure if I spooked the poor guy or not. When he got close to me later on he made a joke and ask if that was too intimate for me. Even when he walked me to my car he kissed me then went in for a hug and said, "oh another intimate moment". I'm not sure if he was joking because he was okay with what I said or if he was bothered by it. Just before seeing him and oversharing he had asked to see me Sunday, spend the entire day with him the previous Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then Monday but after his I hadn't heard from him all week. My sister said my oversharing seemed like I was hinting for him to back off (which isn't the case). I do want him to close though I just didn't know when to shut up. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this is where I'm at now I wasn't sure what to do so I finally reached out. I'm a nurse and had crazy hours this past week and wanted to call but I had to shoot him a text. I mentioned an inside joke then mentioned the oversharing moment. Pretty much said to forget what I said because that's not how it is now. He laughed at the joke and commented on it but didn't even acknowledge what I said to clear the air. Not sure why he did that. I'm still confused. I was told that my text wasn't enough clarification but I think it was... So was he bothered by what I said and that's why he made the jokes? Thoughts?
PrettyEmily77 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Have you made firm plans to see each other again?
Author jebrooks1988 Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 Have you made firm plans to see each other again? No. I've been hanging back quite a bit. I sent that text and though he replied and he seemed receptive (it wasn't a short I don't want to be bothered response) to the joke I didn't respond back. Just want to back off right now.
PrettyEmily77 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 (edited) No. I've been hanging back quite a bit. I sent that text and though he replied and he seemed receptive (it wasn't a short I don't want to be bothered response) to the joke I didn't respond back. Just want to back off right now. I'd ask him to confirm if you are still on for Sunday (or whatever plans you guys had made) - it ought to make things clear and will stop you from agonising. If your instincts are right, he might not dare make the next move. Edited April 29, 2016 by PrettyEmily77 1
Author jebrooks1988 Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 I'd ask him to confirm if you are still on for Sunday (or whatever plans you guys had made) - it ought to make things clear and will stop you from agonising. If your instincts are right, he might not dare make the next move. Thanks for the advice!
Versacehottie Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Yeah, I agree with prettyemily. After a comment like yours (and all the effort he has put in without reciprocation a lot of it), you need to take the extra step to reassure him. So your text somewhat cleared the air, now follow it up with ACTION. It was sweet (ish) what you said, ask him to do something very clearly and directly--it would have been best right within the body of that text conversation--because then it directly relates back to your comment about not wanting to get too intimate but then apologizing for it via text AND your are the good guy who broke the barrier and in spite of sometimes feeling like this with others, I want to see and spend time with you. You can still do it now though after the fact. Good luck 2
Author jebrooks1988 Posted April 29, 2016 Author Posted April 29, 2016 Yeah, I agree with prettyemily. After a comment like yours (and all the effort he has put in without reciprocation a lot of it), you need to take the extra step to reassure him. So your text somewhat cleared the air, now follow it up with ACTION. It was sweet (ish) what you said, ask him to do something very clearly and directly--it would have been best right within the body of that text conversation--because then it directly relates back to your comment about not wanting to get too intimate but then apologizing for it via text AND your are the good guy who broke the barrier and in spite of sometimes feeling like this with others, I want to see and spend time with you. You can still do it now though after the fact. Good luck Thanks. Yea you guys are right. I reached out this afternoon because I knew he was starting a new job that he's super excited about so I said good luck. He responded "thank you sweetheart" with a kissing emoji. So I guess that's a slightly decent sign? lol 3
Imajerk17 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 (edited) Background: So I've been seeing this guy for about 2 months (not exclusively). Technically only one month. I wasn't interested in him at all for the first month. He took me out for Valentines Day and did a little more than expected and I was just little overwhelmed so I backed off a lot. Ever since then he's asked to see me every week and even multiple times during the week. To which my girlfriends said he's isn't interested in something casual if he's been trying almost 2 months with little reciprocity (who knows). I posted about this before but I'm not sure how to find my post to just put the link here so I'll just type out the situation here. While hanging out he was asking about my ex and why we broke up and if we had ever lived together. I was a little too honest and said "no I like my space" *smacks forehead*. Then I just kept going when he asked about previous guys I told this guy that I have issues with getting close (people getting too close and I push them away). I guess you can label it intimacy issues? My dumb butt even gave him examples when he asked what do you mean instead of just leaving it alone. I'm not sure if I spooked the poor guy or not. When he got close to me later on he made a joke and ask if that was too intimate for me. Even when he walked me to my car he kissed me then went in for a hug and said, "oh another intimate moment". I'm not sure if he was joking because he was okay with what I said or if he was bothered by it. Just before seeing him and oversharing he had asked to see me Sunday, spend the entire day with him the previous Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then Monday but after his I hadn't heard from him all week. My sister said my oversharing seemed like I was hinting for him to back off (which isn't the case). I do want him to close though I just didn't know when to shut up. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this is where I'm at now I wasn't sure what to do so I finally reached out. I'm a nurse and had crazy hours this past week and wanted to call but I had to shoot him a text. I mentioned an inside joke then mentioned the oversharing moment. Pretty much said to forget what I said because that's not how it is now. He laughed at the joke and commented on it but didn't even acknowledge what I said to clear the air. Not sure why he did that. I'm still confused. I was told that my text wasn't enough clarification but I think it was... So was he bothered by what I said and that's why he made the jokes? Thoughts? Honestly OP you seem way over all the map. You said you weren't into him at all but looking back on your history (click on the poster and check the threads they wrote) you made like 4 threads about him in February alone. My real thoughts reading your threads is that you just need to get a grip. Tough to unwind. Maybe he doesn't take you seriously because you send so many mixed signals. I know I wouldn't *shrug* Edited April 29, 2016 by Imajerk17 4
dannmann1992 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 Honestly OP you seem way over all the map. You said you weren't into him at all but looking back on your history (click on the poster and check the threads they wrote) you made like 4 threads about him in February alone. My real thoughts reading your threads is that you just need to get a grip. Tough to unwind. Maybe he doesn't take you seriously because you send so many mixed signals. I know I wouldn't *shrug* So what? She can post as many things as she wants. I just went and looked and her post seem to coincide with what she's saying. It wasn't all in February by the way. See didn't like him so she just wanted sex. Okay then she liked him but realized she wasn't treating him the right way and now we're here. Mixed signals sure but it was clear she didn't know what she wanted at first. No need to condemn the woman for not knowing. It happens, especially in her other psot she mentioned that initially wasn't ready to date after getting out of LTR. OP if you know like him or any other person for that matter now just act accordingly
Imajerk17 Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 So what? She can post as many things as she wants. I just went and looked and her post seem to coincide with what she's saying. It wasn't all in February by the way. See didn't like him so she just wanted sex. Okay then she liked him but realized she wasn't treating him the right way and now we're here. Mixed signals sure but it was clear she didn't know what she wanted at first. No need to condemn the woman for not knowing. It happens, especially in her other psot she mentioned that initially wasn't ready to date after getting out of LTR. OP if you know like him or any other person for that matter now just act accordingly Your threads actually parallel hers. Eerie! Do the two of you know each other in real life?
preraph Posted April 29, 2016 Posted April 29, 2016 This guy is being a total jerk. And he's just pushing it to see if he's wasting his time and isn't going to ever get laid. I don't see why you'd want to ever see him again.
dannmann1992 Posted April 30, 2016 Posted April 30, 2016 This guy is being a total jerk. And he's just pushing it to see if he's wasting his time and isn't going to ever get laid. I don't see why you'd want to ever see him again. Eh idk OP kind of sounds more like jerk here than him, no offense OP. She completely ignored him after made an effort for valentines day and the poor guy still pursued and she still is/was giving mixed signals.
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